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How do you get self esteem?
Tonight I completely lost it. My roommate came home tonight, and banged on my door until I got up from playing BW(would've lost to a bunker rush anyway). He yelled at me and ordered me to clean up his mess in his room, because I put it there. He said he couldn't get to sleep with it there. I asked him if it was on his bed and he just ordered me again to clean it up. I kept telling him we really need to talk about it, but he merely took an even more dominating way of talking. I tried to hang in there as long as I could...I tried to reason with him, I tried to just stall this as long as possible so that I could get my mind together and stand up to him. But I collapsed.
As his threats became more and more aggressive(both in mannerisms and speech), I felt my muscles begin to quiver, and my voice was starting to give that away. Eventually I ended up being the one to clean his garbage. And now things are even worse, as I can't get to sleep with his threatening demeanor and my failure to cope hanging over my mind.
My childhood was rather cold, if I could give it one word. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember I was extremely sheepish and scared of any authority. My parents were almost absent from the picture. My dad was always at work, and my mom was still dealing with some very destructive issues herself. This may be where the root of my problem lies. I think her tendencies and behaviour was passed on to me. My parents would fight fairly often, and I would listen from my bed and wonder if they would get a divorce, so that maybe all this could stop.
Now, I realize this is merely a psychological problem, and not one where your parents try to rape or beat you. And this is exactly my problem: I want to get over this almost masochistic behaviour, I just don't know how. I don't want to be someone who's always cowling at others' mere verbal threats. It may be too far back to remember, but I don't recollect any physical abuse from my parents(my grandparents were extremely abused in their childhood, both physically and mentally, and this, me and my sister think, is still being carried on through the family). It's just the adrenaline rush and the fear become too much for my defenses and I cave in to the most ludicrous demands.
So I could go back to my past all I want, but I'd rather get some help from you guys. Do you find you have a good amount of self-esteem naturally(without much conscious effort)? Or did you learn some techniques from a book, or even from something like Karate lessons? I want to know how you stand up to bullies and people who think they can push you around because they threaten you. I want to be a stronger person.
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Your friend made a mess in his room and made you clean it up?? Wow what a dick.
For self esteem, you really have to change the way you think. This is a gradual process; it won't happen overnight. You need a clear sense of individualism, what you're capable of, and what's "right and wrong."
There are a lot of different ways to gradually gain more self confidence, and depending on each individual, the best way to do it varies. You gotta find one that works for you.
One way is to just keep telling yourself how awesome you are. When you do something good, or accomplish something, compliment yourself in your head. Make your mind absolutely know, without a doubt, that you are capable, are smart, and confident. Of course, you can't be arrogant on the outside, but on the inside, keep yourself confident. Be realistic, but tell yourself that you are in control of the situation, that you've got goals and can accomplish them, and compliment yourself.
Another way is to be more proactive and set goals. Make a bunch of realistic goals and think of ways you can go about attaining them. For example, you can start off simple and just get the chores done efficiently and on time instead of always procrastinating. Make a list of stuff you wanna finish by a set time (make the times specific and realistic), and get them done. Like, finish hw by 4pm, get 2 chapters of studying done by 5pm, make dinner and relax for a bit as a reward, get laundry done by 9pm, etc etc. Getting shit done and making everything neat makes you feel good.
As you start to feel more confident, set a more difficult goal, like standing up to your roommate. Have a predefined list of stuff you want to talk about, and tell yourself that you won't step down until you get through everything. Have a set of things that you definitely will do if the discussion goes well, and also a set of things you will do if your roommate is being unreasonable. Something like, if he does not back down and keeps being a dick, then I will first tell him with confidence that I will not put up with his shit because of [whatever you wanna put in here], and if that still doesn't work, I'm going to talk this over with the RA (you're in a college dorm right?). Make sure you stick to this, and don't veer off from what you've determined to do.
In addition to all this, you'll probably find it helpful to work out. Look up some simple beginner workout routines (just search on TL, there are a TON of them) and stick to it. Working out, making yourself physically stronger, and getting exercise all contribute to your confidence. Your physical image will make your mind feel better too.
