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Adultery
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Pineapple
New Zealand126 Posts
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OutlaW-
Czech Republic5053 Posts
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
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Jaw
United States274 Posts
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LastWish
2013 Posts
It's natural to a significant percentage of human beings. Finding the victims isn't usually helping, trying to work it out for the future is the only choice. | ||
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storm44
1293 Posts
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Emon_
3925 Posts
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NIIINO
Slovakia1320 Posts
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Quasimoto3000
United States471 Posts
Its important that you take care of your mother and make sure she knows shes better off this way. | ||
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OMin
United States545 Posts
 but yeah, just be there as much as you can for your mom... ur pretty much her only immediate family since ur dads out of the picture now best of luck man, really sorry to hear it | ||
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TossFloss
Canada606 Posts
How did you find out? In fact, this happens all the time. I met a lot of married guys in China, and with a few exceptions, many were cheating on their wives. Foreigners enjoy wealth, status and power they seldom experience at home. It can be quite intoxicating. | ||
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Navi
5286 Posts
as for your father, don't resort to physical violence, just show him how disappointed you are. to people with any sense of remorse or empathy this will tear them apart / make them realize their wrong more than any physical violence ever will (especially as beating the shit out of him could simply make him feel more indignant and self justified) | ||
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Karliath
United States2214 Posts
On October 24 2010 17:22 jaw wrote: why isnt the dad in the motel? kick his ass out. qft | ||
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endy
Switzerland8970 Posts
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OpticalShot
Canada6330 Posts
One thing I've heard a lot of times is how negative influence from parents affect their children. I think it's common news that wife abusers are sons of wife abusers. I'm not saying you're going to become one, but unless you handle yourself well both physically and emotionally, you could come out of this as a completely changed person. Actually, it's obvious that you've already changed due to the incident, but it doesn't mean you have to change into a bad person because of this. I think the best thing is to keep social contact going (but not excessively). Being isolated from the society, especially after a tragedy, can easily lead to depression and other serious issues. I don't know if support groups are the right sort of things, but I imagine that being alone is the worst thing possible in this situation. After things settle a bit, I think you and your mother should pursue legal actions (at least getting a proper divorce would help?) to clean this mess up. Apologies if I made things sound easy or something, that was never my intention. Just trying to list out what's probably best for you and your mother from my point of view. Best of luck. | ||
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Catch]22
Sweden2683 Posts
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Forgottenfrog
United States1268 Posts
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enzym
Germany1034 Posts
i dont know if it will be of use for you, but changing my view on relationships has helped me handle things. the concept of relationship requires you to know who people are, but your father serves as example to show that you can never be sure and thus relationship is not a practical concept. it lacks accuracy. try to not give special treatment by the type of relationship assumed to be there, not even for family, who are genetically related but not necessarily on other levels. people are people, all the same. they enter your field of vision and you will learn who they are by observing them. you will decide whether enough is to gain by interacting with them or not. you continue to learn who they are and continue to ask yourself that question. if information changes and someone stops fitting your criteria, you drop interaction with them. its pick and choose, only that you cant pick the good ones, only the good ones up to that point. so you must pick the bad ones and then put them away. "Many men and many women enjoy popular esteem, not because they are known, but because they are not." "Sometimes apparent resemblance of character will bring two men together and for a certain time unite them. But their mistake gradually becomes evident, and they are astonished to find themselves not only far apart, but even repelled, in some sort, at all their points of contact." — Nicolas de Chamfort | ||
MightyAtom
Korea (South)1897 Posts
On October 24 2010 19:44 Catch]22 wrote: I'll be as gentle as I can in saying this, but men dont cheat on their wives if everything is alright. Him cheating isnt whats bad, its only a symptom. Dude, maybe that is applicable if it was one woman in the same country, maybe, but this is THREE other women and ten years and in a different continent. Try to be more sensitive to the situation then applying a single understanding for a specific context, while you're trying to help, the first thing off the top of your head isn't that helpful. And to Pineapple, if your dad has multiple families etc, just first make it clear what he needs to support to your mom and you first as I'm sure that hasn't changed, then deal with the emotional side afterwards, cause that will take a lot of time; a lot of the investors I know in Asia, really rich guys have multiple wives, they are all Taiwanese or Chinese mainland, but the thing is, their wives all know each other, like 1st, 2nd, 3rd wife, etc. Now as Korean, I don't quite understand that all, although among the rich here, we have the wife and mistress culture here, but in any case, you're mom just found out, you need to be level headed and just talk to your dad, man to man and put away your judgement for a moment, make sure your mom is going to still be well taken care of by your dad; if he supporting 4 families or relationships, then he has some cash. It ain't going to be solved overnight, but just take it day by day and just make sure the practical things are taken care of first, for this moment, you are the man and you just need to take care of it for your mom's sake first. Cheers and good luck and be strong. | ||
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SaYyId
Portugal277 Posts
it sounds stupid but i've seen people sueing each other for less, WAY less | ||
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enzym
Germany1034 Posts
