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OP Edit: This is not a thread about what methods are the most effective for treating depression or anxiety. If you lift weights or take medication and it's helped you, tell us how it's helped you. But don't give others any advice aside from seeking a licensed counselor or psychiatrist.
For context about who I am, and why I’m sitting here writing these things, please see my previous blog post.
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You haven’t worked in nearly two years. You’re broke, living on the state, in a vocational rehab program. You’re sick of it. You don’t have two red cents to rub together, and you hate being broke. You come from an upper middle-class family who’s not contributing a dime, so you have to depend on others for literally anything. You’ve been homeless for a few days. Finding a job is roughly impossible – you have a two year gap in your work history, and no education beyond high school, where your grades were thoroughly underwhelming. You’re sick of it. You’re sick of all of it. You feel like a piece of shit for being so dependent on everybody.
But when the time comes to actually search for a job, your effort is lacking. You find little excuses not to apply to various positions. You have to be reminded to call back. You spend maybe an hour or two a day searching and applying, and even then you find yourself frequently distracted by Team Liquid.
The latter sentence sounds like somebody who doesn’t really want to find a job, doesn’t it? One of those folks whom politicians vilify as the “lazy poor,” when they try to cut direct funding to the destitute. But both the latter and the former paragraphs describe the same person. It sounds like a contradiction. It’s not. I know this person, personally. You might know someone like this, too. Maybe they’re employed, in school. They know they need to kick their ass into gear to make decent grades, and they desire the result that this effort would bring them, but they can’t seem to do it. It seems genuinely distressing to them.
There are a number of reasons people have a hard time getting motivated to do stuff. Most of it is nonessential stuff. I’ll take the trash out tomorrow, Idra’s about to take a game off MC. I’ll start exercising next week, I’m tired today. I’ll clean the apartment next weekend, I’m too busy this weekend. Most of it is nowhere near as critical as finding employment to regain one’s own self-respect and avoid homelessness, or studying to keep your grades high enough to keep a scholarship.
I am sure that there are many reasons people have a hard time getting motivated to really do something essential, but the one I’m going to discuss today is fear.
Everyone fears failure, to a degree. But it doesn’t stop them—at least, not from doing these essential things, examples of which I’ve laid out. Their fear of what will happen if they don’t do these things outstrips their fear of failure by far. Extreme fear of failure such as this is a symptom of anxiety, or depression. (I have mentioned previously that I have a hard time separating these.) I believe it to be more a symptom of the former than the latter. For me, anyway, my mind races, and as it races, a million ways I could fuck it up, let myself down, let others down, be subject to ridicule, cause disappointment flash through my mind at roughly one million miles per minute. None of it is particularly coherent. In the end, for me, it takes on a physiological symptom, as these things frequently do – a pit that forms in my solar plexus and extends towards my gut.
I’m an engineer, as I have previously mentioned. I’m not a genius, but I’m not an idiot, either. I enjoy taking on new challenges, in theory. But when these challenges become something I actually need to think about – planning an algorithm carefully, sketching a flowchart with some foresight, developing safety requirements with some breadth of vision – I shy away from the task, and take a brute-force, trial-and-error approach instead. I’m afraid to sit down with a pencil and paper. I’m afraid to engage my brain. I’m afraid I might turn my head on and find out that I’m actually just a fucking idiot, not up to the task. I look at the problem, I identify roughly what it will take to solve it, and as I do, my gut starts to tighten up, to develop that pit. I’ve even got a little pit in my gut as I write this, as I’m afraid that I have no idea where it’s going. (I don’t) and I’ll just wind up trailing off and looking silly. I’m actually a fairly capable writer, (though I’m fully aware this blog isn’t showing it) but I haven’t written a story in years for this same reason.
Putting effort into things is scary. You’re committing yourself to the success of that task. Job hunting is scary, because what if you do get an interview? And if you get an interview, what if you actually get the job? What if your friends and family are overjoyed to hear that you’re finally making it, and you’re beginning to develop some self-esteem for the first time in literally years, and then on your first day you drop a tray of cokes onto the ambassador to Eretria? And then everybody just looks at you and says, “I knew it.” Or worse, you look in the mirror and say that.
