On January 31 2012 16:23 Chill wrote:
I would not have a wedding 1 and wedding 2 unless I wanted to. Marriage is serious shit. Can't you just have an engagement party with the grandfather? Make it all regal and shit but don't call it a wedding and don't get married.

That was sort of my initial idea. I actually asked during our initial conversation if the first or second ceremony would be the 'real' one. Her response was something like 'of course the first one would be real, I don't want to trick my grandfather with a fake ceremony.' That's not a direct quote but it's close.

I'm hopeful we can just have one regular wedding maybe in a few months. I'm ok with that and that was actually our initial plan until she realized she had an extra semester of school so we pushed it back until the next spring/summer.

Mr. Black

United States470 Posts

January 31 2012 16:12 GMT

#42

The question to me is whether the ceremony(s?) really matter to you. Usually little girls start planning their dream wedding from a pretty young age. For me, I could care less about the wedding itself. I just want a good wife.

My move would be to agree to everything related to the wedding. In fact, when the day comes for me, I am going to have to try very hard simply to muster up an act like I care about the weeding ceremony.

UNLESS she has already made a habit of bullying you with her emotions and manipulating you. If this is a pattern of behavior, you should stand your ground. But that is not what it sounds like to me.

Subversive

Australia2229 Posts

January 31 2012 16:26 GMT

#43

On February 01 2012 00:09 Hawk wrote:

Show nested quote +

Because it's a lot easier to go to your boss 'hi, my daughter-in-law's grandfather is very ill, wedding is moved up to accommodate, need this day off' than it is to drag a bed ridden, terminally ill cancer patient to a ceremony after he's gone through chemo for a year. If he survives that long.

granted, it sucks to have to deal with all those changes, doing a wedding ceremony twice and forcing everyone to change. But really, it's all really minor shit for the most part and would go a long way to make the woman you're going to marry happy. It isn't hard to get a day off.

For his entire extended family? When he's unsure if his immediate family can make it. Yeah ok.

Edit: I know you were talking about the groom's father but my point is, dying or not, why does her extended family matter so much more than his? Yes he's dying and that's terrible but it's totally unrelated to the wedding. Seeing it isn't going to bring him back. It's a nice gesture if he's prepared to sacrifice his family being there for hers, but it shouldn't be mandatory, grandfathers impending demise or not.

Charger

United States2405 Posts

January 31 2012 16:31 GMT

#44

On January 31 2012 19:00 Railxp wrote:
have you sat down and had a chat with her about this type of thing before? aka where she pushes for an immediate and unquestioned surrender for her needs, and your concerns are wiped off the table/disregarded? Because if this is a commonly recurring theme in your relationship, i'd say it would be worthwhile to sort out before progressing to the next level? Many people focus on the circumstantial shit in the moment, but once that crisis is resolved, underlying unexamined patterns still exist. If this is a constant concern of yours, it is worth investing time to explore.

If at a later point she gives you full recognition and justification for your thoughts and hesitation, then that would be a good sign, but if even after shit has blown over, and shes still puts her needs ahead of yours without consulting you, then i'd start planting minesweeper flags.

just a netizen's 2cents

Haha, that just made me lol at work

This type of back and forth isn't new for us, although it's usually about comparatively petty stuff. What normally happens is I come around a little towards the way she is feeling and she comes around a little towards the way I am feeling and we can meet somewhere in the middle.

We usually can at least see where the other person was coming from after the dust settles and emotions aren't running high.

I'm hopeful we can get to that point when things calm down a little bit, good or bad news.

EdSlyB

Portugal1621 Posts

January 31 2012 16:39 GMT

#45

You're not being unreasonable. Your fiancé probably had to many things in her mind and assumed that what she thought was the only way to do things. If your family understands and are available to be part of the smaller cerimony then you should go for it.

On January 31 2012 15:15 EvilTeletubby wrote:

Show nested quote +

I just described this scenario to my wife, and before I could even finish saying that "He was just contemplating these thoughts, but he agreed that the grandfather's possible death would trump all that" she started freaking out "OMG WHAT AN ASSHOLE."

Point is, again, women 'think' and react completely differently than we do. They are completely emotion based.

LOL I'm imagining you trying to present both point of views to your wife and she immediately 'ignoring' the OP concerns and thoughts and bashing him...

Women....(no offense <3 women!)

Sometimes I hate them too...But mostly <3