|
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/TXUFt.jpg)
Faith.
–noun
1.
confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2.
belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3.
belief in god or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4.
belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
I am not a man of Religion. I am a man of logic and reason. I see with my eyes, believe with my eyes, and fight for dreams I believe to be tangible and realistic.
Yet as time has proven, my dreams are not realistic. They are not realistic because I will never live to accomplish them. As a person I am inferior to everyone else, I am weaker and more frail.
Yet I had the faith to bear the burden of my work for over a decade. I had faith that perhaps, one day, I could bring my dreams to life.
http://www.gameproc.com/meskstuff/Shuttlevoicetest.mp3
http://www.gameproc.com/meskstuff/AO2/AS3base_AStest2.mp3
Everything I have ever done, be it voice acting, sound engineering, modeling or music composition, has been in service of these dreams.
Logic dictates that, with practice, one shall improve in his ventures over time. Yet this is where logic falls apart in the most basic, and grandest, of mechanics behind my being. For simply acting upon any given venture is no guarantee that I'll improve. In fact, I've often traveled backwards. In 2003 I created a voice and editing set I've never been able to recreate since, despite many efforts, and remains my best work from my eyes.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/ZQ4aP.jpg)
If I am to believe that a man can achieve anything, then truly a man can defeat his own genetics. A man can rewrite his future. Yet I must also acknowledge that I am no man, that I am a shadow of what could have been.
I must also accept that this means I will never co-exist with others.
I speak today out of anger, not sadness. For anger burns my heart this hour greater than any this year thus far. An anger boundless, drawn from many corners of my ruin. I am frustrated. Like any man, I become angry when I am frustrated.
I am frustrated because I know that most of my peers, those who I'd otherwise consider friend, rest their relationships upon preconceptions and stereotypes. That this affects their actions - nay, dictates their actions. And so they spite me, and work against me, even though they've grown to depend on me elsewhere.
I am frustrated because, despite the will to forge ahead, I've been unable to learn anything new, or progress in anywhere meaningful, for four years, soon five.
If I was to choose one venture to focus upon wholly and utterly, I'd choose my novel. Because the lessons learned in writing are plain, easy even for my battered mind to understand. I learn something new with every pass. It is a linear progression; I cannot continue without improving. Yet I've so quickly and easily reached an evolutionary standstill for such progression, a mere 300 or so pages in of the 1300 revision and 2600 projected final pagecount. Such work is not to be taken lightly! Yet no progress, for the reasons stated in previous blogs.
The UDK project is viable, and possible. I've sorted out the meanings for my character graphics resources, focusing largely on Oblivion user-made content that is under acceptable usage terms (though my project will remain private regardless). I know how to port this content, but it is a tremendous amount of work just to get the foundations laid out, and organize what I have available! Any normal man could do this. It would take time, yes, but they are capable of it. I've yet to start.
I am frustrated because I've been unable to conquer my own corruption. Twenty-three years old and I am still a slave to psychosis and madness. I am no man. I am no child. I am less than dust.
It is true that anger is a greater empowering energy than despair, yet within anger I find no longer find respite. I have thus thrown away all hopes and dreams of a greater future, and instead work for the moment.
I finished uploading my Brutal campaign playthrough of SC2 onto youtube, and continue casually casting replays on my to-do list. At the same time, I've started recording an Apocalyptic playthrough of Darksiders, which is also destined to be uploaded to youtube in 1920x1200. A lot of logistics work when my audience remains so small, but work I mind no less. In my final hours, when I cannot even rise out of bed, I will need this content to bide my time.
My mood swings so wildly. One moment I am screaming at nukes falling in an FFA, the second I cannot control my rage, another I cannot see through my tears. Reality is a cruel beast, mastered by no man but he who no longer strides this world. That I strode the world of dreams and imagination so long is what has granted me reprieve all these years, but no longer is this world stable or meaningful. It, too, has died at long last.
