EPT![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/TXUFt.jpg)
Faith.
–noun
1.
confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2.
belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3.
belief in god or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4.
belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
1.
confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2.
belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3.
belief in god or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4.
belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
I am not a man of Religion. I am a man of logic and reason. I see with my eyes, believe with my eyes, and fight for dreams I believe to be tangible and realistic.
Yet as time has proven, my dreams are not realistic. They are not realistic because I will never live to accomplish them. As a person I am inferior to everyone else, I am weaker and more frail.
Yet I had the faith to bear the burden of my work for over a decade. I had faith that perhaps, one day, I could bring my dreams to life.
http://www.gameproc.com/meskstuff/Shuttlevoicetest.mp3
http://www.gameproc.com/meskstuff/AO2/AS3base_AStest2.mp3
Everything I have ever done, be it voice acting, sound engineering, modeling or music composition, has been in service of these dreams.
Logic dictates that, with practice, one shall improve in his ventures over time. Yet this is where logic falls apart in the most basic, and grandest, of mechanics behind my being. For simply acting upon any given venture is no guarantee that I'll improve. In fact, I've often traveled backwards. In 2003 I created a voice and editing set I've never been able to recreate since, despite many efforts, and remains my best work from my eyes.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/ZQ4aP.jpg)
If I am to believe that a man can achieve anything, then truly a man can defeat his own genetics. A man can rewrite his future. Yet I must also acknowledge that I am no man, that I am a shadow of what could have been.
I must also accept that this means I will never co-exist with others.
I speak today out of anger, not sadness. For anger burns my heart this hour greater than any this year thus far. An anger boundless, drawn from many corners of my ruin. I am frustrated. Like any man, I become angry when I am frustrated.
I am frustrated because I know that most of my peers, those who I'd otherwise consider friend, rest their relationships upon preconceptions and stereotypes. That this affects their actions - nay, dictates their actions. And so they spite me, and work against me, even though they've grown to depend on me elsewhere.
I am frustrated because, despite the will to forge ahead, I've been unable to learn anything new, or progress in anywhere meaningful, for four years, soon five.
If I was to choose one venture to focus upon wholly and utterly, I'd choose my novel. Because the lessons learned in writing are plain, easy even for my battered mind to understand. I learn something new with every pass. It is a linear progression; I cannot continue without improving. Yet I've so quickly and easily reached an evolutionary standstill for such progression, a mere 300 or so pages in of the 1300 revision and 2600 projected final pagecount. Such work is not to be taken lightly! Yet no progress, for the reasons stated in previous blogs.
The UDK project is viable, and possible. I've sorted out the meanings for my character graphics resources, focusing largely on Oblivion user-made content that is under acceptable usage terms (though my project will remain private regardless). I know how to port this content, but it is a tremendous amount of work just to get the foundations laid out, and organize what I have available! Any normal man could do this. It would take time, yes, but they are capable of it. I've yet to start.
I am frustrated because I've been unable to conquer my own corruption. Twenty-three years old and I am still a slave to psychosis and madness. I am no man. I am no child. I am less than dust.
It is true that anger is a greater empowering energy than despair, yet within anger I find no longer find respite. I have thus thrown away all hopes and dreams of a greater future, and instead work for the moment.
I finished uploading my Brutal campaign playthrough of SC2 onto youtube, and continue casually casting replays on my to-do list. At the same time, I've started recording an Apocalyptic playthrough of Darksiders, which is also destined to be uploaded to youtube in 1920x1200. A lot of logistics work when my audience remains so small, but work I mind no less. In my final hours, when I cannot even rise out of bed, I will need this content to bide my time.
My mood swings so wildly. One moment I am screaming at nukes falling in an FFA, the second I cannot control my rage, another I cannot see through my tears. Reality is a cruel beast, mastered by no man but he who no longer strides this world. That I strode the world of dreams and imagination so long is what has granted me reprieve all these years, but no longer is this world stable or meaningful. It, too, has died at long last.
The heart weeps. The mind burns. The body aches.
Yet faith must remain. Faith must remain in the actions of the past and in the energy of the future. That in so dark a ruin there may yet be strength to be found, to be forged upon. No one ever said forging a future would be possible, much less easy. I never allowed myself to harbor a fool's hope, only the acknowledgment that while possibilities are endless they are also very distant.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/EdWCy.jpg)
Winter offers no respite. Not the cold, nary the silence. So grand a moment distant in the face of so terrible a world. A world of fear, despair, and hatred. It is the same riddle the mind has always spoken of, that to conquer the sword you must conquer the mind. This we know, yet no closer are we to doing so.
