[Boy Blog] (better than girl blogs) - Page 3

On May 27 2011 16:30 RedJustice wrote:
It's long. Just need to rant about shit.

When I came to uni, first person I really had a conversation with was Evan. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I had a boyfriend at a nearby school, who I visited every other weekend or so. Evan and I became really close friends, and it was one of those friendships where you try to explain something you're feeling, and the other person just gets it; where we could go on a long walk and come back 2 hours later without having ever said a word, because the silence was so comfortable.

That fall he and his girlfriend of about 4? years broke up, and he went on a bit of a spiral, getting into a disasterous mess with nearly every female friend he had. (He is pretty attractive, smart, funny, sweet, etc.etc. girls like him). Through it all, I was just a friend, and I would tell him how stupid he was being and berate him for treating people like that.

The beginning of second semester I broke up with my boyfriend, but that was a long time coming. We didn't have that much in common, and when we saw each other we had nothing to say. It was a quiet breakup; I cried for a few days and then moved on pretty easy, because honestly at that point, he was no longer part of my life at all, and there wasn't much to miss.

I continued to be there as a friend to Evan, while he was trying to get his shit together, and I was there for me with the difficulties I had with my family. One night I was over in his room until 5 a.m. talking with him about a fight I had with my dad, and it was late, so I ended up sleeping over there. It was just sleeping, but it was comforting to both of us to fall asleep next to someone who we were close to.

At the time, a friend of Evan's was trying to hook him up with a girl, so he took her out a few times, but was rather conflicted because he was feeling physically attracted to me, but feeling like that line shouldn't be crossed since we were 'just friends'. He was really drunk one night and called me to come over to his room, and we made out and got partially unclothed and I left him with a pretty big and uncoverable hickey. (which I do feel bad about but makes me lol every time I remember it)

He was prettttttty pissed at me, because he had to break things off with that other girl, and we didn't talk for a week, but he eventually came around and acknowledged, it was just as much his fault for not stopping me, and we were both in an 'inhibited' state of reason.

By this time, it was nearly the end of the school year, and he was moving to Washington to work for Microsoft that summer. Things were pretty confusing between us. We spent a night together in the hammock our dorm had, talking about things, and he told me he felt like he couldn't start a relationship with me when he as about to leave, and we were both pretty upset about that, but I understood, and there was nothing really to do.

That summer I got into a relationship with a friend of mine I met gaming, and I thought I was over Evan. We still talked daily (as we have been since shortly after we met pretty much), but it was 'just friends', once again.

The night he came back at the end of the summer, he met up with me and we went on a long walk running through the sprinklers around campus and playing catch with old tennis balls at the tennis courts. It took all of two hours for us both to see that we were completely not over each other.

My boyfriend at the time had known how I felt about Evan when we started our relationship, and was convinced I would stop feeling anything for Evan once we were in a relationship. (This is bullshit and I will not make this mistake again, lol.) I am an honest person, so I told him I'm sorry, I tried to make it work with you, I really thought it could, I still have feelings for Evan. He ragequit our relationship and our friendship, and hasn't said a word to me since, but I am not too upset about that now, as he was a bit of a controlling asshole at times, and I was honest with him the whole time.

This past year proved to be a really difficult one, however. Evan was finishing up his masters degree, as he had submatriculated, and needed only a few more classes. So... now he was a GA in my dorm, and if he got caught having a relationship with a student, he would get fired. He was also taking 6 grad level comp sci classes, which was pretty stressful, needless to say, and I was also extremely stressed out by issues with my family, and my own engineering classes.

All of the stress resulted in fighting and not the best semester between the two of us, though there were some high points, like the night we climbed the roof of the engineering building and sat in the rain and looked out over the city. It was very much like a scene from a movie, which we happened to both say to each other at the same time. (which then ruined that feeling, because we started laughing)

The source of much of our fighting that semester was the stress compounded by the fact that even though it wasn't really an open relationship, he was unwilling to consider me his girlfriend. He wasn't sure if it would work out once he left to work at Google in the summer, he wasn't sure if he cared about me more as a friend, or as something else, he worried about his job, he worried about his issues with relationships in the past, etc.etc.. I knew he was exclusive with me, and so I let it go for the time being.

