Hey guys. Many of you guys have probably seen my thread on my girlfriend and pornography. You have also probably read my blog on how I bought $50 of riot points for her. Well, let me recap the relationship with her and you guys tell me if you think it's worth staying with her.
I started dating her in 4/30/10. She was in high school (junior) and I was a freshman in college. I was introduced to her by a mutual friend and we just kind of clicked the first time we met. We decided to date and it wasn't long until I lost my v-card to this girl. I don't know if any of you guys remember this blog but her parents found one of the condoms I used in her trash can when they were out at the gym. I was not supposed to be over at her house when she was alone but she said it would be okay. They found out and I had to confront them and apologize. Everything went well and the mom and dad thought I had big balls to talk to them about it and apologize. So instead of losing points, I won more points with them.
Skip forward to around September of last year. My girlfriend calls me on the phone while I'm working for my parents and she says "you remember Carl, my ex" and when I heard his name, I was like WTF is it now.. (she had lost her v-card to him and there were obvious emotional ties to him, and he was a good looking guy according to all her friends).. She tells me that he is transferring over to her private school because he got kicked out of his old one for fighting. I ask her if this is something to worry about and she tells me "no, I am fine. I can handle it on my own." Fast forward 2 months. She is playing Starcraft II on my computer and I am laying in bed toying around with the new phone I got and I pick up my girlfriend's phone because she got the same phone. I get on her facebook to change her status and also see if she's been talking about me with her friends. I stumble into a conversation she's been holding with this boy Carl. She was flirting with him over facebook messages and talking about how all the girls thought he was super hot and basically flirted with him constantly. Every message was coupled with cute smiley faces and all. I was so distraught I asked her "what are these messages about?" and she had the shocked look on her face and I walked downstairs while she chased me bawling her eyes out. She explained to me that it wouldn't happen again and that she was very sorry. I didn't want to break up with her because at that time, we had been doing really well. She was planning on taking me to Utah on a snowboarding trip and all so I knew the advantages of staying with her. So I sucked it up and accepted the fact that my GF emotionally cheated on me and forgave her.
Fast forward to January of this year. I get into an argument with my girlfriend about pornography and she views it as the most disgusting thing in the world. She doesn't even seem to care to listen to what I have to say. She just has her view and if I don't back up, she starts crying, making me feel really bad and ultimately giving in to her. Plus, I knew pornography wasn't necessary because we were having a healthy sexual relationship. I guess the reason I wanted to watch pornography was because it allows me to look at hot women on the internet but not in real life. (idk if that makes any sense to you guys).
Anyway, we eventually get over the issue and I move onto campus my second semester of my sophomore year at college. The move is really difficult because I'll be on my own for the first time in college and I'll be away from her. My girlfriend is really distraught and bawls her eyes out asking me why I decided to move onto campus. (It was because my grades were dropping due to my inability to concentrate at home and not have any desire to commute 25mins to classes every day) She lets go of it eventually and I go home EVERY weekend during that semester to keep my GF happy. The school year ends for me and her.
We get into a new game for us called League of Legends, or better known as LoL. We are hooked and I buy $100 worth of riot points for both of us. She is happy because she wants to buy the skins for a lot of the female characters. A week afterwards, we go camping with a few of my friends. We smoke, drink, eat, and do all the college stuff on a camping trip. First night, we both get stoned and she enjoys it. (She was against it previously because she said she suffered from a seizure once). The second night, she doesn't get high and couple that with being on her period, she gets all upset. I, on the other hand, is blazed out of my mind and looks like a complete fool in front of her when she is completely sober. She freaks me out and I start panicking, thinking that she will break up with me right then because she saw me in this delirious state. We get back home and resolve the issue. We conclude that if she got high, she wouldn't have overreacted the way she did. However, she wants me to hold off until we are both in college or she feels more comfortable. I say okay because it's only a few months until we are in college together.
Few days later, we are in my room together. I step out of my shower, and she is laying in my bed saying she has a headache. I ask her what's wrong and she says "I'm losing romantic feelings for you" and my heart drops. I ask her why? And here are the two reasons that she's told me why: 1) She wants to meet other guys. Thinking about making out with a guy turns her on. 2) She thinks our relationship has become too much like friendship.
I really don't know what I should do from here guys. I basically explained all the biggest events in our relationship and after everything she and I have been through, I would hope that she could get over this feeling and accept it as normal and a part of being in a serious relationship. She spoke to her mom, who advised to her that we should spend less time with each other and set boundaries on what we can do together. I need some advice from the TL community on what to do. If I can, I'd love to stay with her because we have a pretty bright future ahead of us in my opinion, but the stress from the relationship has literally put a strain on my health (had to visit the cardiologist for chest pains from stress). She wants me to give her until next Wednesday to decide what to do about us but I am not a patient person when it comes to relationship issues. What should I do? Should I wait it out? Should I keep going? IDK what I'm supposed to do.. I love her but at the same time, I feel like there are better fish in the sea that won't pull the same stunts as her. You're free to ask any personal questions that are relevant and look at my previous blogs to get a better understanding of some of the events I have mentioned above. Thanks guys.
live and let live man, that's the way of it sometimes, just accept that these things happen, and depending on your mindset, cut all ties or stay as her friend, i recommend the first path, cause the other way is far too complicated, fraught with jealousy and various other stupid things, who knows, the old saying goes, well i can't remember the saying, but it's the bird one with setting it free and coming back to you or not, i'm sure you know it
In my opinion, it's over. Save yourself future heartbreak and practice being a confident "alpha male." Just recognize these things happen and people grow apart, and let her know as much. Move on.
DTB. She wants to act like that then she's not worth your time. If you want her back you need to become more unavailable and show her the world goes one without her.
Ahhh man, everything you say in here makes sence to me, My girlfriend got worried when I got stoned because she thought I would think of others etc etc. Girls take everything seriously.
If you don't mind me saying man, it seems like you've become dependant on her, I know how it feels entirely. You feel like you can't be without her, and you don't know what you'd even do without her, so even when she says/does stupid shit, you always let it slide because you need her.
Honestly man, I think it seems like it's going to end, and it's going to fucking destroy you, but gradually, you'll be okay, you just gotta get your chin up, then start to focus on friends and school.
I know how it feels to be dependant on the woman you love, thankfully I was able to work through all the problems we had, although If she told me she thought about other guys sexually, I wouldn't want to be with her, I'd have finished her then. And for her to be flirting with another guy would have also been unacceptable for me.
Sorry to say this but. Its the beginning of the end.
You're free to love her... as a friend and it feels like you really do. Nothing more nothing less. I don't really know what you guys do together besides game and hang out with friends. What do you do when you two are alone? How is the communication?
You should just let it go and surround urself with friends/things that have nothing to do with her.
lol that's pretty normal with relationships. After a few months together it'll start to feel more like you're best friends who have sex. You'll feel extremely comfortable with each other and won't get those butterflies or nervousness or anything anymore.
I don't know if you can hold it against her for getting turned on at the thought of making out with other guys when you told her you still want to watch porn. That's just hypocritical of you.
In any long-term relationship you WILL lose those romantic feelings. That's just the nature of it. However, you should also have no desire to cheat or meet other people. You begin to care for each other so much that you're not interested in other people and would never do something like that to hurt your partner. I think that's what love actually is, not the nervous jittery butterfly feeling you get when on the chase/first dating.
Personally it sounds like your girl is one of those that lives for the "thrill of the hunt." She isn't satisfied or maybe isn't ready to settle down with one person yet; perhaps she enjoys the butterfly stages of the relationship then gets bored afterwards. If you're looking for something long-term, I'd suggest dropping her because she probably isn't emotionally mature enough to be comfortable or happy with what a long-term relationship actually feels like. It's supposed to feel more like an intense friendship than a romantic escapade. And if that's not what she wants, well, she's going to dump you or cheat on you sooner or later.
Also it's pretty bad that you have to check her Facebook (and even worse that you actually found something incriminating). There doesn't seem to be much trust in your relationship. That's a big no-no for something long-term.
I think you should just go for someone your own age, also you shouldn't look through peoples things without asking first.
But anyways the best thing to do is start living single again, if you both feel like you want to start dating go for it, if that doesn't work out then stop.
On June 30 2011 03:20 THE_DOMINATOR wrote: DTB. She wants to act like that then she's not worth your time. If you want her back you need to become more unavailable and show her the world goes one without her.
On June 30 2011 03:22 Dance. wrote: Lol, it's over.
Unless you want to cheat on her to show that she still has feelings for you.
Alternatively you can not be an asshole and let her learn this when she decides to leave you.
Wait it out, see what she says. I'd just let things play out. Sucky situation to be in, but it happens.