I’m lucky. I kind of let myself get shoved through the system – I got good grades in college, and I got an easy job straight out of the door. I have very little thought involved in my job. I’m scared of taking on more responsibility. I’m scared of failure, of being fired. Of letting myself and my girlfriend and my mother down. I am starting to work on topcoder exercises, which are exactly the kind of things I’m horrible at, precisely because they take thought, planning, and thoughtfulness. And I fail sometimes, but nobody cares but me, which is a good start. I’m also going to start my MBA in the fall, and with any luck, my company will pay for it. This latter is a cop out – management is a new kind of challenge for me, sidestepping the one I’m currently afraid of. But it’s a step towards change, and making a change when your situation is comfortable is what somebody like me is most afraid of. The ultimate failure is trying to change your life for the better and failing. That’s the fear that the person I described in the opening paragraphs of this blog truly fears.
Sometimes, people like me luck out. We are able to conquer our fear of failure by succeeding enough times. Sometimes not. I still haven’t figured it out, but I’m trying a few things at a time. Between that and the counseling I receive, I might be able to figure something out. I’ll let you know if I do.
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As always: If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, or like the one I described in the opening paragraphs of this blog, or if you simply find yourself unable to start doing the things that you need to do to create a tolerable life for yourself, I'd like to encourage you again to get help. See a therapist. Get treatment. Nobody will force drugs down your throat and nobody will withhold them from you. Nobody will ask you to cry about your childhood and nobody will stop you from doing so. Because I finally took others' advice and sought out help, I am learning to cope with my issues, and push towards leading a normal, healthy life.
 
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Your last post described me perfectly. This does the same thing. Thanks for these.
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I am glad you sound hopeful. Hope is not the correct word. I am glad you are remaining persistent. That feels better. I do not know what else to say. So hugs for you.
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I don't actually think it's as simple as "get treatment." Its something people like me struggle with through their entire life. Hoping always to make some ground and to hold it.
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I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453
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On March 30 2012 11:40 GoTuNk! wrote:I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453
I've been a heavy weightlifter and athlete my whole life (including squats and deadlifts, as they are important). I've since stopped a couple years ago and my depression/anxiety hasn't changed. I do believe it can help some people, but not everyone :/ If you haven't tried it though, EXERCISE! It won't hurt.
OFF TOPIC EDIT: Another notable symptom of depression/anxiety is the lack of focus. This has gotten to the point where I can hardly even read. Seriously. I've been struggling to learn a second language, regular schooling, music, etc. I haven't been able to do any of this, which doesn't help the whole problem.
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On March 30 2012 11:40 GoTuNk! wrote:I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453
I have 4 percent body fat and I'm ripped to shit. Athletes suffer from chronic depression too man. If there is one thing I don't lack it's confidence and I embrace failure.
Vega you and I are a lot alike after all, but I'm still not fond of your other blog entry. More notably with the style and format which bothered me.
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On March 30 2012 11:40 GoTuNk! wrote:I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453
No it does not.
If someone actually has depression or anxiety they are suffering from a neurological problem that can't be fixed by going to a gym.
Please stop posting false statements and making yourself look like an idiot.
If you actually suffer from depression or anxiety (mostly depression) medication is #1 by far, without a doubt.
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#1 is emotional wellbeing and that can come from a sense of achievement that going to the gym can potentially provide. ESPECIALLY if you are a skinny weedy girlless tool and if you follow the simple program and have support on tlhf
i dont know if medication will help so much if you believe you have underlying issues with your life that need to be resolved before you can ever be happy with yourself
User was warned for this post
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also i am all too familiar with the Fear . its hard to honestly describe and say that we understand it . i think its best described as a fear of the unknown and a fear of effort, change and commitment. its not so noble as "fear of commitment" or whatever single simple thing that most ppl imply. you do use the words i used though, just they are slightly hidden or played down. "Putting effort into things is scary" can be reworded a little less nobly
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Canada1373 Posts
On March 30 2012 17:50 FFGenerations wrote:
#1 is emotional wellbeing and that can come from a sense of achievement that going to the gym can potentially provide. ESPECIALLY if you are a skinny weedy girlless tool and if you follow the simple program and have support on tlhf
i dont know if medication will help so much if you believe you have underlying issues with your life that need to be resolved before you can ever be happy with yourself
Medication never claims to help with life problems. If you have underlying problems you always need to deal with them, but sometimes it's impossible to deal with them until you are in a better mental state, which is where the medication can come in. There is a physical component to depression, and medication can help.
