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I'll do my best to keep this short and include all pertinent information. Today my fiance called me at work and told me her grandad probably has cancer but they won't know until tomorrow. I knew he was in the hospital and getting tests but I hadn't heard anything bad or good yet just that tests were being run. Our current wedding date is May next year. She told me she (and her parents) want to have a small ceremony so that her grandad can attend since he may not make til next May. This small ceremony would consist of my parents and brother and her parents and grandparents and this would make us married. She wants to have the other big wedding next May for all the people we wanted to invite initially, although we would technically be married already. My family is about 8 hours from her home town where she wants to have the small ceremony. I am close with my family and she is close with hers.
So those are the facts of the situation. Now, when she told me all this today I was kind of in shock, both from the possible cancer and the wedding stuff. She often gets mad when she springs things on me and doesn't hear exactly what she wants immediately. I suck at reading what she wants to hear and don't say the right things - as I did today. I was kind of quiet trying to process what I was just told and proceeded to voice a few concerns over when this would happen and if my parents and brother could even make it on short notice (yes I did console her first about the news of possible cancer). That voicing of concern on my part certainly didn't help my situation but she was beyond pissed that I even hesitated or had to process what she just told me.
So first question, was I being insensitive/being an asshole at this point? On one hand after having some time to think I really wish I would have just said "Yes, whatever you want that's fine" like she wanted to hear. On the other hand I don't think it's unreasonable to give someone a little time with huge news like this before delving into things.
Also, and probably the most important part of all this, I feel like now no matter how I feel about anything it doesn't matter because the possible passing away of her grandad soon trumps everything else. I actually have strong feelings about the whole real small wedding and then having a 'fake' larger wedding later and not having my whole family there for the real deal. Should I even mention this to her?
Sorry for the long post. Long story short, am I being selfish/insensitive/an asshole about this situation? I feel like my concerns and possibly my parents concerns about the wedding part of this just doesn't count and maybe it shouldn't. I just don't know if it's appropriate for me to voice these concerns when obviously losing a grandparent is more important than a wedding or pretty much anything else in life.
I feel like I should include that I lost all of my grandparents many many years ago, I barely even remember my parents telling me or the funerals. She says I don't handle death or anything really serious things well so that may be true. I also HATE not having in say in things that directly involve my life or what I do which I feel might be the source of all of this. I just need some outside thoughts, which may in fact confirm that I'm just being a selfish prick.
If you read all of this thank you. Please share your thoughts.
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Yeah, I think you are being kind of an asshole, and it was wrong to not simply agree with her on the ceremony part. Aside from that you are completely correct that your concerns about the wedding dont really matter at this point. I also think they shouldnt, I mean the man is dying you may as well give him something to look forward to before his death.
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As long as you weren't a dick about it then not really too much. But you also can't blame her for being angry at you. Just a thing that can happen it shouldn't be that big of a deal just talk to her say you are willing but that you just needed to process the huge change of plans and the logistics of it and all that.
People should be the most important thing and if you have a chance to do something awesome for someone who is close to her then you should do it. To me having a "fake" ceremony doesn't really matter because people there will still get to celebrate it with you and all that and being officially married before that shouldn't change that much.
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Sometimes you should just imagine the parallel universes where you take each option. Like you said when you thought about it, you wish you had just said " Yes, whatever you want that's fine". Sometimes it's not fair but you just have to accept the situation, pretty similar thing happened to my dad when my Grandfather on my moms side was dying, I'm not really sure what he did wrong but clearly he didn't just go with the flow and she got really pissed, was it 100% fair to him? probably not. should he have just shut up and gone with it no matter how annoying / unfair it was? probably.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change.  Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special.
It's not a big deal, she will get over this because she has bigger things to worry about. You weren't being a dick or nothing, you're making it bigger than it is. Just let me ask you this though: do you want her resenting you for the next 40-60 years because you didn't let her dying grandfather come to her wedding? Of course not.
