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Hi everyone!
I wrote this essay for a college, and though I've already submitted it, I kinda want to share it and just get thoughts on it. I am perfectly aware it's not perfect, but I think it conveys the message.
Thanks!!
It is no secret to anyone that has any sort of exposure to high school recently that high school is not a kind place to be. However, anyone can get through it, especially if they take advice from someone who has finished high school. If I were to choose some advice to give to someone just starting high school, my advice to them would be to not take everything personally.
High school is an incredibly emotionally taxing place for youth, especially if they are not the social butterflies of their generation. High school is full of backstabbing friends, ignorant enemies, and dramatic situations. School is a rarely a safe place for anyone, especially if they have any sort of trait, or even a perk, that someone could exploit for personal entertainment.
Many people also tell you that life isn’t fair, and it’s completely correct. However, many of a high school students peers feel the need to drive in that fact. They will find cause to torment you, and just shrug it off because they can use the excuse that life isn’t fair. At that point, it will be up to the new student to realize that in the end, those people that set out to torment you don’t matter, and that by not returning the favor, one is better than those who set out to torment others.
Charles R. Swindoll once said, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it, and so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.” If one was to take this quote to heart, and live to it, then you won’t have any problems getting past what a lot of other didn’t have the heart to do.
This is not to say that high school is all bad. There are many good aspects. One might meet people who they will know for the rest of their lives, or one might meet people that have an influence on how one lives their life. High school will also test a person every day to see if that person lives out to be who they want to be.
My advice to a student just entering high school is to just not take everything as a personal insult. High school is a constant test and challenge, and one will not survive in it by constantly feeling insulted. High school, whether it was negative or positive, will always be an important aspect of one’s life. Live and learn, make the best of it, and leave the rest behind.
 
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Your introduction is to short you don't have a thesis statement, all you said was "My advice to them would be to not take everything personally." You should elaborate on that more so the readers have some sort of idea what that means. You dont talk about the difficulties of high school either you just say that it is not kind, give us an example. You can't assume everyone knows what your thinking, you have to think that if nobody who ever went to high school wanted to know what it was like and they read your paper for some sort of idea.
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Hmm, I'm a little conflicted. On the one hand, I think it's a really important and insightful message to the student just entering high school, because the pressures are definitly there for some people. However, it's a little overdramatic at times. There are plenty of people for whom high school goes by just fine, even if they're not the "social butterfly" type; not all friends are backstabbers, etc.
Reading the essay makes me curious because it doesn't talk much about you personally, do you feel like you yourself were tormented because of a trait or perk, or get betrayed by friends? I myself spent about 2 years under the thumb of this one kid, but we actually became really good friends afterwards.
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What the hell kind of prompt did your school give you??? Or was it open ended?
You should have put some personal thought into the essay. It would have given it some life.
Also, your writing just seems very plain. It feels like you did this really quick and just hit submit.
Just a quick tip: avoid using the same word or phrase over, especially in the same paragraph or sentence.
In the opening graph, you've got advice three times. Towards the end, you use 'one might meet people'. Generally, repetitive stuff like that is bad.
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holy shit, I don't wanna freak you out man but this is pretty bad lol did you have anyone proofread this for you? like hawk said, the spamming of the "one's self" shit is reeeeally bad. if you aren't allowed to use personal pronouns, then the only thing left to do is use "one" as a reference point, but really that's a shitty option and you should avoid it if at all possible. you should always be able to craft a more coherent sentence in place of using the "one might xyz" crap, it's really tacky and hollow imo
you've already submitted it though so i'm not going to go into any more detail, if you are going to submit another essay to another college I would strongly recommend starting over and getting some serious writing help from your english teacher.
edit: ugh you said "sort of", that is such a common vocal phrase that is SO avoidable in writing
avoid contractions
lazy words like "some" are bad. holy shit you said "a lot"........................wow
you lost connection between "some people tell you life isn't fair" and "it's correct". proper pronoun would be "they are".
another incorrect pronoun "if one was to take this quote to heart", "then you"
gawd man, it's just so boring, sounds like you got picked on in high school, everyone did. try not to focus on HS social bullshit and focus on either trials that you overcame or pragmatic applications of what you learned or something. get an adult to proofread this next time, this is just terrible.
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Hong Kong9158 Posts
On February 09 2012 00:27 Polemos wrote:
I am perfectly aware it's not perfect, but I think it conveys the message.
Here's the thing: a college essay absolutely has to be perfect. Merely 'conveying the message' isn't good enough. You are given a limited space in your application to express yourself and demonstrate that you are more than just a set of grades.
That being said, your essay is generic and underdeveloped. If this is your general college essay, work on developing a more persuasive narrative in a more developed format.