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On March 30 2012 17:18 MaddogStarCraft wrote:No it does not. If someone actually has depression or anxiety they are suffering from a neurological problem that can't be fixed by going to a gym. Please stop posting false statements and making yourself look like an idiot. If you actually suffer from depression or anxiety (mostly depression) medication is #1 by far, without a doubt.
You should take your own advice. Medication is not #1 without a contest or even required for all people with depression or anxiety. There is tons of research about the role of exercise (not necessarily strength training). Every bit of information actually states pretty clearly that Proper Sleep, Eating, and EXERCISE are absolutely fundamental to having proper mental health.
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Canada1373 Posts
On March 30 2012 21:08 Angel_ wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 17:18 MaddogStarCraft wrote:On March 30 2012 11:40 GoTuNk! wrote:I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453 No it does not. If someone actually has depression or anxiety they are suffering from a neurological problem that can't be fixed by going to a gym. Please stop posting false statements and making yourself look like an idiot. If you actually suffer from depression or anxiety (mostly depression) medication is #1 by far, without a doubt. You should take your own advice. Medication is not #1 without a contest or even required for all people with depression or anxiety. There is tons of research about the role of exercise (not necessarily strength training). Every bit of information actually states pretty clearly that Proper Sleep, Eating, and EXERCISE are absolutely fundamental to having proper mental health.
However, it is possible that even with all of those, a person can be depressed. Making these better will not always result in improvement of mental health if there is a serious problem. Hell, if the problem is bad enough it can be nearly impossible to even achieve proper sleep, exercise and eating...
Neither medication nor a proper lifestyle will be a magical cure-all for problems like depression. Either one has a chance at improving things, but sometimes one works better than the other.
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Without replying to everybody individually, I would like to ask that the advice and arguments about said advice which are being tossed around on this thread cease. The only advice that can be given out by anybody without training as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or licensed social worker is to go see one of those people. They will give you more specific help. Unlicensed, unverified psychological advice is more dangerous than it is helpful to people suffering from psychiatric disorders.
To settle all of these arguments quickly and quietly:
Medication helps some people. Other people it does not help. A psychiatrist will help determine this with you.
Having a healthy lifestyle helps some people. Other people it does not help. Both psychiatrists and psychologists are licensed to help make this determination with you.
Again, the arguing stops after this post (Angel's post, actually, as I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt). That is not what this blog is for. If you want to share your experiences and tell us how various things have or have not helped you, you're welcome to. If you feel the need to reply and say "well if you'd just do this you might feel better," don't.
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A couple of replies:
On March 30 2012 11:38 obesechicken13 wrote:
I don't actually think it's as simple as "get treatment." Its something people like me struggle with through their entire life. Hoping always to make some ground and to hold it.
If you've gotten treatment, you know it's anything but simple.
I've struggled with it my entire life, as well, as has my girlfriend. We both have a hard time gaining traction in our respective areas. But you can't start if you don't start.
I hope you are seeking help. If not, I hope you will. Whatever else it is, it's a start.
On March 30 2012 14:24 StarStruck wrote:
Vega you and I are a lot alike after all, but I'm still not fond of your other blog entry. More notably with the style and format which bothered me.
If you have specific criticisms about the style and format, I'd love to hear them. I'm aware my blogging skills are subpar, this being essentially my first blog. (I tried to do a thing about a year ago for about a day, I'm not counting it.)
