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however for reasons I don't fully understand.
My parents are sort of wealthy, upper middle class and support me with a whole lot of money, I have a good social life and some really close friends, I'm decent looking and have success with the ladies, yet I keep on thinking 'I would be really sweet if that car would just lose control and ran me over.'
I'm not thinking about harming myself (not yet anyways), but I just think sometimes it would be nice to die through an accident or something along those lines.
Though I talk to my parents nearly on a daily basis, I talk about stuff which does not concern me, let alone things I really care about. They pressure me to find out what I wanna do with my life, however I'm not even sure if I really want to find out in the first place. I just feel so down most of the time when being alone. I try to mask it when I'm around people to not show my actually feelings, thus I'm known for being funny and outgoing, but on the inside it's the other way 'round.
I talk to friends about stuff, which I have care about, share hobbies with etc, but at the same time I don't want them to worry or wear them down by my thoughts, as they don't deserve that.
I'm not sure if I should seek help and if the answer is yes, if I want to seek help.
Also I'm not exactly sure why I post this, but it's definitely a good feeling to vent at an unknown entity as an anonymous.
 
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On January 22 2011 08:44 lux[chavii] wrote:
Is it just me or is this post empty ?
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I think it's pretty common to be in the position of not knowing what to do. Eventually, you should be able to find something that'll interest you. Sounds cliche, but it's just how it usually goes. 
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So, why do you feel the way you feel?
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On January 22 2011 08:55 travis wrote:
So, why do you feel the way you feel?
This is what confuses me. I don't enjoy my life and yet I cannot tell you why, I mean judging by and outsider my life should be the way it should no?
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I feel the same way Lux, have been for years now. Only difference is, I'm unemployed, look terrible IRL and have only had meager success with the ladies. My parents don't understand and I really don't care explaining it to them either, because they'd either tell me to suck it up or tell me to seek professional help. I just tend to the bite the bullet and show everyone that I'm okay even though on the inside it's a completely different story. When someone asks am I doing okay, I just tend to answer that shit's okay.
I share your feelings about it being cool if something happened when you were out, like getting run over by a car or something. I find it fun toying with my own mind to see how it reacts. And occassionally I get suicidal thoughts but I know I'm too much of a pussy to do anything about it. Sleeping usually clears my head, so does the internet. So far, I've haven't had any serious problems for a few years now but I know I still suffer from depression regardless.
My suggestion is, find something to keep you occupied and don't let your mind take over or you'll overthink shit and that'll just cause all the negativity to surface.
-Raktavijan
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Sometimes people feel and think things they have no logical reason to think or feel. I recommend talking to your doctor or another trusted adult about it. Everyone has shit to deal with.
One thing I noticed is that you listed a lot of things one would expect would make them happy, yet you're not. Clearly you're not doing the things that make you happy.
Another thing I want to point out is that while it's disturbing to realize and contemplate one's own mortality, it's actually normal.
Who have you tried talking to about this?
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Maybe you need to find something or someone that makes your life more enjoyable.
For instance, I found I really enjoyed playing guitar (I suck at it, but have lots of of fun playing). When I get mad at my parents, or anything else really, I just practice. Music can really help, imo.
Try looking around for some hobbies you think you would enjoy.
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On January 22 2011 08:58 lux[chavii] wrote:This is what confuses me. I don't enjoy my life and yet I cannot tell you why, I mean judging by and outsider my life should be the way it should no?
Some people just have hormone imbalances and it's not their fault. You should consult a doctor or a therapist. Chances are you can get help relatively easily and go back to living a normal happy life. You could even do it without medication if you want, therapy is extremely powerful. Think about it and GL ^_^
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Something I've found over the years is that perception and internal biology has as much effect on mood as what is actually happening to us externally. I've felt great in awful circumstances and awful in great circumstances. If these feelings are ongoing, you should definitely talk to a professional about them.
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Honestly, I think most people are like this inside. Some people find one thing that makes them truly, honestly happy, but I don't think it happens for the majority. You just need to have as much fun as possible, and spend your time honestly. You have to realise that humans haven't lived like this (urban, postindustrial) for a long time. It's OK for us to struggle with it.
Read this: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122178211966454607.html Sadly DFW ended up killing himself, because his depression was that grave. But I think most people can survive, especially taking advice like his.
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Maybe you could, live the life someone else live, to make you realize how good your life is, compared to others. Like work for some random ONG who might need some volunteers, or maybe some exchange program.
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United States10154 Posts
one of the most common causes of suicidal thoughts, is the fact that you feel "unsatisfied". now the question is, are you satisfied with your life? you say you are considerably successful. possibly something you did in your early life? whatever the situation maybe, I think if you nearly contemplate suicide, lets say get a rope loop, and then not do it, PLEASE don't do it and go get help. really, it's bad enough that people are depressed in this world, myself being depressed many times, but get help.
Otherwise, try keeping yourself busy with things that make you happy, if starcraft is one of them. get the good stuff first, and put away that bad stuff.
-KT.FaTe
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On January 22 2011 08:58 lux[chavii] wrote:This is what confuses me. I don't enjoy my life and yet I cannot tell you why, I mean judging by and outsider my life should be the way it should no?
Are you sure? Are you being totally honest with yourself? Or maybe you just aren't aware of some things about yourself?
What kind of view do you have towards life? What's your general philosophy in living your life? What is the point of being alive to you?
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This is my first post here on TeamLiquid, so please forgive me if I am replying to a private matter as a complete stranger. I couldn't help myself because your post resonated with me.
I don't think that is strange, Lux. I used to feel similarly even though, "tangibly" (the things I could tell people about), I was in a seemingly great situation. I remember feeling a lot of anger / rage / melancholy and I didn't really know why. Everything was great, or at least not troublesome, right?