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United States996 Posts
were you given some kind of prompt or were you able to write about anything at all and chose this? the plethora of grammatical errors aside, this was still a pretty brutal read. you dont want to spend the short amount of space whining about how high school wasnt perfect. whats worse is that even if you are hellbent on doing that, it reads so impersonally. maybe including some experience from your highschool that transformed your views or helped you grow emotionally into the stance that your quote agrees with.
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What class is this for?
It is no secret to anyone that has any sort of exposure to high school recently that high school is not a kind place to be. However, anyone can get through it, especially if they take advice from someone who has finished high school. If I were to choose some advice to give to someone just starting high school, my advice to them would be to not take everything personally.
High school is an incredibly emotionally taxing place for youth, especially if they are not the social butterflies of their generation. High school is full of backstabbing friends, ignorant enemies, and dramatic situations. School is a rarely a safe place for anyone, especially if they have any sort of trait, or even a perk, that someone could exploit for personal entertainment.
Many people also tell you that life isn’t fair, and it’s completely correct. However, many of a high school students peers feel the need to drive in that fact. They will find cause to torment you, and just shrug it off because they can use the excuse that life isn’t fair. At that point, it will be up to the new student to realize that in the end, those people that set out to torment you don’t matter, and that by not returning the favor, one is better than those who set out to torment others.
Charles R. Swindoll once said, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it, and so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.” If one was to take this quote to heart, and live to it, then you won’t have any problems getting past what a lot of other didn’t have the heart to do.
This is not to say that high school is all bad. There are many good aspects. One might meet people who they will know for the rest of their lives, or one might meet people that have an influence on how one lives their life. High school will also test a person every day to see if that person lives out to be who they want to be.
My advice to a student just entering high school is to just not take everything as a personal insult. High school is a constant test and challenge, and one will not survive in it by constantly feeling insulted. High school, whether it was negative or positive, will always be an important aspect of one’s life. Live and learn, make the best of it, and leave the rest behind.
I've rewritten your essay. It's not the best, but I think it drives your message more clearly, less anecdotal or specific and a lot more clear.
The education system is not perfect. Its inadequacies in terms of outdated material, arguably qualified teachers and the persistence of social clashing make high-school perhaps one of the hardest years for adolescents and growing young adults. To say high-school is an incredibly taxing place for youth would be an understatement, however as time the years pass and things get rough, consider the idea that someone just like you and I, has done and been through it as well. This essay aims to help you get back on the road to succession and advise on how to steer clear of social traps while also maintaining the good grades everyone knows you can achieve.
For starters, you have to break any and all absolute. Life isn't fair and so will the characters in your high-school act. If you are beyond the ordinary or a bit shy, they will take advantage of that for their own self-interest, to boost their own social need to be accepted. It's ok, life goes on and just remember that in the end, you will be the better person overall career-wise and socially. Don't let high-school dictate who you are, but rather show you who not to become.
Then again, high-school does have its ups as well. You could meet people who will be a part of your life forever. We're not necessarily talking romantically, but the people who treat you well are the people you want to stick with and that you can rely on during any hardships. The influence they have on you could be beneficial, motivating even. High school will also test a person every day to see if that person lives out to be who they want to be.
My advice to a student just entering high school is to just not take everything as a personal insult. High school is a constant test and challenge, and one will not survive in it by constantly feeling insulted. High school, whether it was negative or positive, will always be an important aspect of one’s life. Live and learn, make the best of it, and leave the rest behind. Charles R. Swindoll once said, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it, and so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.” If one was to take this quote to heart, and live to it, then you won’t have any problems getting past what a lot of other didn’t have the heart to do.
You should go from general to specifics and save the quotes for conclusions in my opinion. I'm no whiz at essays, but these are general guidelines I follow. It also helps if you used a more objective approach and if the essay aims to give advice to someone, make sure its personalized as if you're speaking towards them, but formally.
A whole lot of talking out my ass, but there ya go.
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United States22154 Posts
1.) Never ask for for feedback after having submitted something, at that point its too late and will only make you feel worse, ask before so you actually fix mistakes.
2.) There are a bunch of grammatical errors, you should always proofread
3.) Was there a prompt? If so, what was it?
4.) Remember, colleges don't care about what you write, only that you demonstrate your proficiency at writing, thus just "conveying the point" isn't enough, you need to demonstrate you can write well.
I'd give more corrections, but its already submitted, next time get it reviewed before submitting.
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Canada13389 Posts
Ok so adding to what others have said I have two questions:
1) This is an essay? seems like a short reflection to me which you were told was an "essay"
2) Is the formatting poor because of you posting it to tl or is it normally that poor?