The heart weeps. The mind burns. The body aches.
Yet faith must remain. Faith must remain in the actions of the past and in the energy of the future. That in so dark a ruin there may yet be strength to be found, to be forged upon. No one ever said forging a future would be possible, much less easy. I never allowed myself to harbor a fool's hope, only the acknowledgment that while possibilities are endless they are also very distant.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/EdWCy.jpg)
Winter offers no respite. Not the cold, nary the silence. So grand a moment distant in the face of so terrible a world. A world of fear, despair, and hatred. It is the same riddle the mind has always spoken of, that to conquer the sword you must conquer the mind. This we know, yet no closer are we to doing so.
How is it I can convey to the modern man; a world to live within writhing in thorns, burning alive with his own life force?
No. I know where it all went wrong. It all went wrong because you started to give a shit.
Truly, the only way a person like me can exist and remain at least partly stable is to become a harsh cynic and pessimist. To lose strength to false hope is to throw oneself to the deepest pits of hell, for it has happened many times, and I've the scars to prove it. Thus, one cannot allow oneself hope. Not for anything, even the slightest of notions!
To consume yourself in the moment of energy. To draw upon this energy until you can bear no longer. The moment of the energy can be defined by anything that grants you peace, known as Silence. Silence, to quell the raging maelstrom inside the mind. A maelstrom that grants thee physical pain most distasteful! Any respite is welcome. Rare it is, thus you must treasure it while you can.
Thus: Silence of the Motion.
Motion
Consider for this moment your current train of thought. To quantify it in a means easy for this crowd, we'll consider Starcraft.
Your goal is to defeat your opponent.
In my mind, to visualize Motion is to visualize a single string, such as that of a violin. Accessing this "string", aka to play music, is to access the energy of motion.
Yet the string itself is called Focus. It waves and vibrates, depending on your focus. To utilize the energy is to access the motion, but to focus is to maintain balance, and Motion and Focus unify to move at all.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/qCumW.jpg)
Yet there are other things in motion, for I find that no matter the individual, they rarely can become truly focused. There is always something else in motion. Again, to use Starcraft as an example, Macro, economy, paying attention to the minimap, upgrading, and other things overlay your primary function - to overcome your opponent.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/onwHX.jpg)
Depending on the individual, you will find they have difficulty keeping all of these things in check. It is difficult to maintain balance, to concentrate. These stray thoughts fling about at random and are impossible to control. Perhaps for the modern man this is different... but for me, the entire picture is very different.
For all the nuances of complication in thought, there is but a key fundamental difference above them all that kills me.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/Ih5tt.jpg)
For there is many things containing Motion at any period, each with their own subroutines! Consider playing versus Bisu, Jaedong, Boxer, Reach, all at once, on different computers. Difficult, yes? That is how my mind is like... on good days. A chorus of conflicting motions of which you have zero control over. The mind strays, and it strays quickly, spiraling into madness at the slightest provocation. Only in the most extreme of circumstances can I achieve Silence - to unify the motions, to calm the maelstrom. In the past these occurred when I pushed myself to extreme levels of uptime - multiple days, sometimes a week, usually focused on a single subject.
Thus it is as I say - glorify the moment, for they come so rarely. When I achieved a moment of Silence I would sacrifice everything - physical health, other objectives, - and risk more yet to pursue this Silence, to harvest the energy of Motion and to challenge myself to accomplish great things. And so I did. For many subjects that I've shown you in the past, such as the models, are byproducts of these actions.
Yet even in moments of Silence there is still distraction and corruption. The mind is never truly stilled, only Silenced. It still twitches and writhes under my grip, refusing my commands and refusing to give way to reason and Motion.
But these were years past. In years recent the chaos has only worsened, to the point that my physical actions are effected. Walking into walls, hallucinations, completely losing sensation of the physical world and daydreaming mid-stride, down to the enormous anxiety attacks that drive my heart into Arrhythmia. It doesn't help that I don't even need anxiety attacks to achieve the latter any more.