I got into a car accident that left me scarred all over my body, and people would ask if I was okay. The thing is, somewhere inside, I remember feeling quite relieved that I crashed that day. Finally, it was "okay" to feel anger / rage / melancholy over something that was more "tangible" to other people. I could point at my scars when people would ask and people would agree that I had a tough experience. I felt that I now "belonged" to the group of people that were "allowed" to hurt inside.
The thing is, it is okay to feel the way that you feel. You do not need to get into an accident or anything in order to feel the way that you do. I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but if you feel a need to talk or anything, please feel free to PM me. Cheers!
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Maybe you feel like you have no purpose or don't contribute anything since your parents are giving you money. What do you do for work/school? Ever do anything charitable?
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Here is a reason not to kill yourself:
You will die.
I know you know that...but just think a bit about it...use the brain that you will cease to have....
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If you think of anything you would post on an internet forum as "suicidal thoughts" then you should play it safe and talk to someone. I don't necessarily mean therapist someone, but if I were you I'd give the suicide hotline a call. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ . I've had a few friends who have used that resource when feeling similar to you and they say it helped a lot.
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Don't be afraid to share your problems with other people. IMO, the worst thing you can do is think that you have to bear your problems by yourself. Everyone needs help and friends should be able to help their friends through difficult times. Talking about your problems will also help you to cope with them. And the doctor is your friend too, don't be afraid to be forced into a drug solution, that's a last, last resort after all else has failed. They'll probably be able to get you counselling sessions with a therapist, who can also help you to work out your problems.
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I would suggest not to "find a reason to live" but to realize why life itself is so fantastic -- even if it isn't perfect. This is a state of mind that only you can bring about -- no one over the internet can do that for you.
Sure live life a bit more with new hobbies or something, but finding a reason to live by finding a relationship? Thats a very scary suggestion! Most relationships end, what are you going to do in the mean team? Not to mention that would be mildly, to say the least, creepy for the girl! I'm a big supported of only forming a romantic relationship when you're standing on your own two feet. Sure there are exceptions, the right girl at the wrong time is still the right girl: however -a- girl at the wrong time is a bad idea on many levels.
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On January 22 2011 09:14 eLiE wrote:
Don't be afraid to share your problems with other people. IMO, the worst thing you can do is think that you have to bear your problems by yourself. Everyone needs help and friends should be able to help their friends through difficult times. Talking about your problems will also help you to cope with them. And the doctor is your friend too, don't be afraid to be forced into a drug solution, that's a last, last resort after all else has failed. They'll probably be able to get you counselling sessions with a therapist, who can also help you to work out your problems.
it's also the case that for some(a lot) of people, helping others(especially those they consider their friends) makes them feel good.
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I often use music or something to clear my thoughts when I feel there's nothing to look forward to, mainly this comes from my long term disease and due getting sick really easily (guess something is slightly fucked up with immunology or something).
Stuff that I should do and stuff that I want to do... time is limited and sometimes it's nigh impossible to choose even one of them if I'm sick and tired.
It's all about finding something you truly like and/or telling yourself "there might be something interesting in future". Stress and all kind of pressuring from others often makes shit worse, but clearing some set goal will at least give temporary satisfaction most of the time.
If nothing really makes one want to go on, then the whole life needs some major change.
All this might be a mess, since I'm bit lost in thought.
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On January 22 2011 09:10 drewcifer wrote:
Here is a reason not to kill yourself:
You will die.
I know you know that...but just think a bit about it...use the brain that you will cease to have....
That is the dumbest thing that I've ever heard.
People commit suicide in order to die. That's what they want, it's a good thing to them.
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You need to think about the reason you have such thoughts, there is always a reason. Therapists and such help people figure such things out, but it's better to do it yourself.
Perhaps you lack inspiration to live. Find something that fascinates you and simply live your life, there's more to it than the expectations of your parents and the people around you. The pressure lifts when you do what you want to do, not what you think you are supposed to do.
I don't really know what else to say, there's just too much to put into words.
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First I want to thank you all for the kind words. When I read threads like this and people wrote 'my condolences' I never thought that it would matter at all, but it actually does make me feel a little better. I'm glad I was wrong.
I do have hobbies, I played the guitar for 4 years (piano before that) I'm into music generally really, I'm a member of a football team and work out regularly, I do like to dance. It all just feels as it is not worth it ultimately.
Also I really like to find out what motivates people and why they react the way the react in human interaction. I read a lot about body language etc.
However I think humans are greedy and selfish, keeping people around them for reasons they benefit from, accept jobs they hate but get just a little bit more money, get into relationships because they want to be seen with that other good-looking person or just because they get satisfaction from being wanted by another attractive human.
I think if you work hard enough anything is possible, but to me there is no point in being alive in the first place. I don't think it would matter if I live or die.
The only thing I am proud of is, that (apparently, as people tell me) I helped my brother with a rather strong case of OCD in our teens, when our parents moved around a lot for work, and generally rather had work on their mind than family.
Edit: I don't want to burden my friends with MY thoughts and problems. We are all in a stage were we are finding out what we want to do with our lives (being 21), this is hard enough for me already. I couldn't stand the thought that they have to cope with the same things, but at the same time carry my problems on top of it. I'm really proud of my friends and what they have achieved so far, it doesn't seem fair that they are hampered by something I should be able to fully control on my own.
And as I said I don't really talk to my parents about things which deeply concern me. I think I have never spoken to them about that one girl I really liked in 7th grade, about my thoughts in going into music (they say they wouldn't care if I went to university but I feel they want me to. Both are academics themselves and professors on top of that), about my feelings towards my past. I just try to keep conversations to the boring everyday small talk.
Also I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a doctor, I have problems letting people deep into my life already (like knowing personal stuff I care about). Talking to a stranger, who then gives me advice on my problems is like a no-no.
