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I'm writing a sci-fi novel...

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ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-27 17:00:20
October 21 2011 23:08 GMT
#1
After getting some more feedback from people, I've started working on a separate version. I was told by a bunch of people that it was too "textbook" and there wasn't enough actually happening. If you guys could kindly compare the two and let me know which you think is better, it would be greatly appreciated.

Here's the old version:
+ Show Spoiler +
It was dark in the room in which Peter Valentine sat, only lit by a few fluorescent bulbs in the back of the room known as the Control Room, located deep within the multi-billion dollar facility of the International Association for Space Exploration. One of the bulbs flickered, just slow enough to be noticeable, yet fast enough to give you a headache if you stayed too long. A low insect-like buzz could be heard. It was rather annoying, Peter thought, but he was in no position to do anything about it. The ceilings in this portion of the underground bunker were nearly 30 feet high, and even if he had had a ladder, he didn’t know where to find replacement bulbs. It had been that way for nearly 3 months, but either Peter was the only one who found it annoying, or everyone was just too lazy to do anything about it.

Laziness and complacency were rampant here. The last time the IASE actually sent something of value into space was nearly six years ago, and most of the existing projects at that time were either completely abandoned or reduced to such minimal manning that they might as well have been. It was all Peter could do to avoid falling asleep in the eight hour graveyard shift he was currently working. His co-worker, Andrew, was soundly asleep in the hard, straight-backed chair at the monitor just feet away. He had a funny way of snoring, like a quiet whistle occasionally punctuated by the snort of a pig.

Laziness at the IASE was just the tip of the iceberg, though. The entire world had become half-sleeping, day-walking zombies. The creation of the World Union back in 2034 was supposed to be some miracle that made everyone happy. It didn’t exactly work that way, though. Sure, there hadn’t been a war since the outright destruction of the Middle East and parts of North Africa. Sure, everyone was technically happy; poverty, hunger, and crime were at record lows worldwide, but there was no ambition. For the first time in the history of humanity, everyone was united. The only dissident groups - or to the use the popular propaganda term from the beginning of the century, “terrorists” - were small, with little to no organization or real leadership. But ambition was a thing of the past.

It was almost as if no one could ever strive to better at anything than anyone else, because everyone was supposed to be treated equally. Competition was gone, because the drive to be “better” at anything was gone at a global level. Technological growth stagnated, because really? What was the point? Life was good, there was no need to make it any better. At least, that seemed to be the general mindset.

Peter was extremely frustrated by all of this, and he occasionally found himself silently hoping that war would erupt somewhere, anywhere, so as to stimulate growth in the technology of his field of work. Of course, he always thought shamefully of himself soon after these thoughts would occur to him, but it couldn’t be helped. He felt useless. He was bored, and there was really nothing he, personally, could do to make the world any more exciting.

When he was younger, when he first found himself in what was, at the time, his dream job, everything was seemingly perfect. The IASE had just been created, and the desire to venture into space was huge among the public. At the time, everyone thought “Now that war is a thing of the past, we can focus our resources on space adventurism.” And that’s what Peter wanted, dreamed for. Space Adventurism. An opportunity to explore the outer regions of the solar system, and perhaps beyond. The first few years, this desire remained, and everything seemed to be going well. Advancements in space propulsion technology were made quickly, and only a week after the first birthday of the IASE, man had walked on Mars. Another six months, and the first commercial flight to Mars launched, landed, and returned to Earth, without issue.

Peter had longed for that trip. Mars. Our sister planet. That would be his first proverbial step in the journey that was space exploration. He longed to walk to the rim of Olympus Mons and marvel at the vastness of it all. Unfortunately, due to his rigorous work schedule at the time, overseeing the beginnings of commercial Martian flight, he was unable to visit Mars in any of the first and only months that the flights occurred. Unfortunately, people weren’t too impressed with the surface of Mars. They didn’t appreciate it the way Peter did. The market for commercial space-flight simply wasn’t there. People lost interest, the stocks fell, and the market collapsed.