Over Christmas, I had nowhere to go really, so I ended up staying with someone I met gaming, and it was a pretty chill holiday of lying around and eating cheesecake and playing sc2. Evan went on a roadtrip with his other good friend Govinda (male), and they had a long talk about me. Afterwards, Evan said it really made him realize that he didn't want to see me in a relationship with someone else, and he knew things had not been the best the past semester, but he wanted them to improve in the coming semester, and he promised things would be better.

For the most part, they were. He was only taking two classes, I was taking less stressful classes, things with my family were not so volatile, and we fought a /lot/ less. On Valentine's Day, we watched Day9 together (like we do every Monday), and he was super sweet. On his birthday, I bought him an Observer plushie, which was adorable, and made him feel really bad because on my birthday he took me to get a hamburger for lunch (lulz), so the next morning he got super early while I was asleep and went downtown to get me two of the most adorable little piggy banks and glitter sticks (which were honestly probably the best birthday presents I've gotten since I was 6 and got a Cinderella castle). When I got back from Spring Break he said he missed me so much that he drove all the way back to campus from home at 2 a.m. and we drove into the country to look at stars, and I spent the night at his house (meeting his parents the next morning was realllllly lulzy), he took me shopping, we hung out, and then he brought me back to campus with a pan of brownies his mother made. He told his parents I was his girlfriend for simplicity's sake, which he also tended to tell friends from home when they visited. However, he always made it a point with me that I was not his girlfriend because of the previous issues he had.

As the school year was coming to a close, I told him he needed to make his mind up. I had been patient and tolerant for a year, and he needed to make a decision. We had a big fight over that, and he told me he couldn't give me an answer because he was afraid he would move to New York in a few months and then change his mind because of his new job and the distance (which is really only 2 hours by bus, but still I'm not there all the time). So we were back to letting things work themselves out.

Things have been busier but still fine since the school year ended. We spend time together as we can. I slept over at his place last night, got up early to go and get him pain medicine since he sprained his ankle at karate last night, slept for a bit more, and then kissed him goodbye, and went to work around noon.

This evening, we were talking again, and he tells me that he thinks once he starts his new job, he will be in a much different place in his life and have no interest so much in mine, and will be wanting people he can relate to. He says he's not sure we should be friends, as my feelings about him don't seem to change no matter how shittily he treats me and maybe I will just be hurt more, but if we can make things just friends he's willing to try.

For me of course this is a lose-lose situation. I lose him as a lover and he hangs around as a friend, making it harder for me to move on, or we cut things off completely, and I lose my best friend who I can talk to about everything, and spend a lot of time with.

The problem is, besides the sexual part of it, there's no clear line of what is friendship and what is not. He says there need to be clearer boundaries and expectations, but has no idea what they should be. For the past year, his inability to set and maintain clear boundaries and expectations (because he doesn't know how he feels about me/the relationship), have meant that sometimes something is ok, and then the next night he gets really upset at me-- so I am constantly confused, which results in me being hurt/angry a lot. He doesn't have any idea where the line between our friendship and something else is, and doesn't know how to keep things from crossing that line-- so now it's on me again to figuring things out and hope I don't fuck up.

I gave him a boundary-- I never ever want to hear a single word from him about regretting his decision to end our relationship (or whatever we had), about having feelings for me, or any of the doubts/hurt he may have. This is the best I know how to end the conflicting messages I constantly get from him about how he feels about me.

Looking at it now though, I am completely lost about what to do. I don't know where the line is between our friendship and relationship either. I don't know how to move on, and also to regain the friendship we had before. I love him very much as a friend and as more than that, but the way the past year has been, I have a lot of hurt and frustration and anger bottled up in me at how he's treated me. And yes, I know it's my fault too for letting the relationship be dictated by him, but that doesn't change my resentment and hurt.

I have my own issues, trusting people, making close friends. I have moved 13 times in my life, and gone through a lot of shit at home. Good things have passed quickly for me, as have people. Evan is the best friend I have ever had. I am afraid of losing him as a friend because of this relationship shit between us. I am afraid of losing him as a friend when he moves in a month. I don't know how to start over, and figure things out for myself so that I am ready to find someone else.