EPTQ. So what are some of the changes with Battlenet?
A. Well we've hired Greg Cannessa and put him in charge of it. After seeing his proven record of squeezing profits out of Xlive by charging players for everything they possibly could, we knew he'd be the perfect fit in the new direction Blizzard is headed. After we got fat and happy with all the money WOW subscriptions have brought in, we just got even more greedy in preparation for Starcraft 2.
Q. What are some specific new features of BNet2.0?
A. Well we've geared it completely towards casual gamers, so we put in a bunch of meaningless crap like achievements and a completely irrelevant ranking system which we feel will bring endless hordes of mindless consumer drones to our product. We also added a bunch of new eavesdropping features so we could censor and ban people easier who say things we don't like. Also, after we get everyone stuck paying for new maps, and features on bnet 2.0 were going to discontinue Bnet to try and force everyone to switch.
Q. Are you afraid of alienating your core audience?
A. No, were not afraid. In fact we don't even care. Our marketplace analysis has told us that they are a minority and if we made a quality product, that caters to them, just for the sake of making the best game and experience possible, we will make less money then our current plans.
Q. What are your current plans?
A. We are going to take the name Blizzard and Starcraft has made and basically do the old bait and switch. For example, you see a sexy hooker on the corner and you roll up and tell her pimp you want her. He tells you to goto the hotel across the street and goto rm# 43. You get there, the lights are off and you realize you just jumped in bed with a 300 lb, unshowered, beast of a transexual who is covered in oozing sores. Your freak out and run down to the street to find the pimp and kill him. But he's gone along with your 60$.
Thats basically our plan.
Q. How do you think SC2 will be competitively?
A. A complete fail. Expectations are very high after the success Broodwar has had, so we decided that we shouldn't even bother living up to them. We're just gonna make the game so we can profit further. We do this by making the game pretty to look at and add exciting shiny units that have little to do with balance or competition. As long as we maintain the appearance of caring all the Broodwar nerds will stand by us.
Q. Is there anything else you want to add?
A. Yes, I'd like to say to all the fans who supported us through the years FUCK YOU!. Also, to the activision execs Dustin is on his way up now for your afternoon blowjobs. BUY STARCRAFT2 EVERYONE IT's GONNA SUCK ALMOST AS HARD AS THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF IT!
This is a mock interview it is for amusement purposes only and should not be taken seriously, by anyone, ever. Much like most of the things I say or type.