Now, only 15 years after the creation of the IASE in 2036, Peter was just a custodian of forgotten dreams and broken promises. And again, there was nothing short of a miracle that could change it.


Here's the new one:
+ Show Spoiler +
It was dark in the Control Room. The few fluorescent bulbs that lit the room were flickering rapidly, and they gave Peter Valentine a terrible headache. He would have been fine if he actually had something to take his mind off of the pain, but there was no work to be done on the graveyard shift at IASE Space Command. Peter was on his seventh cup of coffee in only four hours, and he struggled desperately to stay awake. He rubbed his eyes to ease the stinging pain that meant they were bloodshot. It didn’t help. His co-worker Andrew was soundly asleep feet away, snoring like a pig.

Peter got up and walked around the room aimlessly to stretch his legs. There wasn’t anything better to do. I could probably just leave and no one would know the difference, he thought, but decided against it. Peter was the kind of person who always played by the rules, even if he thought the rules were stupid. In this case, why did they need two people to work at night when there wasn’t enough work for even one person? The solar system was in no imminent danger, and the last time the International Association for Space Exploration had sent anything of value into space was nearly six years ago.

Peter picked up a piece of paper that had fallen on the ground. It was an old memo talking about the decommissioning of one of the satellites around Venus. Peter crumpled it up and threw it at Andrew. The paper ball missed Andrew by only a few inches, and Peter was momentarily disappointed. He resented Andrew, but never made it obvious. Andrew was the perfect example of what was wrong in the world. He was lazy and made no effort to better himself in anything he did. He came to work, sure, but most of the time he showed up late and spent his time there asleep. Andrew isn’t the only one, either, Peter thought. In fact, most of the employees at the IASE were the same as Andrew. The whole world was, for that matter.

It seemed that since the creation of the World Union in 2034, people had turned into half-sleeping, day-walking zombies. Complacency was rampant. The competitive drive that had once existed was gone. It was almost as if no one could ever strive to be better anything than others, because people were supposed to be “equal”. Yeah, the world was peaceful and poverty, hunger, and crime were at record lows, but no one had any ambition. Technological growth had stagnated, because really? What was the point? Life was good, so there was no need to make it any better. At least, that seemed to be the general mindset.

Peter was extremely frustrated by all of this and seeing Andrew sleeping so casually at work didn’t help. He occasionally found himself silently hoping that war would erupt somewhere, anywhere, because things had gotten so terribly boring. Of course, he always thought shamefully of himself soon after these thoughts occurred to him, but he couldn’t help it. He felt useless, and there was really nothing he could personally do to make the world any more exciting.

When Peter first got his job at the IASE, everything was seemingly perfect. It was his dream job, and at the time, business was booming. The IASE had just been created and the desire to explore space was huge among the public. At the time, everyone thought “Now that war is a thing of the past, we can focus our resources on space adventurism.” And that’s what Peter had wanted, had dreamed for, his entire life. “Space Adventurism.” Peter was always hoping for an opportunity to explore the outer regions of the solar system, and perhaps beyond. It looked like he would get his chance when space propulsion technology made significant leaps shortly after the IASE came into existence. Everything went well, and only a week after the IASE’s first birthday, man had walked on Mars. Another six months and the first commercial flight to Mars launched, landed, and returned to Earth, without issue.

Peter longed for that trip. It would be his first proverbial step in the journey that was space exploration. He wanted to climb to the top of Olympus Mons and marvel at the vastness of it all. Unfortunately, due to his rigorous work schedule overseeing the beginnings of commercial Martian flight, he was unable to go in any of the first and only months that the flights occurred. Unfortunately, people weren’t too impressed with the surface of Mars. They didn’t appreciate it the way Peter surely would have. The market for space exploration simply wasn’t there, the stocks fell, and the market collapsed. Peter was furious that he missed what would probably be his only chance. It still stung when he thought about it fourteen years later. Now, Peter was just a custodian of forgotten dreams and broken promises, and there was nothing short of a miracle that could change it.


