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My young Protoss son, listen to the advice of your father. Heed not the haughty words of strength from the brash Terran, who is so simple he cannot see his own weakness. (Can you believe, for a race so proud, they actually excrete feces? Surely their boasts are a jest, which the Universe laughs at!) In truth, they are but a step above the common beast.
Nor, child, should you believe the chattering of the despicable Zerg, whose will is not even their own - indeed, ultimately, they are ruled by one of those dirty Terrans I already told you about! They are a step below the beast, caricatures of animals, whose only function is to be slaves - a fate decreed from before they were born.
Forget not, my son, that we are the Firstborn, and the Universe is our birthright. We are strength incarnate, the object of Hercules' envy. The least of us towers over the tallest of the foolish longpigs. We are the pinnacle of mindpower, and with will alone we cut down swathes of heathens. Each of us is half god.
Allow me a moment to briefly review our military, that proud and honoured Templar caste, whose legacy you will soon be part of.
Zealot - Upon completion of basic training, you will be assigned this rank. You will be given basic armor with shield capabilities, and you will be taught how to will a blade into being with a single thought. At this stage, you will already be able to cut down three zerglings (those "rabid hyena killer wasps with claws and amniotic fluids" you've heard about). You begin to see how easy this whole war thing is.
![[image loading]](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Taezh4ULlfw/SS1A56cY8XI/AAAAAAAAAds/bKMZ3HpEd9M/s400/Luke+Skywalker+blue+lightsaber.jpg) Our Cultural Researcher has informed me that many Terrans once worshipped a film, a fantasy in which a blade similar to ours was the pinnacle of power. Fortunately, you are Protoss, and you get two of these on Day 1.
Stalker - Witness your Dark Templar brethren and the immense strength of spirit they possess. Death itself is a mere nuisance to the hardy members of the Shakuras tribes. You see, when they die, they cut off their heads and get them fused onto teleporting machines. Which shoot lasers. All while still wearing their masks.
Dark Templar - The living counterparts of the Stalkers are born invisible. They learn to kill from childhood. You're not stupid so I'll leave it to you to do the math. (By the way, while we're on the subject, lol @ the level of Terran "math"... ridiculous)
![[image loading]](http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/5558/eyescantsee.jpg) Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see
Colossus - Witness the capability of Protoss engineering. The laws of nature, the universe, and logic have never managed to constrain our great scientists, and now we have constructed a behemoth that is at one time both walking and flying. On the battlefield, you will witness them in action - do not be surprised when they set fire to your enemies simply by looking at them.
High Templar - One day, with much hard work behind you, you may ascend to this position. When you have done so, you will be able to erupt masses of living minds at will. You will also have really, really cool bling in the form of a glowing Khaydarin crystal that rests atop your third eye. It will magnify your potence; your thoughts will manifest with terrible power.
+ Show Spoiler +
Artist's rendition of a Psi Storm
The Templar's Creed
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the Khaydarin that thoughts acquire speed;
The body acquires levitation;
The levitation becomes a warning.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
TL;DR Protoss have the biggest dicks in the universe. And if we didn't we would just will a bigger one into existence. It would actually work, because we are Protoss. And it would glow, too.
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I approve of (most of) this thread
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The TL;DR part is brilliant :D 25/5
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is this one of many silly protoss attempts at recreating a legendary terran thread?
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You can't spell Protoss without Pro
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Heed not the haughty words of strength from the brash Terran, who is so simple he cannot see his own weakness. (Can you believe, for a race so proud, they actually excrete feces? Surely their boasts are a jest, which the Universe laughs at!) Best part of the thread.
Overall a strong 9/10.
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now this I enjoyed and I play zerg. Heck this almost made me wanna switch races in sc2 
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You can't spell Protoss without Pro
Guess why the term "Toss" came into existence...
This Thread really is by far the coolest of all the races and convinced me that Protoss are having the biggest dicks. Well written!
(imo they are still pussies, but nvm)
SB
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haha hilarious. well done enjoyed it thoroughly
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Hehe when i was reading this Aldaris voice was in my head.
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Rofl the 2nd picture is so good.
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Good read 
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meh this could have been better i think, it could be alot more hauss considering all the things the protoss can do...the dune quotee is clever though.
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No so good was terran thread but still nice.
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Great thread! link to terran thread?
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Now we need a zerg pride thread this is very good
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as a fellow toss player i am quite disappointed that this wasnt as good as the others
but cheers to you for making this thread anyway TOS REP
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Terran one I think is still a bit better, but very nice. I want to see a zerg one now!!!
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LOLOLOL TL;DR part is halarious!