All of my work has always been plagued with malfunctions in my thought processes, even when I was young and still strong. This corruption, this ambiguous and difficult to comprehend curse, accompanied by vague sensations of the brain crawling around inside my skull accented with sharp and violent stabbing pains. I have no words to describe it, and in all my years no diagnosis has ever been settled upon, only abandoned, as I spoke of before.
Such is only the tip of the corruption that plagues my actions, but such is grand enough to halt all of my ventures in life.
It is as I say! A moment is needed. A moment to absorb oneself in and artificially prolong for days if possible. A moment to relive the glory days... to relive the past. For even though I loathe the past, I envy it as well, an age where I could challenge my dreams and accomplish the impossible.
That my peers work to undermine my dreams, work to veil the past, no forgiveness can be given. Only the awakening of fury, and only the tempering of the troll's club. For when you have nothing left to confide in, nothing left to have faith in, harbor faith for the strength that carried you thus far, and the hardships you endured to reach an age where you could remember the past and revere it.
Faith for the Fallen. Faith for Silence.
 
|
I don't know what the fuck I just read, but it was beautifully done.
xD
|
I only quickly scanned through this (I'll definitely read it more thoroughly later), and I maintain that you're probably one of the most unappreciated people/bloggers here.
You'll write a gigantic wall of thoughts and get like 20 comments and a relatively low view count. :C
Nice entry >///<
|
|
|
Question: Do I have to respond poetically?
|
i still wanna read your book
|
On November 29 2010 15:53 keV. wrote:
Question: Do I have to respond poetically?
nah u can respond howevr u fele lyk ^_______^
I need more decent FFA replays. Or just humorous replays in general.
sorry
it's ok I forgive you bro
wait, what?
|
I never know how to respond to your blogs.
Good luck in your modding I suppose. But I think you should take a break for a few days if that's how it is.
|
On November 29 2010 15:32 Kimaker wrote:
I don't know what the fuck I just read, but it was beautifully done.
xD
I shared similar sentiments. It was like I understood each part but when I finished I realized if asked what that blog was about I'd have to reread it; which I likely will.
Write more blogs.
I really, really, enjoyed reading it; and I'm not usually a big personal TL blog-reader. The sound clips were awesome, the text broken up with scheme'd and atmospheric pictures, the writing was intriguing but not overly embellished like a lot of people who are actively trying to be 'profound' in some way (Often in a woest me, my girlfriend left me because I can't reach diamond and my mom took my phone away, thing).
Edit: Was cleaning up tabs in my browser and upon seeing this again I've bookmarked it 
|
5/5. beautifully written and speaks to me (...to an extent, at least). it's evident you put thought into this piece, from start to finish, which makes the development of your thought process and eventual conclusion all the more poignant.
|
Good luck to you in your journey.
I want to add that I also have suffered from crippling anxiety attacks and that meditation and diligent sentence completion exercises have and continue to aid me.
Also, I've found that it is important to me to know that I am making progress everyday, brick by brick, step by step. But to do this I have had to pull back my aspirations -- as you say, be more realistic about my aspirations.
I hope this is helpful. Again, good luck.
|
I once stood upon the precipice into the world you describe.
What was it that pulled me back? My friends and family? Self belief and determination? Sheer luck?
Lately i've started to come around to the idea that the idea that there was no cliff face, no fall into catastrophic oblivion. The point where I said "no further" could have come at any point, once I discovered what it was that i was fighting against. The longer I waited, the longer the journey forwards, and the more determination required; there always was, and always will be, hope.
|
On November 29 2010 16:07 Lightwip wrote:
I never know how to respond to your blogs.
Good luck in your modding I suppose. But I think you should take a break for a few days if that's how it is.