people are drawn together for intimate relationships because they are technically animals and like them evolutionarily streamlined for procreation. as such, intimate relationships are not meant to last. a study by helen fisher et al suggests a cut-off of no less than 4 years. the dualism between humans as intellect and humans as animal sets us up for a large potential for problems. i know this wont help your mother with her immediate feelings (i have been through a painful experience like this myself). but accepting that we are animals and driven to behaviour which causes problems (your mother engaged in a relationship with your father for the same biological reasons for which he proceeded to 'cheat' on her), knowing that it is not meant to last and that we can never be sure to truly know a person, like described in my previous post, might help to alleviate the pain in the long run and avoid running into it again. | ||
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Kalingingsong
Canada633 Posts
Sue the crap out of him it sounds stupid but i've seen people sueing each other for less, WAY less lol, because he's violated ... which law? (what he did was wrong of course, but as far as I can see its not something illegal) | ||
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NickC
233 Posts
she will feel like she has no one in the world and you need to be a friend to her dont talk about this shit just give her someone she can rely on and think about when shes feeling shitty | ||
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news
892 Posts
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Enervate
United States1769 Posts
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bmml
United Kingdom962 Posts
Just remember things will get better. Good luck. | ||
alffla
Hong Kong20321 Posts
On October 24 2010 23:56 News wrote: I've been going out with this asian girl recently and she told me that in her homecountry if a husband cheats on his wife it's always her fault because apparently she isn't good enough. im chinese and im going to tell you thats a huge load of undiluted horse shit. ok that was a bit of an overreaction but even if it was like that in whatever country she's from, that kind of view is simply ridiculous. | ||
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PetitCrabe
Canada410 Posts
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news
892 Posts
On October 25 2010 02:11 alffla wrote: im chinese and im going to tell you thats a huge load of undiluted horse shit. ok that was a bit of an overreaction but even if it was like that in whatever country she's from, that kind of view is simply ridiculous. Another thing she said - if you get raped you don't tell anyone (probably has to do with corrupt officials too) because your family won't forgive you/family reputation ruined forever. She's from Kazakhstan though. | ||
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Kalingingsong
Canada633 Posts
Another thing she said - if you get raped you don't tell anyone (probably has to do with corrupt officials too) because your family won't forgive you/family reputation ruined forever. She's from Kazakhstan though. Asia is pretty big, let's not lump all 'asians' into one culture please. Arab, Persian, Chinese, Indian, Japanese, etc are all fairly distinct. The last stupidity we want is to say Arab = Japanese because both are 'asian', and then proceed to call an Arabic person a cultural traitor because he doesn't practice Shinto or something. | ||
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news
892 Posts
On October 25 2010 02:53 Kalingingsong wrote: Asia is pretty big, let's not lump all 'asians' into one culture please. Arab, Persian, Chinese, Indian, Japanese, etc are all fairly distinct. The last stupidity we want is to say Arab = Japanese because both are 'asian', and then proceed to call an Arabic person a cultural traitor because he doesn't practice Shinto or something. Wow. Did I say something like that? I need to start rereading my own posts. I doubt it though. In a way Kazakhstan can be more similar to Arab countries these days since they are ~65% muslim. | ||
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Romantic
United States1844 Posts
Just cut him out of your life and quit talking to him; parents are highly overrated. Not having a troublesome parent around is pretty cool. Your mother will probably have a harder time reaching the correct conclusion. | ||
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WarChimp
Australia943 Posts
On October 24 2010 17:29 LastWish wrote: In the end you'll have to accept the fact that this happends in the world, was probably happening since the beginning of the ages. It's natural to a significant percentage of human beings. Finding the victims isn't usually helping, trying to work it out for the future is the only choice. Thats actually really depressing man, lol thanks xD | ||
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Kalingingsong
Canada633 Posts
Wow. Did I say something like that? I need to start rereading my own posts. I doubt it though. In a way Kazakhstan can be more similar to Arab countries these days since they are ~65% muslim. I think it's better if people stopped using the words 'asia/asians' and get more specific from the beginning, that's my point. | ||
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a176
Canada6688 Posts
Unforgivable. Be there for your mom, and start reading: http://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/family-court/what-family-court-does/separation-and-dissolution/general-advice-information | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
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n00bination
United States102 Posts
I've pretty much seen my father for a total of 1.5 months over a span of 12 years since I was 9, and I'm under no illusions that he stayed faithful during that entire time away from the family. Still, I accept him for who he is, no matter how much I hate his views on life. | ||
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rezoacken
Canada2719 Posts
I feel sorry for your mom and your dad is a dick if he has been lying for 10 years but really I cannot blame him for having love affairs on his side of the earth (if he actually just live there without seeing you often, if he was returning home often that is a different story). I just wished he would have been honest with your mom about it because now it looks like she has been imagining things for 10 years and it crashes down. Oh and not taking responsibility about his choices by blaming others of course... On a side note it's he's duty to continue to support you as his child no matter what happens. | ||
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palanq
United States761 Posts
On October 25 2010 06:11 n00bination wrote: Don't get too worked up over it. As the other posters have said, take care of your family first and make sure your mom doesn't try to kill your dad or something. If your dad isn't a total douche, I'm sure he didn't mean harm (not that it excuses him), so try to be a little understanding and don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Ultimately, you have to let your parents decide what the best course of action is. I've pretty much seen my father for a total of 1.5 months over a span of 12 years since I was 9, and I'm under no illusions that he stayed faithful during that entire time away from the family. Still, I accept him for who he is, no matter how much I hate his views on life. this is a good position to take | ||
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Thereisnosaurus
Australia1822 Posts
be forgiving, be courteous, but don't be foolhardy. If your father wishes to regain your trust- expect him to earn it, but let him do so. | ||
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Pineapple
New Zealand126 Posts
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