It's a tough, long road ahead, but dealing with it is what life's all about. Make yourself feel good and live an accomplished life.
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Well, how often does this type of shit happen?
I mean, if it is your mess, then you should be the one to clean it up. And even if it isn't, it isn't something worth getting into a fight over.
As far as confidence goes... I'm pretty sure that's something that has to be worked on for most people. I've heard many times that going to the gym is a great way to build confidence, but I don't go so I can't really give you my personal insights to that.
I wouldn't say that I'm a very strong person as I'm physically weak and pretty lanky, but I don't tend to have problems like this. I think that simply not being a pushover is enough to get you through most situations in life. Most people don't actually want to fight, believe it or not.
If you're in a situation where real violence is threatened and plausible, then I don't really think confidence is going to help you too much.
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I think trying to obtain "self-esteem" is exactly the problem. If you're always trying to keep track of how "good" a person you are based on some arbitrary standards you set for yourself, you're always going to be disappointed. However, if you approach life simply trying to do you're best, you will be much happier. Just think less about yourself
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My wife is really scared of being stung by bumblebees. Terribly scared. I mean to the point that she runs screaming at the sight of one or just freezes up when a bee goes by. It's not because she's deathly allergic, either. She's just never been stung so she doesn't know how truly un-traumatic an experience it is.
My guess is that you're a little like that with the thought of physical abuse.
You might honestly try to involve yourself in some sort of activity that forces you to get really physical and/or aggressive. Something like boxing would be ideal. Once you've passed that threshold where you realize that getting punched in the face isn't the end of the universe, I think you always carry yourself with a little more confidence. It's not that you become billy baddass or something, you just realize that getting your ass kicked doesn't even typically ruin your week,* much less your life. When you make that realization, a yelling roommate doesn't seem so impossible to deal with. I mean, what's he going to do? Kick your ass? You still don't have to clean up his shit if you don't want to.
(I realize this is a very little-brother mindset. I had two older brothers so I learned the value of being able to endure a beat-down very early on.)
*There are, of course, situations in which an ass-kicking could ruin your life. Fighting in the street or at the bar or something like that is genuinely dangerous and stupid. But this blog is about interpersonal relationships with friends and acquaintances and, unless you're rooming with Charles Manson, the worst that's going to happen to you is that you're going to get roughed up for a little bit.
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Thanks for the replies guys, it really helps <3
I'll keep thinking it over and make a plan of action, and then of course execute it.
Gonna try and get some sleep, I'm gonna need it for exams coming up, goodnight all.
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Be my friend and you will have no self esteam issues.
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On April 11 2011 16:41 HULKAMANIA wrote:
My wife is really scared of being stung by bumblebees. Terribly scared. I mean to the point that she runs screaming at the sight of one or just freezes up when a bee goes by. It's not because she's deathly allergic, either. She's just never been stung so she doesn't know how truly un-traumatic an experience it is.
My guess is that you're a little like that with the thought of physical abuse.
You might honestly try to involve yourself in some sort of activity that forces you to get really physical and/or aggressive. Something like boxing would be ideal. Once you've passed that threshold where you realize that getting punched in the face isn't the end of the universe, I think you always carry yourself with a little more confidence. It's not that you become billy baddass or something, you just realize that getting your ass kicked doesn't even typically ruin your week,* much less your life. When you make that realization, a yelling roommate doesn't seem so impossible to deal with. I mean, what's he going to do? Kick your ass? You still don't have to clean up his shit if you don't want to.
(I realize this is a very little-brother mindset. I had two older brothers so I learned the value of being able to endure a beat-down very early on.)
*There are, of course, situations in which an ass-kicking could ruin your life. Fighting in the street or at the bar or something like that is genuinely dangerous and stupid. But this blog is about interpersonal relationships with friends and acquaintances and, unless you're rooming with Charles Manson, the worst that's going to happen to you is that you're going to get roughed up for a little bit.