I've had a four-year break. That's more than enough. The problem is getting productivity going again at all, you see. It's easy to say, "I'm gonna do this". But actually doing "this"... well, you see. There's where our conundrum begins.
|
I have no idea what you just wrote but I'm enjoying the first 3 pretty pictures. Your 3 squiggly line paint drawings are alright too I guess...
|
good read, I enjoy your writing
|
I relate to a lot of what you have written down.
I've been feeling a bit stagnate as of late myself (although my decision to pursue a philosophy degree seems to be holding steady for the moment.) Doing the same thing for about 4 years, no significant projects or contributions under my belt.
Grand ideas that seem to get tabled, shoved aside to make way for simple, fleeting pleasures.
|
I should give this to my english teacher. Touching and deep
|
Very well said. You and I are a lot alike. Cheers mate!
|
Dude - you're 23, did you seriously expect to accomplish all your life goals by now?
I'm 24 and, after jsut starting grad school, realize how little I actually understand and how feeble my dreams up to this point have been. We've all got our shit, something you don't seem to be lacking in, but are you going to let that stop you?
Keep trying - that's all you can do!
|
Are you by any chance using a logitech mouse? I see heavy correction there :o
|
Well, it's hard to say whether your post is fiction or personal confession but it is quite moving.
Just in case it's the latter... let me tell you my story. Perhaps it will help you with yours.
I'm a man of middle age. I've been given a lot and I wasted a lot, and a lot I have lost. I've been a smalltown hero and a hysterical mess. I've been adored and put on pedestals, I've been betrayed by best friends and my own burning passion. I've been trampled and ridiculed and made an example of.
Countless times I should have loved those I despised and despised those I sucked up to like a small grovelling dog.
In my vanity I squandered time and money and beauty and honest affection, pausing at nothing, weighing nothing. Just blabbering and judging and bickering and hurting and crawling into a pit of self-pity, puffed up like a ridiculous frog.
In the brief meantime, death took my father and I am no longer young. Soon enough, my beauty will leave me as well, and with it my pride.
I've learned, though and now I know. There is only one truth.
Being at peace with the world and the will to become something more, judged not by others but only yourself.
To die a greater man than you were born... is at once evolution and faith.
|
On November 29 2010 23:05 Thrill wrote:
Are you by any chance using a logitech mouse? I see heavy correction there :o
Yes but that's actually the grid in Photoshop haha. I have that enabled so I can grid out WoW character skin textures and have a good guess where parts of the body starts/ends since it seems that they conformed to that grid...
Dude - you're 23, did you seriously expect to accomplish all your life goals by now?
Accomplish, no. But I've been working at them for nearly 11 years now. Nothing has been accomplished, or progressed, at all. Progress in my eyes is true, genuine success. Completing the first draft of my novel as I should have in the span of 2010 would have been one such accomplishment, and was perfectly possible. Now I do not believe I have enough time left in my life, or at least in sanity, to ever finish it at this rate.
Well, it's hard to say whether your post is fiction or personal confession but it is quite moving.
This is the reality I face, and have faced, all my existence.
What you say is true, and I spoke of those who would vie against me. Those who would speak to me of riddles and charades that have been woven for many years past. I challenge them now... to speak their minds. That I may rend my judgment, and leave them behind forever soon after, should they say the wrong words. It is as I left behind society many years ago. This is much the same decision, with the same implications.
I do this now so that I may shed this weight for all eternity.
I've never had beauty nor fame or glory, at least not as modern men would see it. Perhaps I could have had fame, if my ventures were true and reached their goals. But I'll never know the taste of these things to lose them, I can only dream of what most people will take for granted for their entire lives.
|
You lost me after the first wall of text. I don't buy into your premise that you have to accomplish "tangible and realistic" dreams to be happy. Sooner or later you realize that you will never be able to fulfill all your dreams. The best thing you can do is stop resting your happiness on whether or not you become successful in these areas. True happiness really isn't predicated on anything but the individual. This is of course just my personal opinion, but I've thought it out quite a bit over the years and discussed it quite a bit (I've been taking philosophy/humanities for the past 5 years). That being said, dreams are a wonderful thing to have. Being able to get up and work on something you like is really all you can ask. You just need to be prepared to accept that you may not succeed, and be fine with that.