Whenever I hit one of those gray areas with the wifey, I find myself always asking: Is it really THAT big of a deal? That's for you to decide of course, and it depends what type of value of you put on the act of the wedding to yourself. In my case, the wedding was just another day - I didn't feel any differently about my wife the day before or the day after. To her, it was the world.
Throwing family in the mix makes it dicey for sure, but take this from very very very personal experience (lot's of drama that ended up with me kicking me own mother out of the wedding venue completely); she will be your wife and she has to come first, or it will never work out. You can be close with your family for sure, but SHE comes first.
My thoughts were probably scattered due to lack of sleep but if you want any more advice let me know.
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i dont think you are an asshole or insensitive. a wedding is supposed to be special for both sides, and if you are having concerns and voicing those concerns, that can never be a bad thing. she should also realize that making plans and surprising them with you is not the best way to broach a subject (especially after dropping the cancer bomb on you).
you should really consider giving in to her request for an early, short wedding though, because it obviously means a lot to her. give it some thought, make some calls to see if it is doable and then decide what to do.
also, i dont know why you would say the second wedding is fake. my brother had three weddings. one for visa issues (his wife is chinese), one in china for her side of the family and one in california for our side of the family. the first was practical, and the other two were very special for them.
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No, absolutely not that's being completely reasonable, but then again we are talking about the mysterious inner workings of the female mind here.
In all seriousness, normally I would tell you to stand your ground, because if you let your partner push you around early on in the relationship they will have a tendency to impose their will upon you later on. However, in this case I think it would be appropriate that you do have a smaller ceremony first with only close family, should terminal cancer [unfortunately] be the case. I completely understand your partner's point of view when it comes to this, and I would agree with her when it comes to having a small wedding ceremony early, but I do feel that she's definitely overreacting when it comes to you not responding immediately. Your wedding ceremony should be one of the biggest moments of your life, you have every right to think it over.
Besides, you can't even make plans yet since you don't even know what the situation is with her granddad. Why does she insist on being so hasty? She should give you the time before the results of the test to think it over, that's not too much to ask.
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On January 31 2012 14:53 dAPhREAk wrote:
i dont think you are an asshole or insensitive. a wedding is supposed to be special for both sides, and if you are having concerns and voicing those concerns, that can never be a bad thing. she should also realize that making plans and surprising them with you is not the best way to broach a subject (especially after dropping the cancer bomb on you).
.
Ummmm I don't know about that one... 
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On January 31 2012 14:46 MrDudeMan wrote:
Yeah, I think you are being kind of an asshole, and it was wrong to not simply agree with her on the ceremony part. Aside from that you are completely correct that your concerns about the wedding dont really matter at this point. I also think they shouldnt, I mean the man is dying you may as well give him something to look forward to before his death.
IGNORE THIS, THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. Holy shit lol.
You're a person too, your concerns absolutely matter -- especially this part:
I feel like now no matter how I feel about anything it doesn't matter because the possible passing away of her grandad soon trumps everything else. I actually have strong feelings about the whole real small wedding and then having a 'fake' larger wedding later and not having my whole family there for the real deal.
That's so huge, like what the fuck -- she's really concerned her grandfather won't be able to make it to the wedding, so she wants to have a special ceremony with just her immediate family so he can make it. Great, wonderful, as long as you're willing, and it sounds like you are -- AS LONG AS your family can also make it. Her grandfather dying doesn't mean she is entitled to completely shit all over everything you might be feeling too, and that she'd even use it that way is a pretty significant red flag. I hope you bring this up with her, hell I'd even show her what you wrote here, verbatim, since it shows that you're being thoughtful while also wanting to be true to what you're thinking and feeling.
Good luck.
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well, to a certain level, yes. this small ceremony is to do with fullfilling a soon-to-be-dead person's probably last happy moment.
I can't really think if any excuses/concerns that you could put up that is quite as big as this to be honest
one reason why she is beyond pissed is probably because she thought you would surely agree with her.