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On March 30 2012 21:16 Bobbias wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 21:08 Angel_ wrote:On March 30 2012 17:18 MaddogStarCraft wrote:On March 30 2012 11:40 GoTuNk! wrote:I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453 No it does not. If someone actually has depression or anxiety they are suffering from a neurological problem that can't be fixed by going to a gym. Please stop posting false statements and making yourself look like an idiot. If you actually suffer from depression or anxiety (mostly depression) medication is #1 by far, without a doubt. You should take your own advice. Medication is not #1 without a contest or even required for all people with depression or anxiety. There is tons of research about the role of exercise (not necessarily strength training). Every bit of information actually states pretty clearly that Proper Sleep, Eating, and EXERCISE are absolutely fundamental to having proper mental health. However, it is possible that even with all of those, a person can be depressed. Making these better will not always result in improvement of mental health if there is a serious problem. Hell, if the problem is bad enough it can be nearly impossible to even achieve proper sleep, exercise and eating... Neither medication nor a proper lifestyle will be a magical cure-all for problems like depression. Either one has a chance at improving things, but sometimes one works better than the other.
of course. just like both are needed. and other things are needed. and in some people and depending on the circumstances and whats actually wrong some things are needed more than others. and in some cases people just dont get better. and the person actually wanting to get better. and etc etc etc etc etc. too many factors.
my point was this "exercise is useless, you need medication" argument he made is actually just ignorant as all hell. not that exercise will fix everything and you don't need medication. because some people definitely do.
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Edit:
The only advice that can be given out by anybody without training as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or licensed social worker is to go see one of those people.
this isn't true. this thread itself is evidence of that fact.
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On March 30 2012 22:52 Angel_ wrote:
The only advice that can be given out by anybody without training as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or licensed social worker is to go see one of those people.
this isn't true. this thread itself is evidence of that fact.
I'll say it again. Unlicensed psychiatric advice is dangerous, and it stays out of my thread. The message of this blog is "get help." If you want to discuss in PMs specific things such as medication and exercise, or you want to share on this blog how medication or exercise have helped you specifically, feel free. But everything else has generated too much arguing and bad advice (which again, as far as I'm concerned, is any advice). This is the cutoff post.
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On March 30 2012 21:08 Angel_ wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 17:18 MaddogStarCraft wrote:On March 30 2012 11:40 GoTuNk! wrote:I want to say something you most likely haven't heard. Proper strength training (squats and deadlifts) does miracles for self confidence and mental fortitude. Also, following a proper guidelines most people make notable gains in 3-4 months. Check TL thread and read OP :D http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=299453 No it does not. If someone actually has depression or anxiety they are suffering from a neurological problem that can't be fixed by going to a gym. Please stop posting false statements and making yourself look like an idiot. If you actually suffer from depression or anxiety (mostly depression) medication is #1 by far, without a doubt. You should take your own advice. Medication is not #1 without a contest or even required for all people with depression or anxiety. There is tons of research about the role of exercise (not necessarily strength training). Every bit of information actually states pretty clearly that Proper Sleep, Eating, and EXERCISE are absolutely fundamental to having proper mental health.
I said mainly depression.
Clinical depression (suicidal thoughts and or minor self harm) is caused because of the chemical serotonin is being sent back into the same neurotransmitters that it came from and therefore is unable to regulate the persons mood. Medication is needed here.
With anxiety it depends on the severity...
If someone has minor GAD then yes medication isn't necessary but when someone can't leave their house for 6-12 months unless they pop their benzoes then yes medication is #1. We can break down every case although generally with clinical depression and medium to severe anxiety medication comes first.
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On March 30 2012 17:50 FFGenerations wrote:
#1 is emotional wellbeing and that can come from a sense of achievement that going to the gym can potentially provide. ESPECIALLY if you are a skinny weedy girlless tool and if you follow the simple program and have support on tlhf
i dont know if medication will help so much if you believe you have underlying issues with your life that need to be resolved before you can ever be happy with yourself
Please, don't ever reproduce you fucking excuse for a human being.
You undermine everything that humanity has achieved from fire to quantum mechanics.
You are so unbelievably detrimental to the human species, refer back to sentence one... DON'T EVER REPRODUCE.
I am fucking ashamed to sit here and have to admit that you and I share DNA. You fucking imbecile, go read a book you stupid fucker.
User was banned for this post.
