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Starcraft Beards

Blogs > SirJolt
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SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4004 Posts
September 05 2010 23:13 GMT
#1
You can tell a lot about how a man plays Starcraft from the state of his facial hair. Generally, the guys you play on Battle.net won’t have particularly formidable facial hair, but let’s say you’re in a tournament, things are getting rough, you need to know as much about your next opponent as possible, without him learning about you.

Using techniques developed by the FBI to help with criminal profiling, you could learn more about their play style than you’d imagine, simply by investigating an opponent’s facial hair.

Classic Zergling Stubble:

It’s nothing fancy, it practically manages itself. While everyone else is sitting around waiting for their beard to grow to an appreciable length, managing everything carefully, there’s a guy out there who shaved at nine o’clock this morning running around with what passes for a bit of a beard by the evening.

[image loading]

This is the six-pool of beards. You’re sitting there, building up your workers, and you’re pretty sure you’ve got things under control, then, just as you scout, bam, there are already zerglings on the way. It’s reasonably elegant, and it’s there sooner than you’d expect.

It’s a panic-beard.


Burrowed Roaches:

There are times when you’re scouting around, and you just cannot for the life of you find a beard. I mean, clearly this guy has something going on in his chin region, but a beard it ain’t. There’s nothing going on you could see without specialised equipment.

[image loading]

Burrowed roaches. I’m telling you man, you see a guy with this chin, that’s what’s up. Think of it in purely literal terms… something horrifying, lurking just beneath the surface, and it’s full of greenish goo. No matter how hard you try to kill it, it’s going to come back later.

Horrifying.

Bristling Defense:

There are always going to be some who go the extra mile when it comes to preening their beard. They keep everything in order, make sure that every single hair is brushed into the right position.

[image loading]

Think about it, a face lined with spines = a base lined with spine crawlers, turrets, or photon cannons. I’m not saying this is something you can 100% rely on all the time, but I am saying that I guarantee it’s something you can rely on every single time. It’s never wrong.

This is exactly the kind of beard a turtle would grow. Or a sea tortoise maybe.

Sauron Zerg:

This one is a bit harder to spot, but one of the big helps is that people who play in a particular style might have more than just a beard to tell you what they’re thinking. In some cases, it’s a question of body language and comportment.

[image loading]

This guy has Sauron Zerg written all over him. I mean, look at how well he’s microing those bees to keep them out of his ears! The man is clearly in control of a vast number of tiny things all at once. There’s also a version that indicates that a player has an affinity for overlords and may be hoping to get a good drop in, but it’s a bit rarer.


+ Show Spoiler +


The overlord beard:

[image loading]



Cheese Beards:

There are a few beards that indicate that your opponent might be up to something a bit cheesier than you’d normally need to prepare for. The most obvious of these is the straight up beard-made-out-of-canned-cheese.

[image loading]

It should be fairly easy to spot. Others tend to centre around the essential deception of the beard itself. In these situations, you’ll need to keep a close eye on just what the beard is trying to say, versus what’s going on in the background. I’ve included a number of examples.

+ Show Spoiler +


[image loading]

And the ever popular:

[image loading]



Honorable Mentions:

+ Show Spoiler +


Fast Robo:

[image loading]

Storm Beard:

So named for its infamously patchy nature and the potentially hit-and-miss quality of the beard depending on the player.

[image loading]

Off Expansion:

You know when you check someone's base, and everything's where it should be, nothing's out of place, then all of a sudden they have expansions in fucking ridiculous places?

[image loading]




****
Moderator@SirJolt
r33k
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Italy3402 Posts
September 05 2010 23:24 GMT
#2
Beards are awesome.
Najda
Profile Joined June 2010
United States3765 Posts
September 05 2010 23:29 GMT
#3
I think the hidden expansion is the best one :O They are all great though.
flamewheel
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
September 05 2010 23:38 GMT
#4
On September 06 2010 08:29 Najda wrote:
I think the hidden expansion is the best one :O They are all great though.

I agree heartily with your statement.

SirJolt you always provide amusing blogs.
Writerdamn, i was two days from retirement
deathgod6
Profile Blog Joined January 2008
United States5064 Posts
September 05 2010 23:46 GMT
#5
lol great blog.
4.0 GPA = A rank 5.0 GPA = Olympic --------- Bisu, Best, Fantasy. i ♥ oov. They can get in my BoxeR anyday.
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4004 Posts
September 05 2010 23:55 GMT
#6
On September 06 2010 08:38 flamewheel wrote:
SirJolt you always provide amusing blogs.


Thanks F, very much appreciated
Moderator@SirJolt
Adeny
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
Norway1233 Posts
September 06 2010 00:06 GMT
#7
You forgot the most important one: The Adeny beard.
endy
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
Switzerland8970 Posts
September 06 2010 00:19 GMT
#8
nice blog. and some incredibly funny pictures
ॐ
PH
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States6173 Posts
September 06 2010 00:52 GMT
#9
amazing. 5/5.
Hello
Kinky
Profile Blog Joined September 2008
United States4126 Posts
September 06 2010 01:09 GMT
#10
On September 06 2010 09:06 Adeny wrote:
You forgot the most important one: The Adeny beard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYi24D9lHqc

That's a pretty sick beard
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4004 Posts
September 06 2010 01:55 GMT
#11
That beard is among the most impressive things I've ever seen :D
Moderator@SirJolt
Defeat
Profile Joined March 2010
United States476 Posts
September 06 2010 03:58 GMT
#12
Nice blog sir :}>
"the metagame has really evolved to the point where the best chance to win the metagame is to game the metagame" -Bags
OpticalShot
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
Canada6330 Posts
September 06 2010 04:06 GMT
#13
Omg hidden expo lolol
[TLMS] REBOOT
hp.Shell
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States2527 Posts
September 06 2010 04:26 GMT
#14
[image loading]
Please PM me with any songs you like that you think I haven't heard before!
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4004 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-09-07 14:33:15
September 07 2010 14:32 GMT
#15
I saw a couple of really amazing moustaches/beards like the above, but couldn't link them to StarCraft in any way, and so had to sideline them. It felt bad to do so

Truly they are majestic beasts.
Moderator@SirJolt
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