|
edit: Well, someone changed the thread title. I had included "(whine blog)" to ward off anyone who didn't want to read whiny stuff, so I guess I'll just preface this post with that.
First off, happy birthday to anyone out there who happens to share it with me. It's not actually my birthday yet where I live, but given that TL goes off Korean time, figure it was worth posting now.
Unfortunately, I guess my birthday is not so great. It's not bad, just extremely apathetic. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to look forward to tomorrow- the therapy and doctors appointments, the "happy birthday!" Facebook posts from people I haven't talked to in ages or the ability to sit at home for the remainder of the day doing nothing.
I've mentioned my depression in past blogs and am sad to say that there hasn't been any substantial progress. Two of the four months I'm taking off of school are now over and it frightens me to know that no medications have worked yet and therapy has simply brought more questions than answers. When April comes, I'll have to be well enough to attend school, like it or not, before I start getting bills for student loans.
Also in April, a friend will be staying with me for 2-4 weeks. I don't know what to expect from that, whether I am expected to entertain her or simply to house her. We're not 'together', relationship-wise or sexually, but have danced around the idea of both for years. It will be good to have company, but it's unknown whether her visit will do more harm than good, for both of us. I worry less about myself and more about disappointing her, but both seem like distinct possibilities in my mind.
Between the ages of 21 and 22, it seems like I've taken a step backwards instead of forwards. Still depressed, still overweight, still at home most every day of the week, more disinterested than ever about things that used to be considered hobbies. I spend half my days with headache-inducing insomnia and the other half in bed for 14-16 hours a day. I don't really feel like I'm growing up, and a birthday makes me realize this even moreso.
The only real progress I'd say I've made is that I'm eating healthier and starting to exercise, but in my infinite pessimism, we'll see how long that lasts.
|
It sounds to me like you have not found your "thing". I used to be in a similar boat; unhappy, apathetic, pessimistic in regards to my future, and just generally upset in the way my life was moving forward. I have found, since approximately the beginning of the school year, that I have definitely improved in my general outlook on life which I attribute to finding my "thing". My "thing", I won't say hobby/obsession/happyness-inducer, is my youtube channel that I post almost-daily videos up on. This "thing" has helped me because I now have an output to thousands of people daily, which I believe was the reason I was not doing so well before. I know that if you make yourself an effort to find a "thing" then you will start to feel more positive about life.
|
Sounds like you are a little self absorbed to be honest with you. Kiddies working in sweat shops don't get to be "depressed". Families in the particularly bad parts of Africa who have to walk 10 miles everyday for clean drinking water don't get to be "depressed". They don't get to lay in bed for 16 hours a day either.
They do what they can to survive and better there situation, even if they know it's largely futile, meanwhile it sounds to me like you just wallow in it and stay depressed.
I know that you feel you are struggling, and you want other people to understand the struggle you are having, hence why you are posting on the internet. But you must realize that your struggle, mein kampf, and everyone's struggles as a whole are largely meaningless. You have to want more from your life and be willing to reach out and grab it.
Maybe you think you are reaching, but you may just have to reach further, because happiness will not come to you.
|
Let me share what I find has become truly important in my life, and has helped me a great deal in overcoming the same type of situation you're in:
Breakdance - [just PM kOre] I'm white, you're likely white too, I had never done dance (class) before, quite likely you haven't either. And none of that matters. All you need is THE BALLZ to go and try it out. If I could find a breakdance class IN SWITZERLAND its probably not gonna be that hard for you 
No really, breakdance is such a constructive activity. It builds a hella lot of strength, flexibility, endurence and especially CONFIDENCE, plus it feels great, looks great (impresses like hell) and is just fun!
Speedcubing - This is basically learning how to solve all sorts of twisty puzzles (I use the generic name for, let's see+ Show Spoiler +Rubik's 3x3x3, Rubik's 2x2x2, Rubik's 4x4x4, Rubik's 5x5x5, V-Cube 6x6x6, V-Cube 7x7x7, V-Cube 8x8x8, Meganiminx, Pyraminx, Giganaminx, Square-1, Super Square-1, Crazy 3x3x3, Crazy 4x4x4, blind-fold solving, the list goes on
This is also really fun, it's great for spacial manipulation, memory and understanding groups/cycles/permutations. Plus it's impressive, and an achievement in itself.
Skating - :~] [I can't resist: ] YOU GOTTA SKATE!  So fun
Find something you like, something that is helpful, worthwhile and productive, and just GO FOR IT!
Try helping out in the local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. It ain't fun, it ain't easy, but once you've done it you DO feel a lot better off
~ I have a few more things that helped me a whole bunch, but they're A LOT more personal; feel free to PM me tho
Hope it helps, cuz Starcraft won't
HB!
|
If you're really trying to guilt me with the "kids in Africa" thing, that is absurd. That doesn't mean that I don't sympathize with the pain of others who are in dire need, but it is ridiculous to think that somebody should not be allowed emotion because of the misfortune of others.
I don't stay in bed for 16 hours a day by choice. Whether its a simple inability to will myself to stand up, a day in which I'm always tired or even a not-uncommon case of sleep paralysis, in which my entire body and mind is numb, there is no drawing lines between myself and children in sweat shops.
Perhaps I am self absorbed, but when troubled with depression, it is not uncommon to be obsessed with finding happiness. Even the malnourished in Africa likely find time to smile in the most dire of circumstances. While I sympathize with their situation, I simply don't have the ability to smile. It is all I think about, how people seemingly have relatively good lives (even if only on the outside) while I am trapped within the negative thoughts of my own mind. It's something that people who don't have depression would understand, frankly (let alone the Major/Manic Depressive Disorder that I was diagnosed with)
As for finding "my thing", easier said than done I suppose. Its certainly not starting a youtube channel, breakdancing or "speedcubing". Photography is probably one of my greatest hobbies, but aside from posting them online, there is nobody who I find I can share it with. It would be great to go on photo-trips with somebody or working with a friend who wants to model or something. While I enjoy the photos I've taken alone, it is a lonely experience.
|
It's my brothers 29th birthday also.
Connect to battle.net and smash some newbs, then take a picture of yourself after every victory and make a slideshow of it.
It could make you happier.
|
Put the focus on your self. Don't worry about disappointing your friend and try to be happy yourself first.
Personally I'm not a fan of using medication to treat depression but I'm not a doctor so I won't comment on this.
I think you should focus on some small things.
try to get a regular sleep schedule. It'll take you a while to adjust but go to bed no later than 11:30 and try to wake up by 9:00 at the latest.
Its good you have started excercising. Keep it up and don't slack. Its easy to take a day off then 1 day becomes 2 days then 2 days becomes a week.
Excercise and proper diet will help towards curing your insomnia, lack of energy, and general apathy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