Poll: Which would you be more likely to continue reading?

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Your vote: Which would you be more likely to continue reading?

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On my way...
v1dom
Profile Joined August 2010
159 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-21 23:17:48
October 21 2011 23:14 GMT
#2
Reads well. Yes I want to read more.

"It is my deepest fear that they will never forgive us for the thing that we have done."

I would suggest changing this to read "what we have done." "The thing that we have done" is an ear-full, distracting and seems like you're trying to be intentionally nebulous, instead of mysterious. It's a simple change that makes a lot of difference in reading.

Kudos on writing, or attempting to write a novel. I tried this once (fantasy), got about 200 pages in and gave up. It's such a big undertaking that most can't even comprehend. I wish you luck!
elevengaming / 4Kings - retired
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
October 21 2011 23:18 GMT
#3
Thanks for the insight, and you are totally right. Changing that right now.

Also, this isn't the first time I've started such a project. When I was about 13 I finished a fantasy novel (ala LotR style) that was about 800 pages (paperback) but it was such a piece of shit that I never did anything with it. My writing back then was just terrible.

Nine years later, having read probably a thousand more books, I think my writing has finally caught up.
On my way...
Talin
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
Montenegro10532 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-21 23:26:30
October 21 2011 23:24 GMT
#4
On October 22 2011 08:08 ryanAnger wrote:
-After having read this are you motivated to find out more?
-Do you feel like it is too ambiguous, or is it just the right amount of not knowing what's happening?


It's way too ambiguous for my taste. It's like a personal introspection that can apply to almost anything, and it doesn't have anything particularly interesting or intriguing that's being said that makes me want to find out what it's really about. It also feels like that whole train of thought is dragging on forever.

When I was trying to write fiction (which was years ago), I kept falling into a similar kind of trap. It's so much easier to just write down a stream of thoughts and emotions a character has than fleshing it out and telling an actual story in a physical world. And then I re-read what I wrote, compared it to the beginnings of any work of fiction that captivated me instantly, and realized my stuff is just... bland.

This is kinda the same thing - from that prologue I don't know anything about anything, except that some guy is thinking about some rather generic stuff.

English is neither my native language nor am I a very good critic either way, so it's really difficult for me to point out the specifics in a coherent way, but that's my 2 cents.
Kon-Tiki
Profile Joined February 2011
United States402 Posts
October 21 2011 23:25 GMT
#5
Haha it kinda feels like the beginning of a film noir detective type of story, but the plot sounds a lot more like GLaDoS is the narrator haha. Good stuff so far, keep up the good work!!
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-21 23:30:15
October 21 2011 23:27 GMT
#6
On October 22 2011 08:24 Talin wrote:
Show nested quote +
On October 22 2011 08:08 ryanAnger wrote:
-After having read this are you motivated to find out more?
-Do you feel like it is too ambiguous, or is it just the right amount of not knowing what's happening?


It's way too ambiguous for my taste. It's like a personal introspection that can apply to almost anything, and it doesn't have anything particularly interesting or intriguing that's being said that makes me want to find out what it's really about. It also feels like that whole train of thought is dragging on forever.

When I was trying to write fiction (which was years ago), I kept falling into a similar kind of trap. It's so much easier to just write down a stream of thoughts and emotions a character has than fleshing it out and telling an actual story in a physical world. And then I re-read it, compared it to the beginnings of any work of fiction that captivated me instantly, and realized it's just... bland.

This is kinda the same thing - from that prologue I don't know anything about anything, except that some guy is thinking about some rather generic stuff.

English is neither my native language nor am I a very good critic either way, so it's really difficult for me to point out the specifics in a coherent way, but that's my 2 cents.


I understand, and I've received the critique before. It should be noted that this particularly "entry" is one from the personal journal of a major character. The remainder of the book will be more "standard". I just wanted to use this idea for introspection, as you say, as a prologue to introduce some of the concepts that will be found throughout the book.

