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Disclaimer: The following is not for the faint of heart. Women and pregnant children, as well as the easily offended, should discontinue reading.
Hello, intelligent poster. It's another bright and shining day as you enter TL. The sun is smiling, the sky is clear, and the birds are shitting flowers and rainbows. You take a nice long look around. Everything is peaceful, serene. You wander aimlessly, simply enjoying the happy scenery. Suddenly, the sky turns dark. The trees loom menacingly around you, and dark and murky fog clouds your vision. Lightning flashes overhead as the ground dissolves into a putrid muck beneath your feet. Unwittingly, you have entered the SC2 Strategy Forum.
![[image loading]](http://www.simonwinnall.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/SWAMP_LANDSCAPE-600x370.jpg) Welcome to your worst nightmare.
The SC2 Strategy Forum can be a scary place. It's most definitely not for the faint of heart or the short of temper. But it's still a unique and interesting part of TL that is irreplacable in the hearts and lives of many. So come with me as I show you its strange and mysterious inhabitants. Perhaps, once you get to know this place just a little better, you can come to appreciate it for what it truly is.
![[image loading]](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_cQb2tKyozEQ/SbrpiBAKLwI/AAAAAAAABBk/SmLbqglgp7k/s400/flaming_bag_of_poop.jpg) Hopefully not something like this.
Meet the Day[9] Dweeb, a rather populus creature in this neck of the woods. He, along with the approximately billion others, is Day[9]'s number one fan, having listened to all of Day[9] Dailies countless times. He might have even made a riveting post about how Daily #100 forever changed his life, or about how he and Day[9] are soulmates, and if Day[9] ever met him in real life, it would be love at first sight. Since he has listened to every single Day[9] Daily in existence, that makes him a veritable authority on anything and everything Starcraft. Thus he watches with hawk eyes over the strategy forum, poised to spring on whomever may be stupid enough to possibly even start to contradict what Day[9] said that one time on the twenty-third minute of Daily number eighty four. And, simply by invoking the holy name of Sean Plott, he is assured complete and utter immunity from community backlash. He even may have played four of his five placement matches.
Posts you might see him make:
"the 1 hatch muta sen build is the way to go because day9 said so"
"ghost hellion banshee into battlecruiser is completely viable just see day9 daily number 438"
"void ray mothership is imba because on that one day9 daily, that guy won with void rays and motherships"
Related species include the TLO Twat and the HD/Husky Ho.
Meet the Dreamer, a species that sustains itself solely on crazy thoughts and wild fantasies. Often, you can spy him alone in the woods, perhaps atop a thinking stone, theorycrafting long into the night. When he grows up, he wants to be the head designer for Starcraft 8, but for now, spouting off completely off-topic and useless comments in the Srategy Forum will have to suffice. A copy of the beta? Who needs that when you've got WoW and HoN.
Posts you might see him make:
"the mothership should be able to double cloak the DT"
"let's discuss new units for zerg and the possible addition of a fourth race"
"let's give ultralisks the ability to fly and crush nonmassive units when they fall to make them more viable"
Meet the Thinker, not to be confused with the aforementioned Dreamer. This creature is characterized by his high and mighty disdain for those lesser folk who spend stupid grueling hours clicking madly at a flashing computer screen. According to the Thinker, Starcraft 2 is a misnomer. The correct name should be Chess 2.0. He doesn't even need to play the game; he has already thought about it thoroughly. His opponents may as well just concede on the spot. Because, you know, if he had 500 APM, he could easily become a progamer if he tried.