She probably wants you to think about how to get rid of those concerns, rather than raising them up as if you are disagreeing to hold one.
unless you are 100% certain you won't regret it, then you should totally listen to her.
I mean can you imagine yourself regretting about it later, only to find that you have left a scar in her's memory and also an old man's dying regret because you have some concerns?
Not to mention what kind of impression you gave to her family's side. It's not going to be a one-time, easy to forget kind of thing.
Unless your family is very selfish (I don't quite know another word for it), they are going to understand. At the very least, you could discuss with them and if they also don't want you to hold a special wedding that they can't attend, then you can raise this concern.
For everyone's sake (yes, including yourself), go figure out whether a big official wedding is worth all these trouble.
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From the information you gave, it seems like all you were doing was thinking before speaking, which can never be a bad thing. Her response seems kind of crazy-- like, it seems super selfish of her to get angry at you for having independent thought o.O Maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but she seems completely unreasonable and in the wrong. Should you move the wedding up to accommodate her dying grandfather? Yes. Are you unreasonable? No. Are you an asshole? No.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
On January 31 2012 15:12 mbr2321 wrote:
From the information you gave, it seems like all you were doing was thinking before speaking, which can never be a bad thing. Her response seems kind of crazy-- like, it seems super selfish of her to get angry at you for having independent thought o.O Maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but she seems completely unreasonable and in the wrong. Should you move the wedding up to accommodate her dying grandfather? Yes. Are you unreasonable? No. Are you an asshole? No.
I just described this scenario to my wife, and before I could even finish saying that "He was just contemplating these thoughts, but he agreed that the grandfather's possible death would trump all that" she started freaking out "OMG WHAT AN ASSHOLE."
Point is, again, women 'think' and react completely differently than we do. They are completely emotion based.
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Thanks for all the responses guys, it seriously helps me gain some perspective. Her happiness is more important than anything else. If i could go back having been able to process everything I would definitely just tell her we can do whatever she wants. I don't want her to have to worry about my petty concerns, she has enough to worry about. Seriously, thank you.
As EvilTeletubby said, I don't want to let her down and have her (and me for that matter) regretting not doing this for the rest of our lives together.
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On January 31 2012 14:35 Charger wrote:
So first question, was I being insensitive/being an asshole at this point? On one hand after having some time to think I really wish I would have just said "Yes, whatever you want that's fine" like she wanted to hear. On the other hand I don't think it's unreasonable to give someone a little time with huge news like this before delving into things.
It sounds like the two of you had big plans and had worked on them together, and she expect you to agree to a rather big change immediately.
This is a large change because it might change a lot of things ... especially because of the apparently large time between this wedding and the 'big' wedding ceremony - which really would turn into a big 'we have been married for a year' sort of thing.
I don't think you are unreasonable or insensitive.
Rather I would ask ... when she knows ... how long does her grandfather have? Could you have a sort of thing in the middle ... that is, a real wedding at some point in time, but maybe without everyone that you had first planned to have? So instead of a small ceremony in a couple of weeks (way I read her proposal), what about a thing in 3 or 4 months? Or isn't that possible?
I think she should give you some time to process it either way ...
However, you should know that some people when they are conflicted about something, and decide they 'have' to do something, they are already worked up about it, and lash out at people that disagrees - because they aren't entirely comfortable themselves with their proposal. So her overreaction may be that she isn't 100% sure that it's perfectly fine (maybe she really wanted a big real wedding, which she now won't have, but is willing to sacrifice), and in her mind, she being willing to sacrifice something she wants, makes it unreasonable for you to object (I know it doesn't make sense, but a lot of people do this).
In other words, the perfectly "right" thing would be to agree, comfort her, and later, discuss how to go about it in a logical manner. But - that is assuming you instantly processed what she said and reached the conclusion you have ... most people, even logical people, need some time to process something.
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On January 31 2012 14:56 Nibbler89 wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 14:53 dAPhREAk wrote:
i dont think you are an asshole or insensitive. a wedding is supposed to be special for both sides, and if you are having concerns and voicing those concerns, that can never be a bad thing. she should also realize that making plans and surprising them with you is not the best way to broach a subject (especially after dropping the cancer bomb on you).
