So here I am (I am sixteen, this might be important). I recently got to a new school (known as very good one in my city, yadda yadda I was always a good pupil, besides interrupting some classes with loud chatter from time to time...) met new people, met some old people. I have 9 guys including me in my class and 23 girls, 32 people total. It will be hard to understand the Polish school system and it will take too much space to explain it, so I will skip it and say something related: This is not where I wanted to be.
I basically have more history, culture, english and polish lessons. There's a joke going around that people after classes like that will be unemployed for a long time (because of final tests revolving around doing advanced polish/culture and then basically studying nothing important/needed)
Don't get me wrong, I love english and history classes. I hadn't any culture classes yet, but I am more about "meh" in this. About polish... I don't feel like I am a good writer, so let me go please.
I am a lot more interested in doing something like math, maybe science, chemistry isn't bad, geography can be quite amazing...
There are some good things about my class though. I get to learn Latin (1 hour per week, by hour I mean 45 minutes) and I could choose French out of German and French. The math-science-english class needs to learn German for an example, but classes like math-science-chemistry can choose French too. Math-Geography can learn French too. The trick is it is hard to change the class You want attend to. Every is full. 32 people in one class at that stage of education is quite huge number. In my first school, in which I was for six years we had 24 people. In the second I had.. 28 or 29 I believe. Now I have 32. Basically they had A LOT of people wanting to learn in that school.
But I am here. I got into that school, people are quite cool and stuff. Take this as a success.
So yeah, I've never been a bad student. I've learnt things easily and could talk about them for pretty long time. I am a lazy guy. Like, lazy lazy. I can sit in front of PC for entire dang day long doing nothing BUT F5'ing damn TL Mafia forums. No working out, no going out. I feel like crap because of that.
I am not fat, I am not unattractive (I think), though I am skinny and, pretty much crazy. Sometimes I am brave as heck, but sometimes I just go full shy and refuse to do easy things like talking to someone about something. At this point You've probably guesses I don't have a girlfriend. But this is not important in this blog. I will talk more about problems with people overall than with women.
Some problems I've identified can be solved by doing something else than being a lazy moron, doing couple of pushups or any other activity is not that hard. Working on habits, learning more and things like that can be done by just.. doing it.
But people.. man, this thing is hard.
I am ABSOLUTELY backward when it comes to relations with people. Things I talk about people are mostly shallow (besides couple of my friends who play with me, talking with them is A LOT easier because we know each other for some time and can talk about games and the usual guy stuff or just random things) or I don't talk at all. In my second school the easiest way to describe me is: Friend of all, best of none.
ENTIRE school knew me. That's all. I've never had close friends I guess. Maybe when I was attending to the first school as a young boy around 9-13.. Really. I have no one to talk to just for the sake of talking. I also find talking hard. Mostly because I've always lived double life:
The real one and the gamer/internet one. I'd say many people I've met over Internet know me better than people I say "Hi" from Monday to Friday.
This is TERRIBLE. Maybe it would've been better if they lived in the same city as me or at least close but.. I even lost contact pretty much with them too. Besides couple of them.
I just don't know what to do. I am feeling down. I've been feeling like that for couple of months now. When I was coming to the second school I learnt how to suppress the feelings I had. I felt nothing for the most of the time. The drawback was I could've love something or hate something. Basically three moods. "Yay!" "Meh" "Nay!" I must say I avoided people. I did not want to hang out. I was extremely shy. I don't want to step into someone's group or life with "Hi, could I hang out with You?" It sounds extremely dumb and harsh. I just want to live. Like a normal teenager. Like a normal person. No, I don't want to smoke. No, I don't want to drink alcohol like normal Polish person. Maybe I want to have sex. I don't know. This sucks. Mostly because I do. Lazy bastard that I am, the coward who is bipolar, undecided and scared of people and himself.
Now I will watch some DH Valencia and listen to commentary.. or some sad music.
In meantime I will F5 Blog section.
Because I am lazy and dumb for doing that.
And why the hell I am chewing this -- mom toke that small plastic tube! Oh well. I will play with plastic part of my chair I've taken.
Sad people don't think about enters.
Yeah sorry about that.