How is it I can convey to the modern man; a world to live within writhing in thorns, burning alive with his own life force?
No. I know where it all went wrong. It all went wrong because you started to give a shit.
Truly, the only way a person like me can exist and remain at least partly stable is to become a harsh cynic and pessimist. To lose strength to false hope is to throw oneself to the deepest pits of hell, for it has happened many times, and I've the scars to prove it. Thus, one cannot allow oneself hope. Not for anything, even the slightest of notions!
To consume yourself in the moment of energy. To draw upon this energy until you can bear no longer. The moment of the energy can be defined by anything that grants you peace, known as Silence. Silence, to quell the raging maelstrom inside the mind. A maelstrom that grants thee physical pain most distasteful! Any respite is welcome. Rare it is, thus you must treasure it while you can.
Thus: Silence of the Motion.
Motion
Consider for this moment your current train of thought. To quantify it in a means easy for this crowd, we'll consider Starcraft.
Your goal is to defeat your opponent.
In my mind, to visualize Motion is to visualize a single string, such as that of a violin. Accessing this "string", aka to play music, is to access the energy of motion.
Yet the string itself is called Focus. It waves and vibrates, depending on your focus. To utilize the energy is to access the motion, but to focus is to maintain balance, and Motion and Focus unify to move at all.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/qCumW.jpg)
Yet there are other things in motion, for I find that no matter the individual, they rarely can become truly focused. There is always something else in motion. Again, to use Starcraft as an example, Macro, economy, paying attention to the minimap, upgrading, and other things overlay your primary function - to overcome your opponent.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/onwHX.jpg)
Depending on the individual, you will find they have difficulty keeping all of these things in check. It is difficult to maintain balance, to concentrate. These stray thoughts fling about at random and are impossible to control. Perhaps for the modern man this is different... but for me, the entire picture is very different.
For all the nuances of complication in thought, there is but a key fundamental difference above them all that kills me.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/Ih5tt.jpg)
For there is many things containing Motion at any period, each with their own subroutines! Consider playing versus Bisu, Jaedong, Boxer, Reach, all at once, on different computers. Difficult, yes? That is how my mind is like... on good days. A chorus of conflicting motions of which you have zero control over. The mind strays, and it strays quickly, spiraling into madness at the slightest provocation. Only in the most extreme of circumstances can I achieve Silence - to unify the motions, to calm the maelstrom. In the past these occurred when I pushed myself to extreme levels of uptime - multiple days, sometimes a week, usually focused on a single subject.
Thus it is as I say - glorify the moment, for they come so rarely. When I achieved a moment of Silence I would sacrifice everything - physical health, other objectives, - and risk more yet to pursue this Silence, to harvest the energy of Motion and to challenge myself to accomplish great things. And so I did. For many subjects that I've shown you in the past, such as the models, are byproducts of these actions.
Yet even in moments of Silence there is still distraction and corruption. The mind is never truly stilled, only Silenced. It still twitches and writhes under my grip, refusing my commands and refusing to give way to reason and Motion.
But these were years past. In years recent the chaos has only worsened, to the point that my physical actions are effected. Walking into walls, hallucinations, completely losing sensation of the physical world and daydreaming mid-stride, down to the enormous anxiety attacks that drive my heart into Arrhythmia. It doesn't help that I don't even need anxiety attacks to achieve the latter any more.
All of my work has always been plagued with malfunctions in my thought processes, even when I was young and still strong. This corruption, this ambiguous and difficult to comprehend curse, accompanied by vague sensations of the brain crawling around inside my skull accented with sharp and violent stabbing pains. I have no words to describe it, and in all my years no diagnosis has ever been settled upon, only abandoned, as I spoke of before.
Such is only the tip of the corruption that plagues my actions, but such is grand enough to halt all of my ventures in life.
It is as I say! A moment is needed. A moment to absorb oneself in and artificially prolong for days if possible. A moment to relive the glory days... to relive the past. For even though I loathe the past, I envy it as well, an age where I could challenge my dreams and accomplish the impossible.
That my peers work to undermine my dreams, work to veil the past, no forgiveness can be given. Only the awakening of fury, and only the tempering of the troll's club. For when you have nothing left to confide in, nothing left to have faith in, harbor faith for the strength that carried you thus far, and the hardships you endured to reach an age where you could remember the past and revere it.
Faith for the Fallen. Faith for Silence.
