EPTThis is the story of how qxc was ridiculed for eating pancakes out of a garbage bag.
These weren't just any ordinary pancakes. These were home made blueberry pancakes cooked with love and plenty of memes.
My girlfriend - henceforth known as Jenny - was an integral part of the construction of said pancakes. I'd say she was cut up and used as an ingredient but just the mere mention of such an act leaves me in tears. Oh. By the way... we're backing up a few days before said pancake incident. A little backstory puleaseeee.
We were in the midst of summer in the suburbs of Chicago and Jenny came to visit me. The night before we cooked some sort of fruit stir fry that was actually more spinach than anything else (but that's a story for another time). While pillaging the grocery store for random ingredients that could be thrown together (literally thrown - for reference it looked something like this) into something that resembled dinner we bought a large number of blue berries as well as some pancake mix in preparation for the coming morning.
As couples are want to do we stayed up late and slept in. At some point I decided the sun was giving my bare skin a burn so I threw on some clothes. With clothes on I was only a few steps away from actually being productive for the day. Fortunately my stomach pushed productivity back (score one for procrastination). Work or not we still had a mission. The clock beeped to signal 2 pm had just rounded the corner of time and hit me head on. Game on.
As we stormed the kitchen I took charge and began ordering both Jenny and myself to do things.
"Kevin get the pot out. Now we also need blueberries"
"Yes Sir!"
"Jenny can you keep my sanity in check?"
*Silence*
"Jenny come in do you read me?"
"Shutup I'm in the bathroom"
"Oh."
What followed was the most romantically awesome pancake making (and no that is not an innuendo) where we took turns stirring the mix and making out. Don't be mistaken children. We were making out the whole time we just alternated who was stirring.
At some point in the process it was time to add milk to our batter. I threw in two "I don't give a damns" (patent pending) of milk which basically amounted to pouring some unknown quantity of milk into the mixer for some indeterminate amount of time.
We threw the pancakes onto the skillet and began cooking. During the process we birthed several monster pancakes. Jenny told me that a pancake the size of the skillet couldn't be done. As you may or may not know I never back down from a challenge. Ever. 나ㅣㅇㅁ wtf korean. Since it was my challenge she didn't really help. Unless you count pointing and laughing as helping. As the frisbee sized pancake splintered into pieces I broke down into tears. This was the severalth time I had failed but there was enough batter left for one last try.
I rolled my sleeves up and put on my special pancake bandana (not to be confused with the more common bandana. I calmed my mind and cleared out all distractions. This BO required all of my focus. My opening began by stirring the batter to ensure a fine goo. Additionally I opted for an early spatula to allow better skillet control. I transitioned into slowly creeping my batter toward the opponent's skillet. Once my army was in position I focused on 'macroing' (heh heh heh) while I waited for my new bases to pay off. Relucantly I broke away from macroing in order to focus more on my attack. I utilized a three pronged spatula elevator to force the pancake into the position I wanted. Then I went back to macroing. Or rather I was pulled back into it. I didn't really have much of a choice. Not that I didn't want to macro. I love macroing. Please don't hurt me Jenny.
My endgame was a full scale base trade. I set a golden plate next to the skillet in order to make the whole situation a little more comfortable (if you're going to base trade you might as well trade to the gold). In order to clear some space and remove potential distractions and/or sabotage efforts I knocked Jenny out with a frying pan.
Thus began the most difficult phase of the attack. I began with two prongs. Not enough.
Sir we require more prongs.
Three.
Let's take it up another notch. Stay on target.
We've reached four prongs sir. We're almost there.
Bring in the fifth prong.
The fifth prong? Are you sure sir? It can't be done.
It must be done. Do it now.
My five pronged pancake base trade assault was successful. No floatable buildings were lost in this base trade (thank god for Terran). One monster pancake? Check. Sup? Now I just have to wait for Jenny to wake up so I can gloat to someone other than myself.
At this point you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with a garbage bag. STFU I'm getting there. Patience please. The best stories need time to frolick. Or flourish. Or come to fruition. Whatever.
So anyway. Back to the story. Whenever I cook I make a lot of food. Enough food for days. Days upon days. By doing so I'm preparing for one of two situations. Either I end up with plenty of food to eat with minimal effort. ORRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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I can feed a flock of starving amazon women that happen upon my door.
But let's be honest. I'm really doing it for option B).
Either way I only have patience to cook once or twice a week at most (barring 'special' circumstances heh heh). So I've got this plate mountain pancakopolis and we're munching away and then the sun goes down a couple of times and then the phone rings. No wait. A window pops up. Or a tab opens. I don't know. Lickitung tells me there's a LAN going down at his place tonight.
I'm down for a LAN. Like literally. I'm on the floor. Crawling toward my car. I really hurt my knee earlier so I'd been laying down for a while and doing a lot of crawling.
I tell Licki that I'll pack up and head over in the next few hours. After packing my computer monitor etc.... (who gives a fuck) into my car I realize that I've forgotten one important necessity. Food. No LAN is complete without food and I don't trust other people to satisfy my needs (I eat a meal every 2 hours).
After looking around my kitchen for some potential snackage I settle on two day old blueberry pancakes (of which there are still plenty) and some random garbage (this story is about pancakes remember?). So I throw all the food into my car and drive off.
Before we get to the LAN itself I want to share with you my own measurement for distance. Ever hear of Dragonforce? Best known for this which appeared in GH3. You know what else is great about DF? All their songs are roughly the same 7-9 minutes in length. I measure time in D's (number of dragonforce songs). After about 5 D's I end up at Licki's place.
Him and the red headed monster slayer (known more commonly as Connor) help me take my computer in. I grab my food and head downstairs. I set all my stuff up and play a couple practice games against... IdrA? I don't really remember. We'll go with IdrA. Inbetween games I'm snacking on pancakes and whatever other garbage I brought but mostly pancakes. Forget about that other garbage. This is the pancake story not the garbage story.
Licki's face begins with surprise which turns to fascination turned to disgust turned wonderment as he watches my hand reach into the black plastic garbage bag next to my computer and pull out a delicious homemade blueberry pancake.
Then he's like all "OMG YOURE EATING OUT OF A GARBAGE BAG" and I'm all like "Yea so?" And he's all like "WTF THATS SO GROSS WTFFFFFFFFFF" and I'm all like "It's clean. I didn't use it for garbage" and then he's like "HEY GUYS LOOK QXC IS EATING OUT OF A GARBAGE BAG WTFFFFFFFF"
Close minded fools. That is the pancake story. The story of me eating pancakes out of a garbage bag.
El fin
