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If it was impossible for a Blizzard rep to lie this would be how an interview would sound.
Q. So what are some of the changes with Battlenet?
A. Well we've hired Greg Cannessa and put him in charge of it. After seeing his proven record of squeezing profits out of Xlive by charging players for everything they possibly could, we knew he'd be the perfect fit in the new direction Blizzard is headed. After we got fat and happy with all the money WOW subscriptions have brought in, we just got even more greedy in preparation for Starcraft 2.
Q. What are some specific new features of BNet2.0?
A. Well we've geared it completely towards casual gamers, so we put in a bunch of meaningless crap like achievements and a completely irrelevant ranking system which we feel will bring endless hordes of mindless consumer drones to our product. We also added a bunch of new eavesdropping features so we could censor and ban people easier who say things we don't like. Also, after we get everyone stuck paying for new maps, and features on bnet 2.0 were going to discontinue Bnet to try and force everyone to switch.
Q. Are you afraid of alienating your core audience?
A. No, were not afraid. In fact we don't even care. Our marketplace analysis has told us that they are a minority and if we made a quality product, that caters to them, just for the sake of making the best game and experience possible, we will make less money then our current plans.
Q. What are your current plans?
A. We are going to take the name Blizzard and Starcraft has made and basically do the old bait and switch. For example, you see a sexy hooker on the corner and you roll up and tell her pimp you want her. He tells you to goto the hotel across the street and goto rm# 43. You get there, the lights are off and you realize you just jumped in bed with a 300 lb, unshowered, beast of a transexual who is covered in oozing sores. Your freak out and run down to the street to find the pimp and kill him. But he's gone along with your 60$.
Thats basically our plan.
Q. How do you think SC2 will be competitively?
A. A complete fail. Expectations are very high after the success Broodwar has had, so we decided that we shouldn't even bother living up to them. We're just gonna make the game so we can profit further. We do this by making the game pretty to look at and add exciting shiny units that have little to do with balance or competition. As long as we maintain the appearance of caring all the Broodwar nerds will stand by us.
Q. Is there anything else you want to add?
A. Yes, I'd like to say to all the fans who supported us through the years FUCK YOU!. Also, to the activision execs Dustin is on his way up now for your afternoon blowjobs. BUY STARCRAFT2 EVERYONE IT's GONNA SUCK ALMOST AS HARD AS THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF IT!
This is a mock interview it is for amusement purposes only and should not be taken seriously, by anyone, ever. Much like most of the things I say or type.
 
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Lol. The sad thing is that while you made it very pejorative much of what you say is true. :p
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5/5 
Times were hard in broodwar too (for foreigners), and the community always inevitably came through to make it awesome, I figure that'll happen with sc2 in a worst case scenario.
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Would be much funnier if it wasn't full of underlying truths. I liked it though.
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sadly true
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its funny cuz its true
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lololololol
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On May 24 2010 14:17 d_so wrote:
i lol'd
i crie'd
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On May 24 2010 14:21 tentaclemonster wrote:sadly true
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I won't lie, I did laugh, but it could have been done better. :D
Guess nothing is gonna beat that Terran is the man's race thread for a while :D (for me at least)
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Eh, I feel it would've been funnier if you didn't make it sound like the rep was just vulgar and harsh.
If it sounded professional, but still told us we were wasting our time, then I think it would've been funnier.
But...it feels so true sometimes...
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Q. Are you afraid of alienating your core audience?
A. No, were not afraid. In fact we don't even care. Our marketplace analysis has told us that they are a minority and if we made a quality product, that caters to them, just for the sake of making the best game and experience possible, we will make less money then our current plans.
all TL complaints should reference this and this alone.
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On May 24 2010 16:09 omninmo wrote:
Q. Are you afraid of alienating your core audience?
A. No, were not afraid. In fact we don't even care. Our marketplace analysis has told us that they are a minority and if we made a quality product, that caters to them, just for the sake of making the best game and experience possible, we will make less money then our current plans.
PLUS THEY R ALL A BUNCH OF ANNOYING WHINGERS, THEY PAY THE SAME PRICE FOR THE GAME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT FOR SOME REASON FEEL ASIF THEY SHOULD GET MORE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HIGHER APM THAN THE 12 YR OLD KID DOWN THE BLOCK WHO PAID THE SAME 69.95$ AS THEY DID.
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as long as bw can stay alive i can be happy, im only playing sc2 for the campaign/story anyways
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ill never buy sc2... unless they bring back LAN, and online replays watching.
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This is amazing A+++ Would read again.
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lol good read. some of those are disturbingly accurate afaik.
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On May 24 2010 15:35 RageOverdose wrote:Eh, I feel it would've been funnier if you didn't make it sound like the rep was just vulgar and harsh. If it sounded professional, but still told us we were wasting our time, then I think it would've been funnier. But...it feels so true sometimes...
Yea, it started off sounding professional then it just degraded into brutal harsh reality. Maybe the hooker analogy was a bit over the top. Anyway, I hope you got a good laugh out of it. Humor was the point after all.
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5/5
Some sad truths in there though
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You listen to stuff like this and wonder if Dustin Browder would be making these kind of jokes if he knew the direction BNet 2.0 was headed.
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The really sad part is that two or three months ago we would have all flamed OP for being a shitty garbage rant. It really says a lot about how bad things are that practically everyone agrees.
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Good post. I chuckled. I like the truth. I also don't agree they owe anybody anything, so in reality they can fail if they like. The priorities of SC fans and SC2 creators are perhaps not as aligned as we had hoped. This is nothing surprising though. I hope you post some more sometime.
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Great fun but disturbingly accurate
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Who need SC2 anyways :p
BW for ever
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the thing that makes me really sad is that Rob Pardo wasnt even in design meetings
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On May 24 2010 14:21 tentaclemonster wrote:sadly true
Also truly sad
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huh, 4/5, minus one because it doesn't really tell us anything we don't ALREADY know considering the current state of Bnet 2.0.
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Its sadly true, although I am still hoping that blizzard listens to us and compromises on some of the features we want. I can live without LAN (although Im jumping to private servers which provide true P2P as soon as they develop), but I (along with a majority of others) clearly want the features which are best for the competitive community.
For so long during development they repeatedly said that they were making SC2 as the next greatest e-sport, but with the current b.net2.0 they clearly haven't delivered.
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true story bro
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EPT
