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I am really in a bind and I don't know what to do.
A little over a year ago I met my now fiancé. When we met we clicked instantly and became an item right away. He is charming, intelligent, attractive, educated and an all around great guy. About four months ago, we moved in together and it's been great - we have similar interests and just really enjoy the time we spend together. I knew he was serious about me when he started talking about the future as "our future together." I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
A couple of months into our relationship, we had a talk about our past boyfriends / girlfriends. He's 31 (I'm 28) and has had a few girlfriends; some serious, some not so serious but never just casual. I had absolutely no problem with any of that. I realized, however, that his "number" was lower than mine and that he has never tried any crazy stuff. Sooo... I didn't go into full details about my own past. In particular, I did not mention anything about my boyfriend before him. That boyfriend and I did not last long but right from the beginning, it was "anything goes." When we broke up romantically we remained friends and I've since introduced him to my fiancé as my "good friend."
My fiancé was accepting of what information I did divulge. I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment in the future. I answered "no." Life together continued great and we got engaged last January.
When we first started dating, it was different with my fiancé because it took a while for us to become lovers. When we did, I discovered that he is great between the sheets! Even so, I have been a bit hesitant to let loose completely in the bedroom. He has suggested on numerous occasions that since he has found in me his true love, he would like for us to be more adventurous in bed. He wants to try stuff he has never tried with another woman. I have so far resisted even though what my fiancé wants is not really new to me - I had those experiences with my ex.
Fast forward to last week. We were at a party where many of our friends were present. Everyone had plenty to drink and loud conversations were everywhere. At one point we were talking with a couple, when my ex approached us. With him was a woman who was beyond drunk. When my ex introduced her to me, she responded, "oh he's (her guy, my ex) told me all about you. You're the chick he and his buddy had threesomes with."
I was stunned and my fiancé caught it. It took a few seconds before anyone said anything. Finally my ex said something like "don't be ridiculous "and guided her away. The other couple that was with us also moved away. My fiancé just looked at me and said let's go. In the car and at home there was no conversation.
The next day he asked me if it was true. I stammered and didn't really say anything coherent. In fact, it was true. With my ex had a small number of threesomes.
My fiancé says that I have deceived him and humiliated him. He feels terrible and he says it's worse since he figures all our friends now know as well. In the last week he has said that he wants to reconsider "us." Even though I told him all that was in the past and that I love him with all my heart, he still feels like he's been duped. He's also extremely angry that I hadn't wanted to experiment with him while I had "no problem" experimenting with the other guy.
When I asked him what I could do, he said he wants to know how many sexual partners I've had. He also wants to know all the stuff that I did with my ex and who the second guy in the threesomes was. He also said that he would like to have a threesome with me and some girl. I'm not thrilled about having a threesome with my fiancé or "going crazy" with him - but if this will appease him, I would do it.
What do I do? He really is the real deal. I have dated enough losers and jerks in the past to recognize this. I don't want to lose him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I'm incredibly sorry that he was humiliated. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.
User was temp banned for this post.
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Well you know what they say. Relationships are like hellion harrass. Ehm..
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You did deceive him and messed up. Be open with him from now on, I guess. Not sure on what planet the idea of you having a threesome is somehow going to make him feel closer to you, though.
Almost as weird as this being a first post on TL. . .
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Could it be...? The mythical "guy blog"?
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United States8476 Posts
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Isn't this the plot of some movie?
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Sounds like you don't really love the guy if you didn't put that up front (the thresomes). Also, why the hell wouldn't you want to step up your sex life to another lever with the man you are going to marry? Sounds like you're bored already with him. Do him and yourself a favor and end it now.
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He clearly needs to scout better.
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Should be in blogs?
I am no relationship expert, however your lack of transparency with your future husband is troubling in my mind. To believe that details of your past would never come out is somewhat silly, especially when you're still in contact with at least one of your ex boyfriends. I think it's pretty simple at this point; you need to come clean, lay your heart out to the man you claim to want to spend your life with, and wait for him to make a decision.
Honesty is without a doubt one of the biggest factors in a relationship, if you really want success and a long-term marriage keeping secrets will severely undermine your efforts.
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On June 26 2012 05:56 schimmetje wrote:
Well you know what they say. Relationships are like hellion harrass. Ehm..
The point of the date is not for her to be hot, but for her to be an interesting person.
Which is why tank positioning is important in TvT?
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United States43753 Posts
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"He also said that he would like to have a threesome with me and some girl. I'm not thrilled about having a threesome with my fiancé or "going crazy" with him - but if this will appease him, I would do it."
If only women could understand how insulting that is for a man.
Also shouldn't this be in the blog section? Jesus...
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To be honest, if he says he wants a threesome with another girl... Not to be rude, but the guy sounds like a complete dick. But disregarding that, I would tell him everything if you truly believe he's "the one."
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Well this is some weird shit, was this the first place you thought you could find some sound advice on this type of problem?
Nevertheless, In my opinion, if you have done all these things in the past, and he wants to experiment, why don't you agree on that? If he is the real deal and you humiliated him, perhaps this will mend the wounds. You should've told him from the start, but i guess you know that much.
All in all, just see if you are prepared to experiment with him now, since it seems he would still like to, and if you deny it to him he might have a feeling that you are holding things back from him for the rest of your relationship, which probably means it won't last long. So your last option is to try and make up for it.
Just saying.
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If he was humiliated because you had threesomes and didn't tell him, he's a fucking buffoon. And he said he wants you guys to have a threesome now? Story sounds fake or the guy is a complete jackass.
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if this is serious, why are you still dating a chump who gets broken down when he finds out his partner has had a threesome in the past like wtf. As a female, would you date such a man
EDIT: ^ Thats what i thought
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On June 26 2012 05:59 Jojo131 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 26 2012 05:56 schimmetje wrote:
Well you know what they say. Relationships are like hellion harrass. Ehm.. The point of the date is not for her to be hot, but for her to be an interesting person. Which is why tank positioning is important in TvT?
/fistbump
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You have a lot to deal with here and if you are serious about your relationship I would tread carefully. The most important aspect of this situation is that both of you need to be compeletely honest with each other. That is how you feel about the situation, what you've done in the past and you need to be open to talks about everything.
I want to give you some advice on relationships one might consider to be life changing. You need to be open and honest and you need to be completely trusting in this person or not at all. If one can't accept things about another person or forgive transgression from their past than the relationship will eventually sabatoge itself. Thats how humans operate.
You are certainly in the dog house with not be honest about your past. However, you should come full out and trust your man if you see yourself being able to be with him for life. You should both forgive and do your best to move on and look towards the future.
On regards to your boyfriend now wanting to experiment with threesomes of his own. That will not solve any issues with the relationship. AT. ALL. it will simply keep these experiences in the forefront of your mind and it will eat away at both of you. Expecially if, as you say, you are not really into that scene anymore. It WILL NOT appease him.
You need to have honest talks. The point that matters most is if he will fogive these transgresions and move forward or not. If he is not able to get over your past or the fact that you lied to him than there is no more relationship and the longer you both try so hard to make it work the worse the breakup is going to be.
He needs to forgive and forget and you both need to move forward with being honest with yourselves and each other.
also this should be in the blogs section. not very apporpriate for general
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EPT![[image loading]](http://www.reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/1310480585093.jpg)