I think this is the best advice, get involved in some martial arts. It really helps to boost your confidence by knowing that you have the skills to defend yourself. And like HULKAMANIA said, getting a punch into the face is not the end of the world.
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ALLEYCAT BLUES50864 Posts
On April 11 2011 16:41 HULKAMANIA wrote:
My wife is really scared of being stung by bumblebees. Terribly scared. I mean to the point that she runs screaming at the sight of one or just freezes up when a bee goes by. It's not because she's deathly allergic, either. She's just never been stung so she doesn't know how truly un-traumatic an experience it is.
My guess is that you're a little like that with the thought of physical abuse.
haha,its true I think the OP has a great fear of the unknown coupled self esteem issues.
@op:I'd be surprised if you really think you're really afraid of your roomie,you'd be surprised how many punches you can take in a fight.
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Open up to your past and deal with the emotions you feel when confronting your memories. If not, similar situations like this will keep coming into your reality to show you what you are ignoring. Be honest and open with yourself and look at your "issues" from a new perspective, so that they are no longer a block for you. Be your own alchemist! =]
If looking into your past is proving to be too painful an experience, you can always come back to it when you are ready. There is nothing wrong with that. Best of luck to you
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Honestly I think the best way to gain self-esteem is to focus on doing, and not thinking. Find something that you're really good at, anything really, and then focus on doing that thing very well. And be proud of it. The self-esteem will come naturally.
It's easy to say stuff like "make goals" "deal with your past" and "compliment yourself". But those things will set you up for disappointment if you fail to achieve said goals/reconciliation/compliments. Which could actually cause your self esteem to fall into a downward spiral. Again, focus on doing, not thinking.
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Self-esteem is rarely based on actual individual worth/skills/etc. As soon as you realise that most people with high self-esteem are nothing special and only have a high self-esteem because they decided to have one, or they are highly narcissistic, like I am. Act like you have a high self-esteem and people will treat you like you have it.
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"He yelled at me and ordered me to clean up his mess in his room, because I put it there"
What does this mean?? He left something out elsewhere in the house and you dumped it in his room?
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im sure all the suggestions above me are decent, but i would put it simpler. bullies are like dogs, you have to show them that you have no fear. just speak to him the same way he speaks to you and if it gets physical, well he may beat you in the end but youll give at least some back - and thats very important, because after that, the next time, he'll think twice before bullying you. plus you could get some muscles through excercise to back your attitude up but thats optional not necessary.
the conclusion is dont be afraid to get physical.
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If your roommate is so aggressive towards you, why are you even roommates in the first place? Even if you live at college with assigned housing it should still be possible to request a room change.
I agree that the best way of dealing with hostility is, as many posts above have mentioned, is to stand up to it, but there's a difference between having a one-time confrontation and having to put up with it on a regular basis.
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On April 11 2011 17:26 eXiled wrote:Show nested quote +On April 11 2011 16:41 HULKAMANIA wrote:
My wife is really scared of being stung by bumblebees. Terribly scared. I mean to the point that she runs screaming at the sight of one or just freezes up when a bee goes by. It's not because she's deathly allergic, either. She's just never been stung so she doesn't know how truly un-traumatic an experience it is.
My guess is that you're a little like that with the thought of physical abuse.
You might honestly try to involve yourself in some sort of activity that forces you to get really physical and/or aggressive. Something like boxing would be ideal. Once you've passed that threshold where you realize that getting punched in the face isn't the end of the universe, I think you always carry yourself with a little more confidence. It's not that you become billy baddass or something, you just realize that getting your ass kicked doesn't even typically ruin your week,* much less your life. When you make that realization, a yelling roommate doesn't seem so impossible to deal with. I mean, what's he going to do? Kick your ass? You still don't have to clean up his shit if you don't want to.
(I realize this is a very little-brother mindset. I had two older brothers so I learned the value of being able to endure a beat-down very early on.)