Edit2: I'm sure my friends would care, probably a great deal. Yet, I don't think it's fair that I weigh them down by my personal problems, which I don't even seem to know, while everybody else seems to be able to deal with theirs.
It makes me mad, that I'm apparently unable to do this on my own.
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I've been in similar situations before. Upper class, wealthy enough parents, never really wanted for anything, and yet at the end of the day, just felt empty. I'd get dropped off back at home late at night by my boyfriend after a pretty normal high school party and think to myself. "This is what I'm supposed to enjoy, right? This is what teenagers do. Why aren't I happy?
Honestly, TL is probably not the best place to discuss these things, because if I had to guess, there's more to the story that you aren't willing to admit online to a group of strangers. Chances are you've got other dreams, wants, needs, desires, or whatever else that aren't being met.
What is it that you want? What do you dream about that you don't admit to anyone, perhaps not even yourself? You obviously don't need to express it to TL, but just sort of think about it.
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I'm in no way an expert or anything, but as a child I had some some "things" happen to me, and I didn't tell anyone, I went to a child therapist and lied my way out, I just blocked everything out, and for a year or so i was ok. Then in like 6th grade I stared cutting myself and became a total asshole to everyone. But i stopped and everything, But i still hated life and wanted to kill myself, and I don't know i just got better somehow. Don't do it dude you will be fine find something you love and stick with it, if you have a reason to live you won't want to kill yourself. Like in Anthony Kiedis wrote in his autobiogray "If i start doing drugs again who will set up for the meeting." Find something or someone you care about and don't want to dissapoit. Good luck.
Thinking about it go talk to a expert. It can't hurt.
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+ Show Spoiler +On January 22 2011 09:30 lux[chavii] wrote:
First I want to thank you all for the kind words. When I read threads like this and people wrote 'my condolences' I never thought that it would matter at all, but it actually does make me feel a little better. I'm glad I was wrong.
I do have hobbies, I played the guitar for 4 years (piano before that) I'm into music generally really, I'm a member of a football team and work out regularly, I do like to dance. It all just feels as it is not worth it ultimately.
Also I really like to find out what motivates people and why they react the way the react in human interaction. I read a lot about body language etc.
However I think humans are greedy and selfish, keeping people around them for reasons they benefit from, accept jobs they hate but get just a little bit more money, get into relationships because they want to be seen with that other good-looking person or just because they get satisfaction from being wanted by another attractive human.
I think if you work hard enough anything is possible, but to me there is no point in being alive in the first place. I don't think it would matter if I live or die.
The only thing I am proud of is, that (apparently, as people tell me) I helped my brother with a rather strong case of OCD in our teens, when our parents moved around a lot for work, and generally rather had work on their mind than family.
Edit: I don't want to burden my friends with MY thoughts and problems. We are all in a stage were we are finding out what we want to do with our lives (being 21), this is hard enough for me already. I couldn't stand the thought that they have to cope with the same things, but at the same time carry my problems on top of it. I'm really proud of my friends and what they have achieved so far, it doesn't seem fair that they are hampered by something I should be able to fully control on my own.
And as I said I don't really talk to my parents about things which deeply concern me. I think I have never spoken to them about that one girl I really liked in 7th grade, about my thoughts in going into music (they say they wouldn't care if I went to university but I feel they want me to. Both are academics themselves and professors on top of that), about my feelings towards my past. I just try to keep conversations to the boring everyday small talk.
Also I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a doctor, I have problems letting people deep into my life already (like knowing personal stuff I care about). Talking to a stranger, who then gives me advice on my problems is like a no-no.
this may come out wrong but,
are you sure you're not confusing philosophy with your feelings?
it just sounds like you're a little confused about your career in the future and thats causing depression maybe?
im not an expert but you shouldn't do things to please your parents but do things to please yourself
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+ Show Spoiler +On January 22 2011 09:30 lux[chavii] wrote:
First I want to thank you all for the kind words. When I read threads like this and people wrote 'my condolences' I never thought that it would matter at all, but it actually does make me feel a little better. I'm glad I was wrong.
I do have hobbies, I played the guitar for 4 years (piano before that) I'm into music generally really, I'm a member of a football team and work out regularly, I do like to dance. It all just feels as it is not worth it ultimately.
Also I really like to find out what motivates people and why they react the way the react in human interaction. I read a lot about body language etc.
However I think humans are greedy and selfish, keeping people around them for reasons they benefit from, accept jobs they hate but get just a little bit more money, get into relationships because they want to be seen with that other good-looking person or just because they get satisfaction from being wanted by another attractive human.
I think if you work hard enough anything is possible, but to me there is no point in being alive in the first place. I don't think it would matter if I live or die.
The only thing I am proud of is, that (apparently, as people tell me) I helped my brother with a rather strong case of OCD in our teens, when our parents moved around a lot for work, and generally rather had work on their mind than family.
Edit: I don't want to burden my friends with MY thoughts and problems. We are all in a stage were we are finding out what we want to do with our lives (being 21), this is hard enough for me already. I couldn't stand the thought that they have to cope with the same things, but at the same time carry my problems on top of it. I'm really proud of my friends and what they have achieved so far, it doesn't seem fair that they are hampered by something I should be able to fully control on my own.
And as I said I don't really talk to my parents about things which deeply concern me. I think I have never spoken to them about that one girl I really liked in 7th grade, about my thoughts in going into music (they say they wouldn't care if I went to university but I feel they want me to. Both are academics themselves and professors on top of that), about my feelings towards my past. I just try to keep conversations to the boring everyday small talk.
Also I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a doctor, I have problems letting people deep into my life already (like knowing personal stuff I care about). Talking to a stranger, who then gives me advice on my problems is like a no-no.
