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Roffles
Pitcairn19291 Posts
Do you ever get this thought that you're putting too much thought into everything you do, everything you say? I say this because I feel anxious, worried about the repercussions of every action I take. When someone asks me a question, I usually digest it and immediately think about what I want to say. Then instead of blurting it out, I stop to take an extra second and brainstorm what could happen if I were to say it.
Everyday, I feel more and more risk averse and more pessimistic about myself in general. The constant fear, the constant worry is plaguing me, and it's starting to get into my head. I'd typically classify myself as a very calm person, with not much worry about anything. Nowadays, I feel really fucking paranoid and scared of anything I do, anything I say.
Every time I've stepped into a room with an interviewer this year, I've pretty much broken down when they've asked me questions. I seem to have the ability to make even the easiest questions into difficult questions. Instead of freely chatting, I think too much about how the interviewer can interpret my answer in a negative way, which leads to me stuttering quite a bit and confused as to what I should say. It carries over into daily life too, where I don't even have the confidence to say what I'd normally say because I'm afraid of something. I don't know what's wrong. I just feel worried, anxious, stressed, scared.
The same time last year, I was having no problems with any of this. I walked into each interview and gave it my best and usually walked out very content with how I did. I had no problems talking with people because I wasn't worried or scared. I could be myself and feel good about it. Nowadays, I even have problems talking to my roommates that I've known for years because I want to say certain things, but I'm afraid of ruining certain dynamics or whatever bullshit I keep telling myself.
Anyone experience anything similar before? How do I get myself out of this conundrum?
  
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
Nothing matters.
"Why did you do that man....?"
"...?...Because why the FUCK not."
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I'm the same way. It's actually probably causing me to be depressed.
But I think that one of my biggest problems is that I never actually think about what I'm going to say before a conversation starts and I never ask for feedback from people I know. So I really have no confidence that I'm learning anything or that I have a solid answer. I'd probably have just that little bit more I would need if I would just rehearse things days before I do them.
I am in a similar boat as you, I was actually just about to blog about it but, lo and behold, I thought too much about what I was saying and refreshed the blogs and bam, here this is. So I guess it isn't all bad. Still, I haven't had the chance to work on this so I don't know if what I'm saying is even helpful.
So all I can say is that you aren't alone, but I, unfortunately, can't provide a solid answer.
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I have the opposite problem. I just flow, and even if it sounds retarded, I go with it.
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I find that I think about things too much after they happen, rather than before, thinking about all the different things I could have said and their outcomes, and the result of those outcomes.
But really its just outside stress yo, permeates into every facet of your life, makes everything harder. Whats on your mind roffles?
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I completely agree with you. Here's an example:
I was playing a game of Starcraft II a while ago. It was a small tournament and my match wasn't coming up for a while but still I spent the entire half hour before my game planning. My choice of action was very simple: cannon rush. Yet it took me half an hour going over all the pros and cons, weighing my chances, prodding the outcome, and wondering if I was making a mistake.
Finally it was time for my match, I cannon rushed, and I defeated my opponent (who happened to ling rush me as well). It really made me feel like all of my planning was for nothing because I could've just stopped at my gut instinct.
But yes, you over-analyze things. I do it myself as well. Anything that I take in, be it words, visuals, sounds... I'm always thinking ten steps ahead on what's going to happen. Because of this I've developed a fear of things such as flying, riding in cars with other people, etc. I don't think it's generally a bad thing to think too much on something... but it does have some bad moments. Planes, for example... I'm not afraid of flying. In fact I find it to be quite enjoyable. Here's where the problem kicks in: control.
I'm not the pilot. I have zero control over the plane. Normally this wouldn't matter... but since I'm always putting too much thought into everything my mind is already on scenarios where the plane is crashing. See, if I'm driving this doesn't bother me. I see a car in front of me and I immediately start to plan out my course of actions should the driver slam on the breaks, swerve into my lane, randomly explode, drivers starts shooting at me... etc. And it's fine because I'm in control and I know exactly how I would react to any of those situations which actually makes me feel better. In the case of the plane there's nothing I could do so it freaks me out and unfortunately I can't seem to convince myself not to analyze everything.
