Today I wanna update you guys about what's been going on.
Some backstory, I made a few blog posts about my personal situation (drinking, drugs, women) last year from Dec 2010 to Feb 2010, I guess about 8 months ago. I think they had some cool moments in there, so if you have time, read 'em, but I'll summarize:
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=172216 Basically I came to China with my wife for the 2nd time, she left me the week we arrived more or less, I been drinking almost every day and trying hard and failing to replace my wife, the confusion that goes with not knowing or being willing to start a normal relationship at the normal speed, I think I just wanted to get right back to "having someone" and also drinking is my best outlet for all kinds of negative feelings whether anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. Partying more than once a week for sure--drug problem on top of all this. Result is I have every possible feeling for various girls, totally unfocused and most of them really bad options.
Characters: Myself (not Chinese) 9. My Ex Wife (not Chinese) Best Friend (not Chinese) 7. Best Friend's Girl (who is probably a prostitute actually and secretly has a kid who is being raised as if it's her nephew/niece) (Chinese) 2. Near-my-work Creepy Ugly Girl (super lonely girl) (Chinese) 10. Old Looking Kinda Prostitute but Really Strong Feelings Woman (Chinese)
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=177368 Here I focus on what most people responded to, which was the "laundry list" of girls. The point isn't that they like me; most of them don't really, and you can see in some of my replies to this line of thinking that really the point is just how confused I am about who to pursue because I get these real feelings for the wrong girls at the wrong times, it's just not simple how it used to be. I bring this up because I think my situation is equally confusing right now. In fact I feel like this whole "second year" is shadowing the first in some kind of weird way, like it's a seasonal thing.
The numbers refer to those used in this link.
New Characters: 1. Married Girl (who feels like a soulmate I missed the chance on) (Chinese) 3. Cute But Strangely Naive/Inexperienced Workmate (Chinese) 4. 5. 6. Feelings About Three Other Workmates, less significant, old crushes from various times (Chinese) 8. Convenience Store Girl (if I felt seriously interested could get further with this...) (Chinese)
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=194411 The aftermath of the above situation. Basically says I decided against #3 who for the longest time I really felt like was instant OMG marry her now material. And transitioned from #10 to #10's enemy, and then nobody at all cuz now they both hate me, call her #10e, no need to make a character list for this post.
So now? I hit "bottom" after having two birthday parties, in other words going out the night before my birthday (since after midnight would be my birthday), dropping a ton of money, bringing home some Vietnamese (which was great BTW and I think the second time I've ever paid for it--but wouldn't be my last unfortunately), killing bottles at bars, cool right. Next day, do it all again, because now it's really my birthday. Long story short I end up falling asleep at a bar while splitting a bottle with this chick who I think works there. We had a great time just flirting a lot, playing pool (though now she swears she didn't play pool and it must have been someone else). Anyways, I wake up, and she's still there waiting for me, making sure I'm okay. She didn't pour out the rest of my bottle, try to cheat me, or anything. The sun is up now, and she's just sitting there smoking, and she says to me, "you said you just wanted someone to be there when you wake up."
Pretty disgusting to me too now. I ended up being with her for 6 months, and she's ugly and weird but we ended up getting more and more feelings, the sex was great, and she's really super honest and kind, but bottom line I don't want to be with her. I was still lonely when I was with her and was always looking for something "better." I didn't totally cheat on her but probably would have if I had the chance. Good thing I suck at this so bad. Anyways she would hear about me going to other bars drinking making out with and groping other girls and would secretly know and be really mad and crazy and I moved in with her then moved out and now I have some scars on my hands from broken glass related to such events. She still would probably take care of me till the day I die, even though she views me as an alcoholic underachieving drug addict who cheats on her which I guess is pretty accurate.
Been "single" now for a couple months. Woulda thought I could get with that shallow but pretty and young girl I went swimming with and saw movies with a few times, but I mistakenly got drunk and hit on her friend. God I'm such a retard.