On June 30 2011 03:27 Curu wrote: lol that's pretty normal with relationships. After a few months together it'll start to feel more like you're best friends who have sex. You'll feel extremely comfortable with each other and won't get those butterflies or nervousness or anything anymore.
I don't know if you can hold it against her for getting turned on at the thought of making out with other guys when you told her you still want to watch porn. That's just hypocritical of you.
In any long-term relationship you WILL lose those romantic feelings. That's just the nature of it. However, you should also have no desire to cheat or meet other people. You begin to care for each other so much that you're not interested in other people and would never do something like that to hurt your partner. I think that's what love actually is, not the nervous jittery butterfly feeling you get when on the chase/first dating.
Personally it sounds like your girl is one of those that lives for the "thrill of the hunt." She isn't satisfied or maybe isn't ready to settle down with one person yet; perhaps she enjoys the butterfly stages of the relationship then gets bored afterwards. If you're looking for something long-term, I'd suggest dropping her because she probably isn't emotionally mature enough to be comfortable or happy with what a long-term relationship actually feels like. It's supposed to feel more like an intense friendship than a romantic escapade. And if that's not what she wants, well, she's going to dump you or cheat on you sooner or later.
True that, man. If it were my blog post, this is who I'd listen to. Maybe that's kind of cheating to say because I've had this happen before, lol.
She's the one who needs to make the decision at this point, either way. I don't think her choice will be the one you'd like, however I think you'll learn over time that it was likely for the best.
Say goodnight. You're done. Maintaining a relationship is synonymous to maintaining mutual attraction, and if that is lost it's over. Not to mention the fact that your relationship is scarcely a year old and you're already having problems. It took me 3 full years before my relationship began to show signs of deterioration, and you're already on the decline in 1 - pack it in.
As far as her actions go you're in huge danger of being cheated on. Believe me, you do not want that to happen. If you think you felt bad finding out she was messaging another guy flirtingly try enduring a week of apetite loss and total loss of focus as a result of being cheated on.
She's young and immature and will make mistakes that will hurt you. Save yourself. Caveat: Think about this in the most shallow way possible - are you having good and frequent sex? No? Then why are you wasting your time?
Meh, if she feels that way then don't go acting like you seriously need her in your life, better to act (or pretend) as if you don't really care either way. In the end, you'll convince yourself she's not worth it, and she isn't.
Seems like she is still in her high school stage while you are in college stage. If you are having problems with your health and both of you are having trust issues (you reading into her facebook messages and her feeling uncomfortable with you watching porn), I doubt the relationship will last in the long run.
I personally would have ended the relationship after the smiley face conversations with other guys and after realizing how much stress this is putting on you. At ~20 years old, relationships shouldn't take a ton of effort or focus away from college and work, because those should be priority number 1.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope you are able to work things out. If not, find someone who you can trust and doesn't stress you out to the point of having to see a doctor.
On June 30 2011 03:30 TheGiz wrote: You do not need to talk to anyone else about this situation other than I.
Say goodnight. You're done. Maintaining a relationship is synonymous to maintaining mutual attraction, and if that is lost it's over. Not to mention the fact that your relationship is scarcely a year old and you're already having problems. It took me 3 full years before my relationship began to show signs of deterioration, and you're already on the decline in 1 - pack it in.
As far as her actions go you're in huge danger of being cheated on. Believe me, you do not want that to happen. If you think you felt bad finding out she was messaging another guy flirtingly try enduring a week of apetite loss and total loss of focus as a result of being cheated on.
She's young and immature and will make mistakes that will hurt you. Save yourself.
Caveat: Think about this in the most shallow way possible - are you having good and frequent sex? No? Then why are you wasting your time?
Just because you took 3 years to have issues, doesn't mean that that is normal, nor does it make you exceptional. It doesn't make your relationship better than anyone else's either, you just got lucky. The fact of the matter is that every relationship has issues, it's working through these issues that leads to commitment and dedication.
I'm afraid it's time to let go. While you guys had a good run, it's clear that she is having experimental interests in other people. It's normal and although this is heart-shattering, I suggest you consider perhaps the same actions (you're in college bro, lots of trials there!).
Point being is that you guys have experienced a lot and perhaps she feels there isn't much more she wants to experience or can experience with you and wants to see what else is out there. She is growing up and seeing more and opportunities, quality people and chances that she perhaps feels she is missing due to this relationship. It's fair, yet... a sad thing to hear and acknowledge.
I'm really sorry for your predicament. Personally, to convince someone to stay and miss experiences with other people is something I couldn't do. It wouldn't make sense to me.
Best of luck.
P.S: You've learned a lot from this relationship and I think you should come out of it knowing that and learning from any particular mistakes.
(oh and I laughed so hard about the pornography issue [believe me, I've been there lololol], Try a class in sexuality and relationships [psychology], you'll find yourself much more comfortably knowledgeable about the issue and be able to reason that pornography actually has its validity (maybe not for you in particular, but nonetheless)).
Edit: Let me try to be helpful in a philosophical way: If she didn't give a fuck about your feeling when she was messaging that guy by "cheating in the mind", do you think she truly cares about the relationship enough to make it last?
No, this is further shown by her statement of losing feels.
Wow, that's quite a story! It sounds like you guys have been through some tough times before and you managed to make it through okay, which is why I think you can make it through this, too, if you play your cards right. You clearly care a great deal about this girl, so I think it will be worth it for your to put in the effort to keep the relationship together.
You should start off by thinking about how you've worked through your fights and problems before... what did you do that worked, and what is usually the thing that causes her to be upset? Also, keep in mind that just because she SAYS something is the reason she's upset / distant doesn't mean that's the case.
EDIT: having read through your post again, I think I've identified the problem that lead up to this: You and your girlfriend play League of Legends together, right? That's your mighty downfall, every tryhard knows that Heroes of Newerth is substantially better, has a superior relative skill potential, and you can't buy better heroes on it, if you buy the game you own the game.
Get out bud, you more then likely wouldnt of married her anyways.. not the way it seems at least. It is probably for the best. You will meet someone else, trust me.
You're better off preparing yourself to do it. Call her, do it in person, it doesn't really matter(though I prefer in person).
You should basically tell her that if doesn't have any more romantic feelings for you and doesn't intend to give it her all, that you should mutually agree to end it.
On June 30 2011 03:39 Blazinghand wrote: EDIT: having read through your post again, I think I've identified the problem that lead up to this: You and your girlfriend play League of Legends together, right? That's your mighty downfall, every tryhard knows that Heroes of Newerth is substantially better, has a superior relative skill potential, and you can't buy better heroes on it, if you buy the game you own the game.
It's flawless logic, I knew this day would happen when League of Dildos comes back to ruin our lives.
On June 30 2011 03:39 AyeH wrote: Thanks guys for the advice and comments, etc. Should I just call her and call it quits now? Or wait it out until she calls me?
Well, it all depends. I'd say just wait til she wants to talk about it... then exchange words on how you guys feel and make a decision from there. Don't rush to break it off if you both still want to try and work it out. In the end, it is up to you if you want to break it off now or not. Any more thoughts on your relationship after reading a page and a half of comments?
On June 30 2011 03:42 stevarius wrote: You're better off preparing yourself to do it. Call her, do it in person, it doesn't really matter(though I prefer in person).
You should basically tell her that if doesn't have any more romantic feelings for you and doesn't intend to give it her all, that you should mutually agree to end it.
Yep, this. It's better to do it in person but you might melt to the crying act. If you think you can stay firm despite the potential begging and tears, then do it in person. If not, phone might be better.
If you're just looking for a fling, then you might as well stick with her and get as much free sex out of it as possible. If you're looking for a stable long-term relationship, time to say goodbye.
On June 30 2011 03:39 Blazinghand wrote: EDIT: having read through your post again, I think I've identified the problem that lead up to this: You and your girlfriend play League of Legends together, right? That's your mighty downfall, every tryhard knows that Heroes of Newerth is substantially better, has a superior relative skill potential, and you can't buy better heroes on it, if you buy the game you own the game.
It's flawless logic, I knew this day would happen when League of Dildos comes back to ruin our lives.
At least she's honest about it and didn't come up with excuses to blame you for the relationship failure.
Everyone here gave sensible responses and you should start protecting yourself now (emotionally). Since she's the one who wants to move away from the relationship, you're bound to be the more hurt one out of the two. All I can say is take it easy man and time will heal you.
Mutual break-up sounds nice. You just have to maintain your sense of self-worth and have a positive view on the world, which is one of the harder things to do in post-breakup.