I'm pretty open online but I break down in face to face conversations. I guess it's because I have time when talking online to analyze the situation a bit before responding. In real life I don't get that pause so I'm trying to talk about the present while thinking about the future and it doesn't work out.
I really don't know what you can do to get over it, though. Yeah... it stresses me out and causes me to worry a lot but I guess it hasn't bothered me enough to really care just yet. I've just gotten used to it I suppose.
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just take a shot before you go into the interview, it works wonders
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On October 21 2011 14:19 Endymion wrote:
just take a shot before you go into the interview, it works wonders
unless you're asian like me and get the dreaded "glow"
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On October 21 2011 14:22 Miss_Cleo wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2011 14:19 Endymion wrote:
just take a shot before you go into the interview, it works wonders unless you're asian like me and get the dreaded "glow"
I thought you were black? Or Jamaican or something. You have a really good makeup artist if you're asian, though. I can't even tell in any of your commercials.
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infinity21
Canada6683 Posts
Do your thinking after the interview. It's like getting better at sc. Pick a plan and go with it in the game regardless of what might happen. After the game, analyze what went wrong and how you can improve yourself. Look at what you did right and how you can do it even better next time. Interviews will keep coming, and as long as you do better than the last, you'll find a job.
On October 21 2011 14:19 Endymion wrote:
just take a shot before you go into the interview, it works wonders
I strongly disagree with this unless you know 100% that you will not be asked any technical questions.
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Yeah something similar for me. I dont worry at the time before, but afterwards I start wondering if I phrased it right, or how it could be misunderstood(negatively). Then next time I get a bit more cautious and usually just shut up unless its important.
I dont know the solution other than adopting a different mentality (easier said than done). Also it helps to keep busy/engaged so your mind doesnt wander on pointless things. That said, if your worrying is justified (eg terrible interview, communication skills maybe working on those skills could boost your confidence.
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Well, sometimes the brain is just a bit broken and not working correctly, like in puberty or depression, and thinking logically does not change anything about what situations the brain decides to classify as worthy to be anxious about. Try comparing your typical days last year, when you were fine, to this year. When searching for a probable cause, the difference does not have to make sense. Perhaps it is something that sounds stupid, like different food or different sleeping schedule or sports.
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On October 21 2011 14:23 Serejai wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2011 14:22 Miss_Cleo wrote:On October 21 2011 14:19 Endymion wrote:
just take a shot before you go into the interview, it works wonders unless you're asian like me and get the dreaded "glow" I thought you were black? Or Jamaican or something. You have a really good makeup artist if you're asian, though. I can't even tell in any of your commercials.
wait, is that kelly milkis?
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On October 21 2011 14:25 Endymion wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2011 14:23 Serejai wrote:On October 21 2011 14:22 Miss_Cleo wrote:On October 21 2011 14:19 Endymion wrote:
just take a shot before you go into the interview, it works wonders unless you're asian like me and get the dreaded "glow" I thought you were black? Or Jamaican or something. You have a really good makeup artist if you're asian, though. I can't even tell in any of your commercials. wait, is that kelly milkis?
No, Milkis does the GSL casts. Miss Cleo is a psychic.
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infinity21
Canada6683 Posts
And it's perfectly fine to take a moment before answering a question but being prepared for common questions helps tremendously. Before going into the interview, have a game plan. You've read the job description -- what's your angle? How are you going to sell yourself? How do your strengths and weaknesses match up with the job? Should you brush up on something before the interview? Have a list of questions to ask the interviewer. This is massively important!!!11!
Don't think too much about what if I say this and that. Just answer the question honestly and if it made you look like an idiot, try to recover as best you can at the interview and don't say it next time. It's as simple as that.
I was actually told in an interview today that I don't seem introverted. That's a huge compliment for me since I used to choke a lot in interviews but being prepared and having some interview experience got me relaxed and I was able to bring my A-game.
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interesting post. I have the same problem. Especially with small talk - I think about something to say, then realize it's completely meaningless to say it. So I try to think of something else, and that takes a little while then it gets to a period of some awkward silence.
It impresses me how some people can just take part in any conversation and say something either not stupid or witty or really insightful almost immediately - one of the guys that impresses me the most is Day9. I honestly can't do that... and if I try my best it doesn't usually sound as good as i'd like. Still, I'm a pretty shy guy so I guess being a good talker comes with practice.