Turns out #3 works in another city now, but she visits my city sometimes and one day it finally happened, we got crazy and all but had sex. Turns out she is only years off from 30 and is still a virgin. Everything was super hot and perfect but then she freaked out and I just comforted her and talked about it... so awkward. Virgin and divorcay (sic) is such a mismatch and creepy. But because of my past feelings, my obligations from this situation, and maybe how I really feel when I am with her (I get to see her so infrequently), I feel like she's kind of my #1 priority now, or anyways I need to figure this shit out... In other ways she's a good match for me. She's smart, her English is good, she works hard, she doesn't waste money at all, there's not a big dramatic pressure from her family about marriage. I really enjoy being with her even though in some ways she's just adorable and innocent. But I think my feeling for her is different than a year ago. Does this mean I don't like her or won't "love" her? And aren't I a super horrible asshole person who should stay the hell away from someone so great?...
I stayed away for a while but lately I been hitting these stupid bars again. This girl got really drunk and was mad about her ex or something and I helped her get home. I was a total gentleman, but when she woke up she started touching me and we made out a little, maybe it was going to be something but then her roommate's mom was knocking on the door and she wanted me to sneak out. But since then she's been sending me messages like she really likes me. She probably wants me to save me from her horrible life, or anyways sees me as a nice guy and a rebound guy and all that... she really does look nice, I am attracted to her personality and her body, she's like as sexy as #3 but her face is like #1. But her personality also seems to be trouble. She has a temper, and it seems like she's gunning straight for marriage. It has bad idea written all over it, and I've dodged it as far as I can. I think I'm going to fuck up with her and she's going to kick my ass, maybe kill me. Meanwhile her pull on me is sabotaging what might be real important things e.g. #3...?
New Characters #11 My First Chinese Ex Girlfriend #12 Swim Girl (Chinese) #13 "Improved" Bar Girl (Chinese)
/China
edit: Just wanna put a reminder here for myself, I have forgotten to mention that #1 is still talking to me, #14 fucked me up bad for a few days (no mention who that is, it's uber secret), and something to do with a hospital and how it makes everything even more deliciously uber complicated. Also left out details of what happened to all those other women, who are mostly still around or funny things happened to them.
Is this just normal and I just think too much about this stuff?
On October 03 2011 04:06 drsnuggles wrote: Go for #3 I'd say.
恩
I guess nobody is interested, but for posterity, I spent the greater part of yesterday blowing off #3 and kinda stuck with #13. She called me out to her bar "just to talk and have a few drinks" but once I was there it was all about face for her and her job and I ended up wasting money but I just went along with it knowing this would be the last time I would agree to see her in her bar or believe her phone calls. She was totally ridiculous walking home, but the next day she was really sweet and we just chilled and I told her I don't want to be her boyfriend but she could be a cool friend. She cooked me a bunch of cool food, and she said I was the second man she ever cooked for. We talked a lot. Pretty cool. Meanwhile I was blowing off #3 who was in town just for that day and the next.
But I met up with #3 that night, and after a lot of shy and awkward "foreplay" (in the euphemistic sense) we started making out like we did last time I saw her. She is so hot and she's the only nice girl I know. At first I wasn't really sure about her but now I am def. into her. Slept over at her place, but in the back of my mind I was like, fuck, I lied to her about where I was, kinda stood her up, slept at another girl's place and came directly from there to see her, any girl would be super pissed if they knew that stuff. So I feel like I'm a shithead but I really like this girl. While I was sleeping, at like 3 a.m. #13 called me but I didn't answer.
On October 03 2011 04:56 Ooshmagoosh wrote: You should probably resolve your other problems before you worry about women.
I don't know if it's just a China thing but it seems like every (foreigner) I know here is a raging alcoholic until they start to settle down with a girl.
On October 03 2011 02:33 ChinaLifeXXL wrote: All seems pretty normal to me bro, keep on truckin', nooooooooo problem.
(So maybe this guy wasn't totally joking.)
So anyways Ooshmagoosh, it kinda works backwards from what ur saying. Also Australia or someth. found that single men are way more likely to die an alcohol-related death, like almost 6x more likely, than men in a relationship. So while ur advice would be great to follow, in practice even ppl who aren't able to do what you're saying do well by getting a woman even before they become Mr. Right. Ur thoughts?
On October 04 2011 20:42 Cambium wrote: I'd be careful in China if I were you (which you seem to take caution, which is good).
A lot of girls will assume you are rich because you are white (my interpretation), that, or they will see you as a USA passport.
I always tell girls I'm never going back to the U.S. and I'm not going to marry anyone as quickly as I did my ex wife, which was after knowing her 2 years. Then if they still wanna roll w me then I can evaluate their intentions.