Sounds like you are being needy and this is also turning her off. Letting the relationship go might be good advice, but if you want to salvage it there might still be hope. If this is what you want, try to act less needy, don't let things bother you. Compete with other guys for attention rather than assuming she won't give them any and then getting upset when she does (I know it's hard to do this). If you want to salvage it you're going to need to treat her more like you're trying to get her to **** you rather than she's your long time commited g/f. If all of that is unattractive to you then it is better to not fake it, just call it off.
On June 30 2011 03:39 Blazinghand wrote: EDIT: having read through your post again, I think I've identified the problem that lead up to this: You and your girlfriend play League of Legends together, right? That's your mighty downfall, every tryhard knows that Heroes of Newerth is substantially better, has a superior relative skill potential, and you can't buy better heroes on it, if you buy the game you own the game.
It's flawless logic, I knew this day would happen when League of Dildos comes back to ruin our lives.
OH SHIT
It's here for TL now!!!
Oh no oh no oh no!!!! Truly it is a terrible world we live in, a dark and cold one where no forum is safe from the LoL, not even TL.
What are your goals with her? Do you want to marry her? Or do you simply want to keep someone to be able to say you have a gf, fuck and make out whenever you're done doing your other life duties?
If you're not serious about her, I'd recommend you go find someone else to keep the romantic flame lit, because a serious relationship is a sacrifice.
I want to extend my gratitude for you sharing your story. as everyone above me as posted it is time to find someone new. It will be hard and you will miss her, but if you stay true to yourself and know that you will find someone better, you will be so much happier in the long run. this current girl will always be a part of your life because you share something special losing your virginity.
You will be better having the experiences from this relationship so you can be a better partner to your future loved one. So however you want to end this relationship is up to you I suggest you be the one to do it and not wait tell she does something that hurts you even more. I would almost say this verbatim "hey (insert girl name here) we need to stop seeing each other, I respect you and don't want to be hurt, if you are losing feelings for me we should part ways. CYA I need to ladder anyways"
If you stay with her you are screwed and she will ultimately cheat on you or leave you. This is absolutely certain.
If you dump her at once she might decide she wants you back after she has some fun. Or maybe not. Depends on her luck with other guys and whether or not you are seen around attractive women.
If you dump her, then instantly hook up with a remotely hot girl and flaunt it in her face she will go berserk and rage that you two were meant for each other and that she will murder the bitch for stealing the love of her life. She will then try to use sex to get you back.
You both are very young. Girls change big time when they go into college. They want to party, they want to be sluts for a couple years because they know they'll never be able to do it again. You can't do anything about it. The healthy thing to do is date other girls. Have as many experiences as you can. High school relationships never last.
Think of it as a good thing and how much you've learned from this relationship. You'll find another great girl out there.
Man I think it's over the day you read her msges with her ex-boyfriend. Just remember if she can do it once then she can definitely do it again. If she is telling you that she is losing her feelings towards you then forcing to make your relationship works will only hurt you both on the long run, atleast thats what I think.
F the B, man. You're in college. Don't tie yourself down to one woman. This isn't mean macho-chauvinistic in anyway, but get out and explore. Have that one night stand, do some blow off of a hooker's thigh and never see her again. Experiment. This is the time for it. Soon you'll have some ugly snot-nosed kids and all that crap. These are the times you are supposed to look back at and really cling to, not regret. The best thing you can do to a woman who can't make her mind up is ignore her. It's difficult to do, but she'd be crawling back in two weeks, no doubt.
from experience, it usually happens when your girl is in school and you are at college. They change. Dont even feel bad man. smoke a jammy, have a drink and move right along. Give it a few months, she will probably come crawling back one day when she sees you having a good time without her. Dont take her back.
poke her then tell her "Ive lost romantic feelings for you" you want to meet other girls. Thinking about making out with a girl turns you on. Your think your relationship has become too much like a 1 night stand.
go for someone your own age. trust me. little girls have hormones still raging through them. they have no idea what they are feeling half the time.
oh and btw why would you need porn if you were porking her regularly? You obviously dont really love her then anyway so its no major loss. Trust me, if you are shagging the girl you love regularly porn shouldnt have to be an issue
On June 30 2011 03:11 AyeH wrote: The second night, she doesn't get high and couple that with being on her period, she gets all upset. I, on the other hand, is blazed out of my mind and looks like a complete fool in front of her when she is completely sober. She freaks me out and I start panicking, thinking that she will break up with me right then because she saw me in this delirious state. We get back home and resolve the issue. We conclude that if she got high, she wouldn't have overreacted the way she did. However, she wants me to hold off until we are both in college or she feels more comfortable. I say okay because it's only a few months until we are in college together.
Few days later, we are in my room together. I step out of my shower, and she is laying in my bed saying she has a headache. I ask her what's wrong and she says "I'm losing romantic feelings for you" and my heart drops. I ask her why? And here are the two reasons that she's told me why: 1) She wants to meet other guys. Thinking about making out with a guy turns her on. 2) She thinks our relationship has become too much like friendship.
I think this is the area that should be focused on.
First off be very careful with drugs and women, things can go bad very easily when you mix such volatile ingredients. Side note: sex and mushrooms are a specific example of things that should not be mixed ever.
I have to say that even though I have an attractive girlfriend, thinking about making out with/watching porn of girls that I am not dating turns me on; I consider it normal and would assume my GF would say the same thing, I just wouldn't talk to her about it. As some others have said relationships cool down and feel more like friendships, its pretty awesome in some ways, not so fun in others. You should ask her how she feels the relationship is changing, in the future maybe you should get her a $50 flower bouquet instead of something for a video game; just seems like a step in the right direction. Of course, if she no longer feels attracted to you, that's a whole other and very serious problem but I don't think you said that.
I have been dating my GF since 2005, we have had some issues but we talked through them and each time realized we needed to make some slight changes in our relationship, not give it up completely. Talk to her and work out what's best for you. Also take every comment in this blog with a large grain of salt.
As people have said - over time a relationship will lose its "butterflies" effect on you...but it's really at that point where you and your gf/bf have to decide how much you want the relationship to go on. You won't have the butterflies forever. However once you reach the stage in a relationship, you can choose to just let the relationship "drag" on and ultimately end in boredom, or feeling like your romantic feelings have dissipated. Or you can use the time to build the relationship even further from there.
I feel like most relationships have a tendency to end here if they make it through the initial stages of working things out to mesh well between two people. I would disagree with the people saying to call her up and dump her ASAP, let her think about it.
However, it's 100% your call. If you'd rather just sever the cord now rather than later, or if you'd rather her not have the chance to, go ahead. I'd suggest just taking it one step at a time and seeing what she decides on.
Dude, I didn't read any of the responses but it is never going to be the same in my opinion. Shes ready to go to college and is looking to drop her old ties and experience something new. No offense but she sounds quite controlling man. I would try to move on even though its gonna be a rough few months. A year from now you won't even remember what it's like to be with her but you gotta cut ties. Your obviously a guy that wears your heart on your sleeve so don't get tied up again quick. Try to find a good looking girl that your not emotionally attracted to and bang her for a few months as a rebound. Get that out of your system, recover, focus on school, friends, partying, gaming. When you do something and your first thoughts aren't oh i wish she was here with me open yourself to dating again.
tl;dr: Huge post with in-depth analysis of what caused which problems and how to resolve those issues the next time.
Edit: Damn you, USA. Mixed up the age. Most of the stuff I posted should apply to the age of 16 on the girl side anyway, however more emphasize on her unconciously trying to get into control and her feeling less secure. A solid partnership that stops her from pulling that random drama during that age will help her get rid of those issues pretty quickly.
There are so many horrible assumptions in this thread that I just have to take a huge dump in here.
Yes, that relationship is about 80% done. However, no one has posted proper information as to WHY it is most likely done and in which areas you can improve so that stuff doesn't happen next time. I'll just go through your post and comment on each section.
I started dating her in 4/30/10. She was in high school (junior) and I was a freshman in college. I was introduced to her by a mutual friend and we just kind of clicked the first time we met. We decided to date and it wasn't long until I lost my v-card to this girl.
Sounds solid. Somehow, even though she is older than you she "fell" for you. Well done.
I don't know if any of you guys remember this blog but her parents found one of the condoms I used in her trash can when they were out at the gym. I was not supposed to be over at her house when she was alone but she said it would be okay. They found out and I had to confront them and apologize. Everything went well and the mom and dad thought I had big balls to talk to them about it and apologize. So instead of losing points, I won more points with them.
Despite being rather young (20ish?) and not having much experience with girls before (the v-card, you know) you didn't only win points with her parents. You showed your GF that you're mature and that you have huge balls by taking responsibility and action.
Skip forward to around September of last year. My girlfriend calls me on the phone while I'm working for my parents and she says "you remember Carl, my ex" and when I heard his name, I was like WTF is it now.. (she had lost her v-card to him and there were obvious emotional ties to him, and he was a good looking guy according to all her friends)..