3) (yeah i decided to make 3 im too lazy to edit the above part of post) Is this supposed to be a reflection because I don't see you using any external sources and if you did you didn't cite them in text which is considered plagiarism
-- Im a grad student so maybe im being too harsh -_-
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On February 09 2012 02:58 GMarshal wrote:
4.) Remember, colleges don't care about what you write, only that you demonstrate your proficiency at writing, thus just "conveying the point" isn't enough, you need to demonstrate you can write well.
My understanding was more that the admissions officers want to see what kind of a person you are through your essay and if you'd be a good addition to the campus community. The content of the essay is supposed to show your personality and interests, and the style and formatting show your academic ability as a writer.
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ohmygoodness.
Okay. It was a choose your own prompt essay. It also had a length restriction, and the essay itself is pretty damn close to the restriction, so I really couldn't have added much more to it then I did. Besides, I really wasn't looking for critique on structure. I know it's not that great, I don't really have a reason for that. It was more the message, and to see if it was something viable.
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either use all third person, or use first and second person if you're allowed to. I was a bit confused because it seemed like you were trying not to use first/second person at first but then you still ended up using it?
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The writing is very unpolished, i.e. it sounds like a high schooler wrote it.
The message is repetitious and does not use many rhetorical devices well.
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Tip number 1 to writing college essays: always link your topic back to yourself; how did this help you grow as a person? How did this affect your mental fortitude and understanding of people? Seems to me like you're just a pissed off high schooler with bad friends.
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On February 09 2012 00:27 Polemos wrote:
It is no secret to anyone that
Fuck! No no no no no. Don't do that!
has any sort of exposure to high school recently that high school is
What are you trying to say? This is technically called "diarrhea of the mouth". Just delete it.
not a kind place
There, you finally said it.
However, anyone can get through it, especially if they take advice from someone who has finished high school.
Tell that to someone who didn't get through it.
If I were to choose some advice to give to someone just starting high school,
Yes, please do, that is what you were prompted to do. Do not use the colloquial subjunctive. It is a weak style, best used in parody.
my advice to them would be to not take everything personally.
I agree. Don't take my criticism personally.
High school is an incredibly emotionally taxing place for youth, especially if they are not the social butterflies of their generation. High school is full of backstabbing friends, ignorant enemies, and dramatic situations.
Well said.
School is a rarely a safe place for anyone, especially if they have any sort of trait, or even a perk, that someone could exploit for personal entertainment.
Delete the "sort of trait... perk" gibberish. "exploit for personal entertainment"? I think you're just trying to say "ridicule". Again, diarrhea.
Many people also tell you that life isn’t fair, and it’s completely correct. However, many of a high school students peers feel the need to drive in that fact.
You're delivering personal experience impersonally. Just talk about yourself, what you have seen. Don't speculate with "some"/"many", it's weak. Talk about your friends, name names (or change the names). Teach through storytelling, not through dogma (as I am doing now (in haste), but you know that I am correct).
They will find cause to torment you, and just shrug it off because they can use the excuse that life isn’t fair. At that point, it will be up to the new student to realize that in the end, those people that set out to torment you don’t matter, and that by not returning the favor, one is better than those who set out to torment others.
You actually wrote this in a college essay? College admissions officers have to balance a lot of talent with a lot of arrogance. Don't be an outlier.
Charles R. Swindoll once said, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it, and so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.” If one was to take this quote to heart, and live to it, then you won’t have any problems getting past what a lot of other didn’t have the heart to do.
Macbeth once said, "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." I can namedrop too, but it doesn't make a good essay. You aren't talking from experience, you are mimicking the rhetorical forms of others (and wielding them poorly). There is nothing in those forms that tells me about you or what you learned.
This is not to say that high school is all bad. There are many good aspects. One might meet people who they will know for the rest of their lives, or one might meet people that have an influence on how one lives their life. High school will also test a person every day to see if that person lives out to be who they want to be.
My advice to a student just entering high school is to just not take everything as a personal insult. High school is a constant test and challenge, and one will not survive in it by constantly feeling insulted. High school, whether it was negative or positive, will always be an important aspect of one’s life. Live and learn, make the best of it, and leave the rest behind.
... whatever. You didn't actually tell me anything interesting.
Ask a friend to read it to you, and listen to it as though he/she wrote it. The form is fine, it sounds like it has been well-written, but in the hands of another your essay could perfectly reattach itself to their identity. It is impersonal, it could be the experience of anybody. The author doesn't give the reader a piece of himself. It is inanimate. It doesn't actually have any message.
But hey, it's a college essay. We all flub them. I think I wrote about Baldur's Gate in one of mine.
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EPT