While there are exceptions to the rule, city and generational differences, most women here intend to be married by 25, or, at latest 30. They stay healthy so they can be attractive so they can marry well. The man has to buy a house in their hometown. They show affection to men by doing things that show that they care about your future as a potential husband, like wanting you to have a better job and not hurt your health. They want to show you that they will cook for you, and are usually submissive and boring in bed.
The more flexible ones yeah will do anything and appear to be anything and then get to go to the U.S. (or wherever). A lot of them are not very clever or sneaky about this though... I've known a couple of girls who were just directly like, "I wanna go to the U.S./England/Europe." Like the first time you meet them.
There seem to be slightly different usages of the words because of these pressures, e.g. boyfriend/girlfriend is closer to being engaged and means they will probably marry if they don't break up, so then words like "sex partner" or "lover" or even just "friend" are used for people who are not on this track. You might not even love somebody but find them suitable to be a part of your starting a family, and you can look for love and good sex outside of that, and it's pretty accepted as long as you're respectful about it. I think hookups with married women are probably more what your average guy looking to get laid should be after, actually.
That's just the normal way to live in China. I really don't see what's surprising. Pick the girl you like the most, see if it can work on the long term (since you said you got married for 7 years I assume you're at least 30, so you'll have to look for a marriage relationship in China) If you see it doesn't work, just skip to the next one. If it doesn't work for you then you're not fit to live in China.
edit : btw, in which city are you living in China ?
On October 04 2011 21:31 endy wrote: That's just the normal way to live in China. I really don't see what's surprising. Pick the girl you like the most, see if it can work on the long term (since you said you got married for 7 years I assume you're at least 30, so you'll have to look for a marriage relationship in China) If you see it doesn't work, just skip to the next one. If it doesn't work for you then you're not fit to live in China.
edit : btw, in which city are you living in China ?
I guess what's hard for me is to pick the one I like the most. I am always changing my mind, or I somehow end up with one I didn't like the most. It's hard to feel clearly what I want. I think you're right about this though, what's weird for me is that I always feel pulled in multiple directions that makes me even doubt the one(s) that I should/would know are best...
Being the second man she cooked for is a lot of commitment. I suggest you pop another pack of advil w/beer (or w/e you pop) and move on to another uglie. Life is good mang.
On October 04 2011 21:37 supaplex wrote: Being the second man she cooked for is a lot of commitment. I suggest you pop another pack of advil w/beer (or w/e you pop) and move on to another uglie. Life is good mang.
Wtf dude, stop taking Advil with alcohol. If you want to chill out, just ask those guy from Xinjiang to get you some good weed, but don't mix medicine with alcohol
If you're a good looking foreigner, you'll be able to "have fun" with a lot of girls here, but if the girl shows commitment you must be honest with her. Basically, either you want a long term relationship and look for it carefully, either you just wanna have fun, but you have to be honest with the girl, telling her you're just looking for fun, because she'll prolly be looking for a husband.
On October 04 2011 21:37 supaplex wrote: Being the second man she cooked for is a lot of commitment. I suggest you pop another pack of advil w/beer (or w/e you pop) and move on to another uglie. Life is good mang.
Wtf dude, stop taking Advil with alcohol. If you want to chill out, just ask those guy from Xinjiang to get you some good weed, but don't mix medicine with alcohol
If you're a good looking foreigner, you'll be able to "have fun" with a lot of girls here, but if the girl shows commitment you must be honest with her. Basically, either you want a long term relationship and look for it carefully, either you just wanna have fun, but you have to be honest with the girl, telling her you're just looking for fun, because she'll prolly be looking for a husband.
I think it's quite scary because a lot of them will not want to scare you so they'll be thinking "marriage in 3 months!" the whole time while trying to get there from a feigned "I don't care I just like you let's have fun" starting point.
Not everybody though. If they are pretty far off from 25, they probably figure they can just "play" for a few years. Some of them have a Chinese guy lined up for when they hit their magic age, and just will look to be happy until then. Also, occasionally there's girls who really don't care about that nonsense and just do what they want, even at 27. But still, their idea of dating and boyfriends is at least influenced by the practices that permeate in this environment, like showing affection by doing things that show a concern for the long term of the relationship or the quality of life of the boyfriend (longevity, success, etc. usually achieved by fake cutsey scolding).