Here we have your first mistake, both in action and mindset. You are afraid. You are afraid that the guy she used to date is better than you. You are jealous. Someone who is jealous of someone else always, and I mean always puts the thing/person he's jealous of in a position above him. That's probably the most unattractive trait someone can posess.
She tells me that he is transferring over to her private school because he got kicked out of his old one for fighting. I ask her if this is something to worry about and she tells me "no, I am fine. I can handle it on my own." Fast forward 2 months.
Dingding. You are verbalizing to her that you are afraid of him/their past/their prior relationship, whatever. In this situation she is not seeing you as her boyfriend or the mature, cool dude at her side. She's seeing you as a scared puppy that has to be calmed down. Not good.
The correct mindset in a situation like this is "Oh, he seems to be a cool guy anyway, most people seem to like him. For some reason they are not together anymore and, hey, I'm the best she can find anyway." ... A correct response is to be like "Oh, cool. I always wanted to get to know that guy, he seems to be pretty nice. Tell me when we can hang out once he's settled in and all."
She is playing Starcraft II on my computer and I am laying in bed toying around with the new phone I got and I pick up my girlfriend's phone because she got the same phone. I get on her facebook to change her status and also see if she's been talking about me with her friends. I stumble into a conversation she's been holding with this boy Carl.
You didn't "stumble" into a conversation. You were actually looking for something like that. Why? Because you feel that something is wrong and also because you are afraid of losing her. Jealousy once again. You don't feel sure of her, that's why you have a tendency to doublecheck on her.
For her, this is you being a complete dickhead. You are fucking reading her messages. You show her that you don't trust her at all and then you try to justify that by the result you got.
She was flirting with him over facebook messages and talking about how all the girls thought he was super hot and basically flirted with him constantly. Every message was coupled with cute smiley faces and all. I was so distraught I asked her "what are these messages about?" and she had the shocked look on her face and I walked downstairs while she chased me bawling her eyes out. She explained to me that it wouldn't happen again and that she was very sorry.
Bam. You also actually tell her that you just read her messages. (IF you somehow get to read messages like this, don't talk about it with her. Be aware of it and start working on it.)
Now you're also starting to fall into the role of the victim. You first invade her privacy, then you are all butthurt about the stuff you found and try to run from the situation. She, at this point, is already not sure of your relationship. She is torn between staying with you (which still feels nice and kinda cool) and having the thoughts of "what if...?". This is in most relationships the last possible turning point to get things rolling again.
I didn't want to break up with her because at that time, we had been doing really well. She was planning on taking me to Utah on a snowboarding trip and all so I knew the advantages of staying with her. So I sucked it up and accepted the fact that my GF emotionally cheated on me and forgave her.
No, you weren't. However, you were too blind to see it. I'm pretty confident in saying that you didn't have a satisfying sexual relationship for her at least at that point, either in quantity and/or quality. To put it into more specific wording, I'm pretty sure you had lots and lots of comfort and trust (stuff like sharing things, doing stuff together and enjoying each others company, but you lacked attraction in general. Things like being confident, cool, the shoulder to lean on and having a solid sexual relationship. The pure fact that she was flirting with other guys (I assure you, she was looking out for other subjects as well) shows that she was not happy and/or satisfied with your relationship.
Judging from your tone of writing and the things you mention it most likely is not about trust/comfort, but about attraction.
So, you "sucked it up" and "accepted" that she "cheated" on you and you "forgave" her? Here, you're the fucking victim once again. You're the poor little guy that get's fucking raped by messages from some other guy she used to date. You basicly show that you wouldn't be able to stand up to this guy. Speaking of evolutionary values, you don't seem like someone that can protect her, care for her or someone that has a solid foundation/self image and self-confidence. You fucked up majorly on this one, both in action and attitude.
Fast forward to January of this year. I get into an argument with my girlfriend about pornography and she views it as the most disgusting thing in the world. She doesn't even seem to care to listen to what I have to say. She just has her view and if I don't back up, she starts crying, making me feel really bad and ultimately giving in to her. Plus, I knew pornography wasn't necessary because we were having a healthy sexual relationship. I guess the reason I wanted to watch pornography was because it allows me to look at hot women on the internet but not in real life. (idk if that makes any sense to you guys).
Just to randomly add it to not bash on you all the time (don't take it too harsh, I'm trying to help you here <3), your girlfriend has self-esteem issues as well. Also, she knows that you give in when she's going to cry. Yes, most women will use that as a weapon.
So, let me ask you.. do you enjoy watching porn? Can you say that despite watching porn you still want to f*** your girlfriend instead of random pornostars? Can you say that it is no danger at all for your relationship? Yes? Then fucking don't stop doing it. ... Since probably some people will be like "butbut.. her feelings, relationships consist of compromises...!!" - Yes, they do. However, you misjudged the situation completely.
This is not about you watching pornography. This is about her not being sure about her attractiveness. She feels replaced and less worth than other women if she compares herself to them.
The correct way to approach this situation is to properly and calmly bring her to tell how she feels when she knows you're watching porn. (Note: What she feels, not what she thinks.) ... Then you can work on those things and the actual issue won't be a problem. The whole "I don't want you to watch porn" is a symptom, not the actual cause.
Anyway, we eventually get over the issue and I move onto campus my second semester of my sophomore year at college. The move is really difficult because I'll be on my own for the first time in college and I'll be away from her. My girlfriend is really distraught and bawls her eyes out asking me why I decided to move onto campus. (It was because my grades were dropping due to my inability to concentrate at home and not have any desire to commute 25mins to classes every day) She lets go of it eventually and I go home EVERY weekend during that semester to keep my GF happy. The school year ends for me and her.
Dingding. You do something you want to do, she "bawls her eyes out", you adjust and bow to her wishes. Seems repetetive? Yes, because it's a pattern that established itself in your relationship. I'm pretty sure this is not intentional on either side, however, this will ultimately be the end of every relationship. She is completely in control at this point.
We get into a new game for us called League of Legends, or better known as LoL. We are hooked and I buy $100 worth of riot points for both of us. She is happy because she wants to buy the skins for a lot of the female characters. A week afterwards, we go camping with a few of my friends. We smoke, drink, eat, and do all the college stuff on a camping trip. First night, we both get stoned and she enjoys it. (She was against it previously because she said she suffered from a seizure once). The second night, she doesn't get high and couple that with being on her period, she gets all upset. I, on the other hand, is blazed out of my mind and looks like a complete fool in front of her when she is completely sober. She freaks me out and I start panicking, thinking that she will break up with me right then because she saw me in this delirious state. We get back home and resolve the issue. We conclude that if she got high, she wouldn't have overreacted the way she did. However, she wants me to hold off until we are both in college or she feels more comfortable. I say okay because it's only a few months until we are in college together.
Same thing as with the messages. You are so fucking afraid of losing her that you won't be able to keep her. You, once again, resolve the issue by logic, not by emotion. What happens? She get's her will once again.
Few days later, we are in my room together. I step out of my shower, and she is laying in my bed saying she has a headache. I ask her what's wrong and she says "I'm losing romantic feelings for you" and my heart drops. I ask her why? And here are the two reasons that she's told me why: 1) She wants to meet other guys. Thinking about making out with a guy turns her on. 2) She thinks our relationship has become too much like friendship.
Bam. After bullshit going on in her head for about half a year she finally verbalizes the issue. No, she's not losing "romantic feelings" for her. "Friendship" means "I like (maybe even love) you very much, however, I have no interest in fucking you."
Let me sum up what's going on at the moment: -You are unsecure, afraid and have not a lot of self-confidence. -She is unsecure, does not have a lot of self-confidence -She is apprently attracted to other guys, however actually tells you this before she just runs off.
Part of the reason why I decided to answer this whole thing in-depth (other people get charged for this, <3 TL) is that she seems like a decent girl, however unsure and insecure. The thing is, she's the damn girl. She can be like that. You're the guy. You're supposed to work things out. To be sure when she's not. The whole rock in the storm thing and all.
From here there are a few things you can do (and despite knowing how horribly it is of me to actually tell you this, I see a few ways to resolve this positively).
-Work on yourself. Get hobbies, go out. Flirt with girls. You are young, possibly not the ugliest person in the world. Find out what other people like about you and find out what you like about yourself.
-When you read "resolve this positively", your first thought was "positively = keeping the relationship with her", right? Get back to the mindset that she won't be the last possible girl in your life. You have so much ahead of you and she is definitly not the only fucking woman in the entire world you can live happily with. - In case you disagree, fuck off, I just wasted 40 minutes of my life.
