EPTI have stayed friends with guys I've been in a relationship with previously. I don't think it's that hard unless they cheated on you or some stupid shit (or if you are a naturally very jealous person and can't stand to see them get with someone else).
A while back I wrote about a relationship I had that was obviously pretty toxic (Clicky here.). It started out as a friendship and was for quite a while before we developed more of an attraction for each other. Initially I would say the friendship was the best I've ever had. It just sort of clicked.
Then all that shit went down. For the past almost year we managed to keep something labeled friends. It was sex-free (T_T) but I think the emotional attachment and interdependency of a relationship stayed. We still talked to each other about everything, every day, all the time.
He decided to start dating someone, which is fine from my perspective. I'm not a jealous person at all. I like her and think they would be a good couple... except I don't think he's ready to go straight to another relationship considering his longggg history of ones that end like ours did. But w/e, his life.
After this he just stops talking to me pretty much at all. The past two months we've probably spoken less than 20 minutes total. We had a convo this morning in which I asked: Are you happy with how things are between us? I feel like we're no longer friends, just acquaintances.
He agrees to start talking to me more (like 2-3 times a week, not necessarily like before) so we can keep up a friendship. He says to me he's sorry that a relationship didn't work out but he believes he can be a really good friend to me.
That got me thinking and questioning if it's even possible for him to be a friend to me, let alone a good friend. Our relationship and friendship was such a tangled mess that I don't think anything escaped.
At this point I find I don't trust him to tell me the truth. Our relationship was filled with times he said "I love you" and then turned around and told me he didn't want me to be part of his life at all. (bi-polar much?) Even the last time he was here, he said I love you... and then tells me that was the conversation when he decided he just wanted to be friends. He'll say he's not interested and then decide he is. That he just wants to be friends and then he reallyyyyy wants to fuck and be more than that. Basically things were full of so many contradictions of words and actions that I don't believe anything he tells me anymore-- about his relationship with me, and with other people.
I also don't trust him to not hurt me. He said and did many hurtful things over the past 2 years. I think it was more than just normal human error, and more a lack of good judgment, and a carelessness about how his actions affect people around him. When he first met him he was a very empathetic person. Over the summer he was away at Microsoft he seemed to have somehow lost all of that, and it stayed gone. He doesn't consider other people's feelings; I notice when he gets mad about something his roommate did, or someone at work, or another friend, there is often a logical explanation for what happened, but he is so focused on his own anger or whatever that he never considers their side.
I don't trust him to care about me in any capacity. Part of the reason the relationship failed was that he never had any desire to put in effort. When anything went wrong, he just decided the relationship was not a good idea and not to talk to me for a few weeks. When problems come up in my personal life, he's only there if it's convenient for him. It's not like this is all the time or anything (about every month or two I have a bad day... pretty normal). In fact, I expect that I will be the one who needs to initiate all conversations with him from now on. If I don't, he probably won't try to talk to me.
I think taking a relationship dynamic out can change things between two people and how they interact. I am just having a difficult time believing it could change so drastically how someone behaves. My own emotions are so negative--hurt, and a ton of anger. Clearly trying to tell me something there...
Why am I still even talking to him?
We were so close that I feel lonely without that companionship of someone who you talk to about your day every day. Someone you share all the things that make you laugh, or whatever you're thinking about.
I think part of me is hanging around because I hope to find the friendship we originally had that was so different and good... and now so far departed from the present that it would be impossible to have again.
I have a deep belief that people deserve to be forgiven and extended another chance, no matter how many times they mess up. I am starting to realize that I unconsciously gave myself the responsibility of extending all those chances. It's more about having another chance in the broader scheme of things, because sometimes stuff just won't work out.
We have been so close for so long, that I hate to just stop now. I am very stubborn, and will keep walking into a brick wall if I am bound and determined to get to the other side. I feel like it would be giving up and taking an easy way out to not try to fix things. It frustrates me that I have no control over the outcome of it-- because he has to work as hard as me to fix it, and even then, it might not be fixed in a life time of work.
I don't form close relationships of any kind easily. There is no one close to me in life with any kind of permanence-- not family, not friends, not lovers. It's hard for me to open up and be close enough with someone to be myself. It's really easy for me to honest with people about what's going on with me (like this blog I guess?), but I treat it more analytically, and that keeps out emotional involvement on my part.
For the TL;DR: The question was whether or not I could be friends with my sort-of ex.
What it comes down to though is that I don't trust him, I am afraid he will keep hurting me, and I don't really believe he cares about me enough to make an effort. Looking at that it's clear there's no foundation for a good friendship right now. I know I should just say-- look we can't actually make this work, gl, peace. I am really afraid of the loss. It's like cutting off your arm or something. It's not just injured, or not working very well anymore, or just hanging around as a peripheral decoration, it's just gone. That's really scary to me.
I am not desperately lonely. I am around people most of the day and very casual friends. I am practically married to my work at this point (I spend 12-14 hours a day in the studio painting and drawing). I really want companionship though. :/ I'm afraid to get rid of what's left of that.
I guess since I know what to do already, I mostly just want encouragement.
Slightly related: I saw the cutest lesbian(or bi maybe) couple outside the art studio the other day. It made me want to find a gf. I am bi, but every girl I have ever been interested in was not or deeply closeted because of it was the midwest or south.
/friendzoned Maybe I should get involved in the LGBT community here, but I am not particularly interested in all the activism around it. Here's a puppy.
![[image loading]](http://www.petwave.com/~/media/Images/Center/Breed/Dogs/Working%20Group/Great%20Pyrenees/Great%20Pyrenees%20puppy.ashx)