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On March 30 2012 22:46 Vega62a wrote:Without replying to everybody individually, I would like to ask that the advice and arguments about said advice which are being tossed around on this thread cease. The only advice that can be given out by anybody without training as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or licensed social worker is to go see one of those people. They will give you more specific help. Unlicensed, unverified psychological advice is more dangerous than it is helpful to people suffering from psychiatric disorders. To settle all of these arguments quickly and quietly: Medication helps some people. Other people it does not help. A psychiatrist will help determine this with you. Having a healthy lifestyle helps some people. Other people it does not help. Both psychiatrists and psychologists are licensed to help make this determination with you. Again, the arguing stops after this post (Angel's post, actually, as I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt). That is not what this blog is for. If you want to share your experiences and tell us how various things have or have not helped you, you're welcome to. If you feel the need to reply and say "well if you'd just do this you might feel better," don't. --- A couple of replies: Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 11:38 obesechicken13 wrote:
I don't actually think it's as simple as "get treatment." Its something people like me struggle with through their entire life. Hoping always to make some ground and to hold it. If you've gotten treatment, you know it's anything but simple. I've struggled with it my entire life, as well, as has my girlfriend. We both have a hard time gaining traction in our respective areas. But you can't start if you don't start. I hope you are seeking help. If not, I hope you will. Whatever else it is, it's a start.
It is a start, but I haven't really heard of anyone who's beaten procrastination. I know noone who doesn't procrastinate at all. I
don't think therapy helps but I could be wrong.
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On March 30 2012 23:45 MaddogStarCraft wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 17:50 FFGenerations wrote:
#1 is emotional wellbeing and that can come from a sense of achievement that going to the gym can potentially provide. ESPECIALLY if you are a skinny weedy girlless tool and if you follow the simple program and have support on tlhf
i dont know if medication will help so much if you believe you have underlying issues with your life that need to be resolved before you can ever be happy with yourself Please, don't ever reproduce you fucking excuse for a human being. You undermine everything that humanity has achieved from fire to quantum mechanics. You are so unbelievably detrimental to the human species, refer back to sentence one... DON'T EVER REPRODUCE. I am fucking ashamed to sit here and have to admit that you and I share DNA. You fucking imbecile, go read a book you stupid fucker.
sorry what? if you are a skinny weedy girl-less tool, then potentially going to the gym can provide a sense of achievement and emotional wellbeing? a lot of books will actually suggest this
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The arguing's gotten out of hand and the offending parties have been banned. To those of you who have stories to share, by all means, please share them.
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On March 31 2012 02:03 obesechicken13 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 22:46 Vega62a wrote:Without replying to everybody individually, I would like to ask that the advice and arguments about said advice which are being tossed around on this thread cease. The only advice that can be given out by anybody without training as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or licensed social worker is to go see one of those people. They will give you more specific help. Unlicensed, unverified psychological advice is more dangerous than it is helpful to people suffering from psychiatric disorders. To settle all of these arguments quickly and quietly: Medication helps some people. Other people it does not help. A psychiatrist will help determine this with you. Having a healthy lifestyle helps some people. Other people it does not help. Both psychiatrists and psychologists are licensed to help make this determination with you. Again, the arguing stops after this post (Angel's post, actually, as I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt). That is not what this blog is for. If you want to share your experiences and tell us how various things have or have not helped you, you're welcome to. If you feel the need to reply and say "well if you'd just do this you might feel better," don't. --- A couple of replies: On March 30 2012 11:38 obesechicken13 wrote:
I don't actually think it's as simple as "get treatment." Its something people like me struggle with through their entire life. Hoping always to make some ground and to hold it. If you've gotten treatment, you know it's anything but simple. I've struggled with it my entire life, as well, as has my girlfriend. We both have a hard time gaining traction in our respective areas. But you can't start if you don't start. I hope you are seeking help. If not, I hope you will. Whatever else it is, it's a start. It is a start, but I haven't really heard of anyone who's beaten procrastination. I know noone who doesn't procrastinate at all. I don't think therapy helps but I could be wrong.
We're not talking about simple procrastination. Please reread more closely - if you're still not 100% on what we're talking about I'll be glad to elaborate in a PM.
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I'll reread. Concerning therapy. How much does it generally cost?
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On April 02 2012 08:45 obesechicken13 wrote:
I'll reread. Concerning therapy. How much does it generally cost?
it depends on your insurance and the therapist's communication with your insurance on how much therapy you really "need".
I know my co-pay up until a month ago was 100 bucks. and i went every week.
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On April 02 2012 08:45 obesechicken13 wrote:
I'll reread. Concerning therapy. How much does it generally cost?