-The things you perceive as "stunts" from her side are her being insecure or unsure of what to do. She doesn't have a lot of experience either. Stop blaming her. Start blaming yourself. Take responsibility.
-The hotfix I personally recommend might sound weird at first, but it might get the "spark" going again. Get into the mindset of "I'm going to fuck her and dump her". Try to get somewhat emotionally distanced from the whole thing as much as possible. When you meet her, try asking her something along the lines "What does turn you on about making out with other guys?" while having a dirty grin on your face. Get her to talk about what she enjoys and start making out during it. Be offensive, a little bit "stormy" even. After the sex (I kinda assume you never did this kind of stuff with her) talk with her that you feel so dumb for not caring about what she enjoys in bed and that you totally "can't let her go" before trying some things. (Sound like someone who wants to play the SC2 campaign with marines only before selling it for good). Get her curious. Get her to spill the beans about what could "trying" possibly mean. Get fantasies out of her.
-In case the above advice fails because she blocks one of the stages (making out/having sex) I recommend getting out as clearly as you can. Don't be the whimp crawling for her (she'll expect that), but be more around like "Oh, well, I'd have loved to try some things with you while it lasts but I guess it shouldn't be that way" (make sure she gets that "things" is meant in a sexual context. Add like "in bed" if you're not sure you can bring it right. Make sure to add "I think we can do fine just being friends, don't you?" (If you don't say it, she will, then you're fucked). Project an image of "It was cool with you, I don't regret anything and I still like you and wish you the best of luck.
Then break contact until she crawls back. Be busy. Meet with friends. Flirt. Be outgoing and happy when around the same friendcircle as well. Talk well about her. Get "dates" with her again after 1-2 weeks of this (if she got a new guy during that time, once again, you're fucked, give up). Don't call them dates. Hang out and have fun. Get her to meet solo and somehow get her aroused and start all over.
Feel free to add in any questions you have on my comments, some might seem weird, however also mostly accurate for sure. (;
We get into a new game for us called League of Legends, or better known as LoL. We are hooked and I buy $100 worth of riot points for both of us. She is happy because she wants to buy the skins for a lot of the female characters. A week afterwards, we go camping with a few of my friends. We smoke, drink, eat, and do all the college stuff on a camping trip. First night, we both get stoned and she enjoys it. (She was against it previously because she said she suffered from a seizure once). The second night, she doesn't get high and couple that with being on her period, she gets all upset. I, on the other hand, is blazed out of my mind and looks like a complete fool in front of her when she is completely sober. She freaks me out and I start panicking, thinking that she will break up with me right then because she saw me in this delirious state. We get back home and resolve the issue. We conclude that if she got high, she wouldn't have overreacted the way she did. However, she wants me to hold off until we are both in college or she feels more comfortable. I say okay because it's only a few months until we are in college together.
Same thing as with the messages. You are so fucking afraid of losing her that you won't be able to keep her. You, once again, resolve the issue by logic, not by emotion. What happens? She get's her will once again.
I think you're missing the most telling point of that paragraph, which is that he spent $100 on League of Legends! Like, if you're not buying anything and just playing for free, fine, I could see why you'd prefer it to Heroes of Newerth. But $100? Are you kidding me?! At that point, just buy two HoN accounts and have access to all the game content and a higher level of play AND, this will be cheaper than spending a hundred quid on SKINS for the limited selection of free and purchased characters that LoL has. Like, seriously dude, if you're gonna sink that much money into a game, buy an actual game.
On June 30 2011 04:50 r.Evo wrote: Yes, that relationship is about 80% done. However, no one has posted proper information as to WHY it is most likely done
It's done because she had the "I want to see other people, you feel like a friend to me" talk. That's a breakup. At this point, if he keeps trying to treat her like a girlfriend, she's going to say "wtf, I broke up with him, why is he doing this?"
On June 30 2011 04:50 r.Evo wrote: Yes, that relationship is about 80% done. However, no one has posted proper information as to WHY it is most likely done
It's done because she had the "I want to see other people, you feel like a friend to me" talk. That's a breakup. At this point, if he keeps trying to treat her like a girlfriend, she's going to say "wtf, I broke up with him, why is he doing this?"
Wrong, a relationship is done when someone says "I'm done." - They are still meeting and talking. 'nuff said.
Edit: Actually, a relationship is done when one party refused to have sexual relations with the other. Since OP didn't say he tried whether she would, it's not done yet. =P
On June 30 2011 04:50 r.Evo wrote: Part of the reason why I decided to answer this whole thing in-depth (other people get charged for this, <3 TL) is that she seems like a decent girl, however unsure and insecure. The thing is, she's the damn girl. She can be like that. You're the guy. You're supposed to work things out. To be sure when she's not. The whole rock in the storm thing and all.
I wouldn't want to be with a girl if she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. Flirting with other guys secretly like she did is a pretty big issue in my opinion, and I'd treat it as cheating on me. Mentally cheating. This girl is mentally cheating all over you. You watching porn is mentally cheating all over her. You got what you deserved.
I suggest confronting her about this with the intention of asking her the question of whether or not she wants to stay with you, and wants what is best for you despite herself (assuming you want to stay with her and choose what is best for her despite yourself). If she doesn't want to stay and work through the problems with you, or is iffy and doesn't give a solid answer in a reasonable amount of time, move on -don't waste either your two's time.
On June 30 2011 04:59 r.Evo wrote: Wrong, a relationship is done when someone says "I'm done." - They are still meeting and talking. 'nuff said.
I don't know who you've been dating, but the specific language she used is what people I know hear when their partner wants to break up but wants to put a nice face on it.
Maybe it's a cultural difference and German women are more direct.
yup... bang her one more time then leave. my real advice is don't feel rushed. when you see her it shouldn't be: "so.. have you decided" it should just be "sup". acting like your hanging on her word isn't gonna do anything. acting indifferent is really sexy.
you never really said what you want. or are you asking should you stay or should you go?
Don't want to be with a girl unless she's sure she wants to be with you? Then don't bother dating girls unless they are 25+ and have been fucked over by enough guys that they know exactly what they want. It's completely normal for young people to not be sure what they want, girls included.
Try watching some porn, 'accidentally' getting caught, and then try to have sex with her at least once more. Then, if the relationship isn't going well, end it. Trust me, i was in a three year on-and-off relationship with a girl once. Sex was always great, but she would always, towards the midpoint of the current relationship we were in, lose interest in sex. Then she eventually turned lesbian, and after a month or two of me being 'NOOOOOOOOO I STILL WANT YOU', I was fine. I'm not exactly looking for a girl at the moment, but, at least i know that I'm fine without her.
She was a crazy bitch, now that i look back. Don't know how I even dated that very pretty girl in the first place. At least I now know that I like redheads and shorter women.
Hmmm.... Well it sounds to me like there are some serious issues with the way she (and maybe you?) approach a romantic relationship. A healthy relationship is one that is built around the cultivation of genuine love for that other person (as opposed to satisfying some need). The only way that this sort of romantic relationship can work is if you are also friends. The way I usually put it is that if you're best friend is not the person you are marrying then you probably need to re-evaluate how you approach a romantic relationship with the opposite sex. In other words, unless there is an incredible friendship based upon mutual respect and trust at the heart of your romantic relationship, chances are its not a healthy relationship.
If your girlfriend told you she feels your relationship is becoming too much like a friendship, there are two possible ways that could be interpreted. First, she could simply be saying that the romantic feelings are gone and that only the friendship remains. Or, she could be saying that in addition to the romantic feelings, she is starting to experience feelings of friendship and that makes her uncomfortable. The later means that she has a fundamental misunderstanding of the way a healthy relationship works. Either way, she's a junior in high school so to expect her to fully understand what a healthy romantic relationship looks like at that point in her life might be an unreasonable expectation.
Whether or not an unhealthy relationship is okay is something you will have to decide. For example if your relationship is still full of love and a great friendship but one of you makes a mistake (such as the emotional cheating incident you talked about, the unhealthy watching of porn, etc...) that damages the trust between you two then the relationship isn't a healthy one but it might be worth repairing. Whether it is possible to repair it and whether it is worth it are calls you two and only you two can and will/would have to make.
Presumably, the purpose of having romantic relationships is in an attempt to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you do not see your relationship possibly ever moving in that direction it probably isn't worth your time. Is a relationship worth continuing if the chances of that happening are low? I don't know the answer to that question. I would be inclined to say no but there are things I can identify as potentially unhealthy that do not cause so much damage that they are things I would avoid if they offer some potential benefit. A largely unhealthy relationship can still teach a person things, especially if it has some elements of a healthy relationship.
