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United States22883 Posts
This evening, we were talking again, and he tells me that he thinks once he starts his new job, he will be in a much different place in his life and have no interest so much in mine, and will be wanting people he can relate to. He says he's not sure we should be friends, as my feelings about him don't seem to change no matter how shittily he treats me and maybe I will just be hurt more, but if we can make things just friends he's willing to try. I may be going out on a limb on this, but I think this is one of those stupid things young men say when they're trying to be responsible. It's idiotic and wrong, but he probably doesn't know that now. He's probably saying to himself that it's worth causing you pain as a friend, as long as he doesn't cause you future pain as a girlfriend, which is kind of a death sentence for things until he realizes he's wrong.
Sorry, but it sounds like you don't have much control over the relationship in the immediate future. I think you should stop and move on quickly. He'll regret saying that, but at this stage you should just take care of yourself.
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On May 27 2011 22:59 Jibba wrote:Show nested quote +This evening, we were talking again, and he tells me that he thinks once he starts his new job, he will be in a much different place in his life and have no interest so much in mine, and will be wanting people he can relate to. He says he's not sure we should be friends, as my feelings about him don't seem to change no matter how shittily he treats me and maybe I will just be hurt more, but if we can make things just friends he's willing to try. I may be going out on a limb on this, but I think this is one of those stupid things young men say when they're trying to be responsible. It's idiotic and wrong, but he probably doesn't know that now. He's probably saying to himself that it's worth causing you pain as a friend, as long as he doesn't cause you future pain as a girlfriend, which is kind of a death sentence for things until he realizes he's wrong. Sorry, but it sounds like you don't have much control over the relationship in the immediate future. I think you should stop and move on quickly. He'll regret saying that, but at this stage you should just take care of yourself.
Lol, it has always been my opinion that when people say-- I don't want to hurt you so ____ (insert hurtful thing here)-- they are just trying make themselves feel less guilty about their decision instead of owning it. So yeah I agree with you there.
A relationship of any kind takes two. If he doesn't want to be involved with me as a boyfriend or even just a friend, there is nothing I can do, and I understand that. Part of me wants him to realize he made a mistake after a while, but realistically, he is very stubborn, and maybe he is just not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship/needs to work through issues from prior relationships still. Just want to figure out how to get over him and move on to other things. I mean... obviously I put up with shit for a year, and I really care about him, so is hard to just be over him. Especially trying to maintain our close friendship simultaneously. >.>
I really appreciate the kind replies to this thread everyone. ^_^ They cheer me up a lot. 
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As a writer of a girl blog I find your story pretty interesting. I'm also going through something very similar right now although with several changeups. I'd reveal more but I'm saving that for my blog  , plus the story is far from over.
First of all, that "I don't want to ruin our friendship" thing is bull crap on Evan's part. If a guy is presented with a girl he gets along with and he finds her physically attractive, then she is slated into the 'potential girlfriend' category immediately unless there is something barring him from doing so. I'd immediately date any one of my female friends in that category if they were available.
Evan is an indecisive person, and that should be a very unattractive quality in a guy. A real man knows what he wants and, if he is able, goes after it. There are likely other factors to do with you that are making him indecisive. I don't know if it's you, or your family situation, or what, but something is barring him from committing directly to you. His career is also a major factor. His career is the sure-fire thing and you are not.
Trying to remain friends means that one of you is hanging on to something, hoping it will result in a relationship again one day. There is nothing wrong with that, but you should at least acknowledge the reason.
You could also try a full confession if you haven't already. Any man who liked a girl would kill for that, because it takes all the stupid uncertainty and beating-around-the-bush and completely removes it and the awkwardness that comes with it. If at that point he's still indecisive then I guess you're out of luck. Finding someone else should be pretty easy for you though: you're an engineer and you play Starcraft, which makes you instantly more interesting than most girls out there. If you're attractive too, you should have 0 trouble.
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soo much drama and complications Oo
simple question: what's your dream way for this to go?
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MisterD: Err dream way for this to go is Day9 appears out of nowhere in my blog and asks me to MLG Columbus. :D (Is there anyone sexier than that man?)
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Well send him a pic and ask him if he wouldn't by any chance like to take you? ;p I don't think he can do that if he's on the casting team though, but who knows
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I'm not sure what the exact timeline is but it looks like you could have been together for at least a year in school? I really think you guys should have tried that from the start as opposed to pushing and pulling and making things unnecessarily complicated. I think you already know if you could do it again you should give him an ultimatum. But those are lessons learned I suppose..
Going forward I'd say it doesn't look bright if you're far apart because you can never go back to that old platonic friendship and if you were to start a relationship now it would be an uphill battle because even though you've spent so much time together, your roles truly change when you're officially in a relationship. Just speaking from personal experience.