My copay is $25. Depends entirely on your insurer, but never pay out of pocket.
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I suffer from a lot of the same problems described in this thread. Been dealing with anxiety and depression for years. I am at the point where I can live a very basic normal life, but there seems to be this fear stopping me from really achieving anything. Before I read this I was actually tempted to make my own blog post on how it affects me and SC2. I am a talented player (Copper to High master/GM on EU since beta with only about 1k 1v1's played), but I still feel this fear stopping from practicing as much as I could be. I barely play about 5 hours a week, yet I have enough spare time to be playing 5 hours a day.
Doesn't just affect me in SC2 though, affects my business, my desire to make music, personal relationships. It smothers everything. Thinking of going back to the Doctors soon to see if there is a next step (Had a few weeks of counselling about 3 years ago). Wonder what he will recommend this time.
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Reread. It took my a while since I trailed off to youtube every few minutes.
For me, anyway, my mind races, and as it races, a million ways I could fuck it up, let myself down, let others down, be subject to ridicule, cause disappointment flash through my mind at roughly one million miles per minute. None of it is particularly coherent.
This doesn't happen to me. I know the feeling. It's the feeling I get when I try to think of infinity or some recursive algorithm that draws out something like a mendelbrot series in my head. I'm lying in bed probably drugged with something and I can't shut my brain down. It's a scary feeling.
But it's not a feeling I get from work. I don't have the same degree of anxiety you do but I do seem to have difficulty doing the things I need to do or that I should be doing. I haven't applied to coop jobs and will likely work at my old workplace from last summer this summer and keep applying for a yearlong one over the summer.
I have had a month to post on the discussion board for my course but haven't started and it's due Friday.
This sucks.
I try to deal with it and to try to limit my ability to procrastinate by removing the possibility of distraction or using larger fears like looking a fool in front of others to motivate myself.
What else can I do? I'd have to check if my parent's insurance covered me. But I don't want to.
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I have similar problems and I've been trying to solve them on my own since I was a young teenageer. Now 22 in a month I still struggle with procastrination and the general feeling of worthlessness emerging fron the inability to just do the fuking dishes and take out the damn trash. Perhaps my situation is milder than yours, as I have quite the repertoire of coping mechanisms. A most important one is the recent realisation that I probably have ADD. I am biologically predisposed to get a headache from repetition and procastrinate mundane or daunting tasks.
The upside is my realisation that I thrive on what I call "newness". As long as a situation is new, I can focus like no other time. I try to consciously make the inverse decision than I normally would. I need a degree of chaos and uncertainty to feed my brain and stay mellow during retarded things like doing the damn dishes.
I used to struggle a lot against the mountain of my underachievements, thinking "If I'm so smart, why don't I X already?" or "I think I can do this, but I haven't done it, so I probably can't."
But then I re-realised, as I've done since I first thought about myself from an outside perspective: "Holy shit, I can't control anything. Everything I do is a consequence of my circumstances and the chemical balance of my brain. I can only gain insight into what I am, but never change it. I can only optimise my condition and chemical balance indirectly, through introspection." What this means is: as long as I'm self-aware that I feel like crap, and as long as I allow myself to accept the entirety of crapness, sorrow, hatred, and keep them in my mind, I can self-correct. If I'm carrying a burden of supressed emotion for the purpose to stay productive, the cloud will just grow bigger and engulf everything. This goes on until I cannot perform at all, and then I start doubting myself.
But it's really because I have more important things to deal with. Things involving my very self -- not only the things I do. I believe the "chaos part" is relevant because of I don't attempt to go auto-pilot, and I'm put in a situation where I actually need to use the entirety of my brain, the black cloud resides. I guess there's simply no room for sorrow in an exciting place.
Being raised and self-identified a male, I also reached another shocking conclusion: I have trained myself never to cry. I have learned that crying is bad and that males don't do it. Sure I thought.
What a horrible sentiment. Perhaps useful 10000 years ago battling against nazis and dinosaurs. I need to cry. I need my full brain active to do my work, which relies on creativity and ingenuity, not brute force. I should not supress any feelings. If I'm angry I should punch a fucking hole in the wall. If I'm in despair I should curl up in a ball and shiver. If I'm sad I should just cry some fucking tears. I should most definitely /not/ try and write another line of code, check my email, write a song or look for an employer.