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It's good, and well done for keeping it to that protoss style....I just can't help but feel that it doesn't quite have the 'umph' of the other races.
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I like this protoss one better
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On June 07 2010 00:49 Backpack wrote:I like this protoss one better
Thx
And I agree, this protoss one is better.
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glowing dicks huh??
lol I dont know what this thread is all about but i laughed
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En Taro Adun, my brethren.
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I thought protoss was for the cool kids.
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On June 07 2010 01:32 LCC wrote:
I thought protoss was for the cool kids.
XD
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Definitely a attempt to match the balls of the terran thread Although it fails in superiority it is still a good read lol
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tldr was the best part imo.
Just didnt pack as much epic as the other two threads.
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Our Cultural Researcher has informed me that many Terrans once worshipped a film, a fantasy in which a blade similar to ours was the pinnacle of power. Fortunately, you are Protoss, and you get two of these on Day 1.
I just pictured a zealot with 2 lightsabers lmao
nicely done
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Aggre on everything! Protoss for ever!
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I dispute the protossy-ness of this thread.
On June 06 2010 22:56 snotboogie wrote:
We are strength incarnate, the object of Hercules' envy.
I cannot imagine that a Protoss would ever stoop to merely being the object of envy of some obscure Terran myth, nor seek to compare themselves to one.
Stalker - Witness your Dark Templar brethren and the immense strength of spirit they possess. Death itself is a mere nuisance to the hardy members of the Shakuras tribes. You see, when they die, they cut off their heads and get them fused onto teleporting machines. Which shoot lasers. All while still wearing their masks.
You're writing like a Terran now and fail to even attempt to exult any of these honorable characteristics of the Dark Templar. Your inaccurately describe their particle disrupters as "lasers", a simple term for simple minds. One of the Protoss' greatest medical feats is described as a simple "cutting" while the cultural significance and loyalty shown by their wearing of their masks is left completely unexplained and ignored, as if the author merely thought it was "cool".
Dark Templar - The living counterparts of the Stalkers are born invisible. They learn to kill from childhood. You're not stupid so I'll leave it to you to do the math. (By the way, while we're on the subject, lol @ the level of Terran "math"... ridiculous)
There are many aspects of this writing to sneer at for their lack of poetry, but by far the use of the "lol" abbreviation undermines any authority you may have as one who speaks for the Protoss.
Colossus - Witness the capability of Protoss engineering. The laws of nature, the universe, and logic have never managed to constrain our great scientists, and now we have constructed a behemoth that is at one time both walking and flying. On the battlefield, you will witness them in action - do not be surprised when they set fire to your enemies simply by looking at them.
The simple nature of your language continues to distort the true and terrible nature of the things that you describe. The colossus, a war machine that towers in silhouette above dreams of other life forms, and the simple terms of "walking", "flying", "looking", and "setting fire" are far too plebeian to describe any construct created by the intellectual prowess of the Protoss as they have probed the deepest mysteries of the universe.
High Templar - One day, with much hard work behind you, you may ascend to this position. When you have done so, you will be able to erupt masses of living minds at will. You will also have really, really cool bling in the form of a glowing Khaydarin crystal that rests atop your third eye. It will magnify your potence; your thoughts will manifest with terrible power.
Bling. My brain lost a few cells from even reading that term. I can hardly imagine that a proud Protoss would stoop to one of the lowest words of the Terran dialects, nor would an upstanding Protoss be concerned with such a minor things as material wealth or symbols of high status. Such is the caste system that every Protoss brings their full capacities to bear on the trials and tribulations that have befallen their race, and it is only because of this that they still survive today.
TL;DR Protoss have the biggest dicks in the universe. And if we didn't we would just will a bigger one into existence. It would actually work, because we are Protoss. And it would glow, too.
TLDR the only good part of the whole post was the zealot part. Everything else was distinctly uninspired and written in low level language that should not be associated with ones who can proudly call themselves the "First Born".
Aside: for those of you who think I'm taking this too seriously, I had nothing better to do and was genuinely disappointed with the tack the OP took. My opinion, for what it's worth on an internet forum.
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TLDR part is GOLD. Fantastic haha.
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Wtf is this. Total pointless crap, waste of time reading it.
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I thought it was queens? But I get confused at times.
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Terran: At least we still have our homeworld LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!
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Needs to be more pretentious and cocky imo. It started very well but went downhill when you got to stalkers.