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On May 27 2011 23:27 TheGiz wrote:
If a guy is presented with a girl he gets along with and he finds her physically attractive, then she is slated into the 'potential girlfriend' category immediately unless there is something barring him from doing so.
not true, at all.
girlfriend != FWB/etc.
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should have written "suggests i asks you to ask me" but that's fine too.
(PS why is anything i can think of to not make this post a one-liner just rubbish? well i'll leave it at that then.)
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On May 28 2011 00:01 annul wrote:Show nested quote +On May 27 2011 23:27 TheGiz wrote:
If a guy is presented with a girl he gets along with and he finds her physically attractive, then she is slated into the 'potential girlfriend' category immediately unless there is something barring him from doing so. not true, at all. girlfriend != FWB/etc.
Lol I saw FWB as "forward base".
There's so much drama in this blog.
I actually don't see the big problem. Evan doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and he is leaving, all you can do is move on too. Just don't look back.
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On May 28 2011 00:13 MisterD wrote:
should have written "suggests i asks you to ask me" but that's fine too.
(PS why is anything i can think of to not make this post a one-liner just rubbish? well i'll leave it at that then.)
I agree. :p Still, will have to see if he responds, hahaha.
Writing has been helping me quite a bit..
To keep things short: My ex/gf/I don't know anymore is in Seatlle taking care of her mother, who's been having some medical issues. And we've kinda been the same way, Together, but not really, and then things are good again, and then they aren't....So a little different, but what I'm getting at is that sometimes life drags people who aren't totally over each other apart. I don't think she or I were totally over each other, or were ready to end things.
We never really broke up I don't think. Things have just petered out into talking once or twice a week. It was painful, initially. Personally, I use music mostly, but I also write a lot when I'm upset. Over anything, really. That or play Dwarf Fortress hahaha. FUN.
Just write about anything, something you like or are interested in. It'll keep your mind focused on a topic you enjoy, it'll cheer you up! I wrote a life story of a marine, once. This assumes that you enjoy writing stories and such.
Just...time, and keep yourself occupied. It's the idle time where your mind starts to wander and potentially brings old things back forth. Sooner or later you'll be able to think back on things and not get upset about it, but remember them as good memories! :D
PS - Love your hair. I'm jealous. :p
On May 28 2011 00:38 obesechicken13 wrote:Lol I saw FWB as "forward base".
Actually a girlfriend could kinda be like a forward base. First line of defense against mean people on the internet (oh yeah well I have a gf you stupid noob - I KNOW you guys have seen that bm...hopefully not done it) and as long as you don't lose it, you're way ahead! :p
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Well Red I am really sorry to to here about this. I guess I wont yell at you for a wile for brood lord rushing me. But bring the light in to the sinter of your being ... if you know ware sinter is ... ma by that would be a good place to start finding your sinter. Once you have balance within you then you can look out word .
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This might be the first "boy" blog I've read on TL. Kind of refreshing I suppose, since the content doesn't have to deal with a guy not having enough balls to make the next obvious move. Oh wait...
You said Evan broke up with his (now ex-)girlfriend of 4 years? That might have done more damage than anyone else can imagine. Sounds like he turned sort of misogynistic in all. I think I've had a similar experience. My ex-gf broke up with me in grade 12 (high school senior year) and because it was an one-sided breakup, I took a huge hit - and I pretty much messed around with whatever chick I could find in university for at least the first two years. Not that I could find a big flock (my major is engineering as well) but the point is, the concept of having another relationship just never sparked in my head/heart.
So it might take Evan more time to come together. For me it took just one strange moment to realize what a fool I was and how lonely I was inside in the past few years. If you truly want him with you (as a friend or more) in the future, I think giving him time is a good option. You could also get in touch with his close friends so that you don't lose contact completely. From what I've read it seems like you've done a lot for him during his hard times, and I believe he'll come to a realization sometime soon.
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I'm sad that things didn't work out. There are too few gamer couples out there, and even fewer successful ones.
I've tried the long distance thing several times before but it never worked out. My longest long distance relationship lasted for almost a year until she decided to break it off. Its tough to not be able to be there physically for someone you love. For us it was only a three hour drive, which wasn't a big problem at first, but it got more and more difficult as time went on. I think long term relationships are doable in the short term, but not the long.
Its sucks but I think the best way to go is to cut contact completely until both of you find someone else. After that it'll be easier to rekindle your friendship and establish boundaries. Thats what I did with the ex I mentioned above, and it worked out great for us. Five years later and she's still my best friend. It can get a bit difficult when we're both single but we make it work out.