If you were my friend, I'd be more upset you thought I didn't care than if you said, "Hey, can I talk to you about something?"
They're your friends. Talk to them.
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On January 22 2011 09:54 LazyMacro wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On January 22 2011 09:30 lux[chavii] wrote:
First I want to thank you all for the kind words. When I read threads like this and people wrote 'my condolences' I never thought that it would matter at all, but it actually does make me feel a little better. I'm glad I was wrong.
I do have hobbies, I played the guitar for 4 years (piano before that) I'm into music generally really, I'm a member of a football team and work out regularly, I do like to dance. It all just feels as it is not worth it ultimately.
Also I really like to find out what motivates people and why they react the way the react in human interaction. I read a lot about body language etc.
However I think humans are greedy and selfish, keeping people around them for reasons they benefit from, accept jobs they hate but get just a little bit more money, get into relationships because they want to be seen with that other good-looking person or just because they get satisfaction from being wanted by another attractive human.
I think if you work hard enough anything is possible, but to me there is no point in being alive in the first place. I don't think it would matter if I live or die.
The only thing I am proud of is, that (apparently, as people tell me) I helped my brother with a rather strong case of OCD in our teens, when our parents moved around a lot for work, and generally rather had work on their mind than family.
Edit: I don't want to burden my friends with MY thoughts and problems. We are all in a stage were we are finding out what we want to do with our lives (being 21), this is hard enough for me already. I couldn't stand the thought that they have to cope with the same things, but at the same time carry my problems on top of it. I'm really proud of my friends and what they have achieved so far, it doesn't seem fair that they are hampered by something I should be able to fully control on my own.
And as I said I don't really talk to my parents about things which deeply concern me. I think I have never spoken to them about that one girl I really liked in 7th grade, about my thoughts in going into music (they say they wouldn't care if I went to university but I feel they want me to. Both are academics themselves and professors on top of that), about my feelings towards my past. I just try to keep conversations to the boring everyday small talk.
Also I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a doctor, I have problems letting people deep into my life already (like knowing personal stuff I care about). Talking to a stranger, who then gives me advice on my problems is like a no-no. If you were my friend, I'd be more upset you thought I didn't care than if you said, "Hey, can I talk to you about something?" They're your friends. Talk to them.
This.
but If they DO mind, they can't be that good of a friend.
Don't think about it as "bothering your friends" think of it as looking for support.
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On January 22 2011 09:04 `Zapdos wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2011 08:58 lux[chavii] wrote:On January 22 2011 08:55 travis wrote:
So, why do you feel the way you feel? This is what confuses me. I don't enjoy my life and yet I cannot tell you why, I mean judging by and outsider my life should be the way it should no? Some people just have hormone imbalances and it's not their fault. You should consult a doctor or a therapist. Chances are you can get help relatively easily and go back to living a normal happy life. You could even do it without medication if you want, therapy is extremely powerful. Think about it and GL ^_^
Im not sure if you read this guys post but you definitely should take this into consideration. Depression is a medical condition that you have no control over. It's hormonal, and affects you on a really negative level while leaving you unaware as to WHY you feel like you do. I highly highly suggest going to a therapist and discussing how you feel, and allowing them to possibly make a clinical diagnosis of your current state. Odds are they can come up with medicine that will take all of those feelings away, and you will go back to feeling the way you use to before all of this started developing.
If you do not seek any sort of help, and instead choose to deal with it on your own, then you run a very big risk of getting much worse, and at the very extreme, taking your own life. Although this may feel like what you want to do, it would be extremely unfair and horrible for everyone around you that loves and cares about you. I mean, its not only going to ruin your life, its going to permenantly ruin the lives of everyone you have met and everyone that cares for you. It would be the worst decision on earth to make, when there is a clear and obvious path to help.
In the end, explore all of your options and understand whats causing this pain before going over the deep end into a mistake you can never take back. Lastly, I wish you luck and hope you can pull out of this!
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Jeremiah 29:11-12
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
Me and my wife will pray for you.
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On January 22 2011 10:13 danl9rm wrote:
Jeremiah 29:11-12
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
Me and my wife will pray for you.
This is exactly the sort of arrogance that bothers me about religious folk, (or some of them at least).
We have plenty of religion threads around here. Please keep it to yourself.
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I find myself thinking like you too. This first occured for me a couple years ago when i was 15. and then i couldn't really answer why i had those thoughts until i was 16 and i arrived at a conclusion. maybe you share a similar viewpoint and might be able to share the same answer.
I dont like this world. Simple enough. I dont like the cliques, the seemingly continuous degrade of general morality, the uprising crime rates, and lack of dignity and honor some people have and their overall interactions disgust me. Of course there are hobbies etc that are interesting to me, as well as friends, but should i get hit by that bus on my way to the university, meh, its just 1 less monkey in the face of population crisis considering our world population practically tripled within the past 150 years, no biggie.
so then what was my answer, well, like the effort i'm putting into my studies, my parents put a lot of their effort into me, and i dont want to waste it. As such, my ambition to do well in school is to help my parents lean back, relax and say "ah, we did our job well". Likewise, should the arrive that they pass on, i still have 2 siblings i hold an obligation to. And if i have a family by that time, i have a responsibility to them as well.
so i set conditions. Sure, i have suicidal thoughts now and then, but my conditions aren't met yet. Parents still alive, siblings still alive, although i have no family of my own atm, when the first two conditions are met i don't know what my life will be like. (cousins and other extended family don't count). SO, until all 3 of the above are met, suicide is not allowed to somebody insignificant like me :D
not sure if that pertains to your situation at all but maybe it'll share some insight
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you talk about having friends but you actually dont talk to them, what kind of friends are that.
i've seen in other and in me that when people have it kind of easy they lose this sense of direction, its looks like this is what is hapening to you.