Also, it got me thinking that in most social situations, most people don't care what you say. They just care that you have something to say. Maybe people don't think you're confident enough, not speaking the truth, or they're impatient, or they just get bored.
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Have confidence in your answers through adopting a sound philosophy of life that will make you and those around you happier. Have confidence that your actions will speak to this philosophy by developing your character. And finally, speak candidly with friends and people you trust about your concerns, so that intelligent people can weigh in on the weight of your actions.
Your philosophy is the thinking you have done before you act, so that when you act, your actions will speak true.
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Yes, actually.
I've been doing it since the end of grade school, but the motivation is different. I don't do it out of fear, but rather so I can get the answer and relationship I want with the person.
After awhile, you go through the process fast enough to not even take that extra second. Essentially you just ask "why would they say or ask this" and then you give the appropriate answer based on that analysis. If you figure out the why, the wording becomes a lot more open because you know which word-path to take and thus can feel more comfortable with your words and not fear misinterpretation.
This will further engage conversations, keep the focus on the person, etc. etc. I think Dale Carnegie loosely advises the same thing, but in an overall manner. You gain a lot of acquaintances and friends by maintaining the interest on them rather than yourself.
It sounds like you're insecure in your ability to articulate rather than your power to analyze things properly and assess a situation as you should.
edit: adding more.
Right, so my first question to you was there a time between before and now that betrayed your trust or a situation that blew up in your face despite your good intentions? If not, it just sounds you're more worried about the outcome of situations and your life rather than paying attention to the interview and breaking down the moment so you can easily ingest. Are you worried at all about your future (more than you'd usually be)? Do you fear not getting a job or ending up being financially in a pickle (we all worry about it, but when it seems more imminent or approaching, this could cloud your thoughts and cause you to subconsciously fail)?
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Roffles
Pitcairn19291 Posts
On October 21 2011 14:47 Torte de Lini wrote:
Yes, actually.
I've been doing it since the end of grade school, but the motivation is different. I don't do it out of fear, but rather so I can get the answer and relationship I want with the person.
After awhile, you go through the process fast enough to not even take that extra second. Essentially you just ask "why would they say or ask this" and then you give the appropriate answer based on that analysis. If you figure out the why, the wording becomes a lot more open because you know which word-path to take and thus can feel more comfortable with your words and not fear misinterpretation.
This will further engage conversations, keep the focus on the person, etc. etc. I think Dale Carnegie loosely advises the same thing, but in an overall manner. You gain a lot of acquaintances and friends by maintaining the interest on them rather than yourself.
It sounds like you're insecure in your ability to articulate rather than your power to analyze things properly and assess a situation as you should. How do you usually feel about yourself in front of others? Do you find yourself to be a rather suave and normal guy or do you fold under pressure and generally socially inhibited?
It seems like you haven't read the post at all, as I tell you I normally had no problems communicating before just recently.
I'm fine when it comes to articulation. I just have doubts before I even speak because I have these filters that trigger telling me, "Man, that's a stupid thing to say" or "You know, that's not something you should say". So I eventually settle with a really conservative approach or stumble because I can't think of something else to say on the spot.
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Yeah, I just edited it, my bad (When I speed-read, I go by Bill Cosby's way of reading. With problems, I read the core issue than spiral from the inside out to the surrounding variables or situation).
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Roffles
Pitcairn19291 Posts
On October 21 2011 14:47 Torte de Lini wrote:
If not, it just sounds you're more worried about the outcome of situations and your life rather than paying attention to the interview and breaking down the moment so you can easily ingest. Are you worried at all about your future (more than you'd usually be)? Do you fear not getting a job or ending up being financially in a pickle (we all worry about it, but when it seems more imminent or approaching, this could cloud your thoughts and cause you to subconsciously fail)?
Pretty much sums up what I'm going through. I think I worry too much about the future instead of focusing on the present. The thinking is held too far down the line instead of just focused on today's train of thought.
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infinity21
Canada6683 Posts
Learn and move on. I think it boils down to that.