You need to be there. Inside the hurt. Inside the anger, the fear, the sorrow. Go in the and figure out what it is. Then go in there again, and again, every single time you recognise there's something there.
People always give advise like "see a therapist" and "it gets better". I don't like that advise. If I tell someone how I feel, I want them to tell me how they feel. I want them to put my problem in their world, and see if the recognize anything. So I'm not going to tell you that. I'm going to tell you that it probably hurts a hell lot more than you think and the damage is irreversible. But most importantly: Never forget to cry.
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Routine. It's what you need to keep your mind and body in check.
I had a good family/home to live in up until I was 20. Mum always cooked, washed, took care of me all the time. I went to school, high school and got into university. Got decent grades in school but I always underachieved, never put in any real effort into anything.
After my parents split up (lived with dad for a bit), I vowed to myself that I would change. Never to be dependent on anyone for anything, I didn't want to depend on someone to do my washing, cooking, and more importantly, money. In order to do this, I saved up 3 months worth of pay as a computer repairer ($3000 AUD) and I moved out of home, rented a unit, bought furniture, whitegoods n necessities. Started to learn to cook, use a washing machine, clean my place and cherished money. No longer would I recklessly spend my pay on drugs and partying every weekend.
I work Monday to Friday 9am-6pm. Saturday 9am-2pm, whilst trying to complete my last 2 years of my accounting degree, my grades actually went up after I moved out of home, from barely passes to credit average. Trust me, living out of home, working full time and studying is not the easiest thing in the world. However, I was more focused in classes and did my homework on time and more thorough. Through my valiant efforts, my graduation ceremony will be on the 17th this month (yay!).
However, now that I've completed my accounting degree, I should really look for a proper job instead of simply fixing computers for a living. I need a career. My job currently pays me $40,000 per year, which is actually very comfortable for my expenses, I'm just too content with what I have but my friends are getting paid more than me, I used to be the one shouting them drinks, PC Bang n food back in highschool/1st year uni. An accounting job should net me $50,000 starting salary with ability to increase as I move up the rank, but it's near impossible for a computer repairer to increase their salary.
PS: Make your mamma proud. Just think of her eyes if she sees you like this.
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On April 05 2012 10:28 Zariel wrote:
Routine. It's what you need to keep your mind and body in check.
I had a good family/home to live in up until I was 20. Mum always cooked, washed, took care of me all the time. I went to school, high school and got into university. Got decent grades in school but I always underachieved, never put in any real effort into anything.
After my parents split up (lived with dad for a bit), I vowed to myself that I would change. Never to be dependent on anyone for anything, I didn't want to depend on someone to do my washing, cooking, and more importantly, money. In order to do this, I saved up 3 months worth of pay as a computer repairer ($3000 AUD) and I moved out of home, rented a unit, bought furniture, whitegoods n necessities. Started to learn to cook, use a washing machine, clean my place and cherished money. No longer would I recklessly spend my pay on drugs and partying every weekend.
I work Monday to Friday 9am-6pm. Saturday 9am-2pm, whilst trying to complete my last 2 years of my accounting degree, my grades actually went up after I moved out of home, from barely passes to credit average. Trust me, living out of home, working full time and studying is not the easiest thing in the world. However, I was more focused in classes and did my homework on time and more thorough. Through my valiant efforts, my graduation ceremony will be on the 17th this month (yay!).
However, now that I've completed my accounting degree, I should really look for a proper job instead of simply fixing computers for a living. I need a career. My job currently pays me $40,000 per year, which is actually very comfortable for my expenses, I'm just too content with what I have but my friends are getting paid more than me, I used to be the one shouting them drinks, PC Bang n food back in highschool/1st year uni. An accounting job should net me $50,000 starting salary with ability to increase as I move up the rank, but it's near impossible for a computer repairer to increase their salary.
PS: Make your mamma proud. Just think of her eyes if she sees you like this.
Don't mean to be rude, but I don't think you understood this thread.
This post feels like the equivalent of me walking up to someone with broken legs and explaining to them how I can walk.
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On April 05 2012 14:27 Westy wrote:Show nested quote +On April 05 2012 10:28 Zariel wrote:
Routine. It's what you need to keep your mind and body in check.