. Ummmm I don't know about that one...
any relationship not based on communication is doomed to fail. if he keeps holding things in, it will eventually blow up and thats how relationships fail.
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On January 31 2012 15:28 aebriol wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 14:35 Charger wrote:
So first question, was I being insensitive/being an asshole at this point? On one hand after having some time to think I really wish I would have just said "Yes, whatever you want that's fine" like she wanted to hear. On the other hand I don't think it's unreasonable to give someone a little time with huge news like this before delving into things.
It sounds like the two of you had big plans and had worked on them together, and she expect you to agree to a rather big change immediately. This is a large change because it might change a lot of things ... especially because of the apparently large time between this wedding and the 'big' wedding ceremony - which really would turn into a big 'we have been married for a year' sort of thing. I don't think you are unreasonable or insensitive. Rather I would ask ... when she knows ... how long does her grandfather have? Could you have a sort of thing in the middle ... that is, a real wedding at some point in time, but maybe without everyone that you had first planned to have? So instead of a small ceremony in a couple of weeks (way I read her proposal), what about a thing in 3 or 4 months? Or isn't that possible? I think she should give you some time to process it either way ... However, you should know that some people when they are conflicted about something, and decide they 'have' to do something, they are already worked up about it, and lash out at people that disagrees - because they aren't entirely comfortable themselves with their proposal. So her overreaction may be that she isn't 100% sure that it's perfectly fine (maybe she really wanted a big real wedding, which she now won't have, but is willing to sacrifice), and in her mind, she being willing to sacrifice something she wants, makes it unreasonable for you to object (I know it doesn't make sense, but a lot of people do this). In other words, the perfectly "right" thing would be to agree, comfort her, and later, discuss how to go about it in a logical manner. But - that is assuming you instantly processed what she said and reached the conclusion you have ... most people, even logical people, need some time to process something.
The compromise if you will of having the wedding sometime in the middle is actually a great idea. I will bring this up to her for sure as it sounds like a great solution assuming he does in fact have cancer and can make it a few months. We find out tomorrow if it is for sure cancer and if that's the case, I think I'll just focus on consoling her and not even bring up wedding stuff until she is ready to discuss it.
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I'm glad you were able to get some help. I know that this situation will reoccur throughout any relationship. Comforting in the short term, planning in the long term.
Best of luck to you bro, and my condolences to your soon to be extended family pending bad news.
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I think you're kind of similar to me. When something bad happens and arrangements need to be made, I try to immerse myself in the replanning. What you did was perhaps badly phrased or timed, but I understand and agree. I think it's a pretty good way of coping.
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Yes you are being an asshole. I don't know if you have ever had a grandparent about to die or anything, but it's pretty bad. There might be problems with what she wants, but that's not the issue. You aren't wrong about there being issues with wedding dates etc. The real issue is the timing. Holy shit man, are you serious? [generalizing] Women expect completely different things then men do. If I come to you with a problem, I want you to help me and fix it. If a women comes to you with a problem, she just wants you to understand what she is going through and comfort her.[/generalizing] Shooting her down when she is still emotional (even if she isn't crying or whatever right at that moment....hearing news like that will have you on a coaster for days...) To her, its like hearing you don't care about what she is feeling like.
Technically, you guys should already have papers before the wedding, so you'd be married anyways. MOST weddings are "fake".
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Calgary25980 Posts
I would not have a wedding 1 and wedding 2 unless I wanted to. Marriage is serious shit. Can't you just have an engagement party with the grandfather? Make it all regal and shit but don't call it a wedding and don't get married.
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You're not being an asshole, your fiancee is really just being illogical (not to blame her, finding out a loved one might have a terminal illness is a big shock). If you have a small wedding just because of her grandfathers situation then there's a good chance that (a) everybody is going to be thinking about the cancer, making the wedding a tearfest, and (b) your wedding memories are going to be inextricably linked with your fiancee's grandfather's death.