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On June 07 2010 03:36 phyvo wrote:I dispute the protossy-ness of this thread. Show nested quote +On June 06 2010 22:56 snotboogie wrote:
We are strength incarnate, the object of Hercules' envy. I cannot imagine that a Protoss would ever stoop to merely being the object of envy of some obscure Terran myth, nor seek to compare themselves to one. Show nested quote +Stalker - Witness your Dark Templar brethren and the immense strength of spirit they possess. Death itself is a mere nuisance to the hardy members of the Shakuras tribes. You see, when they die, they cut off their heads and get them fused onto teleporting machines. Which shoot lasers. All while still wearing their masks. You're writing like a Terran now and fail to even attempt to exult any of these honorable characteristics of the Dark Templar. Your inaccurately describe their particle disrupters as "lasers", a simple term for simple minds. One of the Protoss' greatest medical feats is described as a simple "cutting" while the cultural significance and loyalty shown by their wearing of their masks is left completely unexplained and ignored, as if the author merely thought it was "cool". Show nested quote +Dark Templar - The living counterparts of the Stalkers are born invisible. They learn to kill from childhood. You're not stupid so I'll leave it to you to do the math. (By the way, while we're on the subject, lol @ the level of Terran "math"... ridiculous) There are many aspects of this writing to sneer at for their lack of poetry, but by far the use of the "lol" abbreviation undermines any authority you may have as one who speaks for the Protoss. Show nested quote +
Colossus - Witness the capability of Protoss engineering. The laws of nature, the universe, and logic have never managed to constrain our great scientists, and now we have constructed a behemoth that is at one time both walking and flying. On the battlefield, you will witness them in action - do not be surprised when they set fire to your enemies simply by looking at them.
The simple nature of your language continues to distort the true and terrible nature of the things that you describe. The colossus, a war machine that towers in silhouette above dreams of other life forms, and the simple terms of "walking", "flying", "looking", and "setting fire" are far too plebeian to describe any construct created by the intellectual prowess of the Protoss as they have probed the deepest mysteries of the universe. Show nested quote +High Templar - One day, with much hard work behind you, you may ascend to this position. When you have done so, you will be able to erupt masses of living minds at will. You will also have really, really cool bling in the form of a glowing Khaydarin crystal that rests atop your third eye. It will magnify your potence; your thoughts will manifest with terrible power. Bling. My brain lost a few cells from even reading that term. I can hardly imagine that a proud Protoss would stoop to one of the lowest words of the Terran dialects, nor would an upstanding Protoss be concerned with such a minor things as material wealth or symbols of high status. Such is the caste system that every Protoss brings their full capacities to bear on the trials and tribulations that have befallen their race, and it is only because of this that they still survive today. Show nested quote +TL;DR Protoss have the biggest dicks in the universe. And if we didn't we would just will a bigger one into existence. It would actually work, because we are Protoss. And it would glow, too. TLDR the only good part of the whole post was the zealot part. Everything else was distinctly uninspired and written in low level language that should not be associated with ones who can proudly call themselves the "First Born". Aside: for those of you who think I'm taking this too seriously, I had nothing better to do and was genuinely disappointed with the tack the OP took. My opinion, for what it's worth on an internet forum.
Imo you should re-write this and make it better.
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great improvement on the protoss =) now there's at least 1 thread on each race.
Although personally,
i think twin zergling rape and the Ultralisk picture is enough to settle "which race is the most epic"
and to phyvo: you took this a bit too seriously. . . unfortunately, that is still a human being sitting in his mortal chair typing up a funny thread. Not a fucking real protoss executive representative. Because they don't really exist.
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Such conceit, elder Protoss!
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of course, this is why every time your zealot gets zapped by a scv they shout "WE CANNOT HOLD"
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very nice read! a great way to show the strength and arrogance of the protoss. love this race
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Taiwan619 Posts
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On June 07 2010 05:52 fwaaahh wrote:
and to phyvo: you took this a bit too seriously. . . unfortunately, that is still a human being sitting in his mortal chair typing up a funny thread. Not a fucking real protoss executive representative. Because they don't really exist.
ROFLMAO
and, good read, funny, but I think it could have been done a lot better, Protoss are a lot more awesome then this IMO :D
Edit: Phyvo is right though, most of it is not Protoss material, as this should actually sound like a real Protoss executive representative wrote it.
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FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
Dude lol TL;DR part.
Good thread~
Just as lulzy as the Terran one.
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The TL;DR definitely makes up for any issues with the writeup. In fact, you could pretty much just leave the TL;DR part up, erase everything else, and this thread would still be pretty legit.
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Our Cultural Researcher has informed me that many Terrans once worshipped a film, a fantasy in which a blade similar to ours was the pinnacle of power. Fortunately, you are Protoss, and you get two of these on Day 1.
This is win xD
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wonderful!
Oh TL you are the best.