Also, like the one above me, some seek refuge in religion, drougs, or anything that can give you any (false) sense.
all i want to say, by living you might find some sense, some direction, you could enjoy your life; by dying, you will just disappear, and forever lose any chance to find a meaning or whatever.
thinking about death is not wrong imo, death defines life...
also, the only person that you can be sure exist is you, theres really no logic into shutdowning yourself
glhf
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On January 22 2011 10:26 ProjectVirtue wrote:
I find myself thinking like you too. This first occured for me a couple years ago when i was 15. and then i couldn't really answer why i had those thoughts until i was 16 and i arrived at a conclusion. maybe you share a similar viewpoint and might be able to share the same answer.
I dont like this world. Simple enough. I dont like the cliques, the seemingly continuous degrade of general morality, the uprising crime rates, and lack of dignity and honor some people have and their overall interactions disgust me.
if you focus on seeing negativity then that is what you will see. sure, it is reality, but it is only part of it. but you are seeing it as negative when that's actually not objectively what it is. it's much more complicated than that, and shouldn't have anything to do with what life is like for you in the present moment anyways.
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Personally i found something to live for. Besides my friends and family, I pretty much live for my sport. I workout to get better at it. I go to school so I can play it. I want a job so I can support myself to play it. My best friends play it with me. Half my network is through it. Hopefully you can find something that when thinking about it you can't help but smile and get the chills. Also, I would never kill myself merely because I wouldn't be able to listen to trance any more <3
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Hey everything you said at the start of your post to describe yourself describes me perfectly too.
You didn't mention how old you were but I had these types of thoughts when I was 15-17 and I'm 20 now.
I honestly have no real advice. I just lived life and got through that period. I slept a lot, ate very little, and mainly just listened to music / surfed the internet. None of my friends or parents knew and if I told them that I felt that way back then they would probably be very surprised as I had nothing to be depressed about, it just happened.
Just as I have no real answer for why it happened I have no real answer for why it stopped, it just did.
Only other things I want to address:
1. You said you don't know what you want to do, well I think that's totally unrelated to depression so don't worry about it, I didn't know what I wanted to do before, during, and after the depression.
2. I wouldn't advise seeking help, I think if you want to talk about it just about everyone replying here would be more then happy to exchange AIM names or w/e but to physically reach out to someone could really mess up a lot of your RL relationships. Sounds to me like the state you're in will pass, then it will just be a fuzzy memory but if you contact a psychiatrist or whatever the consequences could follow you for a long time to come, especially if you get prescribed anything.
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On January 22 2011 09:46 Haemonculus wrote:
"This is what I'm supposed to enjoy, right? This is what teenagers do. Why aren't I happy?
Because it wasn't with Orb.
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From reading this, it really seems like the problem is you have no real purpose for life, and all of those things you mentioned are just what is "supposed" to make you happy.
I'm really not sure if there's anything I can say to help. Maybe visit a professional and ask them for assistance. But ultimately, it seems like you just have to find a purpose in life, whatever it may be.
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Suicidal thoughts, not enjoying things you are "supposed to" enjoy, viewing the world and people in excessively negative light are all symptoms of depression. While it probably doesn't help that much to attach a label it might help to know that you are not alone. Some might even be from similar backgrounds.
There's medication, therapy and support groups out there that could help. There are even internet forums that deal with depression. There are people out there who were in very similar positions and ended up living a productive and happy(!) life. I'd say educate yourself and find out what's the best way for you to reach out for help.
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I think you may have depression.
You make the important distinction between "wishing I was dead" and taking steps to make that a reality ie actually being suicidal. Suicidal thoughts are very common, even with people without clinical depression, however; you might experience them more frequently and they may stay prevalent for longer.
I know people who take anti depressants and they say it makes a world of difference. There is also pyschotherapy which can teach you techniques to recognize when you are having thoughts spawned by depression and ways to deal with them.
Know that you are not alone, and things can get better. Do some soul searching and research and figure out what the right path for you is. Hang in there man -it can get better.
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if you're in highschool it's relatively normal to have thoughts like this on occasion but if they increase in frequency and violence and if you began to feel like you could take action that would harm yourself then it becomes real trouble. Of course once you're there I doubt you'll care about fixing the problem. My advice to you is stop taking things so seriously, find something you love, and relax.
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I'm recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder for similar reasons- those reasons being, I have no fucking idea. I have "suicidal" thoughts as well, all the time. It's important to distinguish the difference between suicidal thoughts and thinking that it would simply be a relief to be dead.
Suicidal thoughts would imply that you wish to kill yourself, in an act of self harm via violence or perhaps a more painless solution. If you progress to having these kinds of thoughts, you need to seek help. It is not something you will get over alone.
If you simply think it would be a relief to be dead, then it is probably just a severe case of stress, maybe depression via stress. Considering that you've said "I'm not thinking of harming myself," this is likely the case for you. What I've told myself is that death would be a relief, but so would other alternatives, such as therapy and medicine, or even just relaxing/soul searching (easier said than done, I'm aware.)
I'm not really a wealth of advice, because my weekly therapy sessions have yet to yield anything substantial, and the many medicines I've tried have had ranged side effects of seizures, dizziness, and my current medicine has caused some short term memory loss. It would be a relief to be dead, but I'm still hopeful things will change.
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On January 22 2011 09:30 lux[chavii] wrote:
First I want to thank you all for the kind words. When I read threads like this and people wrote 'my condolences' I never thought that it would matter at all, but it actually does make me feel a little better. I'm glad I was wrong.
I do have hobbies, I played the guitar for 4 years (piano before that) I'm into music generally really, I'm a member of a football team and work out regularly, I do like to dance. It all just feels as it is not worth it ultimately.
