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Well, it's hard to say whether your post is fiction or personal confession but it is quite moving.
Just in case it's the latter... let me tell you my story. Perhaps it will help you with yours.
I'm a man of middle age. I've been given a lot and I wasted a lot, and a lot I have lost. I've been a smalltown hero and a hysterical mess. I've been adored and put on pedestals, I've been betrayed by best friends and my own burning passion. I've been trampled and ridiculed and made an example of.
Countless times I should have loved those I despised and despised those I sucked up to like a small grovelling dog.
In my vanity I squandered time and money and beauty and honest affection, pausing at nothing, weighing nothing. Just blabbering and judging and bickering and hurting and crawling into a pit of self-pity, puffed up like a ridiculous frog.
In the brief meantime, death took my father and I am no longer young. Soon enough, my beauty will leave me as well, and with it my pride.
I've learned, though and now I know. There is only one truth.
Being at peace with the world and the will to become something more, judged not by others but only yourself.
To die a greater man than you were born... is at once evolution and faith.
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On November 29 2010 23:05 Thrill wrote:
Are you by any chance using a logitech mouse? I see heavy correction there :o
Yes but that's actually the grid in Photoshop haha. I have that enabled so I can grid out WoW character skin textures and have a good guess where parts of the body starts/ends since it seems that they conformed to that grid...
Dude - you're 23, did you seriously expect to accomplish all your life goals by now?
Accomplish, no. But I've been working at them for nearly 11 years now. Nothing has been accomplished, or progressed, at all. Progress in my eyes is true, genuine success. Completing the first draft of my novel as I should have in the span of 2010 would have been one such accomplishment, and was perfectly possible. Now I do not believe I have enough time left in my life, or at least in sanity, to ever finish it at this rate.
Well, it's hard to say whether your post is fiction or personal confession but it is quite moving.
This is the reality I face, and have faced, all my existence.
What you say is true, and I spoke of those who would vie against me. Those who would speak to me of riddles and charades that have been woven for many years past. I challenge them now... to speak their minds. That I may rend my judgment, and leave them behind forever soon after, should they say the wrong words. It is as I left behind society many years ago. This is much the same decision, with the same implications.
I do this now so that I may shed this weight for all eternity.
I've never had beauty nor fame or glory, at least not as modern men would see it. Perhaps I could have had fame, if my ventures were true and reached their goals. But I'll never know the taste of these things to lose them, I can only dream of what most people will take for granted for their entire lives.
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You lost me after the first wall of text. I don't buy into your premise that you have to accomplish "tangible and realistic" dreams to be happy. Sooner or later you realize that you will never be able to fulfill all your dreams. The best thing you can do is stop resting your happiness on whether or not you become successful in these areas. True happiness really isn't predicated on anything but the individual. This is of course just my personal opinion, but I've thought it out quite a bit over the years and discussed it quite a bit (I've been taking philosophy/humanities for the past 5 years). That being said, dreams are a wonderful thing to have. Being able to get up and work on something you like is really all you can ask. You just need to be prepared to accept that you may not succeed, and be fine with that.
You really need to explain your metaphors better. I understand that what you are trying to explain is difficult, but stopping to explain what Silence, Motion, Focus, Stillness, and Corruption. You obviously know what you're talking about, but as a reader I have no idea what you mean by each of these terms. I don't know if the main purpose of writing this is just cathartic, or you actually want to engage the reader (I assume you do because of all the pretty pictures).
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Not everyone will understand what I'm posting, nor do I aim for everyone to understand. I'm mostly just reciting stray thoughts in my head. The metaphors are ways of quantifying the way thoughts work. They are very difficult to describe in a manner that is logical and reasonable to someone who doesn't think at all like I do.
This blog is also one in a string of many on this subject... so, eh.
Happiness is a difficult subject. I'll probably never know how to define it, or how to achieve it. But I know that people are at their best when they are engaged in doing something they enjoy most. In the old days, I enjoyed being able to work and progress on my various ventures. But in the last few years all I've had are scattered attempts, all failures.
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uhh dude there are ppl who enjoy your work, I've watched your videos, and went to your uploads to find more because they were pretty authentic to my taste. That's like not an easy task at all in itself.