If the problem is a less than mature view of what good relationship looks like (and only you could possibly know that as the only other person in the relationship), I can tell you from my own experience dating a girl younger than myself for a good period of time that when someone doesn't have a mature perspective it is probably draining more of your emotional stability and strength than it is worth at this time. That's not to say that you two might not be able to have a healthy relationship sometime in the future but it does mean that she probably isn't ready for a real relationship at this point in her life.
If she does understand what a healthy relationship is (love and friendship that are not inwardly focused) and she feels like the romance is gone then you two have to decide whether its possible to rekindle that romance and whether or not you think it is worth the emotional effort it would require.
Hope that helps. If you're interested, a good book to check out is: The Four Loves
On June 30 2011 04:03 McKTenor13 wrote: You both are very young. Girls change big time when they go into college. They want to party, they want to be sluts for a couple years because they know they'll never be able to do it again. You can't do anything about it. The healthy thing to do is date other girls. Have as many experiences as you can. High school relationships never last.
Think of it as a good thing and how much you've learned from this relationship. You'll find another great girl out there.
They also tend to get fat, as witnessed by 80% of the girls I knew from high school.
Man, read your post. The whole relationship track just sucks as much as it rocks. I've got some advice which hopefully you'll find helpful. Didn't look at timeframes because whether or not it happened I think it would be good for you to read through. fuck today is wed. isn't it...hopefully I'm in time!
I promise you from the depths of my soul that what I tell you will help you and make you a better person. I can't promise that you'll keep the girl, but you will be satisfied and feel better.
You need to do what is best for you.
I'll explain in detail further down. If this is causing you so much stress that you're having physical pain, you need to act. I assume its mainly anxiety, although theres anger/sadness too.
1) You can't control this girl. To make your goal "I want HER as my gf" means she has complete control over your happiness. She's taking up a lot of your time, freedom, and energy. For you, not for her, you need to fix this. Acknowledge that you have no control over how this ends up. You have no control over what she does, and you never will. Setting goals on it is silly. Wasting energy and time worrying about it is just unnecessary suffering.
But you do have influence over your life. That's the key difference. Your actions will in turn affect hers. So you must do what is best for you, and she her.
2) Anxiety, you can't let impulse control you. You can't reason it out if you don't follow #1. You have to release the courage inside you to act to make your situation better. In this case, the best thing you can do for yourself is focus on getting back your
time, (the raw time in your day you dedicate to her and not to yourself)
decision-making power (you're waiting on HER to decide on WED? that's only her power to have over you if you let her) and
your energy. you're spending it on this and stressing/worrying about girls can be really fucking exhausting. It's just a spiral, it eats you alive. I know.
3) All the anger and sadness you have inside of you needs to be let out or else it will turn into depression. Don't lash out, its immature, stupid, just makes you feel better short-term. your goal is a happier you for life, not just 5 mins. What you need to do, for yourself and your own well-being, is assert yourself--your feelings, your thoughts, your desires, everything. You can do this by being honest.
You need to fight, you need to act, but not for her or your relationship--for YOU. This means that you have to talk with her and be BRUTALLY HONEST about everything. And you have to know some things going in
-If this relationship doesn't help you, doesn't function in your life, you're saying goodbye. -The way your relationship is going right now it's not working. -Define what you want in your life right now. (Family, Education, Friends...significant other who adds to your life) -When you talk with her, you can't speak in evaluative language. You can't judge. When you do that, you're playing a role--the role you think you should be playing, the role which shields you from true feeling, the role which taxes your energies because you try so hard to maintain it you don't even realize its running in the background. When you talk with her, you must acknowledge that whatever role that is, whatever it was, whatever it was going to be--it will die. You will be nervous, you will be fretting, it will a decision on your part--a courageous one which will destroy all the anger, anxiety and stress inside of you. But when you do it, once you start, you will know you're alive. If you do it, you'll know what I mean.
If you choose to make your life better, you will talk to her and you will be honest. You will feel and describe everything. Hold nothing back. When you speak from yourself, when you come out from behind your role, you will be unshielded from emotion. You can be hurt, you can be touched, you can be moved. But when you walk away, you will leave behind the crumpled shell of the person you thought you should be that dragged your life down to where it is. If you want to keep this girl, if you want to win the war, you must drop your shield and charge fully prepared to die.
When you've demonstrated you have the courage to be hurt, to fight, to love, she will have no choice but to abandon her role, her shield. You two will meet, and you will talk. She will feel, and you'll have the most meaningful communication of your lives. I fucking guarantee this.
To man up, to be yourself is to do this. Its to approach, pursue, fight, take it and dish it out. You must talk to her, and you must be honest with her. But you need to prepare for war before you fight.
realize and know #1.
How to Communicate When you engage her, you're committed. Your goal is to make your life better with or without her. You'd like her, but you don't need her. Don't back out, don't zone out, you're there fight for your relationship, may sound silly but its true, to fight for your life.
Tell her what you're going to make your life. Tell her where she'll fit in. Tell her all your secrets, everything you feel about her, and make it brutal and honest. When you speak with honesty, she will be moved. She will feel whether she wants to or not.
You must know what you want your life to be like. This sounds really up in the air, but its really technical and miniscule. You want a permanent state of contentment and satisfaction.
Describe it. Say "when this happened, I felt like this." describe it. don't try to make it sound better, it is what it is. you will release it from yourself, you will have the courage to draw back and fire an arrow.
If she can't be honest back with you after, and you don't feel it, she's hiding something BIG. She's not ready for you. Until she can, your relationship can't move forward. When you speak to her she knows how she feels about you AND SHE WILL FEEL IT, I GUARANTEE, and how you feel about her. But if she can't come out from behind her shield, you'll leave that battlefield and return IF and WHEN she can.
less metaphorical talk with her in a place with no distractions, maybe even public. don't build it up beforehand, just say "hey can you meet @#@#$ at @#%#%? I want to talk with you about something." meet her, and dig in. Start with what you want, then how you felt.
don't place blame on her. you are responsible for all the circumstances in your life even if you can't control them.
if you have any other questions let me know. any advice or whatever on "how it should be" or "maybe this is because" is bullshit. fuck that. I promise you from the depths of my soul that what I tell you will help you and make you a better person. I can't promise that you'll keep the girl, but you will be satisfied and feel better.
Above all else, you must be honest and courageous. Courage is going with a decision despite fear. I know you can. But if you choose not to, I have nothing to say to you.
r.Evo maybe you want to take another look because they started when she was a High School Junior (16) and he was a Freshman in College (18). She's younger, thus less mature in the ways of the dating world and most likely unknowing of what she wants. She's too young OP and it's just a symptom of her age to want to experiment. It sucks but such is life, you should be the one to do it just part amicably as soon as possible.
In all honesty, it's a good idea to just move on. Take what you've learned, keep your confidence up, and keep looking. It sucks, but you might actually find better. I remember some hard breakups, but in the end, the woman I ended up marrying was actually a million times better for me than all those other girls, and it was so obvious when I finally met her.
On June 30 2011 04:50 r.Evo wrote: Part of the reason why I decided to answer this whole thing in-depth (other people get charged for this, <3 TL) is that she seems like a decent girl, however unsure and insecure. The thing is, she's the damn girl. She can be like that. You're the guy. You're supposed to work things out. To be sure when she's not. The whole rock in the storm thing and all.
I wouldn't want to be with a girl if she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. Flirting with other guys secretly like she did is a pretty big issue in my opinion, and I'd treat it as cheating on me. Mentally cheating. This girl is mentally cheating all over you. You watching porn is mentally cheating all over her. You got what you deserved.
I suggest confronting her about this with the intention of asking her the question of whether or not she wants to stay with you, and wants what is best for you despite herself (assuming you want to stay with her and choose what is best for her despite yourself). If she doesn't want to stay and work through the problems with you, or is iffy and doesn't give a solid answer in a reasonable amount of time, move on -don't waste either your two's time.
Flirting secretly? You'd do the same if your partner would be all over you if you would have done it in public. It's mentally cheating to flirt with someone? Please lock up your partner at all times to avoid them cheating on you.
Watching porn is mentally cheating? So, wait, jerking off is, too? Watching the legs of that hot blonde walking past your table is cheating, too? Please, apply your thoughts to life.
Confronting her and talking about it would be being all butthurt once again. You don't talk about staying with her. You decide what you want and take action. The whole "Uh, let's talk about whether we want to continue our relationship or not" will turn any girl off. Relationships are decided by emotions, not by logic.
On June 30 2011 04:59 r.Evo wrote: Wrong, a relationship is done when someone says "I'm done." - They are still meeting and talking. 'nuff said.
I don't know who you've been dating, but the specific language she used is what people I know hear when their partner wants to break up but wants to put a nice face on it.
Maybe it's a cultural difference and German women are more direct.