Also I really like to find out what motivates people and why they react the way the react in human interaction. I read a lot about body language etc.
However I think humans are greedy and selfish, keeping people around them for reasons they benefit from, accept jobs they hate but get just a little bit more money, get into relationships because they want to be seen with that other good-looking person or just because they get satisfaction from being wanted by another attractive human.
I think if you work hard enough anything is possible, but to me there is no point in being alive in the first place. I don't think it would matter if I live or die.
The only thing I am proud of is, that (apparently, as people tell me) I helped my brother with a rather strong case of OCD in our teens, when our parents moved around a lot for work, and generally rather had work on their mind than family.
Edit: I don't want to burden my friends with MY thoughts and problems. We are all in a stage were we are finding out what we want to do with our lives (being 21), this is hard enough for me already. I couldn't stand the thought that they have to cope with the same things, but at the same time carry my problems on top of it. I'm really proud of my friends and what they have achieved so far, it doesn't seem fair that they are hampered by something I should be able to fully control on my own.
And as I said I don't really talk to my parents about things which deeply concern me. I think I have never spoken to them about that one girl I really liked in 7th grade, about my thoughts in going into music (they say they wouldn't care if I went to university but I feel they want me to. Both are academics themselves and professors on top of that), about my feelings towards my past. I just try to keep conversations to the boring everyday small talk.
Also I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a doctor, I have problems letting people deep into my life already (like knowing personal stuff I care about). Talking to a stranger, who then gives me advice on my problems is like a no-no.
Edit2: I'm sure my friends would care, probably a great deal. Yet, I don't think it's fair that I weigh them down by my personal problems, which I don't even seem to know, while everybody else seems to be able to deal with theirs.
It makes me mad, that I'm apparently unable to do this on my own.
No man is an island! You can't be afraid to share your problems with friends and strangers. And guess what, you're doing it right now! Unfortunately, you can't get the same informed perspective from us that you can from those close to you. And Travis is right, you're friends may even enjoy having the opportunity to help you.
And I want you to imagine this. Say that you did happen to die in one of these 'accidents', what that would do to your friends. It would destroy a piece of them, and knowing that they could have helped you but didn't get the chance to would hurt them even more. We're all connected, so please don't shut yourself off from those who would do whatever they could to help you. No one would blame you for asking for help with such a serious issue.
Too often people are afraid to show their true selves, everyone wears the mask. When I have to deal with bad shit, I ask others for help and vice versa, and ultimately, it strengthens our relationship.
And if you think that your life doesn't matter, make it matter. Dedicate your brief time on this earth to something that changes people's lives. One piece of advice I think is important is never underestimate the value of a human life. Even a beggar may have something wonderful to offer the world, and a single good act can very easily set off a chain reaction (look at Terry Fox as an example). Be the cause to some effects and your life WILL matter.
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On January 22 2011 09:19 Lefnui wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2011 09:10 drewcifer wrote:
Here is a reason not to kill yourself:
You will die.
I know you know that...but just think a bit about it...use the brain that you will cease to have.... That is the dumbest thing that I've ever heard. People commit suicide in order to die. That's what they want, it's a good thing to them.
Then they can die? If you beyond any doubt don't want to live anymore, you can definitely kill yourself. As long as you've taken a long time to come to that decision, then there is no reason to try to convince you not to do it. The sad thing is when young kids kill themselves over dumb shit as a way out of a problem they have. In which case the suicides are mistakenly assuming they are taking an alternative to life.
All my humble 2 cents were that death is a horrible alternative much worse than any situation life can give you. So just rock out with your cock out until it happens? It's enough to refrain me from suicide, so I thought I'd mention it to the OP since he said he had suicidal thoughts. You must not hear many dumb things.. sorry I couldn't contribute as well as you did my brother lefnui
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I've been dealing with depression now for some time and I want to tell you, first, that you aren't alone. I also had suicidal thoughts and even spent some time in the hospital because I was quite close to doing it.
I advise you to get some help man. Or at the very least, find someone to talk to. I'd be willing. Someone I knew said something very insightful to me - at least in my opinion - about life: you've won the lottery and have the best reward, that is, the chance to be alive. Life itself is worth living for.
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On January 22 2011 12:08 Rayzorblade wrote:
I've been dealing with depression now for some time and I want to tell you, first, that you aren't alone. I also had suicidal thoughts and even spent some time in the hospital because I was quite close to doing it.
I advise you to get some help man. Or at the very least, find someone to talk to. I'd be willing. Someone I knew said something very insightful to me - at least in my opinion - about life: you've won the lottery and have the best reward, that is, the chance to be alive. Life itself is worth living for.
That's a pretty baller way of thinking about it too
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On January 22 2011 08:44 lux[chavii] wrote:
however for reasons I don't fully understand.
My parents are sort of wealthy, upper middle class and support me with a whole lot of money, I have a good social life and some really close friends, I'm decent looking and have success with the ladies, yet I keep on thinking 'I would be really sweet if that car would just lose control and ran me over.'
I'm not thinking about harming myself (not yet anyways), but I just think sometimes it would be nice to die through an accident or something along those lines.
Though I talk to my parents nearly on a daily basis, I talk about stuff which does not concern me, let alone things I really care about. They pressure me to find out what I wanna do with my life, however I'm not even sure if I really want to find out in the first place. I just feel so down most of the time when being alone. I try to mask it when I'm around people to not show my actually feelings, thus I'm known for being funny and outgoing, but on the inside it's the other way 'round.
I talk to friends about stuff, which I have care about, share hobbies with etc, but at the same time I don't want them to worry or wear them down by my thoughts, as they don't deserve that.
I'm not sure if I should seek help and if the answer is yes, if I want to seek help.
Also I'm not exactly sure why I post this, but it's definitely a good feeling to vent at an unknown entity as an anonymous.