+ Show Spoiler +
Also, I don't want it to be painfully obvious that the speaker is of an alien species, talking about the humans, but I feel like the point is moot, especially if it would be marketed as sci-fi. Would it be better if it were made obvious (say, in the footnote) that it was an alien talking?
On my way...
divito
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1213 Posts
October 21 2011 23:34 GMT
#7
I have to echo what Talin said; personally, a little too vague, or ambiguous, as you put it. I'm probably a fairly picky person when it comes to what kind of writing style motivates me to keep reading and honestly, it doesn't do much for me when there isn't a lot of specificity.

It's like a generic monologue of something (and as I refresh, it's from the personal journal of a character, so makes sense), but where is the purpose and where is it going? On its face, it just doesn't quite take the reader anywhere and that's understandable given the circumstance.

I'm sure things will be a little more appropriate and clear once more of the writing is done for us to see. Novels are a hard thing to write and stay with, so I wish you good luck.
Skype: divito7
plated.rawr
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Norway1676 Posts
October 21 2011 23:50 GMT
#8
I'll mirror what Talin said. While well written, it feels rather generic, and it doesn't really motivate me to dig into what's happened. The first chapter, or even the first sentence, are incredibly important in capturing the interest of a reader, so opening with a slightly cryptic and not very enticing monologue isn't what I'd go for.

When reading it, I pretty much glazed over the last three blocks of text and jumped to the ending paragraph. What I read didn't strike me as particularly interesting or exciting, so I allowed myself to skip to the end instinctively.

I feel this sort of text would work as context fleshing in a non-linear, interactive type of storytelling, such as a memo in a point-and-click game or an RPG, but in a linear presented piece such as a book, it doesn't stand well enough on its own. I think it'd serve as false advertisement more than anything as well, if the rest of the book would be written in a different (less monologue-based) way.

Keep the text though, but write it into a more convesional way. For instance, cut it into segments of texts or paragraphs, and have a character read it. Present it to the reader bit by bit inside of other happenings. Maybe even turn it around, put the focus from someone connected to the protagonist.
Savior broke my heart ;_; || twitch.tv/onnings
Talin
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
Montenegro10532 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-22 00:08:26
October 22 2011 00:06 GMT
#9
On October 22 2011 08:27 ryanAnger wrote:
Show nested quote +
On October 22 2011 08:24 Talin wrote:
On October 22 2011 08:08 ryanAnger wrote:
-After having read this are you motivated to find out more?
-Do you feel like it is too ambiguous, or is it just the right amount of not knowing what's happening?


It's way too ambiguous for my taste. It's like a personal introspection that can apply to almost anything, and it doesn't have anything particularly interesting or intriguing that's being said that makes me want to find out what it's really about. It also feels like that whole train of thought is dragging on forever.

When I was trying to write fiction (which was years ago), I kept falling into a similar kind of trap. It's so much easier to just write down a stream of thoughts and emotions a character has than fleshing it out and telling an actual story in a physical world. And then I re-read it, compared it to the beginnings of any work of fiction that captivated me instantly, and realized it's just... bland.

This is kinda the same thing - from that prologue I don't know anything about anything, except that some guy is thinking about some rather generic stuff.

English is neither my native language nor am I a very good critic either way, so it's really difficult for me to point out the specifics in a coherent way, but that's my 2 cents.


I understand, and I've received the critique before. It should be noted that this particularly "entry" is one from the personal journal of a major character. The remainder of the book will be more "standard". I just wanted to use this idea for introspection, as you say, as a prologue to introduce some of the concepts that will be found throughout the book.

+ Show Spoiler +
Also, I don't want it to be painfully obvious that the speaker is of an alien species, talking about the humans, but I feel like the point is moot, especially if it would be marketed as sci-fi. Would it be better if it were made obvious (say, in the footnote) that it was an alien talking?


In that case, what I'm missing is more of a personal touch of the character, especially if this is a major character that you want people to connect with. The impression I get is that the character is simply an "interface" between the reader and events he's describing in ambiguous terms. He sounds more like a prologue narrator, not somebody who has a personality and is important to the story.