I had a good family/home to live in up until I was 20. Mum always cooked, washed, took care of me all the time. I went to school, high school and got into university. Got decent grades in school but I always underachieved, never put in any real effort into anything.
After my parents split up (lived with dad for a bit), I vowed to myself that I would change. Never to be dependent on anyone for anything, I didn't want to depend on someone to do my washing, cooking, and more importantly, money. In order to do this, I saved up 3 months worth of pay as a computer repairer ($3000 AUD) and I moved out of home, rented a unit, bought furniture, whitegoods n necessities. Started to learn to cook, use a washing machine, clean my place and cherished money. No longer would I recklessly spend my pay on drugs and partying every weekend.
I work Monday to Friday 9am-6pm. Saturday 9am-2pm, whilst trying to complete my last 2 years of my accounting degree, my grades actually went up after I moved out of home, from barely passes to credit average. Trust me, living out of home, working full time and studying is not the easiest thing in the world. However, I was more focused in classes and did my homework on time and more thorough. Through my valiant efforts, my graduation ceremony will be on the 17th this month (yay!).
However, now that I've completed my accounting degree, I should really look for a proper job instead of simply fixing computers for a living. I need a career. My job currently pays me $40,000 per year, which is actually very comfortable for my expenses, I'm just too content with what I have but my friends are getting paid more than me, I used to be the one shouting them drinks, PC Bang n food back in highschool/1st year uni. An accounting job should net me $50,000 starting salary with ability to increase as I move up the rank, but it's near impossible for a computer repairer to increase their salary.
PS: Make your mamma proud. Just think of her eyes if she sees you like this. Don't mean to be rude, but I don't think you understood this thread. This post feels like the equivalent of me walking up to someone with broken legs and explaining to them how I can walk.
his post reminds me of when my friend asked me "have you tried just being happy?"
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I kinda don't want this thread to die since there's still more I can learn.
On April 06 2012 20:35 B.I.G. wrote:Show nested quote +On April 05 2012 14:27 Westy wrote:On April 05 2012 10:28 Zariel wrote:
Routine. It's what you need to keep your mind and body in check.
I had a good family/home to live in up until I was 20. Mum always cooked, washed, took care of me all the time. I went to school, high school and got into university. Got decent grades in school but I always underachieved, never put in any real effort into anything.
After my parents split up (lived with dad for a bit), I vowed to myself that I would change. Never to be dependent on anyone for anything, I didn't want to depend on someone to do my washing, cooking, and more importantly, money. In order to do this, I saved up 3 months worth of pay as a computer repairer ($3000 AUD) and I moved out of home, rented a unit, bought furniture, whitegoods n necessities. Started to learn to cook, use a washing machine, clean my place and cherished money. No longer would I recklessly spend my pay on drugs and partying every weekend.
I work Monday to Friday 9am-6pm. Saturday 9am-2pm, whilst trying to complete my last 2 years of my accounting degree, my grades actually went up after I moved out of home, from barely passes to credit average. Trust me, living out of home, working full time and studying is not the easiest thing in the world. However, I was more focused in classes and did my homework on time and more thorough. Through my valiant efforts, my graduation ceremony will be on the 17th this month (yay!).
However, now that I've completed my accounting degree, I should really look for a proper job instead of simply fixing computers for a living. I need a career. My job currently pays me $40,000 per year, which is actually very comfortable for my expenses, I'm just too content with what I have but my friends are getting paid more than me, I used to be the one shouting them drinks, PC Bang n food back in highschool/1st year uni. An accounting job should net me $50,000 starting salary with ability to increase as I move up the rank, but it's near impossible for a computer repairer to increase their salary.
PS: Make your mamma proud. Just think of her eyes if she sees you like this. Don't mean to be rude, but I don't think you understood this thread. This post feels like the equivalent of me walking up to someone with broken legs and explaining to them how I can walk. his post reminds me of when my friend asked me "have you tried just being happy?"
It's more about how he experienced a lifechanging event. Of course not all of us can find that sudden inspiration.
I was also a bit confused by the post that guy above made about not being afraid to cry. I understood the part about chemical imbalances but what good does allowing oneself to cry do?
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EPT