*There are, of course, situations in which an ass-kicking could ruin your life. Fighting in the street or at the bar or something like that is genuinely dangerous and stupid. But this blog is about interpersonal relationships with friends and acquaintances and, unless you're rooming with Charles Manson, the worst that's going to happen to you is that you're going to get roughed up for a little bit. I think this is the best advice, get involved in some martial arts. It really helps to boost your confidence by knowing that you have the skills to defend yourself. And like HULKAMANIA said, getting a punch into the face is not the end of the world.
I agree with this advice for slightly different reasons. This will change how you feel . It allows you to feel powerful and forces you to stick to something. You also feel healthy and it is much easier to feel good if you feel healthy. Self-esteem is naturally a personal thing and as such it has to come from you. You need to do something to make a difference to how you feel, then nobody can take that away from you. Even if this just give you the courage to find a new place to stay it is still worth it. Why bother being aggressive when there are more important things in life. Soon you will move away from this dick and your life will throw other challenges your way. Violence is not the answer.
This advice...
On April 11 2011 20:58 Sotamursu wrote:
Self-esteem is rarely based on actual individual worth/skills/etc. As soon as you realise that most people with high self-esteem are nothing special and only have a high self-esteem because they decided to have one, or they are highly narcissistic, like I am. Act like you have a high self-esteem and people will treat you like you have it.
Is dangerous as you are essentially basing your self-worth on how you think other people view you. I also advise talking to a counsellor about strategies to deal with difficult people. The first act of accepting you need support will give you the confidence to actually change something. It is easy to try things on your own and then blame the world when things go bad. It is much harder to actually change.
Good luck mate. I wish you all the best.
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On April 12 2011 11:06 Probulous wrote:Show nested quote +On April 11 2011 17:26 eXiled wrote:On April 11 2011 16:41 HULKAMANIA wrote:
My wife is really scared of being stung by bumblebees. Terribly scared. I mean to the point that she runs screaming at the sight of one or just freezes up when a bee goes by. It's not because she's deathly allergic, either. She's just never been stung so she doesn't know how truly un-traumatic an experience it is.
My guess is that you're a little like that with the thought of physical abuse.
You might honestly try to involve yourself in some sort of activity that forces you to get really physical and/or aggressive. Something like boxing would be ideal. Once you've passed that threshold where you realize that getting punched in the face isn't the end of the universe, I think you always carry yourself with a little more confidence. It's not that you become billy baddass or something, you just realize that getting your ass kicked doesn't even typically ruin your week,* much less your life. When you make that realization, a yelling roommate doesn't seem so impossible to deal with. I mean, what's he going to do? Kick your ass? You still don't have to clean up his shit if you don't want to.
(I realize this is a very little-brother mindset. I had two older brothers so I learned the value of being able to endure a beat-down very early on.)
*There are, of course, situations in which an ass-kicking could ruin your life. Fighting in the street or at the bar or something like that is genuinely dangerous and stupid. But this blog is about interpersonal relationships with friends and acquaintances and, unless you're rooming with Charles Manson, the worst that's going to happen to you is that you're going to get roughed up for a little bit. I think this is the best advice, get involved in some martial arts. It really helps to boost your confidence by knowing that you have the skills to defend yourself. And like HULKAMANIA said, getting a punch into the face is not the end of the world. I agree with this advice for slightly different reasons. This will change how you feel . It allows you to feel powerful and forces you to stick to something. You also feel healthy and it is much easier to feel good if you feel healthy. Self-esteem is naturally a personal thing and as such it has to come from you. You need to do something to make a difference to how you feel, then nobody can take that away from you. Even if this just give you the courage to find a new place to stay it is still worth it. Why bother being aggressive when there are more important things in life. Soon you will move away from this dick and your life will throw other challenges your way. Violence is not the answer.
Whether or not violence is the answer depends on the question.
But you're right in a sense. It's just that we weren't counseling him to be aggressive.We were just suggesting that we think a lot of his overwhelming nervousness concerning physical confrontation probably stems from never having been involved in it before.