Typically, reading from someone's journal tells you a lot about that person. It's also more common to write about more direct personal experiences and personal emotions, rather than giving a philosophical overview of the large-scale events. There's a lot of emotion thrown into that text that doesn't strike a chord with the reader simply because we don't know what he's talking about and it's hard to identify with what's being said and appreciate the character's overview of things.

+ Show Spoiler +
I can't imagine it would change much. Actually I think I prefer it this way - it never occurred to me to consider what species he might belong to, which I think is a very good thing. I like the fact that there are no exotic names and places thrown into the story right away, so I'd definitely keep it ambiguous in that sense
CutieBK
Profile Blog Joined May 2011
Sweden227 Posts
October 22 2011 00:22 GMT
#10
I think this is really good, man. I'm not an expert or anything, but your rhythm and choice of words really struck a chord with me. I'd definitely want to read more of this, the last few lines especially got me hooked!

Despite what some people said, I think that a first person, introspective prologue is a fantastic way to set the mood and present some of the themes you want to focus on in a book. Your take on an outsiders perspective on human emotions/culture which he/she/it doesn't share is really interesting.

Will you keep writing in the first person for the remainder of the story?
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-22 00:45:01
October 22 2011 00:41 GMT
#11
On October 22 2011 09:22 CutieBK wrote:
I think this is really good, man. I'm not an expert or anything, but your rhythm and choice of words really struck a chord with me. I'd definitely want to read more of this, the last few lines especially got me hooked!

Despite what some people said, I think that a first person, introspective prologue is a fantastic way to set the mood and present some of the themes you want to focus on in a book. Your take on an outsiders perspective on human emotions/culture which he/she/it doesn't share is really interesting.

Will you keep writing in the first person for the remainder of the story?


There will definitely be some chapters like it. A lot of my inspiration comes from Orson Scott Card and Isaac Asimov, if you are familiar with either of those authors' work. I'm also a huge fan of the Game of Thrones series, so the whole concept of multiple perspectives (different characters, and written tone, even) is very appealing to me. This won't be your standard "one person, one plot, one perspective" book.

In fact, one of the "characters" I'd be giving some chapters too would be Mimir, the (as-yet-unknown) supercomputer that observes and calculates from a distance. His origins would be completely unknown.
On my way...
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
October 22 2011 01:42 GMT
#12
I've updated it to have a more personal feel. The changes are subtle, but I feel like they add much of the personal emotion that was missing. Check the link to see the updated copy.

Thoughts?
On my way...
Kon-Tiki
Profile Joined February 2011
United States402 Posts
October 22 2011 01:51 GMT
#13
It occurred to me how strange it is that a member of a society without a word for trust is writing about trust. I don't know that it is appropriate for them to not have a word for it, although it might be little-used and completely taken for granted.

But maybe it's important. You're the author :D

P.S. The new version is much improved.
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
October 22 2011 02:01 GMT
#14
One of the major things about this species is that are very practical, and efficient, so words that have little value in relevant conversation don't exist. When he says trust, he actually pronounces the human word for it. He obviously knows the concept but he's never needed to apply a word to it.

He'd never say "I trust you" in his society, because its a given, and he'd never say "I dont trust you" because its near impossible for his species to not trust each other for psychological and evolutionary reasons. Its really complex.
On my way...
Kon-Tiki
Profile Joined February 2011
United States402 Posts
October 22 2011 02:09 GMT
#15
You know, now that you say that it makes sense in relation to the style of writing you've written him in. There was once (maybe) that you forgot to "" the word trust but otherwise it makes a certain amount of sense, although I feel like I'd have to read more. Which is, of course, the point :D
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
October 22 2011 02:14 GMT
#16
On October 22 2011 11:09 Kon-Tiki wrote:
You know, now that you say that it makes sense in relation to the style of writing you've written him in. There was once (maybe) that you forgot to "" the word trust but otherwise it makes a certain amount of sense, although I feel like I'd have to read more. Which is, of course, the point :D


Haha yeah, its really one of those stories that opens with a lot of questions. The goal here was not to confound the reader, but to encourage them to find the answer to those questions by reading more.

