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Ok, so for all of you that doesn't want to read a long boring blog about how I feel and shit,
you should just go back and browse around some more in another fun blog insted.
+ Show Spoiler +So basically I'm sitting here at 3:56 in the morning trying to write something that makes remotley since of my lifefor the past few years.
I've been depressed as long as I can remember almost. It started around when I was 13-14years old (now I've just turned 21), at first I guess it was just a normal teenager syndrome, fighting with parents all the time, feeling useless and worthless. And around 14ish I cut my wrists, and sure it made the pain I felt go away for a while, but never stopped if from going away forever. I never cut my wrists for wanting to die though. But death thoughts was has always been in my mind when shit hits the fan. I can't remember myself being super depressed until I was around 19ish. Sure it's always been there but it's starting to get worse now. After getting out a 3 years relationship I was in between (15-18) I felt happier than I've done in a long time. I decided to have a nice summer with just lots of doing fun shit since I just turned 18. But after just a month or two I fell in love with a guy and a year later we moved in together in the area he grew up, so I ended up moving away around 500km, leaving friends and school behind. For the first year I was just chillin around, having a few extra jobs just to get some income, but I never really felt happy about dropping school due to love. So after a year I applied for going my last year as a design art student in a school nearby. (I graduated this summer with pretty shit grades but at least I made it though finally.) But after living together for 1,5 year and been together for 2,5 year it ended due to me falling in love with another man. So me and this outher guy got together and still are. Only problem is he lives even futher away.
But then it comes to my depression, I'm the type of person that when I get down, I get very quite and anyone who tries to talk to me I just push them away. All I want is to be left alone but yet not. I get mad if I don't get the attention from my boyfriend, but yet I get mad 'cause he won't leave me alone. And basically anything can trigger these feelings. I can be perfectly fine and the next minute I can be weeping around and be mad as hell, and after the madness gone away I'm just totally lost in myself, being meh and sad. I do not allow myself to get happy again, and the only thing I want is to disappear forever. I want to stay sad. Now it has come to the point where I'm pushing away my own bf, the one I'm supposed to care for the most. And all I can think of is breaking up with him to make it easier for him, insted of see me going under. I've tried for so much to not go to the point where I just lose it and break up. I've tried so hard for not giving up, for wanting to be the best I can for him, for wanting the future we've talked about. But I just feel everything is hopeless and I can see it kills him, to not be able to make me feel better. But my problem has nothing to do with him, it's all about me. But I'm trapped somehow it feels, I can't tell people close to me how I feel.
But I'm not ok. I've just admitted to myself that I'm no alright, that it's not ok to be like this. I've got a time to see a shrink but that's not untill end of july, and I seriously don't know how I'm gonna last till then. Life just suck in my point of view, and I've lost all feelings for living. No reason to get up in the morning no more.
TL;DR - Depressed like fuck, pushing bf away, confused and lost.
I'm sorry if this didn't make any since for you lovely people that read it all, but if you have any questions or if you think I missed something please ask/write.
Right now I need all the help I can get.
Love to all of the lovely TL members <3
 
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Your second boyfriend was best. Maybe he was your one shot at true awesoemenss which is now gone forever. Oh well such things happen.
Edit: Corrections.
Editedit: See shrink.
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On June 30 2011 11:37 Earll wrote:
Your first boyfriend was best. Maybe he was your one shot at true awesoemenss which is now gone forever. Oh well such things happen.
lol how encouraging
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Wow, you need help. Those types of feelings are not normal. You should probably work on yourself first before bringing anyone into your life as your mental state will most certainly cause you to hurt them, especially when they try to reach out.