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On April 11 2011 22:19 Hawk wrote:
"He yelled at me and ordered me to clean up his mess in his room, because I put it there"
What does this mean?? He left something out elsewhere in the house and you dumped it in his room?
I'm curious too...
Regarding standing up for yourself, I've always thought of it this way. There is a difference between right and wrong. If someone else is trying to wrong me I will respond in a few different ways
1. Ignore them
2. Laugh at them and ignore them
3. Tell them off
Let's say I was in your shoes and the mess in his room was just you throwing his shit that was laying around the house on to his bed. I had done nothing wrong, if he wants to leave his shit laying around the house in my way I'm going to throw it in his room. ignoring him isn't an option cause the mtoher fucker is banging on my door. I would attempt number 2 first, laughing at him and telling him it's not my problem and he should keep his shit organized in the first place. If that doesn't work I would simply tell him to fuck off and close the door.
If you're too much of a wimp to do that you should start working out. I know a few kids that were bullied pretty bad when we were kids that turned in to beasts and don't take shit from anybody anymore.
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This is more general advice but I can understand where your coming from. The simple and easy to say answer is that you have to stand up for yourself, but obviously that's easier said than done. You only become good at standing up for yourself by practice and experience. Take StarCraft for example, you can watch a lot of games/replays and read a lot of build orders all you want, but you won't be any good unless you practice and play yourself. It's easier to start small but what I recommend is to list all your fears. Once you have them all listed, start with the easier ones and just face them head on. For example, I was never really scared of heights until my friends wanted me to go cliffjumping. Staring down it completely frightened me and I didn't jump for a long time but I eventually did it. I could easily then after that, climb back up that cliff and jump again. Why? Because I already did it once. The same goes with bullies, you just need to not back down and let what happens happen, because after whatever happens, you will have faced your fear and you shouldn't be scared of it any more.
Someone has to stand up for you and most people in the world aren't nice enough to do it for you, so you basically have to learn how to do it for yourself.
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On April 11 2011 17:26 eXiled wrote:Show nested quote +On April 11 2011 16:41 HULKAMANIA wrote:
My wife is really scared of being stung by bumblebees. Terribly scared. I mean to the point that she runs screaming at the sight of one or just freezes up when a bee goes by. It's not because she's deathly allergic, either. She's just never been stung so she doesn't know how truly un-traumatic an experience it is.
My guess is that you're a little like that with the thought of physical abuse.
You might honestly try to involve yourself in some sort of activity that forces you to get really physical and/or aggressive. Something like boxing would be ideal. Once you've passed that threshold where you realize that getting punched in the face isn't the end of the universe, I think you always carry yourself with a little more confidence. It's not that you become billy baddass or something, you just realize that getting your ass kicked doesn't even typically ruin your week,* much less your life. When you make that realization, a yelling roommate doesn't seem so impossible to deal with. I mean, what's he going to do? Kick your ass? You still don't have to clean up his shit if you don't want to.
(I realize this is a very little-brother mindset. I had two older brothers so I learned the value of being able to endure a beat-down very early on.)
*There are, of course, situations in which an ass-kicking could ruin your life. Fighting in the street or at the bar or something like that is genuinely dangerous and stupid. But this blog is about interpersonal relationships with friends and acquaintances and, unless you're rooming with Charles Manson, the worst that's going to happen to you is that you're going to get roughed up for a little bit. I think this is the best advice, get involved in some martial arts. It really helps to boost your confidence by knowing that you have the skills to defend yourself. And like HULKAMANIA said, getting a punch into the face is not the end of the world.
On the other hand, martial arts is very authoritarian. It comes from both the military and a hierarchical Confucian culture. And the instructors are often the sort of people attracted to such a culture where the higher up gets respect and newcomers are expected to exercise compliance and obedience.
What would happen if you refused to do what your martial instructor told you to do? Of course there are very nice instructors, but then there are a lot who believe it's there turn to "deserve" respect.
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