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He's fucking you about and it isn't meant to be. Move on.
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Just adding my advice to the pile I guess. Just want to say that I think I know how you feel-- I was/am (more on this later) also in a long relationship, also shared a ton of interests so he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend, also had a "break-up" spurred by him moving away. The break-up wasn't completely shocking to me, but I still surprised myself by being extremely sad about it. Even though logically it made sense (and I try to be rational), I spent 16 hours a day with him and it's cute when you say, "I spend all my time with my bf" but not cute when you say, "I spend all my time alone," which I would essentially be doing because he was my gaming buddy.
So I know that it's a ridiculously large loss and now your free time just gaps before you and you feel really empty. From here there are 2 paths:
ONE:
If this is to be a real break-up, I suggest you follow my friend's lead (who exited a 4-yr long-distance relationship due to his gf's wishes, leaving him devastated) and make sure you spend most of your time with your friends/focusing on some goal (in his case, turtle-farming in FFXIII, ending with 100% completion of the game). Just something to fill the void of time your bf used to fill. Otherwise it's easy to become a messy goop of tears and emotions. Or:
TWO:
In my case, we got back together. The thing was, he literally moved back in a few days because the reason he moved (no job) disappeared (job!). Then we tried to be "just friends," but as someone stated above, that's really difficult with all the past history. Where are the boundaries? Eventually he wanted to get back together, but I was reserved because I don't like it when others waffle in and out of the same relationship. I ended up going on a vacation with another male friend (purely platonic--in fact, the aforementioned turtle-farmer) and after 1 week realized constant exposure to him was really annoying. Right, after 1 week I felt more negatively about him than I did about my bf after 4 years! (And I'd known them both for the same amount of time.) THAT'S when I realized that it's actually really, really hard to find a person you connect with, and quite honestly, can live with. So we got back together.
It depends on your evaluation of your relationship up til now. It seems as if Evan may not come back, so the first route may be advisable, but if you think it's really worth it and there's a chance Evan will grow up (right now he kind of seems like a waffler) then maybe keep in touch with him. But still look around and try to validate your position that Evan is "the one"--for me, that's what helped me decide.
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Red! i love you! :D
Keep strong! your going to be ok! your smart funny and super cool (is that creepy that i know that?!)
But for real just keep your head up, i know its a "religious" point of view but really, if God wants you two together he'll make it happen, i can tell he makes you happy and that he is a great guy! you just need to keep strong and smile.
Remember, RELAX! I've been told that by a really cool girl and she knows whats up 
So Red, in all i think you need to do what you really feel needs to happen and what is best for the both of you, i know it is a hard decision and i understand your pain!
You Got this girl!
CholmesInk!
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god damn females really do remember EVERYTHING. thanks for this, i'll watch what i do now
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I wanted to type up a detailed reply explaining what I'm going to say, and I tried, but I couldn't get it to come out right.....
Basically, I was in Evan's shoes about 3 years ago. Me and S (I'll only use the initial here) were good friends for 10+ years, then one night we ended up getting drunk, we went back to her place (which was not unusual), and then we fucked (which had never happened before), we basically fucked up any shot at regaining that "friendship only" thing, yet the relationship thing didn't work out either when we gave it a shot. And it turns out that she had feelings for me for years, and didn't let me know about it (and looking back at it, I was really, really fucking stupid to not see it)..... Further complicating things was the fact that I was about to move 500km away to university, and she was attending a college at home, so distance was suddenly going to be a factor.
I hated the indecisiveness that it caused me, and we flopped between trying to make the distance thing work out, and going back to the "just friends" thing we had before. Neither were working out well.....
After about a year and a half ago, with no end in sight while going along with the status quo, I ended up doing something drastic to end it. I did something specific that I knew would make her hate me. Because I figured that it was the best way to resolve everything. No, I didn't physically harm anyone, or do anything illegal, but I knew her well enough to know exactly how to push that DO NOT PUSH button she had.
I really, really dislike being indecisive, and it was really bothering me. To get away from that, I started putting a lot more concentration into other things, to give me something to focus on. I ended up going from a mediocre D player in BW to C- in a very short period of time, due to this.
She hasn't spoken to or contacted me in any way since then, and I don't blame her. I don't really regret the decision, because I still don't see what else I could have done, but at the same time, I hate that I did it, because not only did I lose a very good friend (we'd seen each other through some tough times), but a bunch of mutual friends in the process. Because I came off as a total asshole in the process.
Very few people know that I actually planned it (especially since I'm a very impulsive person, and what I did seems to be very impulsive), because if she found out, well, I don't really want her to find out..... I still think it's better for both of us this way. At least for now.
I hope your situation has a better ending than mine does.....
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EPT