Another human being cannot make you satisfied with yourself. You have to do that on your own. GL
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I don't have much advice other than that you shouldn't break up with your boyfriend, that's something you'll definitely regret. there's nothing wrong with you though, you're not broken, you're just sort of.. stuck. but don't ever think there's something wrong with you and be hard on yourself for how you feel, a lot of people (more than you'd think) go through with this and feel the same way you do and even though you'll tell yourself it doesn't, it gets better.
definitely see the shrink at the end of july... until then, focus on other things you care about (don't focus on things you don't care about - and if you do care about it, consider whether you should care or not. not giving a fuck about anything means nothing can get you down, although it's also not that good an idea for other reasons). focus on your boyfriend, starcraft (assuming you play it), your work (if you enjoy it) - things that you can think about. and by thinking about it, I mean think about IT - for example, with starcraft don't think about your relation to it, rather just think about IT. same with your boyfriend, don't think "I'm too much of a burden on my boyfriend" (which is absoloutely not true). rather, talk to your boyfriend about what's up with him, what he's thinking, etc.
anyhow, you have the strength to get through this - don't ever think that you don't
EDIT: also don't listen to retard trolls, they're retarded.
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Well basically I think you're depressed because you'd doing nothing and you don't know what to do. Maybe you think your life isn't going anywhere. What do you want in life? Have you ever had a goal that you wanted to fulfill? From what you wrote, the source of your depression is still unknown. We can try help you identify it if you want to discuss.
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I will add poll to make this thread better:
[] First.
[x] Obbe.
[] Phil or some shit I don't know.
User was warned for this post
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ok so. i'm not good at this encouragement stuff either. But I do believe that our own words effect emotions from us. If u dwell on the down then you're going be down. There's no way to be objective about vocalizing your depression, cuz just the fact u focus on it will bring u down.
I also believe that what condition one may have is not something that has to define that person. For example, depression. You may have a clinical form of depression, you may not, but either way i don't believe it has to dominate u. You can choose to be controlled by it or you can choose to get out of it. One might not be as easy as the other, but there is still a choice.
So, if ur down right now I say do the following.
- Smile. Hold it. Keep holding it. Look at the mirror. Keep smiling
- Say "I can".
- Go run. Pick a manageable course and run at a slow pace. During the whole run, every time u feel pain say "I can". Keep saying "I can" and keep going until you finish.
- Wear something u look good in.
- Smile again
- Eat something delicious but not something ur going to gorge on.
- Read a newspaper or a book or something.
- Say something funny to your boyfriend or if he says something funny try to laugh even if it's stupid. If he does something to piss you off or whatever just think to yourself, "I can" like you did in the run.
- Sleep.
- Wake up, smile immediately! Then take out some paper and do the pro/con thing about your boyfriend. Figure out what you want to do with your lives.
That's my advice! good luck.
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How about coming clean to your boyfriend, saying that you need him to worry less about you (or at least, pretend to worry less). Or ask him to get some help in dealing with you (ie. if you don't want to be alone, arranging sympathetic friends to visit or help out).
Anyway, stop feeling guilty about what is happening with the relationship. You are still very young, I assume that your boyfriend is the same. Anything that happens now will not be devastating. The main thing is to get yourself in good working order before taking relationships too seriously. Life will get better, especially with some professional help (and patience).
Edit: Ok, how about saying this to your boyfriend: "I love you and care for you. But I need to fix my problems before I can really be serious about a relationship. I would love it if we could just have a casual relationship right now, and maybe think about a more serious relationship when I've got my shit together. At least for now, please don't think of me as being your responsibility". Of course, that's only a good idea if that reflects how you feel...
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What do you eat? And do you exercise outside at least a few times a week?
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There's no need for things to be so cut and dry. There is an in-between and you find it one day.
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Life is always worth living regardless of how much it seems to suck. You need to find what makes you happy. For some people its a new job, some its a new spouse, others a new city. For me to get out of my teenage depression I travelled the world. I left the country for 6 months and met tons of new people and did things way out of my comfort zone. If you cant afford something like this, get a job and start saving and work towards it as a goal. You will find that even working towards something is incredibly rewarding. It sounds to me like you feel trapped in the tedium of every day life. Get out their and change it, rather than complaining about it. Making an effort to be positive will actually make you feel more positive.