I guess its one of the hard parts about asking if the prologue in and of itself is intriguing enough to continue reading. I want to make sure I have a strong beginning.
On my way...
Kon-Tiki
Profile Joined February 2011
United States402 Posts
October 22 2011 02:28 GMT
#17
I think you might want to say that whole part about the practicality and efficiency straight up. That might help a bit, it sure helped me
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
Geovu
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Estonia1344 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-22 15:30:04
October 22 2011 15:29 GMT
#18
I just read it.

It's definitely way too vague to mean anything. Sure, it's a prologue (Don't ppl usually skip over those? lol) and also a journal entry, but it doesn't really say anything solid besides the fact that some messenger got killed and that it was a recording in a super computer. It says absolutely nothing about who wrote it, when it was wrote or what time period this takes place in. It doesn't even say if the journal writer is human, humanoid, or anything like that either (PS if they are aliens plz don't make them blue that's a terrible idea). If you clarified what kind of betrayal took place (Is it an uprising/rebellion? Murder? A theft that got out of hand?) then I think it would help a lot into make your reader want to continue. There's just no incentive to read that because there's nothing at stake that the reader is aware of. For example, if you made it clear that the journal writer's friend got murdered and the perpetrator took something of great value from him (Money, an heirloom, deathstar plans, etc) then that would be something I'd look forward to reading. At the moment there's just not enough solid 'facts'.

In fact, if you took out the footnote, I can easily imagine the writer of the journal entry being a Renaissance noble in a top hat + monocle writing this in his private bedchambers of his castle by candlelight, mildly annoyed at the way his relations with other counties are going (It's actually way cooler if you imagine it like that).

Maybe I'm missing something as I am quite awful at reading novels, but that is just my opinion.
ryanAnger
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
United States838 Posts
October 22 2011 19:42 GMT
#19
On October 23 2011 00:29 Geovu wrote:
I just read it.

It's definitely way too vague to mean anything. Sure, it's a prologue (Don't ppl usually skip over those? lol) and also a journal entry, but it doesn't really say anything solid besides the fact that some messenger got killed and that it was a recording in a super computer. It says absolutely nothing about who wrote it, when it was wrote or what time period this takes place in. It doesn't even say if the journal writer is human, humanoid, or anything like that either (PS if they are aliens plz don't make them blue that's a terrible idea). If you clarified what kind of betrayal took place (Is it an uprising/rebellion? Murder? A theft that got out of hand?) then I think it would help a lot into make your reader want to continue. There's just no incentive to read that because there's nothing at stake that the reader is aware of. For example, if you made it clear that the journal writer's friend got murdered and the perpetrator took something of great value from him (Money, an heirloom, deathstar plans, etc) then that would be something I'd look forward to reading. At the moment there's just not enough solid 'facts'.

In fact, if you took out the footnote, I can easily imagine the writer of the journal entry being a Renaissance noble in a top hat + monocle writing this in his private bedchambers of his castle by candlelight, mildly annoyed at the way his relations with other counties are going (It's actually way cooler if you imagine it like that).

Maybe I'm missing something as I am quite awful at reading novels, but that is just my opinion.


I think you're missing the point. What's important about the prologue here are the philosophical ideas explored. There's a little bit of depth, that people are failing to get into. I guess I should have expected it. People today are interested in Michael Bay, not Stanley Kubrick.
On my way...
A3iL3r0n
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
United States2196 Posts
October 22 2011 21:09 GMT
#20
The primary problem is that there is no action. Most of it is "telling" instead of "showing". All of the information contained in this draft is good for you, the writer, to keep in mind, but readers want action. The information you're telling us in this draft should be dispersed throughout the piece rather than delivered as a block.
My psychiatrist says I have deep-seated Ragneuroses :(
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