Go talk to your GP about it. Or find a counsellor. They really do help. They pretty much act like the responses in this blog, lending an ear for you and providing you with ideas, advice, guidance, etc.
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On January 22 2011 12:20 eLiE wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2011 12:08 Rayzorblade wrote:
I've been dealing with depression now for some time and I want to tell you, first, that you aren't alone. I also had suicidal thoughts and even spent some time in the hospital because I was quite close to doing it.
I advise you to get some help man. Or at the very least, find someone to talk to. I'd be willing. Someone I knew said something very insightful to me - at least in my opinion - about life: you've won the lottery and have the best reward, that is, the chance to be alive. Life itself is worth living for. That's a pretty baller way of thinking about it too
Yeah man, I agree! If you think about it, you were that single, strong little sperm that made it into the egg. And your reward is life! It's pretty cool. 
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OP, do you love yourself? Hate yourself? I think for a lot of people, depression comes simply from deep feelings of self-loathing and/or an ingrained inferiority complex. What causes this can vary, and I don't think I could really comment on your specific case.
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you should be able to distinguish between suicidal thoughts in depression from suicidal thoughts that you might have in a curious or perverted nature
its totally okay to have sick and fucked up thoughts as a sort of curiosity or "sick" pleasure or fantasy. enjoy them, theyre part of who people are. dont worry about it, this is the age of the internet where friends joke about raping people and look at anime pictures of women with their breasts cut off and being fucked up the eyeball for fun.
but if you decide you're actually borderline psychotic or on the edge of mental control in that you feel that you could actually pursue these sick thoughts, then you should definately seek medical help for depression (just get some tablets, you'll feel a little bit better to begin with just for having them). absolutely stay away from alcohol if this is the case, and immediately join a gym(!)
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On January 22 2011 12:35 luckyseven wrote:
you should be able to distinguish between suicidal thoughts in depression from suicidal thoughts that you might have in a curious or perverted nature
its totally okay to have sick and fucked up thoughts as a sort of curiosity or "sick" pleasure or fantasy. enjoy them, theyre part of who people are. dont worry about it, this is the age of the internet where friends joke about raping people and look at anime pictures of women with their breasts cut off and being fucked up the eyeball for fun.
but if you decide you're actually borderline psychotic or on the edge of mental control in that you feel that you could actually pursue these sick thoughts, then you should definately seek medical help for depression (just get some tablets, you'll feel a little bit better to begin with just for having them). absolutely stay away from alcohol if this is the case, and immediately join a gym(!)
:O Tablets are not the answer unless he's exhausted all other options, and he isn't sick! The thoughts aren't 'sick', everyone experiences them from time to time. He's just got a personal issue he needs to address.
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Maybe you need to just try some more unorthodox hobbies? Definitely go see a therapist because depression is often a hormone imbalance. But in your free time try stuff like cooking, fishing, reading, making RPGs, making videos, or something. Simple stuff like that might make you motivated. Although I haven't had the time yet, I really want to learn to cook. The whole concept seems like a modern alchemist - making shit into delicious stuff.
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On January 22 2011 10:18 Haemonculus wrote:Show nested quote +On January 22 2011 10:13 danl9rm wrote:
Jeremiah 29:11-12
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
Me and my wife will pray for you. This is exactly the sort of arrogance that bothers me about religious folk, (or some of them at least). We have plenty of religion threads around here. Please keep it to yourself.
There is no arrogance in that statement. Have you missed what is happening in this thread? OP describes something that's going wrong. Everyone has posted something slightly different in their own way - suggestions, rationalizations, dark humor - all of it intended to support someone, someone we don't even know, yet wish to help in some little way. In the end there's nothing we can do but be there for the person, the person we do not know. It can be a helpless feeling; we want to feel like we're being the most help we can. Some give supportive words, some give suggestions, and some pray. There's nothing wrong with any of it . I want to keep the discussion on the OP, so if you need to comment further please message me.
OP, though TL is hardly a reliable medical source, you are describing symptoms and common experiences of depression. Only a professional can tell you for certain, but I understand your concern for sharing things with strangers. That's ok. You have your friends and you seem to trust them. Sure, we may want to be the friend who supports others selflessly without causing undue burden. This simply isn't possible. We're not robots and need help. I didn't find this out until I was 22 and completely out of my mind with what turned out to be an anxiety disorder (I didn't do anything about it for a year and a half). Friends help friends who are down, especially when you've been there for them. You really need to confide in someone. I'd suggest choosing the person you trust the most and just talk. Having been the person talking, it almost feels wrong and I had no clue why I was spilling my true feelings out (but after I dropped the burden of dealing with it on my own I finally felt a shred of hope). Having also been the person who has listened, I found that nothing was more important than hearing them out and helping them the best way I could (which, for the most part, is just listening).
Only you can decide if you want to get additional help. It's generally a good idea to listen to your friends if they're all urging you to get some help (especially if suicidal thoughts persist). There's no shame in professional help; I learned to live with my anxiety disorder with the help of a therapist PLUS I do it without medication. While you may not be able to totally control what you feel, you CAN control what you do about it!
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Its suppose to be a sign of depression. see if you have any other symptoms.. there are a bunch of sites with the symptoms if you just look up "depression symptoms"
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If you don't have anything to achieve or work hard for. It is often hard to see a purpose in daily life. But I believe depression to be in a state of dissatisfaction.
People that buy and work hard for their own things often enjoy them more. It is odd, but if things are gifted or easy to get with absolutely no work. These things will have little value to you. This will happen in life and with your mindset. If things aren't being worked for or a high goal is in mind. It's hard to have a reason to go on because of the unsureness of being satisfied with life.