I think the gap here is that it seems almost guaranteed that even the girls looking for a long term relationship are looking to score it very quickly, like moving in within 3 months. A lot of the time there's no concept of anything between super life commitment and "just playing"--you know, those things like dating, going steady, being a couple, maybe moving in together, getting engaged... all of those stages look remarkably like being engaged, and breaking up at any of those stages feels remarkably like you're divorcing them... So for me at least, I feel like even dating one of these girls, looking for a potential long term relationship, has a lot of pressure to "get it right." If you go on three or four dates with a girl they will be super mad if you "change your mind" or "are a player" (have other dates?)...
I am so hung over. Mixing wine, champagne and Chinese liquor and canned wine coolers is probably not a good idea That friend of my colleague from a year ago who I went on some dates with called me up after I got home last night, went out with her and her friends, got pretty drunk and we kissed a little. I am not sure how I feel about her emotionally, but professionally I like her. She seems mostly suitable marriagewise from what I know so far, and her lips were nice, and she's not crazy. She kinda looks like a Chinese Kelly Clarkson though.
Ur not too far off. Anyways I got food poisoning today. I really feel like such a mess.
I think I'm wasting away as a person. I guess for a while my best friend was keeping ne anchored and now he's got a gf so I am so alone here again. Depressed j guess, I mean ... Bah probably just the food poisoning talking.
haha I was just joking around there because it seems like you sleep around with a lot of randoms.
Anyway, I actually did read all your previous blogs when I read this one and it seems like all these Chinese women filled a void that your ex-wife had left. I'm not too sure about your family at home in the US and what they think of this, or about your financial situation there in China...but this is what I gathered:
In the US, you may have been an average joe and in need of a partner. You found one and married too soon. Came to China through work, lost the wife and then filled the void with ez Chinese girls (which I'm not saying that there were ez for anyone, you're probably decently good looking and of course when your in such a superficial culture [Shanghai anyone?] and white, that helps ^^). After a while with the ez girls, you became more selective and started to get involved with the bad stuff with all the mingling and now here you are... You're expectations/standards are raised, so your clingyness doesn't fall for just any Chinese girl, and now its harder to find someone to settle with. I guess this incites that part of yourself to just drink and do stuff to get away from that void of loneliness, which also probably connects you to some sort of sex (either from these druggies or their connections?). I dunno if I'm on the wrong track here or not but w/e.
My advice would be that you probably should come back to the US for a while and just test things out for a year. I hear that as a foreigner in China it's really expensive to own land or property (??) so try and get on your feet over here and join some recreational things on the side (to meet people) and hopefully you can find someone more compatible. If not, then you can always figure out another plan. I honestly don't really know though because I don't know enough about you or your qualifications etc.
P.S. If you did catch something in China be sure to give it to that whore of an ex-wife of yours... who the fuck just leaves someone after 1-2 weeks of meeting another guy AFTER 7 years of marriage? Like she MUST have been looking on the market for a quite a while before that...which kinda leads me to believe you're one of those dreamers looking to find their soul-mate... actually you are now that I think back to your posts I dunno dude, you seem in need of some proper social support and maybe being in America with people more similar to yourself can help with that?
On October 06 2011 18:38 Masamune wrote: haha I was just joking around there because it seems like you sleep around with a lot of randoms.
I certainly can give off that impression, but not really. After I broke up with my gf I went on a small rampage, but she was only the 4th woman I've slept with in my life before that. Five more after her all in the same week, wtf, and yes they weren't quality trustworthy girls, I'm not bragging it, it was horrible. Most of the girls (all but my wife/gf?) in these threads I haven't had sex with (yet) though I'm trying... kinda.
Anyway, I actually did read all your previous blogs when I read this one and it seems like all these Chinese women filled a void that your ex-wife had left. I'm not too sure about your family at home in the US and what they think of this, or about your financial situation there in China...but this is what I gathered:
In the US, you may have been an average joe and in need of a partner. You found one and married too soon. Came to China through work, lost the wife and then filled the void with ez Chinese girls (which I'm not saying that there were ez for anyone, you're probably decently good looking and of course when your in such a superficial culture [Shanghai anyone?] and white, that helps ^^). After a while with the ez girls, you became more selective and started to get involved with the bad stuff with all the mingling and now here you are... You're expectations/standards are raised, so your clingyness doesn't fall for just any Chinese girl, and now its harder to find someone to settle with. I guess this incites that part of yourself to just drink and do stuff to get away from that void of loneliness, which also probably connects you to some sort of sex (either from these druggies or their connections?). I dunno if I'm on the wrong track here or not but w/e.