Posts you might see him make:
"nonono the tech timing is all wrong. mutas come out at 7:23 whereas the first thor finishes at 6:49. factoring in travel time, the mtuas have negative 0:57 seconds to harass, meaning it is completely nullified"
"infestors hard counter the protoss army because you are able to NP the sentries and templar, so you can force field his army into a little ball while storming them to death"
"metagame"
Meet the Diamond Dummy. You may look at him and say, "Gee hamtaroadun, that guy looks awfully happy. Why is he so gosh darn happy?" Well, the answer is quite simple: after countless hours of hard work, he just hit the Diamond ranks. That makes him better than 90% of the people who post in the Strategy Forum. With so much power vested in such a little and happy man, he is quick to use it at any and every possible occasion. Because, as everyone knows, being in Diamond means that you are now a top player. Everyone is just dying to hear your advice, if you would only be so kind as to give it. As a diamond player, you are the cream of the crop, and your word is law. Give it a few months, and you'll be the next Artosis.
Posts you might see him make:
"thors r awesum. 500 Diamond player btw"
"mutalisks are weak against terran. diamond player speaking"
"keep in mind that i'm a diamond level player. what are your thoughts on various protoss options versus the 1/1/1 build?"
Meet the Brood War Veteran, a grisly old man with a grumpy attitude and volatile temper. Much like those old guys you have to forcefully drag into nursing homes while their dentures bite holes into your arm, he time to time pops into the Starcraft 2 Forums to ramble and rave about the "good 'ol days" and about how Stacraft 2 is the death of RTS games and that the apocalypse is near. However, he is then mobbed by angry and zealous SC2 tards, and is quickly flamed to death.
Posts you might see him make:
"mbs and automine are terrible sc2 sux"
"i hate mbs and automine"
"mbs and automine are gifts of the devil"
Meet the Top Tier player. Believe it or not, these mythical beasts actually inhabit this murky forest. But they are a rare sight indeed; sadly, this magical and beautiful creature is nearly extinct. If you happen to catch sight of one, pay him the utmost respect. Unless he disagrees with you, that is.
Hopefully, now that you know a little bit more about the Starcraft 2 Strategy Forum and the various creatures that live there, you can feel a bit more safe when treading those dangerous lands. Good luck, intelligent poster!
 
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Funny first post. I have to say this is pretty funny and I enjoyed it 
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Giving this a 4/5 until you introduce the hybrid creatures and make this post truly epic!
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United States11390 Posts
This blog is awesome and needs more love imo.
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I was laughing out loud from the first picture to the end of the blog, awesome first post 5/5 etcetc
...depressingly accurate though. 
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lol interesting read at the least
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Silly OP. No one likes exploring.
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
That is actually a pretty fucking good description of what is going on lol
Could do a second chapter on this and make fun of a gaggle of other "breeds" imo.
"BETA IS BACK" or the insane amount of random speculation.
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FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
Cough cough zergling cough cough.
Nice post.
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
hmm, you know your way around this place pretty well
suspiciously well...
would anyone kindly provide us with MSpaint renderings of these critters?
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i recognize your nick from somewhere ~~ i would say welcome but i guess u're not new here so instead: nice to meet you!
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16987 Posts
Going to be honest; I was pretty disappointed when I opened the thread and didn't come across this:
+ Show Spoiler +
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Hahaha, great, thorough description and good delivery.
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On July 02 2010 12:51 nttea wrote:
i recognize your nick from somewhere ~~ i would say welcome but i guess u're not new here so instead: nice to meet you!
yeah i think its:
On July 02 2010 11:36 Harem wrote:
This blog is awesome and needs more love imo.
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United States11390 Posts
On July 02 2010 13:19 Nal_rAwr wrote:Show nested quote +On July 02 2010 12:51 nttea wrote:
i recognize your nick from somewhere ~~ i would say welcome but i guess u're not new here so instead: nice to meet you! yeah i think its: Show nested quote +On July 02 2010 11:36 Harem wrote:
This blog is awesome and needs more love imo.
You're wrong.
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The problem is that by creating this blog you will have created a new breed.
Meet the labeler. The labeler decides to go around the strategy forum hilariously quoting hamtaroadun's blog. If someone mentions Day[9] they are instantly a Day[9] Dweeb. If someone says anything about diamond rank they are instantly a diamond dummy.
Similar to the people in youtube comments who always mention how something is a TVtrope.