I don't know who you've been dating, but I had sex with lots of girls who agreed on us just being friends. Actually I had a time where I started by telling all girls I wanted to hook up with that I want to be "just friends". Worked surprisingly well but you have to be a little sneaky at times. =P
Yeah, it's pretty likely that it's the whole "flower-talk" to tell him it's over. The point is, just because she says it's over does not mean it is. It's the same as saying "You're not my type" or "You're too young/old/fat/thin for me". You either say "Okay, I'm sorry, I won't ever talk to you again" or you laugh it off and get stuff going anyway.
Self-confidence is the most sexy thing you can present to a girl/women.
@KurtistheTurtle: 1) and 2) are very solid, however i think most people will get 3) wrong and come off totally whiney and "emo". I'm pretty sure you don't intend him doing a big "oh gawd my life will suck now without you and thats how I feel"-speech. Once again: talking results in a non-sexual relation which results in not getting the chick. Quite simple.
Edit: Damn you, USA. Mixed up the age. Most of the stuff I posted should apply to the age of 16 on the girl side anyway, however more emphasize on her unconciously trying to get into control and her feeling less secure. A solid partnership that stops her from pulling that random drama during that age will help her get rid of those issues pretty quickly.
It sucks but these things happen. You seem like a mature and thoughtful guy, and sometimes you can't do anything about it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try your best to preserve the relationship if it's meaningful.
EDIT: Lots of really well thought out responses here, I'm going to read it after I get off work.
Just evaluate very simply. Are you happy? You only have 80 or 90 years to live..which means you are already about 1/4th of the way through your life. If you can have one thing to claim about your life that you accomplished, what would it be? I don't know about you, but I'd like to be able to say that I was happy...or tried to make myself happy.
Right now, it sounds like you aren't happy. It sounds like you haven't been happy for a while. It sounds like she isn't happy either. If neither of you are happy being with each other, then it's clear that you need to start trying to do something that makes you happy-either a drastic change in your relationship or break it off.
The rest being put aside, it sounds like she's a little emotionally young for you. When women mature into college age and older, they begin to lose that fascination with the so-called bad boys. She's flirtatious with her ex, who was kicked out of his school for fighting? That's the equivalent of an adult woman choosing an ex-felon over you. It just doesn't really happen for a reason...older women need mature, supportive men who are on their level emotionally. If she's still fascinated by the bad boys instead of gravitating towards more mature men, she's too young for you.
And although it WAS wrong to read her messages, I understand the temptation presented when you have an opportunity like that in that kind of circumstance. You think you're just gonna change her status, and then you wonder what's in her messages, and then....one thing leads to another. It wasn't like you were skulking around looking for a chance to grab her phone.
dump her, she'll come back eventually, when she does don't spend as much time with her - like that camping trip with your friends, she shouldn't have been there - that's man time, you take your man time and she knows specifically she can't go, and she will spend the whole time thinking about you
Stop stressing out. Seems odd you should have to see a cardiologist when you're young as fuck. Which leads me to my next point.
You two are growing up. These sound like the problems of relationships of so many other young couples. Play it out, learn what you can, do what you feel. Just don't act a fool.
On June 30 2011 05:44 r.Evo wrote: I don't know who you've been dating, but I had sex with lots of girls who agreed on us just being friends. Actually I had a time where I started by telling all girls I wanted to hook up with that I want to be "just friends". Worked surprisingly well but you have to be a little sneaky at times. =P
It's a little different when you've been seeing someone monogamously for a year and a half. Yes, that kind of conversation may not mean it's over forever, but it's a crystal-clear breakup line for right now.
hmm your relationship is basically over, actually it was over from that time Carl came back TBH move on from this girl if she sees it as a friendship now maybe youll work better as friends, obviously you wont be friends just saying =D!
On June 30 2011 06:05 Grim_Reaver wrote: Just evaluate very simply. Are you happy? You only have 80 or 90 years to live..which means you are already about 1/4th of the way through your life. If you can have one thing to claim about your life that you accomplished, what would it be? I don't know about you, but I'd like to be able to say that I was happy...or tried to make myself happy.
Right now, it sounds like you aren't happy. It sounds like you haven't been happy for a while. It sounds like she isn't happy either.
QFT. This man is right. They aren't happy. This is because they've been playing LoL instead of HoN. OP could have easily bought 2 copies of HoN instead of spending 100$'s worth of Riot Points in LoL.
I recently broke up with my gf, in a somewhat similar fashion. The key step in accepting this was to say to myself: "She doesn't appreciate you for what you're worth. It's her bad, you shouldn't even be angry, but feel sorry for her, can she really do better?" We're friends now and it's working fine. Good luck, the first few days are hard. But if you can get your mindset to what I described, you're going to be okay. And eventually, if you feel the need of "winning" over her since she broke up with you and not the other way around, this is the best way to go also... Although that's not my case.
On June 30 2011 04:50 r.Evo wrote: Part of the reason why I decided to answer this whole thing in-depth (other people get charged for this, <3 TL) is that she seems like a decent girl, however unsure and insecure. The thing is, she's the damn girl. She can be like that. You're the guy. You're supposed to work things out. To be sure when she's not. The whole rock in the storm thing and all.
I wouldn't want to be with a girl if she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. Flirting with other guys secretly like she did is a pretty big issue in my opinion, and I'd treat it as cheating on me. Mentally cheating. This girl is mentally cheating all over you. You watching porn is mentally cheating all over her. You got what you deserved.
I suggest confronting her about this with the intention of asking her the question of whether or not she wants to stay with you, and wants what is best for you despite herself (assuming you want to stay with her and choose what is best for her despite yourself). If she doesn't want to stay and work through the problems with you, or is iffy and doesn't give a solid answer in a reasonable amount of time, move on -don't waste either your two's time.
Confronting her and talking about it would be being all butthurt once again. You don't talk about staying with her. You decide what you want and take action. The whole "Uh, let's talk about whether we want to continue our relationship or not" will turn any girl off. Relationships are decided by emotions, not by logic.
Whatever. I'm in a nice relationship myself for about a year now, and we talk about things all the time. Some girls are attracted to people that try to settle things maturely, rather than relying on matching her perfect ideals.
On June 30 2011 03:33 Kentor wrote: Bang her one more time then leave.
This guy has a star for quality posting so i thought it should be QFT.
Seriously, if she's losing feelings for you, then things seem to be over. It is eventually going to result in heartbreak if you can't recognise it now. Sure you may get another good week, month or even a year but if she keeps "wandering" then things are going to end ugly. As retarded as it sounds; there a ton more other girls out there - one's that will appreciate you and the things you may do for them.
For example; i was in a relationship where i thought i was madly in love! Thought she was the girl of my dreams; all of a sudden one day she says "i don't feel the same way anymore" .. i was broken - thought that was it for my dating life. 4 months later i stumble across this beautiful girl, and 5 years later we are engaged.
My boyfriend and I have had a couple of issues. We've worked through them, been together since Dec 8 2009. Some have been harder than others and there was a point where I thought I stopped loving him. I decided I wanted to go abroad. Immediately after, I regretted it.
In doing this, I discovered I actually did still love him and now I'm happier than I was before. Maybe your girlfriend is like this as well. Maybe she just needs a reminder.
I'm sure you'd like top hear things like 'it'll work out etc..' the other posters pretty much summed it up. There are ways to bring up the 'losing feeling for you things' but wtf I've never heard the 'making out with other people turns me on' one. True or not who the fuck actually tells there partner that lol..
Anyway you seem like a good guy so I'm sure you'll find a better girl, lot's of girls in the world ^^
When you get to the point where you take a break or set up all kinds of silly rules you know its over. People make the mistake of dragging it out and hurting themselves more, but I don't think its worth it. The whole ordeal is really just drawing out a breakup. I prefer to cut things off quick and clean. Day[9] put it quite well when he proposed his breakup plan where you just pretty much say to a girl "I know we're in love and everything, but do you wanna just be enemies from now on?". Plus once you get back into the single scene you can pick yourself back up based on the sudden revelation that you have a ton of freedom, can do stupid shit with your bros and generally fuck around. Then you'll get bored with that and find a new girl and start all over.
Thanks guys for all the responses so far. I spoke to her and she told me that she had started to have feelings for a friend of mine that she met while playing LoL (I am not trolling anyone here at all, being completely fucking serious). I blew up on her and told her to GTFO, but she wouldn't leave. She eventually left after we talked things over maturely and we decided that we didn't want to end it just yet, but the more I think about it, the more I want to. When I'm with her, I don't want to end it, but when I'm away, I do want to end it. I am most likely going to end it later tonight somehow. It's just really painful to be reminded of the good times we've had and everything we've done together. It's hard just to ignore all that and call it quits after working so hard to get past all the other past events. Thanks again for the deep/thoughtful responses. More comments, responses, suggestions, tips, whatever the fuck it may be, are accepted with gratitude. I'll need some help getting through this..
