EPTThe EU server-based Team RIAW is ashamed to announce that we have arbitrarily and in a fit of drunkenness discovered that we have 1 spot open for a new team member.
We are therefore opening public tryouts on Saturday the 3rd of December 2011 from 2100 CET onwards. For those unfamiliar with Team RIAW, we are looking for people who meet the following criteria:
- Age is over 30. If you are over 60 we might secretly consider that a plus.
- You must already be in Bronze League. you must also demonstrably have very little chance of getting out of Bronze League.
- You must be entirely unfamiliar with being polite to opponents. Team RIAW specialises in that exotic form of BM which makes no sense, is clearly still offensive on some absurd level, and is associated with losing.
- Obviously, you must be on the EU server. Korean Grand Masters are not welcome on this team. Seriously, if you're already pofessional or in GM, don't spam us with requests to try out. Fuck off.
The tryouts will take the form of custom 1v1s versus 3 or possibly 4 current RIAW members: GnuPastaRIAW, SkullRIAW, GadagongRIAW, and possibly IronsideRIAW. Your performance as a candidate will be judged based on factors including and not limited to:
- Whether you win or lose (losing is kind of expected here; you have to read between the lines)
- The fashion in which you lose. We prize heroic acts of bad play such as forgetting to make an army or teching up to mothership on 1 base with 300 cannons in defensive formation.
- Stupidity will also be regarded favorably. We like to leave this open for RIAW candidates to express themselves, but we'll mention that SkullRIAW earned accolades for having once nuked his own expansion 3 times.
- General game mechanics will also be a factor in candidacy. Failure to hotkey, hotkeying the wrong things, hotkeying then not a-moving and losing everything, all of these aspects of basic game mechanics are examples of what we are looking for.
- Degree of intoxication.
Sign up for the tryouts by leaving a comment on this page http://www.team-riaw.org/team_riaw_scrub_tryouts or here on this thread with:
- Battle.net username and character code
- Age
- Declaration of commitment to forever being Bronze League
- Motivation for joining Team RIAW
Team RIAW tryouts applicants will be contacted around 2100 CET on Saturday the 3rd of December 2011 by GnuPastaRIAW. We are arranging for a stream and will see about getting a caster.
The stream is likely to be http://www.twitch.tv/GnuPastaRIAW . If that changes, we will update this post.
Tryout Format
Each candidate will play 3 games, each against a different current RIAW member (skullRIAW, GadagongRIAW, GnuPastaRIAW). During each game, the other two members will give scores out of ten for the candidate. After the 3 games, the candidate's final score will be the average of all six ratings (two ratings per game).
The candidate with the highest score at the end of the tryouts gains membership in Team RIAW. We do not have a specific set of points to assign and deduct, but scoring factors are obvious and points will be awarded of course at the discretion of the judges for things like failure to scout or expand, scouting mass marine and responding with mass phoenix, accidental destruction of own in-game assets, etc.
The map pool will be composed of the exact same maps as MLG. The reason for this is of course that dgbwskhebvahdksxfbvhaksfvhsv. So we're using the MLG map pool. That is, we're using these maps:
- Jungle Basin
- Steppes of War
- Novice Metalopolis
- Scrap Station
- Slag Pits
You the candidate do not get to choose which map we play on. That choice is carried out scientifically by the RIAW opponents using a very precise method involving extraction of the scientifically selected map of choice from the precision molded butt. Science.
EDIT: TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS FROM COMMENTS
We believe in the Real Deal(tm). Genuine bronze or gtfo, no faking bronze. The whole team is a bunch of people who wouldn't know a build order if it bit them in the nutsack.
If the try-out stream is popular, then yes we will do more events. We will be considering opening a junior division of RIAW auxiliaries where the age restriction is traded in. The reason for the age thing is, we the founding members of Rancid Imbeciles at War range from 36 (myself) to like a boobzillion years old (skullRIAW). We don't want youngsters with their Justin Bieber trampling all over our ABBA and Modern Talking.
And no, we don't want Deezer. His BM is boring and sterile. Our BM concerns itself with elderberries and flatulence.