If you're feeling worthless, just remember that I've spent my time watching your videos and I'm a fucking champion so chin up imo. If it makes you feel any better I'm pretty sure at least 95% of our requirements that determine self worth are really just socially impressed things that don't fucking matter at all if you just accept that you are monkey #40414014014 living on planet #40340204024 in universe #420410442, fuck the rest you don't have to do anything in this life only live. That could make you feel worse though, or you probably considered it already and it's just basically impossible to ignore society entirely. Oh well, people suffered a whole lot worse than you or I in the passed. Now that I mention that I just want to say that we all currently live like fucking kings and due to human psychology we will rarely ever acknowledge that fact in our daily lives. Anytime you get what you want, it starts to suck and you'll want something else. Maybe that's our little trick for evolving or progressing into the future idk. tbh I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing the majority of this....THE main point I wanted to convey is that your youtube channel alone is enough of an accomplishment to surpass what many people have done and I enjoy your work and humor. PAYCE
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On November 30 2010 05:04 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On November 29 2010 23:05 Thrill wrote:
Are you by any chance using a logitech mouse? I see heavy correction there :o Yes but that's actually the grid in Photoshop haha. I have that enabled so I can grid out WoW character skin textures and have a good guess where parts of the body starts/ends since it seems that they conformed to that grid... Show nested quote +Dude - you're 23, did you seriously expect to accomplish all your life goals by now? Accomplish, no. But I've been working at them for nearly 11 years now. Nothing has been accomplished, or progressed, at all. Progress in my eyes is true, genuine success. Completing the first draft of my novel as I should have in the span of 2010 would have been one such accomplishment, and was perfectly possible. Now I do not believe I have enough time left in my life, or at least in sanity, to ever finish it at this rate. Show nested quote +Well, it's hard to say whether your post is fiction or personal confession but it is quite moving. This is the reality I face, and have faced, all my existence. What you say is true, and I spoke of those who would vie against me. Those who would speak to me of riddles and charades that have been woven for many years past. I challenge them now... to speak their minds. That I may rend my judgment, and leave them behind forever soon after, should they say the wrong words. It is as I left behind society many years ago. This is much the same decision, with the same implications. I do this now so that I may shed this weight for all eternity. I've never had beauty nor fame or glory, at least not as modern men would see it. Perhaps I could have had fame, if my ventures were true and reached their goals. But I'll never know the taste of these things to lose them, I can only dream of what most people will take for granted for their entire lives.
Sir, it seems like you lack the proper models upon which to gaze upon and look up to. You need a teacher.
You say it is impossible to finish your current endeavor (writing the first draft of a novel) and have absolutely no determination to try, to finish, or to even believe in the hope of success. Your life has not turned out exactly the way you envisioned and you allow it to take a hold of your life and consume your mind.
But how can you complain of this trivial obstacle when others before you have truly done the truest of impossibles? If Hannibal Barca, was as weak-minded and sullen as you, could he have surpassed the dangers of the Pyrenees and the slopes of the Alps? After his father was slain in cold blood, after Carthage had abandoned him in Rome, when his attempts to scale the walls of Rome were fruitless after 17 years, he never gave up until his dying breath. After he lost it all in the battle against Scipio, he took his service and promise of never ending war against Rome to another city state. Hannibal Barca went down in history as one of the greatest military leaders ever to grace this earth. The trials and tribulations he faced never deterred him from putting up a smile for his men, facing their hardships, sleeping and eating alongside them. The odds were against him and yet he forged a fighting machine from the simple machinations of his will. The Carthaginian force was a rabble of mercenaries and forcefully recruited arms. And yet the men followed Hannibal to the gates of hell (Rome) and he accomplished the impossible.
Belisarius, a Byzantine Roman general, also went through similar woe and strife during his career under Justinian (Byzantine Emperor). After, winning successive battles and gaining fame throughout the land (campaigns in Africa), he was forced from his position by Justinian due to selfish interests of the royal court. And yet, after being betrayed, he came back when his Emperor needed him most, forgiving the past crimes done against him. He never lost a battle.
You seem to know something about the Korean culture; I am sure you have heard of Yi Sun Shin, the greatest hero of the Koreas. He was an admiral of the West Fleet during the Japanese invasion by Hideyoshi (Imjin War). Like Belisarius, Admiral Yi Sun Shin was taken by the intrigues of the royal court and the scheming of a rival general. He was stripped of command, humiliated, and nearly put to death even after winning numerous sea battles against the Japanese. They put him in a fucking oxcart.
Could you even fathom how that must have felt? He worked tirelessly and faithfully for Korea and the king. There was not another man who could have held a candle to his loyalty to the state and his love of country. Nowhere, in Korea was there a military man who had done more for Korea; singlehandedly holding off complete Japanese victory. And then to be betrayed by a fellow general, to have his own master stab him in the back, to become humiliated by the ones he saved, and then nearly put to death for all his efforts. How could a man not become bitter and hateful after such an event? It would have made monsters out of most men!
But when Won Gyun, the rival commander, lost Admiral Yi's entire naval force in the disastrous Battle of Chilcheollyang (pretty much right after he took over command), Korea shamelessly asked for the help of Yi Sun Shin. Won Gyun lost 169 ships that day, 169 ships that Admiral Yi had painstakingly built up during all the years of the Imjin War.
Thus, Admiral Yi was reaffirmed as commander of the nearly non-existent Korean fleet...he had 13 ships left (12 of which survived the catastrophe of Chilcheollyang). Bull shit. The cards dealt to Admiral Yi are as shitty as you can get. How was he supposed to defeat the 1000+ ships of the Japanese navy with 13 ships of the line? And why should he risk his life and reputation for Korea when she had treacherously betrayed him and took everything from him?
Battle of Myeongnyang
13 Korean vessels vs 133 Japanese warships and over 200 Japanese support vessels. Admiral Yi would go on to win this battle without losing a single ship. Only 5 Korean casualties occurred during the entire fight and the wrath of Yi Sun Shin inflicted 12,000 casualties on the Japanese. I urge you to read how the tactical genius defeated his foes. This is a case of 100 Mutalisks against one Phoenix.
When the world turns it's back on you, when everything is crumbling down, even though you are in the dumps, though the world encourages you to give up, and when the going gets tough...never give up. Because now you must know that there is a path to hope and from hope...glory. Believe in yourself and the limitless potential of humanity. Because now you know that those before you have trodden the path that you find yourself trapped, and they have ever so walked upon it gloriously.
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EPT