You really need to explain your metaphors better. I understand that what you are trying to explain is difficult, but stopping to explain what Silence, Motion, Focus, Stillness, and Corruption. You obviously know what you're talking about, but as a reader I have no idea what you mean by each of these terms. I don't know if the main purpose of writing this is just cathartic, or you actually want to engage the reader (I assume you do because of all the pretty pictures).
|
Not everyone will understand what I'm posting, nor do I aim for everyone to understand. I'm mostly just reciting stray thoughts in my head. The metaphors are ways of quantifying the way thoughts work. They are very difficult to describe in a manner that is logical and reasonable to someone who doesn't think at all like I do.
This blog is also one in a string of many on this subject... so, eh.
Happiness is a difficult subject. I'll probably never know how to define it, or how to achieve it. But I know that people are at their best when they are engaged in doing something they enjoy most. In the old days, I enjoyed being able to work and progress on my various ventures. But in the last few years all I've had are scattered attempts, all failures.
|
uhh dude there are ppl who enjoy your work, I've watched your videos, and went to your uploads to find more because they were pretty authentic to my taste. That's like not an easy task at all in itself.
If you're feeling worthless, just remember that I've spent my time watching your videos and I'm a fucking champion so chin up imo. If it makes you feel any better I'm pretty sure at least 95% of our requirements that determine self worth are really just socially impressed things that don't fucking matter at all if you just accept that you are monkey #40414014014 living on planet #40340204024 in universe #420410442, fuck the rest you don't have to do anything in this life only live. That could make you feel worse though, or you probably considered it already and it's just basically impossible to ignore society entirely. Oh well, people suffered a whole lot worse than you or I in the passed. Now that I mention that I just want to say that we all currently live like fucking kings and due to human psychology we will rarely ever acknowledge that fact in our daily lives. Anytime you get what you want, it starts to suck and you'll want something else. Maybe that's our little trick for evolving or progressing into the future idk. tbh I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing the majority of this....THE main point I wanted to convey is that your youtube channel alone is enough of an accomplishment to surpass what many people have done and I enjoy your work and humor. PAYCE
|
On November 30 2010 05:04 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On November 29 2010 23:05 Thrill wrote:
Are you by any chance using a logitech mouse? I see heavy correction there :o Yes but that's actually the grid in Photoshop haha. I have that enabled so I can grid out WoW character skin textures and have a good guess where parts of the body starts/ends since it seems that they conformed to that grid... Show nested quote +Dude - you're 23, did you seriously expect to accomplish all your life goals by now? Accomplish, no. But I've been working at them for nearly 11 years now. Nothing has been accomplished, or progressed, at all. Progress in my eyes is true, genuine success. Completing the first draft of my novel as I should have in the span of 2010 would have been one such accomplishment, and was perfectly possible. Now I do not believe I have enough time left in my life, or at least in sanity, to ever finish it at this rate. Show nested quote +Well, it's hard to say whether your post is fiction or personal confession but it is quite moving. This is the reality I face, and have faced, all my existence. What you say is true, and I spoke of those who would vie against me. Those who would speak to me of riddles and charades that have been woven for many years past. I challenge them now... to speak their minds. That I may rend my judgment, and leave them behind forever soon after, should they say the wrong words. It is as I left behind society many years ago. This is much the same decision, with the same implications. I do this now so that I may shed this weight for all eternity. I've never had beauty nor fame or glory, at least not as modern men would see it. Perhaps I could have had fame, if my ventures were true and reached their goals. But I'll never know the taste of these things to lose them, I can only dream of what most people will take for granted for their entire lives.
Sir, it seems like you lack the proper models upon which to gaze upon and look up to. You need a teacher.