The best thing you can do is plan to spend a lot of time with your fiancee and grandfather, and have the wedding you want. If you do move the date of the wedding, don't do it right away, so that everybody has time to get over the news first.
+ Show Spoiler +This may sound hard-hearted, but it's based on my own experience losing my grandfather to cancer. His cancer came back just before Christmas time, and we all pretty much knew he wasn't going to make it, so that Christmas was going to be the last major family gathering we had. He always handed out gifts to the entire family. Holy shit, when it was time for him to hand out the gifts, we all cried like crazy.
That memory is really important to me, but I wouldn't have wanted that to be my wedding day.
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I'm with Chill here. A wedding is serious. Don't marry because you want to do someone a favor. The wedding should be the most important thing you have in mind at that time, nothing else. Make an engagement party as Chill said and get married in May...
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I think munchmunch brings up a good point. Memories of your wedding may well be tied to her grandfather passing away which means it may turn out to be a depressing memory as opposed to a happy one.
No i don't think you're being an asshole. When big news comes up like this its better to cool down and not let emotions get in the way before making any big decisions. You're not being selfish either, its your wedding as much as it is hers, it would be reasonable for you to be able to expect at least your family there at the 'real' ceremony. Unless of course you don't care about them being there, then no need to make a fuss. Try and work things out, see how long he has before he goes. If you can get your parents/siblings in short notice then everything should be good, right?
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Logged in to reply to this: No you're not being insensitive/an asshole. While we don't really have the luxury of knowing exactly how things transpired (not just the words, but the body language, etc), I think you're being very reasonable. A wedding is no ordinary day. Sure, as ETT said it didn't change the relationship that much privately, but publicly it's an acknowledgment to the whole world, which includes your family, relatives, friends, strangers, and the State, that you've officially changed your status. Along with everything that brings (i.e., monogamy, family, property regime, etc).
I agree with Chill - compromise, preferably in such a way as not to make your plans go awry. Is it really that important for the grandfather to see his granddaughter married? He knows that's gonna happen anyway. The most important thing for him right now is spending as much quality time as possible with his loved ones. That's it. No single event like a wedding will ever change that. The likely scenario is that it's important to HER. Which is all well and good, but should not be at the expense of (1) your future together - in terms of your resenting the event because of what she wants, (2) the association of the event of your wedding to her dying grandfather - which corresponds to diminishing the effect of anniversaries, and (3) the fulfillment of a personal desire to have her grandfather in her wedding.
All this hinges on whether or not she has a father left to walk her to the altar, cause if not, and her grandfather was supposed to be the one to do that, then just agree to it.
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I think you're in the right. A second fake wedding sounds like shit. Do something for the grandfather but you don't have to fuck up such a big day (for both of you) just because her grandad might have some sort of cancer.
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Long story short:
You might seem like an asshole to her but I think that quite both of you are insensitive.
She doesn't consider that you need time to think about such a huge decision. Neither does she try to see it from your point of view.
I guess you also didn't do that, but really, how are you supposed to do that in a few seconds.
I think both of you are a bit insensitive. She should calm down and listen to what you have to say though.
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have you sat down and had a chat with her about this type of thing before? aka where she pushes for an immediate and unquestioned surrender for her needs, and your concerns are wiped off the table/disregarded? Because if this is a commonly recurring theme in your relationship, i'd say it would be worthwhile to sort out before progressing to the next level? Many people focus on the circumstantial shit in the moment, but once that crisis is resolved, underlying unexamined patterns still exist. If this is a constant concern of yours, it is worth investing time to explore.
If at a later point she gives you full recognition and justification for your thoughts and hesitation, then that would be a good sign, but if even after shit has blown over, and shes still puts her needs ahead of yours without consulting you, then i'd start planting minesweeper flags.
just a netizen's 2cents
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You're not an asshole. I wouldn't call her crazy or anything for her reaction though, because it seems like she's really emotionally stressed by the news with her grandfather, who she obviously must be close to.
