I'll try to answer some of your questions, but my background is vastly different, so I'm not sure if I can express myself clearly.

To put it shortly, I think you should fight for things that you personally care for. This might be somewhat obvious, but only you know the answer. Think about what things you have enjoyed in the past, and ask yourself what you yourself like or would like doing.

I really don't understand why your father is doing this to you, but if he was a "the best student" type, then it seems like he values "delayed gratification" very highly. It's as if he has some huge imaginary social pressure to make you into an even better student than him. Why would he force you to go to the best schools? At least your father should tell you why he's doing it. You can't just make someone else do absurd things if there's no motivation behind it. If he's never told you why he's treating you so horribly, never said what the benefit of doing so is, then he might as well be treating you horribly because he personally likes it.

I can't help but ask whether your father really respects your opinion. It sounds like you don't have a lot to say in matters, and that your father makes all the choices. If he indeed doesn't care about what you feel, then I don't see how he loves you. That, or he is very very very biased and thinks there is only one way to live (to study and work like heck so you can supposedly have some social pride? You can have social pride without doing that...). Actually, he should have realized how though it is for you, but it appears he hasn't ever said that he loves you. I understand that parents can be though, but at least my parents used to comfort me when things got rough... I don't see why he couldn't at least tell you that much.

If he really thinks why it's wrong to treat you like total shit and "doesn't see why it matters", then I really have to think your father is crazy in some way. I don't know if he just feels that he can't say it to you, but from your point of view it makes a world of difference if he would be able to say that he loves you.

If I were in your position, I could definitely not see the situation in any way as your father loving you. However, I really suggest you try to talk with him about it. I know that it probably feels really really difficult to do so, but I feel that the situation cannot just be left as it is. I feel, that it the end it will be better to try to do something and get things clear. Try to explain the situation and your feelings to him, and ask him why he's acting toward you as he is.

Ultimately, what does he mean to you? At the moment, it only seems like he is valuable because he pays for your studies. I don't know if you like your studies at all (it sounds like you don't like it), then of what value is it if he finances your studies if you don't have any motivation to study at all. Easier said than done, but much better to study something you have at least some interest for. After all, why should you keep doing things in your life that you don't personally care about at all.

Please don't hesitate to ask if you feel I should clarify something or if you have any more questions. I'll try to answer as best as I can.

krzych113

United Kingdom547 Posts

February 12 2011 14:22 GMT

First I think you got to set a goal in your life - finding good job, finding girlfriends,
Then even though it would seem strange, or you're not willing to, thank your father from the bottom of your heart, really, just in your thought, but truly, and start to thank yourself for how much you already did. Then, REALLY stop carrying about the others, care about yourself, give your life a quality, you got to tell yourself how amazingly fucking good you are, and appreciate love every aspect of yourself, every single time ( if you don't have something in you right now, fake it until you make it ). In my opinion you for your father was like a second male specie in the family, so he felt fear, unsafety of his position in the family, and that he got to to compete - > this appears especially if your mother loved you very much, well I had a situation like this, and actually couldn't understand why is my father acting like this, I just didn't like him, and many times hated. What's more your father because of this, didn't upbring you as how to be a man, didn't give you the opportunities, the meaning of being a man (maybe he didn't know how ? Violence is definately not how you do it). Now, you got to learn it by yourself, and fully contribute to it. Go search the web for the dvds -> of David DeAngelo on being a man, Anthony Robbins, and I think you will find something that really connects you, I'm doing it right now, and it already become so much better. I lost my parents in an accident when I was 13, than was upbrought by my grandmother -> and there is also a story on that.
Good Luck now. Remember to always stick to your point.

Navane

Netherlands2747 Posts

February 12 2011 16:27 GMT

Maybe you should go to church. They seem to have the big answers.

joheinous

Iceland522 Posts

February 12 2011 16:55 GMT

I've been having the same problem as you and although I haven't had your experiences, in fact I have a very loving and supportive family, I did get cancer about 2-3 years ago and the treatment caused some very serious side effects and I stayed in the hospital for a couple of months and was in intensive care for about two weeks. After experiencing my body so weak that I had to have tubes up my nose for two weeks because I couldn't breathe on my own, let alone standing up or walking around or going to the bathroom, hearing a doctor telling me that I was in danger of passing away and staying in a cancer ward where alot of people did die while I was there, people even younger then me and their relatives grieving and other things of that nature I fell into depression and am still recovering. I didn't see a point to anything anymore and had no ambition to do anything at all.

I have to agree with krzych113 that the thing that got me out of it was basically just setting goals for myself and to accomplish that I had to ask my self question like what my values and principles are, what's important to me, am I actually living according to my values and principles and if my life was a story what chapter am I at now and where do I see the story going from here on out.

Basically I found out that I didn't know a thing about myself. It was shocking.

I actually came about this methodology by pure accident, I was trying to pursue meditation as a form of stress relief and stumbled upon jon kabat-zinn. I recommend his book "whereever you go, there you are". It basically goes through mindfullness meditation and asks you in one of the chapter to establish a vision for why you want to meditate and that's where those questions from earlier are from. Besides confronting yourself and setting up healthy goals for you as a person I really recommend his kind of meditation because he cuts out the bullshit(for the most part) and teaches you effective ways to sharpen your concentration and increase your awareness. The effects of this are amazing and really the perspective you gain from the calm meditation instills in you helps as much as setting your goals. They are in fact symbiotic.

If you stick with the meditation, and this is not bullshit, you'll find that the answers to the questions you're asking are clear, or in fact that maybe they don't matter. Reaching this state of separate awareness from your feelings and experiences makes you completely serene and creates a tool that at least I would never have thought of to deal with questions that are fundamentally incomprehensible for human beings such as questions pertaining to mortality and purpose. For me, the limits and reality of whatever principles of philosophy I adopted over the years became crystal clear and I learned to accept things the way they are (Hence my quote by descartes in my signature

) whether it's principles of quantum physics or just personal relationships.

Ps. for the record I'm a hardcore atheist and in fact have non-anthropic views as in I don't see a point at all in human society except the one it creates itself so I'm not preaching any sort of religion or life views in general. I'm just saying that meditation worked for me as a part of my solution and I don't think there's anything supernatural about it