Your most embarrassing story - Page 7

I have gotten drunk plenty of times, but only the times that I drink Jager do I have really bad experiences. I was in College (just out of high school) and this one girl that I knew decided she needed to "practice" having sex and that I was the logical choice. So she was talking to me and we were making a "plan" on what day we should do this event (which by the way for people thinking about having sex for the first time NEVER PLAN IT IT WILL MESS UP COMPLETELY). It was decided that she would be in charge of getting alcohol (for our nerves) and I would be in charge of getting the porn (for the mood). I ended up in the mall at a Suncoast Video. I was sweating like crazy because I had never been shopping for a porno, and what made it worse I had to ask the cashier girl if they had any other choices besides what was out on the shelves because they were "not of my taste". Of course, what I probably really said was "do you have some of people having sex" cuz all they had was the girls gone wild videos. I am not really sure how I phrased it, my mind probably deleted the memory out of complete shame of me.

So I ended up going to one of those "gag gift" shops to get the porno and was happily on my way back home to get ready for the next nights activities. So the next day we are both at this party (cover story, we had it all planned #Geniuses) and I was wearing a turtleneck (OMG WTF really? Can someone explain who in their right mind decides "I think the best way to lose my virginity is wearing a turtleneck". You can't explain it, cuz its stupid. Heed my failures readers, do not fall for the same trap that I did many years ago). Anyway so the night goes on and everyone else starts to fall asleep and we tell everyone we are not tired yet and are going to the bedroom to watch a movie (ya i know its a lame ass cover story, but we thought we were #Geniuses remember?). So we pop in a movie and wait for about 30 minutes for everyone else to go to sleep, all the the while getting more and more drunk.

Thirty minutes pass and she says the magical phrase "put in the porno now, its time'. Which as any man knows is THE greatest pickup line ever. So I put in the DVD and we start watching this movie. About five minutes in I start thinking to myself "this is really good I might have to take care of my own business" and then I feel someone else's hand on my thigh and remembered I was not there alone. She asks "are you ready?" and I try to suavely say "why yes, I am". But what actually came out was a dry coughing "sure" cuz at that point the nerves had started to set in.

If any of you all have ever tried to have relations while drunk you may know that occasionally your stuff will not work as well as it does when you wake up in the morning. So add that to the fact that I was nervous as all hell and it turned out I could not stay hard. My mind kept trying to be "in the moment" but it kept going back to weird visions of pointing and laughing that had never even happened. Shes there trying her best to work her magic and I decide that maybe if I tried to pleasure her, I would regain my stature. So she laid down on her back and I prepare to dive right in. So I get into position, take a deep breathe, and immediately sober up.

At this point in my life I had never experienced what I was experiencing, so I had no way of knowing whether or not it was a "normal" aroma or something was off. I knew perfectly well I could not flat out ask "Is it supposed to smell like this?' or something of the sort cuz even though it was going horribly I still wanted to try to get laid. After a minute of sitting there staring, we both decided that it was not going to work and decided to stop for the night.

The next morning I went into the kitchen where her brother was making a sandwich. I am still a bit tired and not hungry and just sat down and shot the shit for a bit. After awhile I start to smell the same smell I had smelt the night before. First I looked around the room to see if the girl just walked in, and secondly I started to sniff my fingers but was unable to come up with the source of the smell. The girls brother called me over to the counter and asked "You like pepperjack cheese?" "I've never even had it" says I. He responds to this by throwing a piece of pepperjack cheese in my face and saying "smell this, it smells great doesn't it?" As it turns out, it was this cheese that was causing that aroma this morning, and not my fingers. So after connecting the smell of the cheese with the smell from the previous night I nearly throw up right there in the kitchen.

Please note, the embarassing part HAS NOT YET HAPPENED.

A week later me and the girl had since decided that we were not going to "practice" anymore and we were going to keep it a secret, but we both ended up at the same party again (small place). We stay away from each other all night but I had to go into this one room to look for my friend. As soon as I walk into the room everyone starts laughing, and it did not take long for me to figure out why. The practice girl was pointing to her finger that she could not "get up" and pointed to me, then back to her finger. As I stood there, getting ridiculed by a room full of girls I could not think of what to do. I glanced down and saw a bottle of Jager, took it, and turned around and walked out the door without saying anything. I spent the rest of the night finishing off the bottle alone on the front porch swing.

To make matters even worse (yea I know) she had not only told all the girls in that room about it, but also all the girls in her class at school about it. Luckily since I was in college I did not have to deal with it directly, but caught wind of it when other friends of mine her age started to ask me about it. To this day, I can not eat pepperjack cheese.