As for whether or not you should agree to the wedding: If her grandfather is someone she is extremely close to and she wants him to be at the wedding for that reason, you should probably consider some kind of compromise to include him before he passes away. I assume this is the reason, and not because her mother wants every last 3rd cousin and other people you two have never met before to attend the wedding.
If you have strong feelings about it, speak up now. A wedding happens once and just as she might resent it for the rest of forever if her grandfather isn't there, you might resent it if you are really unhappy about the whole thing. A marriage is between TWO people, and requires compromises and decisions made together. If she's not the kind of person who will do that, don't marry her.
The best thing to do is to figure out the actual time you have to work with, wait for her to calm down over her initial grief with the cancer diagnosis, and decide what you are willing to sacrifice and compromise for the wedding.
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Sounds like she isn't mad at you really. Probably dealing with the idea of losing a loved one. Wedding ceremonies/get together's often take a lot of money and planning, I would be surprised if you instantly responded "Great idea honey!". I'd just keep talking about it with her, maybe reach a compromise, or give in if its not a big deal (if your relationship is solid I'm sure you will be able to work this out).
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On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special.
This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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On January 31 2012 21:45 blah_blah wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special. This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
What? Its not sexist when its true - and it is. It doesnt mean that women are wrong and stupid. We just react to things differently. Then some men react more like women and vice versa..
I think you should just tell her what you told us. Tell her that the big news surprised you and you didn't have time to process it before answering. Then tell her what you really want to do - whatever that may be.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
On January 31 2012 21:45 blah_blah wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special. This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Um, ok? You're suggesting that Men don't have a tendency to react to situations based more on logic and women more on emotions??
Not really sure how that is sexist when it's pretty proven (quick google search pulls up some study results). Hell, even my wife would be the first one to point it out. And it doesn't necessary mean one is better than another, just different ways of crisis management.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
weddings r meaningless ceremonies hyped up thru centuries....in the end the relationship is all that matters
u, being the logical half of the relationship, should recognize this fact and also recognize the fact that ur wife will never recognize this fact
that being said, swallow ur pride and do the first silly ceremony so she can feel like she gave her grandad closure in life
some things just mean a lot to people and theres nothing u can do to change it so deal wit it
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If you rush your wedding now for the Grandfather its kinda making him the focus of the event which isnt fair on him or you guys. He may even feel guilty about the whole thing if he realises how you feel which is a terrible if he has indeed got cancer.
Is there any way you can bring it forward but pull out all the stops? I know its short notice but make it as big and amazing as you can so that you put your own stamp on it and it is in fact YOUR day with the added bonus that he can attend.
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On January 31 2012 21:50 EvilTeletubby wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 21:45 blah_blah wrote:On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special. This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself. Um, ok? You're suggesting that Men don't have a tendency to react to situations based more on logic and women more on emotions?? Not really sure how that is sexist when it's pretty proven (quick google search pulls up some study results). Hell, even my wife would be the first one to point it out. And it doesn't necessary mean one is better than another, just different ways of crisis management.
Please direct me to reputable, peer-reviewed research demonstrating that, overall, men think 'logically' whereas women think 'emotionally'. I won't hold my breath because I know that there aren't any.
In fact there are several documented areas in which women behave logically and men behave emotionally. Stock picking is one, for example (see the recent book by Nobel Prize winner Kahneman). Men hold on to losing stocks much longer than women do. I am sure that with even a modicum of effort you can find other situations (in peer-reviewed research) where men are much more stubborn and irrational (or, as you might say, 'emotional'!) than women.
Categorizing female behavior as emotional and male behavior as logical is incredibly sexist. The implication is that female behavior is inferior to male behavior (think of the connotations associated with the words 'emotional' and 'logical'!)
But hey, YOUR WIFE agrees so you must be correct.
User was banned for this post.