-ya I married too soon -tried to fill the void but wouldn't say i was successful. maybe i did manage to pass the time while some of the after-weirdness of the sudden divorce passed by a little -yeah I have become more selective because I've realized from each girl I've dated, almost dated, or the gf, and even the ex wife, things I want to avoid in the future. I don't want to end up having to break up or dump someone who I shouldn't have been anywhere near in the first place. I want to be patient enough to end up with someone who I want to be with and am able to give a shit enough about them to be someone they want to be with too. It really sucks to have a girl asking you for dates and you suddenly realize, wow, no feeling, and they are so ugly, who cares if they are nice and smart, I will never want anything with them and have no time for boring needy platonic relationships. -I don't really get enough sex, or do much drugs these days. I just drink, in a number of different situations. Sometimes I want to blow off steam and do something a little bit thanos. Sometimes I am with other people and drink to fit in (but do it poorly) and/or have a goofy time with close friends. Mainly those three. When I'm alone, and not going out, I don't drink. Often when the crowd dissipates I throw away whatever drink I have remaining, and sometimes I find myself drinking slower than everyone else, like just for appearances.
My advice would be that you probably should come back to the US for a while and just test things out for a year. I hear that as a foreigner in China it's really expensive to own land or property (??) so try and get on your feet over here and join some recreational things on the side (to meet people) and hopefully you can find someone more compatible. If not, then you can always figure out another plan. I honestly don't really know though because I don't know enough about you or your qualifications etc.
I don't think I could get better than a 39 hour a week walmart-type job in the U.S. I would be breaking even with no real access to medical or dental and that would be if I lived with family which would make me literally go insane.
P.S. If you did catch something in China be sure to give it to that whore of an ex-wife of yours... who the fuck just leaves someone after 1-2 weeks of meeting another guy AFTER 7 years of marriage? Like she MUST have been looking on the market for a quite a while before that...which kinda leads me to believe you're one of those dreamers looking to find their soul-mate... actually you are now that I think back to your posts I dunno dude, you seem in need of some proper social support and maybe being in America with people more similar to yourself can help with that?
heh. I don't think I have any real support in America. There are some special girls here, just have to be patient. My problem is more myself, my feelings aren't clear to me, or they are spread across multiple targets, which is really ineffective.
wow reading this is so amazing, you way you describe things really lets someone step inside your world
it sounds like you have decent values and standards for yourself that you are not fulfiling
it sounds like you need to realise that your "quality" of woman is also quite high / needs to match your own inner values/standards according to how you perceive you should be (ie not a drunken & emotionally messed up)
its confusing to live like this because the "current" you is pretty crappy but the "future perfect you" would have no problem assessing girls and being self-assured in what you want and what isnt good enough for you (so to speak, simply)
alcohol SEVERELY fucks with your emotional state, a rollercoaster. you wonder why one day you're chirpy and cool and the next day you're self-doubting and self-loathing. well, alcohol/depression and the consequences of these has a good deal of control of your emotional state. it takes control away from you and theres nothing you can do about it except putting yourself in emotionally-positive situations (rather than emotionall-negative or messed up ones). rig your life better.
being involved with lots of women will fuck you this way and that , if you arent accustomed and a pro at it already. its cool because you can learn a SHIT LOAD, but its hard to make progress when the basis of your life is not someting stable and admirable , but is instead a rollercoaster booze-fest
you need to organise/rig your life so that instead of "negative" emotions you are bringing in positive ones. this often means (for some people) that you need to sort out what your values actually are in the first place. for me, one has become health&fitness (gym & nutrition). now that i am pursuing this thing that i believe in (after research etc), it is rewarding me with positive emotions, which in turn leaves me with a clearer head, a better base emotional disposition, and allows me to further pursue positive emotions, a positive-feedback effect
since you're in shanghai i think you should do some positive-emotional activities like a dance class or martial arts class or even language class. it will get you out and start the process of filling you with stable, admirable emotional state rather than an alcoholic emotional state. positive emotions dont just come out of nowhere, you need to rig your life towards them. good things will follow only after you do this and start feeling the benefits
then im sure with a bit more self-assurance in your core (rather than the drunken , unstable kind) , your emotional interactions with women will change too.
EPT
