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You're not being an asshole, your fiancee is really just being illogical (not to blame her, finding out a loved one might have a terminal illness is a big shock). If you have a small wedding just because of her grandfathers situation then there's a good chance that (a) everybody is going to be thinking about the cancer, making the wedding a tearfest, and (b) your wedding memories are going to be inextricably linked with your fiancee's grandfather's death.
The best thing you can do is plan to spend a lot of time with your fiancee and grandfather, and have the wedding you want. If you do move the date of the wedding, don't do it right away, so that everybody has time to get over the news first.
+ Show Spoiler +This may sound hard-hearted, but it's based on my own experience losing my grandfather to cancer. His cancer came back just before Christmas time, and we all pretty much knew he wasn't going to make it, so that Christmas was going to be the last major family gathering we had. He always handed out gifts to the entire family. Holy shit, when it was time for him to hand out the gifts, we all cried like crazy.
That memory is really important to me, but I wouldn't have wanted that to be my wedding day.
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I'm with Chill here. A wedding is serious. Don't marry because you want to do someone a favor. The wedding should be the most important thing you have in mind at that time, nothing else. Make an engagement party as Chill said and get married in May...
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I think munchmunch brings up a good point. Memories of your wedding may well be tied to her grandfather passing away which means it may turn out to be a depressing memory as opposed to a happy one.
No i don't think you're being an asshole. When big news comes up like this its better to cool down and not let emotions get in the way before making any big decisions. You're not being selfish either, its your wedding as much as it is hers, it would be reasonable for you to be able to expect at least your family there at the 'real' ceremony. Unless of course you don't care about them being there, then no need to make a fuss. Try and work things out, see how long he has before he goes. If you can get your parents/siblings in short notice then everything should be good, right?
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Logged in to reply to this: No you're not being insensitive/an asshole. While we don't really have the luxury of knowing exactly how things transpired (not just the words, but the body language, etc), I think you're being very reasonable. A wedding is no ordinary day. Sure, as ETT said it didn't change the relationship that much privately, but publicly it's an acknowledgment to the whole world, which includes your family, relatives, friends, strangers, and the State, that you've officially changed your status. Along with everything that brings (i.e., monogamy, family, property regime, etc).
I agree with Chill - compromise, preferably in such a way as not to make your plans go awry. Is it really that important for the grandfather to see his granddaughter married? He knows that's gonna happen anyway. The most important thing for him right now is spending as much quality time as possible with his loved ones. That's it. No single event like a wedding will ever change that. The likely scenario is that it's important to HER. Which is all well and good, but should not be at the expense of (1) your future together - in terms of your resenting the event because of what she wants, (2) the association of the event of your wedding to her dying grandfather - which corresponds to diminishing the effect of anniversaries, and (3) the fulfillment of a personal desire to have her grandfather in her wedding.
All this hinges on whether or not she has a father left to walk her to the altar, cause if not, and her grandfather was supposed to be the one to do that, then just agree to it.
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I think you're in the right. A second fake wedding sounds like shit. Do something for the grandfather but you don't have to fuck up such a big day (for both of you) just because her grandad might have some sort of cancer.
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Long story short:
You might seem like an asshole to her but I think that quite both of you are insensitive.
She doesn't consider that you need time to think about such a huge decision. Neither does she try to see it from your point of view.
I guess you also didn't do that, but really, how are you supposed to do that in a few seconds.
I think both of you are a bit insensitive. She should calm down and listen to what you have to say though.
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have you sat down and had a chat with her about this type of thing before? aka where she pushes for an immediate and unquestioned surrender for her needs, and your concerns are wiped off the table/disregarded? Because if this is a commonly recurring theme in your relationship, i'd say it would be worthwhile to sort out before progressing to the next level? Many people focus on the circumstantial shit in the moment, but once that crisis is resolved, underlying unexamined patterns still exist. If this is a constant concern of yours, it is worth investing time to explore.
If at a later point she gives you full recognition and justification for your thoughts and hesitation, then that would be a good sign, but if even after shit has blown over, and shes still puts her needs ahead of yours without consulting you, then i'd start planting minesweeper flags.
just a netizen's 2cents
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You're not an asshole. I wouldn't call her crazy or anything for her reaction though, because it seems like she's really emotionally stressed by the news with her grandfather, who she obviously must be close to.
As for whether or not you should agree to the wedding: If her grandfather is someone she is extremely close to and she wants him to be at the wedding for that reason, you should probably consider some kind of compromise to include him before he passes away. I assume this is the reason, and not because her mother wants every last 3rd cousin and other people you two have never met before to attend the wedding.
If you have strong feelings about it, speak up now. A wedding happens once and just as she might resent it for the rest of forever if her grandfather isn't there, you might resent it if you are really unhappy about the whole thing. A marriage is between TWO people, and requires compromises and decisions made together. If she's not the kind of person who will do that, don't marry her.
The best thing to do is to figure out the actual time you have to work with, wait for her to calm down over her initial grief with the cancer diagnosis, and decide what you are willing to sacrifice and compromise for the wedding.
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Sounds like she isn't mad at you really. Probably dealing with the idea of losing a loved one. Wedding ceremonies/get together's often take a lot of money and planning, I would be surprised if you instantly responded "Great idea honey!". I'd just keep talking about it with her, maybe reach a compromise, or give in if its not a big deal (if your relationship is solid I'm sure you will be able to work this out).
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On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change.  Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special.
This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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On January 31 2012 21:45 blah_blah wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special. This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
What? Its not sexist when its true - and it is. It doesnt mean that women are wrong and stupid. We just react to things differently. Then some men react more like women and vice versa..
I think you should just tell her what you told us. Tell her that the big news surprised you and you didn't have time to process it before answering. Then tell her what you really want to do - whatever that may be.