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Don't be hesitant to talk to yourself. In fact, that's what I would suggest. Talk to yourself in the morning or day of the interview or social event. You don't really have to be optimistic or pat yourself on the back, just practice talking, narrate what you are doing or a plan through your head, what you think he'll say, etc. Something loose and nothing concrete or to rely on. Talking keeps your mind out in the open and keeps your head a bit higher because you aren't alone. You know you're talking to yourself, but talk to yourself like it's a conversation (I did it for 3 years, my father used to make me read this motivational paper twice a day that was essentially a list of positive adjectives and that I love myself, rofl. I still remember bits of it and it didn't do anything then, but he made me read it with empowerment and voice, strength and it kind of changed who I am now).
When you're in the review, my two main points I would suggest sitting on is A: It's a conversation, keep it as such and B. Reflect. Don't finish his sentences, but when answering, justify it with something he can confirm like sentence-finishers such as: "Those are sort of things you'd be looking for in an employee anyways, right?"
I'm not interview wizard and if that isn't you, don't do it. But just keep it laxed, comfortable and casually friendly. They are good ways to keep the tone of the interview light and between two conversationalists rather than in-between two people (tension).
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Conclusion: bla bla bla if you go in think you'll fail, you'll fail bla bla bla you already know this, doesn't hurt to mention it anyways :B
More opportunities will arrive, there's no true countdown to doomsday, so don't fret about interviews or social gatherings.
Hope this helps or at least tells you something not try rofl
(oh and ask why he asks a question, a simple one-liner to answer that why and you'll find what to say super ez)
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On October 21 2011 14:51 Torte de Lini wrote:
Yeah, I just edited it, my bad (When I speed-read, I go by Bill Cosby's way of reading. With problems, I read the core issue than spiral from the inside out to the surrounding variables or situation).
You approach life the right way my friend.
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Not with that atrocious typo "than"
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Yeah I used to do this all the time. It was with many things though, not just interviews. A few months ago I got into running and it hasn't happened since. I would recommend trying to clear your head by not thinking about such things and distract yourself with something like a movie.
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On October 21 2011 14:10 RageOverdose wrote:
I'm the same way. It's actually probably causing me to be depressed.
But I think that one of my biggest problems is that I never actually think about what I'm going to say before a conversation starts and I never ask for feedback from people I know. So I really have no confidence that I'm learning anything or that I have a solid answer. I'd probably have just that little bit more I would need if I would just rehearse things days before I do them.
I am in a similar boat as you, I was actually just about to blog about it but, lo and behold, I thought too much about what I was saying and refreshed the blogs and bam, here this is. So I guess it isn't all bad. Still, I haven't had the chance to work on this so I don't know if what I'm saying is even helpful.
So all I can say is that you aren't alone, but I, unfortunately, can't provide a solid answer.
Dude I'm the EXACT same. Well, not really.
I've been depressed this past month, because of me overthinking everything, but I've always overthought things, and I think this depression might just be coincidence.
Kinda different from you though, I always overthink conversations before I actually get into them, and that totally screws with me because I get so high strung before anything's even happened. -.-
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
>Roffles.
This is an EXCELLENT trait to have in business, because you prevent yourself from seriously screwing yourself spontaneously
As for your interview woes, I think you need to prepare more thoroughly beforehand. I had many interviews last year, and for 80%+ of the questions, I already knew the general idea of what I was going to say, because I had already come up with a comprehensive Q&A list. Politicians are excellent at this, and twist any question response into an answer they've already prepared.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
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The way you describe it, I think I do it. And I have found a solution for it.
It is not the way thedeadhaji describes it. Thinking thoroughly about things is one thing - but what you are describing is anxiety inducing, and leads to negative experiences.
It can often be a complete hindrance to what you want to do.
This is going to sound kind of fluffy, and I never bought into this kind of stuff until I tried it. The solution I have found is to just think positive, and more importantly: don't think negative. It is the negative thinking that causes the anxiety, which causes the ill-fated execution of your interview, which causes more negative thinking. It is a bad cycle. I'll explain my context and go into more detail:
It started for me just a year ago. In law school we are assigned to be the discussant for a class, and the discussant gets randomly asked questions about the relevant cases all class. I used to sit there and think, think, think. I would be thinking about every possible answer I would have to give. The problem is that I would get anxious as if I didn't know it. At the time I didn't know I was anxious (because I wasn't used to the feeling), but now looking back the anxeity was there and when it finally came time to answer the questions, my mind would be in 10 spots at once. What exactly is she looking for? Should I be relating these cases to one another? Hm, I wonder if I interpreted this correctly. Am I taking too long? Etc. etc. etc. The question would come and I would end up with what I can only describe as a clouded mind that would get cloudier the more I think. I would get the question, maybe sort of right, and then I would get more and more anxious until by the half-way point in class I couldn't really think straight and couldn't answer even trivial questions I knew so well beforehand...I was just stuck thinking, thinking, thinking.