In the end only you can figure out what makes you happy. So go out and do it! =D
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Take anti-depressants. Seriously. I have friends who are starting to look up after taking them. Happiness, love, and seratonin.
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Anti-depressants could be useful for all we know it may be chemical imbalance in your brain or something. Exercising can be helpful as well ofc and a given to be doing.
Really though, it's kinda tricky to help because we don't know the root of your problems; why are you depressed in the first place. As I said above the anti-depressants can help but you should also try to just spend some time by yourself and really think hard on why your feeling bad and what you can do about it. Think about what makes you happy as well and try and do those stuff more often. Your currently in a relationship and since he hasn't left yet with the way you are as you've described it means that he must be a caring and patient person. He can be a great support person for you as can other people you know.
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I just wanna say, you can be happy.
You have been happy before, you can be happy again. Some people walk around happy the majority of their lives. It is possible for you too, regardless of how bad you feel right now!
It will require time, and it will require some hard work, but it can be done. Your health should be your #1 priority right now.
My advice(echo's some others; I speak from experience as well):
1) Find a professional. You are already seeking that option, so give yourself a pat on the back. That takes courage.
2) Try to be happy. I know it sounds hokey, and it's not some cure all. However, positive self talk does make a difference. You are allowed to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Believe in yourself.
3) Exercise. Some depression can be cured or lessened via exercise. Lifting weights and jogging/situps both have antidepressant effects. You may feel self conscious exercising, so try some home exercise routines, maybe some Yoga. Search the web or Youtube for advice.
4) Eat healthy. Lots of advice out there on this. Avoid junk/processed. Eat whole foods.
5) Realize that depression takes time to set in, it also takes time to get out of. Do not get discouraged! You will be depressed for a while, but it will slowly get better(exercise produces a small dose-dependent anti-depressant effect, so try to exercise frequently!)
6) Reach out to a support group(family and friends). Talk to your boyfriend. Try to involve him.
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Create some small, short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. Things like cooking a certain dish, being able to jog farther, getting to know people at work better, learn about random facts you're interested in (google) and apply them to your everyday life, share them with your bf.
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Check out www.suicideforum.com - I posted there heaps when I was suicidal, it's kind of like how if you're into StarCraft you come to TL. Suicide forum is full of depressed people who share advice and experiences or just rant. If you post this same thread there you'll get heaps of detailed responses from people who read your posts in detail.
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seems to me like u need to seek some serious medical help
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On June 30 2011 13:12 Drinking Nestea wrote:Check out www.suicideforum.com - I posted there heaps when I was suicidal, it's kind of like how if you're into StarCraft you come to TL. Suicide forum is full of depressed people who share advice and experiences or just rant. If you post this same thread there you'll get heaps of detailed responses from people who read your posts in detail.
Now I am no expert in being depressed, so I might be wrong here and this might be a good idea, but is it really a good idea, when suicidal\depressed, to hang about other people who are suicidal\depressed?
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I would say if it has been going on since you were 14 that you need therapy on top of some prescription drugs to balance out your mood. I've been going through some of the same problems (only for 4 or 5 years) and have been talking to people close to me to find a solution.
The bottom line is that depressed you isn't actually you. At one point in most depressed peoples lives, they were happy and content and motivated to get up every day and go off to school and see their friends or go off to work or school and get things done. When it turns into depression and the social barriers start closing, you start pushing people who are close to you away, not wanting to wake up and face tomorrow or have no goals or aspirations. That is the time to get medical help and see a professional to eventually get you back to a normal happy life.
I've actually been putting my depression aside and hoping that it will go away without therapy or help and it just hasn't. I guess I should stop and actually take my own advice, but it isn't an easy thing to do. I hope you also are able to get better and be happy with your boyfriend and your life. Just remember, no matter how hopeless you feel, you can get better..you just have to find help.
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EPT