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finally some interesting article to end my day!
oh its 12:19... DAMN IT, start my day, though ima go to sleep now
Nonetheless, good job!
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Silly toss's... trying to be all witty and eloquent, when in fact you are just a bunch of grumbling aliens without mouths.
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Wow this is awesome. Well done.
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En Taro Tassadar, dude-man!
(Because fuck Adun).
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I think a more epic one about P has already been made, sorry....
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Oh! And for anyone who thinks this thread isn't Protoss-esque, try clicking on a High Templar a few times until he says, "Do you know what happens to a frog when he gets hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to... other stuff." See! They don't always have giant sticks up their asses. Sometimes they like to blow shit up just like everyone else.
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+ Show Spoiler +On June 07 2010 03:36 phyvo wrote:I dispute the protossy-ness of this thread. Show nested quote +On June 06 2010 22:56 snotboogie wrote:
We are strength incarnate, the object of Hercules' envy. I cannot imagine that a Protoss would ever stoop to merely being the object of envy of some obscure Terran myth, nor seek to compare themselves to one. Show nested quote +Stalker - Witness your Dark Templar brethren and the immense strength of spirit they possess. Death itself is a mere nuisance to the hardy members of the Shakuras tribes. You see, when they die, they cut off their heads and get them fused onto teleporting machines. Which shoot lasers. All while still wearing their masks. You're writing like a Terran now and fail to even attempt to exult any of these honorable characteristics of the Dark Templar. Your inaccurately describe their particle disrupters as "lasers", a simple term for simple minds. One of the Protoss' greatest medical feats is described as a simple "cutting" while the cultural significance and loyalty shown by their wearing of their masks is left completely unexplained and ignored, as if the author merely thought it was "cool". Show nested quote +Dark Templar - The living counterparts of the Stalkers are born invisible. They learn to kill from childhood. You're not stupid so I'll leave it to you to do the math. (By the way, while we're on the subject, lol @ the level of Terran "math"... ridiculous) There are many aspects of this writing to sneer at for their lack of poetry, but by far the use of the "lol" abbreviation undermines any authority you may have as one who speaks for the Protoss. Show nested quote +
Colossus - Witness the capability of Protoss engineering. The laws of nature, the universe, and logic have never managed to constrain our great scientists, and now we have constructed a behemoth that is at one time both walking and flying. On the battlefield, you will witness them in action - do not be surprised when they set fire to your enemies simply by looking at them.
The simple nature of your language continues to distort the true and terrible nature of the things that you describe. The colossus, a war machine that towers in silhouette above dreams of other life forms, and the simple terms of "walking", "flying", "looking", and "setting fire" are far too plebeian to describe any construct created by the intellectual prowess of the Protoss as they have probed the deepest mysteries of the universe. Show nested quote +High Templar - One day, with much hard work behind you, you may ascend to this position. When you have done so, you will be able to erupt masses of living minds at will. You will also have really, really cool bling in the form of a glowing Khaydarin crystal that rests atop your third eye. It will magnify your potence; your thoughts will manifest with terrible power. Bling. My brain lost a few cells from even reading that term. I can hardly imagine that a proud Protoss would stoop to one of the lowest words of the Terran dialects, nor would an upstanding Protoss be concerned with such a minor things as material wealth or symbols of high status. Such is the caste system that every Protoss brings their full capacities to bear on the trials and tribulations that have befallen their race, and it is only because of this that they still survive today. Show nested quote +TL;DR Protoss have the biggest dicks in the universe. And if we didn't we would just will a bigger one into existence. It would actually work, because we are Protoss. And it would glow, too. TLDR the only good part of the whole post was the zealot part. Everything else was distinctly uninspired and written in low level language that should not be associated with ones who can proudly call themselves the "First Born". Aside: for those of you who think I'm taking this too seriously, I had nothing better to do and was genuinely disappointed with the tack the OP took. My opinion, for what it's worth on an internet forum.
Get some manners. He made a thread and then you try and attention-whore the acclaim away with your own really mediocre writing. You're not a poet so stop shitting on someone elses contribution. Your rudeness just made me like the OP more.
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On June 06 2010 22:56 snotboogie wrote:
My young Protoss son, listen to the advice of your father. Heed not the haughty words of strength from the brash Terran, who is so simple he cannot see his own weakness. (Can you believe, for a race so proud, they actually excrete feces? Surely their boasts are a jest, which the Universe laughs at!) In truth, they are but a step above the common beast.
Nor, child, should you believe the chattering of the despicable Zerg, whose will is not even their own - indeed, ultimately, they are ruled by one of those dirty Terrans I already told you about! They are a step below the beast, caricatures of animals, whose only function is to be slaves - a fate decreed from before they were born.