You say it is impossible to finish your current endeavor (writing the first draft of a novel) and have absolutely no determination to try, to finish, or to even believe in the hope of success. Your life has not turned out exactly the way you envisioned and you allow it to take a hold of your life and consume your mind.
But how can you complain of this trivial obstacle when others before you have truly done the truest of impossibles? If Hannibal Barca, was as weak-minded and sullen as you, could he have surpassed the dangers of the Pyrenees and the slopes of the Alps? After his father was slain in cold blood, after Carthage had abandoned him in Rome, when his attempts to scale the walls of Rome were fruitless after 17 years, he never gave up until his dying breath. After he lost it all in the battle against Scipio, he took his service and promise of never ending war against Rome to another city state. Hannibal Barca went down in history as one of the greatest military leaders ever to grace this earth. The trials and tribulations he faced never deterred him from putting up a smile for his men, facing their hardships, sleeping and eating alongside them. The odds were against him and yet he forged a fighting machine from the simple machinations of his will. The Carthaginian force was a rabble of mercenaries and forcefully recruited arms. And yet the men followed Hannibal to the gates of hell (Rome) and he accomplished the impossible.
Belisarius, a Byzantine Roman general, also went through similar woe and strife during his career under Justinian (Byzantine Emperor). After, winning successive battles and gaining fame throughout the land (campaigns in Africa), he was forced from his position by Justinian due to selfish interests of the royal court. And yet, after being betrayed, he came back when his Emperor needed him most, forgiving the past crimes done against him. He never lost a battle.
You seem to know something about the Korean culture; I am sure you have heard of Yi Sun Shin, the greatest hero of the Koreas. He was an admiral of the West Fleet during the Japanese invasion by Hideyoshi (Imjin War). Like Belisarius, Admiral Yi Sun Shin was taken by the intrigues of the royal court and the scheming of a rival general. He was stripped of command, humiliated, and nearly put to death even after winning numerous sea battles against the Japanese. They put him in a fucking oxcart.
Could you even fathom how that must have felt? He worked tirelessly and faithfully for Korea and the king. There was not another man who could have held a candle to his loyalty to the state and his love of country. Nowhere, in Korea was there a military man who had done more for Korea; singlehandedly holding off complete Japanese victory. And then to be betrayed by a fellow general, to have his own master stab him in the back, to become humiliated by the ones he saved, and then nearly put to death for all his efforts. How could a man not become bitter and hateful after such an event? It would have made monsters out of most men!
But when Won Gyun, the rival commander, lost Admiral Yi's entire naval force in the disastrous Battle of Chilcheollyang (pretty much right after he took over command), Korea shamelessly asked for the help of Yi Sun Shin. Won Gyun lost 169 ships that day, 169 ships that Admiral Yi had painstakingly built up during all the years of the Imjin War.
Thus, Admiral Yi was reaffirmed as commander of the nearly non-existent Korean fleet...he had 13 ships left (12 of which survived the catastrophe of Chilcheollyang). Bull shit. The cards dealt to Admiral Yi are as shitty as you can get. How was he supposed to defeat the 1000+ ships of the Japanese navy with 13 ships of the line? And why should he risk his life and reputation for Korea when she had treacherously betrayed him and took everything from him?
Battle of Myeongnyang
13 Korean vessels vs 133 Japanese warships and over 200 Japanese support vessels. Admiral Yi would go on to win this battle without losing a single ship. Only 5 Korean casualties occurred during the entire fight and the wrath of Yi Sun Shin inflicted 12,000 casualties on the Japanese. I urge you to read how the tactical genius defeated his foes. This is a case of 100 Mutalisks against one Phoenix.
When the world turns it's back on you, when everything is crumbling down, even though you are in the dumps, though the world encourages you to give up, and when the going gets tough...never give up. Because now you must know that there is a path to hope and from hope...glory. Believe in yourself and the limitless potential of humanity. Because now you know that those before you have trodden the path that you find yourself trapped, and they have ever so walked upon it gloriously.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