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On January 31 2012 22:03 Rekrul wrote:
weddings r meaningless ceremonies hyped up thru centuries....in the end the relationship is all that matters
u, being the logical half of the relationship, should recognize this fact and also recognize the fact that ur wife will never recognize this fact
that being said, swallow ur pride and do the first silly ceremony so she can feel like she gave her grandad closure in life
some things just mean a lot to people and theres nothing u can do to change it so deal wit it
Listen to rek and ett. it will inconveinence you and your family, but it's a battle you can't win and it's really not over much at all.
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I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This part in particular struck me:
feel like my concerns and possibly my parents concerns about the wedding part of this just doesn't count and maybe it shouldn't. I just don't know if it's appropriate for me to voice these concerns when obviously losing a grandparent is more important than a wedding or pretty much anything else in life.
His dying is arguably more important than the wedding, but it's also unrelated. Him dying means it's reasonable if she wanted to delay it out of grief - not push it forward and inconvenience your whole family.
Ask yourself this - why is him missing the wedding more important than all of your extended family? I rarely say this but you are 100% in the right on this one.
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I have read a lot of insensitive/ asshole-ish things on TL blogs, and this is totally not one of them. The fact that you took time to digest information... and still ended up agreeing with her and properly consoling her anyway was not only smart, but it was still sensitive and caring.
She was emotional (and rightly so, considering her grandfather's condition), and she should be the one to eventually apologize to you (not that that will end up happening, probably).
Ya did good 
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On January 31 2012 23:54 Subversive wrote:I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This part in particular struck me: + Show Spoiler +feel like my concerns and possibly my parents concerns about the wedding part of this just doesn't count and maybe it shouldn't. I just don't know if it's appropriate for me to voice these concerns when obviously losing a grandparent is more important than a wedding or pretty much anything else in life. His dying is arguably more important than the wedding, but it's also unrelated. Him dying means it's reasonable if she wanted to delay it out of grief - not push it forward and inconvenience your whole family. Ask yourself this - why is him missing the wedding more important than all of your extended family? I rarely say this but you are 100% in the right on this one.
Because it's a lot easier to go to your boss 'hi, my daughter-in-law's grandfather is very ill, wedding is moved up to accommodate, need this day off' than it is to drag a bed ridden, terminally ill cancer patient to a ceremony after he's gone through chemo for a year. If he survives that long.
granted, it sucks to have to deal with all those changes, doing a wedding ceremony twice and forcing everyone to change. But really, it's all really minor shit for the most part and would go a long way to make the woman you're going to marry happy. It isn't hard to get a day off.
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If it means that much to you to be really married on the big ceremony, just do this little ceremony try to convince your wife to make it look real and such but sign a fake paper. The grandfather won't be the wiser and it will still be something special he was part of. But it shouldn't be a big deal, if you actually got married then the big ceremony was just a party for everyone to celebrate and enjoy your marriage as a couple. That's what weddings are usually about anyways. The signing of the papers is really just what it is.. paperwork.
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On January 31 2012 16:23 Chill wrote:
I would not have a wedding 1 and wedding 2 unless I wanted to. Marriage is serious shit. Can't you just have an engagement party with the grandfather? Make it all regal and shit but don't call it a wedding and don't get married.
That was sort of my initial idea. I actually asked during our initial conversation if the first or second ceremony would be the 'real' one. Her response was something like 'of course the first one would be real, I don't want to trick my grandfather with a fake ceremony.' That's not a direct quote but it's close.
I'm hopeful we can just have one regular wedding maybe in a few months. I'm ok with that and that was actually our initial plan until she realized she had an extra semester of school so we pushed it back until the next spring/summer.
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The question to me is whether the ceremony(s?) really matter to you. Usually little girls start planning their dream wedding from a pretty young age. For me, I could care less about the wedding itself. I just want a good wife.
My move would be to agree to everything related to the wedding. In fact, when the day comes for me, I am going to have to try very hard simply to muster up an act like I care about the weeding ceremony.