I'm sorry, is Earth overrun with the Zerg? Oh no wait, Aiur is. Is Shakuras overrun with the zerg? Well it was, but then you had to wipe the planet with the Xel'naga temple, killing every single DT. Sounds like the weakest of the three races if you ask me.
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On June 07 2010 19:47 Deathstar wrote:Show nested quote +On June 06 2010 22:56 snotboogie wrote:
My young Protoss son, listen to the advice of your father. Heed not the haughty words of strength from the brash Terran, who is so simple he cannot see his own weakness. (Can you believe, for a race so proud, they actually excrete feces? Surely their boasts are a jest, which the Universe laughs at!) In truth, they are but a step above the common beast.
Nor, child, should you believe the chattering of the despicable Zerg, whose will is not even their own - indeed, ultimately, they are ruled by one of those dirty Terrans I already told you about! They are a step below the beast, caricatures of animals, whose only function is to be slaves - a fate decreed from before they were born.
I'm sorry, is Earth overrun with the Zerg? Oh no wait, Aiur is. Is Shakuras overrun with the zerg? Well it was, but then you had to wipe the planet with the Xel'naga temple, killing every single DT. Sounds like the weakest of the three races if you ask me.
yes. wiping out a whole planet is weak.
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you sure the artist's rendition of psi storm wasnt suppose to be feedback?
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What can possibly be more manly than destroying tanks by punching them until they explode? This is Protoss :D
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No beautiful poem about the mothership crapping out black holes? This upsets me.
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On June 07 2010 19:47 Deathstar wrote:Show nested quote +On June 06 2010 22:56 snotboogie wrote:
My young Protoss son, listen to the advice of your father. Heed not the haughty words of strength from the brash Terran, who is so simple he cannot see his own weakness. (Can you believe, for a race so proud, they actually excrete feces? Surely their boasts are a jest, which the Universe laughs at!) In truth, they are but a step above the common beast.
Nor, child, should you believe the chattering of the despicable Zerg, whose will is not even their own - indeed, ultimately, they are ruled by one of those dirty Terrans I already told you about! They are a step below the beast, caricatures of animals, whose only function is to be slaves - a fate decreed from before they were born.
I'm sorry, is Earth overrun with the Zerg? Oh no wait, Aiur is. Is Shakuras overrun with the zerg? Well it was, but then you had to wipe the planet with the Xel'naga temple, killing every single DT. Sounds like the weakest of the three races if you ask me.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of me blowing shit up with my mind.
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Protoss are a powerful race until.....
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS!
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TL;DR Protoss have the biggest dicks in the universe. And if we didn't we would just will a bigger one into existence. It would actually work, because we are Protoss. And it would glow, too.
LOLOL!!! I didn't read your OP except for the TL;DR...Priceless LOL  to you Sir.
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On June 07 2010 05:52 fwaaahh wrote:
and to phyvo: you took this a bit too seriously. . . unfortunately, that is still a human being sitting in his mortal chair typing up a funny thread. Not a fucking real protoss executive representative. Because they don't really exist.
Being human isn't an excuse because the whole business was written by people to begin with. Now, being an unpaid-not-a-professional-writer-fan-with-limited-free-time, that's a different matter.
On June 07 2010 17:58 Subversive wrote:
Get some manners. He made a thread and then you try and attention-whore the acclaim away with your own really mediocre writing. You're not a poet so stop shitting on someone elses contribution. Your rudeness just made me like the OP more.
I have no illusions about my writing. If I did I would have jumped on wr3k's comments and made my own thread. Perhaps if you spent less time attacking me personally and focused more on "I had nothing better to do and was genuinely disappointed with the tack the OP took" you could understand my intentions better. Maybe I could have made that a bit clearer, but honestly I think you're being needlessly venomous regardless.
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Lolololol omg
TL;DR Protoss have the biggest dicks in the universe. And if we didn't we would just will a bigger one into existence. It would actually work, because we are Protoss. And it would glow, too.
win!
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there could be a lot more info about why toss have biggest dick loollolol
punching a tank till death it's cool jajajaja
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Osaka27148 Posts
Meh. Typical tripe written by a simple-minded magic wielding fairy that represents the joke that is the protoss race. What good is a big glowing dick in a race that has women who look like they do? The only two woman in the protoss race are Selendis who is a dyke, and Raszagal who is more than one thousand fucking years old. Whatever turns you on I guess.
Unless you are all... oh. Well. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Aside from that, you ran out of steam about 10% of the way in. I give you two pity points out of ten.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/4393/psistorm.jpg)