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Baltimore, USA22261 Posts
On January 31 2012 21:45 blah_blah wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special. This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Um, ok? You're suggesting that Men don't have a tendency to react to situations based more on logic and women more on emotions??
Not really sure how that is sexist when it's pretty proven (quick google search pulls up some study results). Hell, even my wife would be the first one to point it out. And it doesn't necessary mean one is better than another, just different ways of crisis management.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
weddings r meaningless ceremonies hyped up thru centuries....in the end the relationship is all that matters
u, being the logical half of the relationship, should recognize this fact and also recognize the fact that ur wife will never recognize this fact
that being said, swallow ur pride and do the first silly ceremony so she can feel like she gave her grandad closure in life
some things just mean a lot to people and theres nothing u can do to change it so deal wit it
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If you rush your wedding now for the Grandfather its kinda making him the focus of the event which isnt fair on him or you guys. He may even feel guilty about the whole thing if he realises how you feel which is a terrible if he has indeed got cancer.
Is there any way you can bring it forward but pull out all the stops? I know its short notice but make it as big and amazing as you can so that you put your own stamp on it and it is in fact YOUR day with the added bonus that he can attend.
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On January 31 2012 21:50 EvilTeletubby wrote:Show nested quote +On January 31 2012 21:45 blah_blah wrote:On January 31 2012 14:53 EvilTeletubby wrote:Nah dude you're fine. She processed it like a woman (emotionally), you processed it like a man (logically). Get used to it, that's never going to change. Like she'll also get used to the fact that real life isn't like a Lifetime movie network special. This is disgustingly sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself. Um, ok? You're suggesting that Men don't have a tendency to react to situations based more on logic and women more on emotions?? Not really sure how that is sexist when it's pretty proven (quick google search pulls up some study results). Hell, even my wife would be the first one to point it out. And it doesn't necessary mean one is better than another, just different ways of crisis management.
Please direct me to reputable, peer-reviewed research demonstrating that, overall, men think 'logically' whereas women think 'emotionally'. I won't hold my breath because I know that there aren't any.
In fact there are several documented areas in which women behave logically and men behave emotionally. Stock picking is one, for example (see the recent book by Nobel Prize winner Kahneman). Men hold on to losing stocks much longer than women do. I am sure that with even a modicum of effort you can find other situations (in peer-reviewed research) where men are much more stubborn and irrational (or, as you might say, 'emotional'!) than women.
Categorizing female behavior as emotional and male behavior as logical is incredibly sexist. The implication is that female behavior is inferior to male behavior (think of the connotations associated with the words 'emotional' and 'logical'!)
But hey, YOUR WIFE agrees so you must be correct.
User was banned for this post.
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On January 31 2012 22:03 Rekrul wrote:
weddings r meaningless ceremonies hyped up thru centuries....in the end the relationship is all that matters
u, being the logical half of the relationship, should recognize this fact and also recognize the fact that ur wife will never recognize this fact
that being said, swallow ur pride and do the first silly ceremony so she can feel like she gave her grandad closure in life
some things just mean a lot to people and theres nothing u can do to change it so deal wit it
Listen to rek and ett. it will inconveinence you and your family, but it's a battle you can't win and it's really not over much at all.
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I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This part in particular struck me:
feel like my concerns and possibly my parents concerns about the wedding part of this just doesn't count and maybe it shouldn't. I just don't know if it's appropriate for me to voice these concerns when obviously losing a grandparent is more important than a wedding or pretty much anything else in life.
His dying is arguably more important than the wedding, but it's also unrelated. Him dying means it's reasonable if she wanted to delay it out of grief - not push it forward and inconvenience your whole family.
Ask yourself this - why is him missing the wedding more important than all of your extended family? I rarely say this but you are 100% in the right on this one.
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I have read a lot of insensitive/ asshole-ish things on TL blogs, and this is totally not one of them. The fact that you took time to digest information... and still ended up agreeing with her and properly consoling her anyway was not only smart, but it was still sensitive and caring.
She was emotional (and rightly so, considering her grandfather's condition), and she should be the one to eventually apologize to you (not that that will end up happening, probably).
Ya did good 
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On January 31 2012 23:54 Subversive wrote:I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This part in particular struck me: + Show Spoiler +feel like my concerns and possibly my parents concerns about the wedding part of this just doesn't count and maybe it shouldn't. I just don't know if it's appropriate for me to voice these concerns when obviously losing a grandparent is more important than a wedding or pretty much anything else in life. His dying is arguably more important than the wedding, but it's also unrelated. Him dying means it's reasonable if she wanted to delay it out of grief - not push it forward and inconvenience your whole family. Ask yourself this - why is him missing the wedding more important than all of your extended family? I rarely say this but you are 100% in the right on this one.
Because it's a lot easier to go to your boss 'hi, my daughter-in-law's grandfather is very ill, wedding is moved up to accommodate, need this day off' than it is to drag a bed ridden, terminally ill cancer patient to a ceremony after he's gone through chemo for a year. If he survives that long.
granted, it sucks to have to deal with all those changes, doing a wedding ceremony twice and forcing everyone to change. But really, it's all really minor shit for the most part and would go a long way to make the woman you're going to marry happy. It isn't hard to get a day off.
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If it means that much to you to be really married on the big ceremony, just do this little ceremony try to convince your wife to make it look real and such but sign a fake paper. The grandfather won't be the wiser and it will still be something special he was part of. But it shouldn't be a big deal, if you actually got married then the big ceremony was just a party for everyone to celebrate and enjoy your marriage as a couple. That's what weddings are usually about anyways. The signing of the papers is really just what it is.. paperwork.
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EPT