So the next time I was discussant I would read extra, go to class, think think think. Same thing: I'd be thinking about all the things she might ask that I wouldn't know...and then I'd try to learn them as the discussion continued.... the problem was exacerbated because all my recent recollections of having to be discussant were negative. I would think about the previous negative experiences and take that with me into class, and the cycle continued.
So I did a whole bunch of googling, tried for months to figure out what was wrong with me, went to the doctor thinking I had breathing or circulation problems (which I don't)... I just couldn't do it. I figured I had a breathing problem, leading me to think improperly: but in reality it was just the anxiety causing me to feel short of breath. Eventually I got around to reading about "social anxiety". I read a TON on "social anxiety", which is I think what you describe. All the solutions that I have read are that you just need to think positive. Its that simple. What you want to do is bring as many positive experiences into your daily interactions as possible, and you just plain stop thinking about all of these negative consequences. Doing self-affirmations is key.
It just so happened that my discovery of social anxiety as my problem coincided with me doing the Brian Tracy Phoenix Seminar (which I swear by) that claims, to be successful at life, just to think positive about everything. When you catch yourself thinking negative...do whatever techniques you need to think positive. Self affirmations are a big part of this. Another is trying to bring as many positive experiences into your interviews, or whatever else, that you can.
But what if you don't have positive experiences to bring in? Or if your positive experiences are in the distant past?
Ever since we are little, we are told to visualize and imagine what we want to achieve. If you want to hit a home run, close your eyes and imagine yourself hitting that home run. If you want to be a great hockey player, close your eyes and imagine yourself doing the things that make you a great hockey player. Embrace the emotions of how great it feels to do these things. The effect of doing this, is that you essentially have the experience, without having to actually do it. You can then bring this positive experience with you when you actually get into the batting box, or into your interview.
I had botched 6 or 7 discussant classes in a row. I finally did this. I did self affirmations, thought positive, visualized myself only doing things correctly, and went in feeling great. I had essentially tricked myself into feeling phenominal. I got asked a question...BAM i fuckin nailed it. Then it just started picking up momentum. I was answering questions that everyone else in the class was getting wrong - eloquently and accurately.
It comes down to lacking confidence, for whatever reason. It just sort of creeps up slowly as all these bad experiences cloud our perceptions, and force us to over think. I never thought I had any reason to lose confidence, but I guess at some point it happened. Once you diagnose it, its sooooo easy to fix just with positive thinking.
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Well, interviews are often problematic, but it's just a matter of practice. I've gone through maybe 20-30 interviews in the last 10 years and after 10 or so i'm not nervous anymore and answer most questions freely because i've answered them before multiple times.
However, i can feel with you on the part of where the fear of saying something wrong influences your life. I'm a perfectionist, i don't want to get caught saying something that is not "perfect", so i usually end up not saying anything at all.
I even tried casting SC2 to learn to just say what is on my mind and talk more freely but i failed horribly and ended up deleting the channel after publishing more than 100 videos.
All i can recommend as someone who failed to get past it is:
Try to get into a mindset of "Well, who cares, i'll just say it and if it's wrong, bad or not funny... well, shit happens".
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it's just like after getting drunk and whoring
you just don't want to think about it
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Roffles
Pitcairn19291 Posts
Thanks for all the help guys. I think I've got a better understanding of what I need to attempt to do in order to correct these habits. I'll update if I see any results.
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Actually this blog makes me feel better about my own shyness/awkwardness I don't necessarily overthink things, but I always watch out so I don't say or do anything stupid, and I try to have a sense of humor but I try not to come off as moronic or incompetent in any way. Overthinking in real life is a lot like playing starcraft or chess...because you're looking several steps into the future, you will be indecisive/nervous at this very moment. I can relate to this but I feel like my main problem is that I have a hard time trying to articulate myself at all
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EPT
