EPT
It's been almost two years together and still wherever we go, whatever we do, hand in hand, I look upon Zoë and I'm still convinced I love her as much as anyone has ever loved anyone.
We first met at the beginning of university through a mutual friend, it wasn't until a couple years later when time allowed our lives to synchronise a little more we started to see each other in a different light.
All the way back then it wasn't love at first sight, I wouldn't dare. This wasn't someone who I found ridiculously attractive and wanted to get into the pants of. This was someone whose radiant goodness was overwhelming, her warmth irresistible. She humbled me, and I barely knew her. My naive self was honoured to even know her as I did. Not too much has changed since...
After a year of seeing her every now and then at social gatherings and such, in the second year of university she left for a year abroad in Hong Kong. I hand-made her a card that read "hopefully see you soon" (she still reads me this card and I blush at my clumsy undertones) I missed her but not 'in that way,' I had still yet let myself think of her in any other way than this wonderful person I was happy to be able to call a friend.
Then in the third and final year of university.. It all began. She came back from her year out and came back into the routine of my campus life. As weeks went by, we spent more and more time together and eventually just the two of us. Still I was coy at most, and I imagine she was too. Nothing was ever breached. I recall vividly us having a cup of tea and a cigarette outside her dorm steps, and asking each other about relationships, what we wanted, dodging 'the subject'.
However gradually the growing sexual tension became a daily source of infinite angst and excitement, this period we still look back time and time again with huge fondness and nostalgia, laughing at our bumbling attempts to send signals and reading between those elusive lines..
After these two months came the three weeks of Christmas break. I went back home to Korea for a week, followed by a trip to Japan. During these weeks I was largely by myself, wandering the streets of these cities until my body ached of immense anticipation, thinking of her, thinking what could happen.. My lungs were filled to the top with love for her. We kept in touch via email every other day until the day I got back, each word written to be cherished, it was somewhat clear she was as eagerly anticipating my return as I was.
I flew back to the UK on Christmas Eve. After spending Christmas with our respective families, we decided to meet for a wintry afternoon out in London on the 26th of December 2008. (Oh so conveniently, she only lives 30 minutes away by transport
)That day. Oh what a day. We met up around 1, said big innocent hellos. She was wearing the same coat and scarf I was well acquainted with during the months in university. It was brisk, crisp, sunny, the grass was filled with dew. We walked around a park, talked our hearts out, time flew...
After the blur we decided to grab a bite and bought some cheap sandwiches and soft drinks and sat on a bench. There I gave her my trump card, a rare film programme for Dancer in the Dark with a portrait of Bjork from the film, her favourite musician. As I offered it to her, she smiled deep at me, almost as if it was a concession to the inevitability of us, and the beauty we were to offer each other. Alas, even then, we were to bookend the moment with a lingering hug! Damn our neurotic, tentative souls!
After the meal and gazing at each other more than meaningfully we walked towards the nearest station where we were to end our afternoon together. The farewell here was.. well,:
"I had a really nice day with you"
"Me too"
*Hug*
"I really, really, really missed you"
"I really missed you too."
..."I can't let go"
"I can't either"
"Well this is awkward"
*Laughter*
"I can feel your heart beat"
-KISS-
And after that 30 minute embrace as the day was setting outside Wimbledon station, I watched her take her train and I ran and ran and ran and ran home, dreaming.
I've yet to wake up