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Haha, great first post! Was quite awesome, and i look forward to many more reports of ur explorations.
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Spenguin
Australia3316 Posts
Awesome post I laughed quite a bit :D
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5/5 great first post, and blog
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Well the thing about people saying X then following it with "Im diamond level" is just the point that you have played against strats or theorycrafted ideas so you have reason to back your claims. At least I'm not using it as a brag when I say it, although every time I write it I feel like a douche.
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Hahaha! This post was very funny. You have a great satirical voice and I really enjoyed the sample quotes. 5/5
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Oh god that sounds horrible! Good thing I haven't tried the beta and lurk the SC2 boards... yet...
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You've got some very keen insight there on how the SC2 Strategy section operates. Hope to see some more quality stuff from you as a productive poster. Welcome to TL you observant lurker :D
(Unless you're someone's fun new alt  )
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Sadly, it's all true, excellent work for making everyone in the strategy forum realize what they've done.
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haha, this blog amused me, "HarmtaroAdun", whoever you are
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this sure brought smile on my face, awesome post bro
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Great post, easy 5/5. For kicks, I decided to look up what exactly Day[9] said on the 23rd minute of episode 84. Nothing special, just talking about scouting with a phoenix.
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On July 02 2010 14:02 CharlieMurphy wrote:
Well the thing about people saying X then following it with "Im diamond level" is just the point that you have played against strats or theorycrafted ideas so you have reason to back your claims. At least I'm not using it as a brag when I say it, although every time I write it I feel like a douche.
Good.
I was planning to start visiting the SC2 Strategy Forum every now and then but I might not be ready yet... Oh, and welcome to TL though I presume you`re a long time lurker.
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My favourite part was when the Brood War Veteran got killed.
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France2061 Posts
I think I know who this is
<3
great read!
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Zurich15328 Posts
Sigh. TL was so fantastic again after Beta ended. So nice and quiet and peaceful. I dread the day phase 2 starts or the game is released.
500 diamond ill tempered broodwar veteran Day9 fan signing off.
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I lol'd so hard at this... great post! I'm in the 'dreamer' category for sure with a side of Diamond dummy.
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Netherlands19135 Posts
Welcome to TL! 5/5 for the blog XD.
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I think this covers it up pretty much.
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Great blog, diamond level poster speaking btw.
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My adventure starts today! Wish me luck, friends!
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5/5 Great blog. This was extremely entertaining to read.
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Lol, nice read. I don't really fit into any one of those because I tend to just read the strategy forum to gain some insights. ^^
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LOOOOOL good read great blog ahaha
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Calgary25980 Posts
Wow first time reading this. It's super accurate and funny haha
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nice read. love the humor.
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Haha... so true.
Plus I love the name.
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LOL great first post xD (someone's a funny little lurker).
I love the diamond dummy stuff  yum yum
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Great post! You nailed it with the 'Dreamer.' First person I thought of was my cousin who has basically figured out solutions to all the balance problems in the game and is already working on SC3.
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Oh, I think that may sum up every type of user on the SC2 strategy forums. Thankfully I avoid that place like the PLAGUUUUUUUUU!
Very good post though, quite funny.
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beware these creatures of the dark forest lest their ways influence your posts. dreamers can be pretty entertaining, though XD 5/5
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this is a great post lol :D
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Similar to the first species you mention I think is the Artosis Ass. I like Artosis btw.
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I had a big smile on my face while I read the whole blog. It's funny, yet it's so true. And I really believe you got some serious talent when it comes to writing. Would love to read more from you!
Edit; 5/5
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Are you the guy who hangs around iccup irc? I always thought you were harem...
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Fantastic lol. Those creatures are too accurate.
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United States11390 Posts
On July 04 2010 05:26 n.DieJokes wrote:
Are you the guy who hangs around iccup irc? I always thought you were harem...
I'm harmtaro, not hamtaro.
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This needs to be stickied. Somewhere.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://energio.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/calvin-and-hobbes-go-exploring.jpg)