UNLESS she has already made a habit of bullying you with her emotions and manipulating you. If this is a pattern of behavior, you should stand your ground. But that is not what it sounds like to me.
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On February 01 2012 00:09 Hawk wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 23:54 Subversive wrote:I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This part in particular struck me: + Show Spoiler +feel like my concerns and possibly my parents concerns about the wedding part of this just doesn't count and maybe it shouldn't. I just don't know if it's appropriate for me to voice these concerns when obviously losing a grandparent is more important than a wedding or pretty much anything else in life. His dying is arguably more important than the wedding, but it's also unrelated. Him dying means it's reasonable if she wanted to delay it out of grief - not push it forward and inconvenience your whole family. Ask yourself this - why is him missing the wedding more important than all of your extended family? I rarely say this but you are 100% in the right on this one. Because it's a lot easier to go to your boss 'hi, my daughter-in-law's grandfather is very ill, wedding is moved up to accommodate, need this day off' than it is to drag a bed ridden, terminally ill cancer patient to a ceremony after he's gone through chemo for a year. If he survives that long. granted, it sucks to have to deal with all those changes, doing a wedding ceremony twice and forcing everyone to change. But really, it's all really minor shit for the most part and would go a long way to make the woman you're going to marry happy. It isn't hard to get a day off.
For his entire extended family? When he's unsure if his immediate family can make it. Yeah ok.
Edit: I know you were talking about the groom's father but my point is, dying or not, why does her extended family matter so much more than his? Yes he's dying and that's terrible but it's totally unrelated to the wedding. Seeing it isn't going to bring him back. It's a nice gesture if he's prepared to sacrifice his family being there for hers, but it shouldn't be mandatory, grandfathers impending demise or not.
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On January 31 2012 19:00 Railxp wrote:
have you sat down and had a chat with her about this type of thing before? aka where she pushes for an immediate and unquestioned surrender for her needs, and your concerns are wiped off the table/disregarded? Because if this is a commonly recurring theme in your relationship, i'd say it would be worthwhile to sort out before progressing to the next level? Many people focus on the circumstantial shit in the moment, but once that crisis is resolved, underlying unexamined patterns still exist. If this is a constant concern of yours, it is worth investing time to explore.
If at a later point she gives you full recognition and justification for your thoughts and hesitation, then that would be a good sign, but if even after shit has blown over, and shes still puts her needs ahead of yours without consulting you, then i'd start planting minesweeper flags.
just a netizen's 2cents
Haha, that just made me lol at work
This type of back and forth isn't new for us, although it's usually about comparatively petty stuff. What normally happens is I come around a little towards the way she is feeling and she comes around a little towards the way I am feeling and we can meet somewhere in the middle.
We usually can at least see where the other person was coming from after the dust settles and emotions aren't running high.
I'm hopeful we can get to that point when things calm down a little bit, good or bad news.
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You're not being unreasonable. Your fiancé probably had to many things in her mind and assumed that what she thought was the only way to do things. If your family understands and are available to be part of the smaller cerimony then you should go for it.
On January 31 2012 15:15 EvilTeletubby wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 15:12 mbr2321 wrote:
From the information you gave, it seems like all you were doing was thinking before speaking, which can never be a bad thing. Her response seems kind of crazy-- like, it seems super selfish of her to get angry at you for having independent thought o.O Maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but she seems completely unreasonable and in the wrong. Should you move the wedding up to accommodate her dying grandfather? Yes. Are you unreasonable? No. Are you an asshole? No. I just described this scenario to my wife, and before I could even finish saying that "He was just contemplating these thoughts, but he agreed that the grandfather's possible death would trump all that" she started freaking out "OMG WHAT AN ASSHOLE." Point is, again, women 'think' and react completely differently than we do. They are completely emotion based.
LOL I'm imagining you trying to present both point of views to your wife and she immediately 'ignoring' the OP concerns and thoughts and bashing him...
Women....(no offense <3 women!)
Sometimes I hate them too...But mostly <3
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