People that suggest seeing help or try getting a mate. These are goals and you have to work on doing these things. Because it is difficult you will be enjoying doing it and feel some comfort because you are coming up on top. It doesn't really matter what you do as long as it has this pattern involved and you get satisfaction from your own actions.
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reminds me of the poem richard cory
+ Show Spoiler +Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine -- we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.
suicide is never an answer my friend. my advice would be to start working out or running. set a goal and work toward it, and it doesn't necessarily have to do with what i suggested. talking about it to someone, even posting here was a good idea, these thoughts aren't meant to be bottled up.
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On January 22 2011 08:47 Marradron wrote:Is it just me or is this post empty ?
hahaha I lol'd at this! ^_^
well to add contribution to your situation OP, first things first is to get help from someone.. doesn't really need to be a shrink. Just a friend you think that truly understands your emotions (nothing cheese here) you know someone who's an outlet to your problems and wouldn't diss you because you're an emo (I had friends that doesn't want to hang out with some of my other friends because they're really depressed and destroys the mood when we drink beer).
Also, try going out with a girl dude.. find someone you can be with and well one that wouldn't break your heart. I think first time I lost depression syndromes is when I learned to love someone and that's the time I appreciated my life and love ones. If you can, try as much to shrug off the negative thoughts since that's where it all starts.
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Find your dream, your passion, anything that motivates you. Get a job, find out what it feels like to enjoy the fruits of your own work. The feeling of accomplishment is amazing, and that's what I live for.
And there're so many TLers, strangers that you've never met before, trying to help you. Isn't life great? : )
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Canada13389 Posts
Its ok to share your problems with those close to you and getting some help might be the best option. I had some similar feelings when I was confused about what I wanted to do but being able to share feelings with others and working my way through it helped and I think it can help you too.
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do some charity work. it might make you feel better.
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On January 22 2011 09:30 lux[chavii] wrote:
Also I really like to find out what motivates people and why they react the way the react in human interaction. I read a lot about body language etc.
However I think humans are greedy and selfish, keeping people around them for reasons they benefit from, accept jobs they hate but get just a little bit more money, get into relationships because they want to be seen with that other good-looking person or just because they get satisfaction from being wanted by another attractive human.
I think if you work hard enough anything is possible, but to me there is no point in being alive in the first place. I don't think it would matter if I live or die.
I'm really proud of my friends and what they have achieved so far, it doesn't seem fair that they are hampered by something I should be able to fully control on my own.
OP I think you're too smart for your own good. I'm not just saying that to make you trust me. I often think about the same things that you do. Are you taking psychology courses?
However I think you should talk to your friends. You may think that what you are dealing with should be something you can control, but it obviously isn't. Admit that it isn't, and go seek help from your closest friends.
Not having any concern about whether you live or die doesn't sound wrong to me. That doesn't mean that I'll jump off the CN tower anytime soon.
Here's a post I made today, with a quote from Doctor Manhattan. I'm not copying and pasting it because I want to be lazy. I simply think that it may be relevant to your current situation.
Show nested quote +
In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon.
A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?
Life isn't something magical, it's just a phenomena that occurred. Life is just some sustainable structure. It finds ways to reproduce and therefore has existed for a long time. Manhattan goes on to say somewhere else along the movie that if the earth were to disappear that, the universe would not care. Manhattan really has a way of putting your entire life into perspective. For a second you try to think from the vantage point of an impartial observer. You won't see life on Earth, you'll just see a collection of sustainable systems. These systems won't have free thoughts, they'll have deterministic electrochemical reactions leading them to the illusion of free will (this is my own belief, I do not require everyone else to see things this way). I personally, realize that I can't really see the world from the perspective of an impartial observer. It's physically impossible to exit my body or mind. I can only imagine what it would be like to see things from some other perspective. For this reason, all my troubles, all my thoughts, they aren't just perceived to be important. To me, they are important.
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I know *exactly* how you feel.
For people like you and me, let me explain to you something that to most people, just doesn't make sense
Happiness isn't important. It doesn't get you anywhere. Being "happy" should not be a priority in life - doing things that make you happy for some people, just doesn't get them anywhere. They do things, and feel frustrated when they arn't happy, or that even if they are happy, it just doesn't feel right.
Until for someone like yourself, you learn to let go of happiness, you'll be fumbling around, obsessing constantly about happiness all day every day. Why am i not happy? I have everything going for me, awesome family, fantastic career prospects, good financial security, good hobbies and lots of free time, friends etc.
But i'm still not happy?
Importantly, there are things that make you sad too. Things that make you depressed. Like seeing that girl you really liked and connected with go out with some guy you hate who is a total jerk
Or being purposely socially outcasted, and its not your fault
And then maybe, you did something bad, something to retaliate. And you knew it would only make you feel worse, because you will be the perpetrator, and everyone else will be the victim
Maybe, you can't change, you don't want to change. You see those happy people out there, just being happy all the time, and you don't understand how they do it. They havn't thought of their life like you have, and they arn't in the rut
Depressed people obsess about happiness more than everyone else. Everyone else is just.. happy. They only get sad when circumstances are bad for them
Depressed people are depressed regardless of their circumstances
So let go, be free. Happiness just isnt important. It doesn't accomplish you anything
It is the tough, depressing times, that shape and define you as a person. That girl you liked, she makes you angry and sad, and theres nothing you can do about it.
Its hard to have goals when you don't know what you are doing with them, or why i need them
But nowadays, it doesn't matter if i am happy, or if i am really depressed. It just is. It's not an important part of my life. I try my best to not obsess. Some things still rile me up, and i just have to let go, and keep going
And then now i'm free. I'm no longer burdened with the obsession that i need to be happy. I do things to better myself as a person, i experiment with interacting with people in different ways, i get on with my life and push myself to improve.
And then maybe, just maybe, i can experience a little happiness along the way.
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EPT