On June 30 2011 10:23 Zidane wrote: Is it just me or are more and more girls playing LoL looking for male attention?
hey, I only call it League of Dildos because I just refer to things that are crappy as "that was dildos" or "this weather ams dildos"
But if I have another reason to back my name up, I'm down.
For reals though, sorry to hear it. If you're still unsure whether you want to keep things together or not, just take a break from each other. Give it a while to simmer down and then you can decide to try things again if you both want, or by then you'll be separated from her and happy about it.
Well it's a little too late. The thing with highschool girls is that they want new things. They are maturing at a fast rate so you gotta be careful about what you give and what you don't give. You can't be super submissive but you also can't be that ignorant of her needs. From your story it sounds like if she's pissed, she gets what she wants but if you're pissed it works out easily and doesn't bother you as much. You guys should really be playing on the same level. If she gives you crap about something, just balance it out and make sure you aren't her bitch. If there's something you're not offering her that she wants, you can slowly give it to her. You need to keep her wanting. From what it looks like you should just let her go. Pretend like it doesn't really bother you and it can possibly work out again in the future. This is your only option. Give her no real emotional response. This will at least give you a chance to make her want something from you again. If you try to cling on, it's game over.
On June 30 2011 10:14 AyeH wrote: Thanks guys for all the responses so far. I spoke to her and she told me that she had started to have feelings for a friend of mine that she met while playing LoL (I am not trolling anyone here at all, being completely fucking serious). I blew up on her and told her to GTFO, but she wouldn't leave. She eventually left after we talked things over maturely and we decided that we didn't want to end it just yet, but the more I think about it, the more I want to. When I'm with her, I don't want to end it, but when I'm away, I do want to end it. I am most likely going to end it later tonight somehow. It's just really painful to be reminded of the good times we've had and everything we've done together. It's hard just to ignore all that and call it quits after working so hard to get past all the other past events. Thanks again for the deep/thoughtful responses. More comments, responses, suggestions, tips, whatever the fuck it may be, are accepted with gratitude. I'll need some help getting through this..
Don't be a pussy. Dump her as hard as possible. Also, after you do so, you will have a period of time where you're utterly convinced you will never be happy again without her in your life. This is a retarded feeling and completely not true. Do not give into it. This feeling does not mean you love the girl. Love doesn't even matter. What matters is practicality. And this girl is practically dirt to you. Remember that and be strong. She is your enemy. Never forget that.
On June 30 2011 10:14 AyeH wrote: Thanks guys for all the responses so far. I spoke to her and she told me that she had started to have feelings for a friend of mine that she met while playing LoL (I am not trolling anyone here at all, being completely fucking serious). I blew up on her and told her to GTFO, but she wouldn't leave. She eventually left after we talked things over maturely and we decided that we didn't want to end it just yet, but the more I think about it, the more I want to. When I'm with her, I don't want to end it, but when I'm away, I do want to end it. I am most likely going to end it later tonight somehow. It's just really painful to be reminded of the good times we've had and everything we've done together. It's hard just to ignore all that and call it quits after working so hard to get past all the other past events. Thanks again for the deep/thoughtful responses. More comments, responses, suggestions, tips, whatever the fuck it may be, are accepted with gratitude. I'll need some help getting through this..
See? I told you. If you were playing HoN, your GF wouldn't have met that dude. Actually since everybody playing HoN is a tryhard, she probably wouldn't have been very attracted. Not much room for flirting when there is a serious game to be played!
On June 30 2011 10:14 AyeH wrote: Thanks guys for all the responses so far. I spoke to her and she told me that she had started to have feelings for a friend of mine that she met while playing LoL (I am not trolling anyone here at all, being completely fucking serious). I blew up on her and told her to GTFO, but she wouldn't leave. She eventually left after we talked things over maturely and we decided that we didn't want to end it just yet, but the more I think about it, the more I want to. When I'm with her, I don't want to end it, but when I'm away, I do want to end it. I am most likely going to end it later tonight somehow. It's just really painful to be reminded of the good times we've had and everything we've done together. It's hard just to ignore all that and call it quits after working so hard to get past all the other past events. Thanks again for the deep/thoughtful responses. More comments, responses, suggestions, tips, whatever the fuck it may be, are accepted with gratitude. I'll need some help getting through this..
If she told you that, its time to let it go. Of course you feel a bit bitter now, some regrets etc, but once you let it go you will have a relief and back on your track for the next good thing.
Every long relation will leave with a not so pleasure taste once it comes to an end, esp when you have feeling/love for her. But still, I don't think this can work out if you continue to stay in it. It only will makes you feel for pain and unjust.
Like you said, there are better fishes out there and you seems like a generous guy, so I don't think you have problem score yourself some of them :D.
You're going to hate yourself if you break off your relationship without attempting to keep it going. Fight for it, or come back a week later, quote my post and tell me I'm right. It's up to you.
Now it just seems like you are allowing her to get away with liking and wanting other people by still wanting to be with her. She is going to walk all over you and you need to just tell her to fuck off and right before she gets in the car and drives away say, "hope he buys you 100$ in LoL, bitch."
In all seriousness, get out before you get into this rut where you are trying to repair the situation that is unrepairable. Find someone who makes you happy, doesn't stress you out and is good in bed.
Move on, find another girl. If this one still has feelings for you, she'll come back to you and you can tell her how happy you are in your new relationship/friends with benefits/videogame addiction/free time, whatever floats your boat..
Like Curu said, every relationship comes to the point where you feel that you are "just" glorified friends who have sex. You're young, you don't have to see this one through. There are other fish in the sea and you'll find another gal to love. Don't worry about that. So, with the worries of being Forever Alone out of your mind, think about this:
The girl you eventually decide to spend the rest (or large parts) of your life with, will also have this freakout. Most of them (guys too) go through this when the relationship goes from "oooh I'm so in loooove" to "I love this woman, she is my best friend!". It's supposed to happen. I think it hardwired into our brain so that we don't go around being over our heads in love all the time. People do stupid, crazy shit when they're in that state. It's great for a while, but sooner or later it gets oooooold.
So, are you ready to go into "best friend lover"-mode or do you want more of the "lovey dovey first kiss"-kind of feelings? Not ready? Then your relationship with this girl is over, I'm sorry to say.
If you're ready, then you need to consider if she is. In this case, I'd say she's not ready and again, this relationship is probably over. She'll not be happy going around missing the "first kiss"-feeling all the time. She'll want the other stuff in time, but not yet. You're both young, you have time! Maybe she'll come back when she wants it, but probably not. Nor is it likely that you'll want her back.
Me, I always preferred the "best friend lover"-thing and once i found a girl that did too, I grabbed her and hung on for dear life. We had our moments of doubt, we even tried breaking up when it all became too "every day" even for us, but there was no use. We both just missed the hell out of being in a stable relationship so we started over and have been together for 12 years now. We're both 28. Crazy that.
So after a few days of thinking about it, I finally broke up with her. She didn't take it well. I realized that I can't let her walk all over me and that I deserve way better. I could live my life with a woman who I never have to worry about cheating on me. I chose to cut all contact for now with her. Thanks guys for the advice.
On July 05 2011 04:49 AyeH wrote: So after a few days of thinking about it, I finally broke up with her. She didn't take it well. I realized that I can't let her walk all over me and that I deserve way better. I could live my life with a woman who I never have to worry about cheating on me. I chose to cut all contact for now with her. Thanks guys for the advice.
Well done man. When u hook with another girl you will forget her quickly, it gets better with time.
Sometime down the road you will get the opportunity to bang her no strings attached, and it will be good.
honestly rather not go back to her ever again. she was good while it lasted, and sure it's awesome having a gf that games with you, but the way she treated me is something that she doesn't deserve to be forgiven for.
On July 05 2011 04:49 AyeH wrote: So after a few days of thinking about it, I finally broke up with her. She didn't take it well. I realized that I can't let her walk all over me and that I deserve way better. I could live my life with a woman who I never have to worry about cheating on me. I chose to cut all contact for now with her. Thanks guys for the advice.
Good job.
It's a lot better just ending it now rather than waiting to get cheated on. Trust me, I've been down that road before.
From the sounds of it, you two had a great relationship and it seems like its time for things to end. Don`t get too worked up about it, though, you`re in college! There are going to be plenty of pretty women in your future, who probably are less of a hassle this one was
Its obvious shes interested in other men, but that means you can now be interested in other women! Better ones! It`ll hurt at first, but that will go away and you`ll get back out there.