EPT" S t a r r i n g Y o u ! "
A hilarious satire from 10 years ago (2003) necromancered off a dead webpage.
All quotations featured on this page were taken in real Starcraft games on Battle.net. They are not faked, edited, or staged in any way. All accounts and descriptions of B.net personalities are real, captured and compiled by reliable sources to the author. Any resemblance to real B.net participants is NOT coincidental. Battle.net user IDs have NOT been changed to protect the stupid.
*Mr. Bad Manner
Jack[RCDF: Yes you dick head
Jack[RCDF: hehe wait and see bitch
Jack[RCDF: rofl geek face trounced eassssyyyy nerd!
His chatting is normally accompanied by generous servings of profanity and expletives. He may also make unwholesome remarks concerning your mother. This player neither wins nor loses graciously. He will rub every small action during the game in your face. In all likelihood, this player is a gentle quiet person in real life and uses Battle.net as an outlet for years of pent up frustration. He refers to you as "his student" or "my daughter". He often has Dan Menicanin personality disorder.
*The Lost Puppy
Jack[RCDF: You won last game because I was on the phone, go rm.
So you were playing well and basically owned some crappy player on Battle.net. Nothing memorable occurred during the game other than the fact that the match was shorter than usual. You return to your favorite channel when your opponent is whispering to you. At first, he'll be civil and ask for a rematch. You can politely decline or just ignore him, hoping that your screen name becomes too cumbersome for him to type out. However, this guy will soon get the idea that you want no part in a rematch. He'll resort to taunting and insulting you by questioning your bravery in the face of a video game. Remarks such as, "You're just a newb," or, "Yeah, I know you're afraid that I'll win this time," are well within this guy's repertoire. The only thing you're afraid of is wasting your time with another game with this guy. Basically, you gave this guy some attention in your first game and now he follows you around. Sometimes he's persistent enough that you'll just have to switch account names in order to avoid him. If this persists long enough, his personality profile can be relabeled to The Stalker.
*The Lag-onator
rOcKyRoCkYrOcKy: who has Fischer-Price modem?
rOcKyRoCkYrOcKy has saved the game Who Has Wooden Modem?
This guy is using his (parents') brand new Dell computer on a 28.8K AOL dial-up connection. He wonders why online gaming is so slow since Intel advertised that the Pentium 4 enhances the Internet experience. Also has several instances of file sharing programs complete with spyware running during the game to obtain the latest Britney Spears songs.
*The Bovine Starting in: 1 seconds
ILoveKittens: hi
Vortex[eMg]: hello ILoveKittens
ILoveKittens: sup
Vortex[eMg]: gl
ILoveKittens: gl hf
Jack[RCDF has left the game.
Constantly looking for better pastures to graze. He'll join a game and while the countdown timer is ticking, he'll exit the match. After a reexamination of the situation he thought he could find a better gaming experience elsewhere. The grass is greener on the other side so he's heading off to feed. You have to admire him for his tireless dedication to his quest.
*Joseph McCarthy
Jack[RCDF: You FUCKING HACK!!!
DarkArchon(MC): Yes bro its skill hack
Instead of the Red Scare and seeing communists everywhere, this guy thinks hackers are always out to destroy the Universe as we know it. You deny his early expand? HACKER! You intercept a drop of his? HACKER! This guy believes he's the greatest StarCraft player to ever exist and the only reason you're doing so well is because you're hacking.
*The Diplomat
Jack[RCDF: so we can all have the win if we survive
This fellow is ready to absolve any past transgression from during the course of the game (if he is losing). He's ready to make up and asks that you ally up with him. Thus everyone gets a victory and we all win! If you ignore his pleads he is capable of becoming Mr. Bad Manner.
*The Hacker Extraordinaire
Jack[RCDF: I am hacker, want your CDKey stolen by my keyforce program?
This miscreant scours the web for all manner of hacks and exploits to gain an unfair advantage over other players. With his arsenal of third party software at his fingertips he can finally dominate the gaming scene. Unfortunately, a great many of these hackers forgot to learn how to play StarCraft. They think that hacks will more than make up for their lack of skill. Oftentimes you will login to discover that your CDKey is in use by this guy. He is the culprint when the game list is nothing but crash games, when a IP Reaper bot is banning you from every game you join, and when your channel is flooded for weeks straight. http://www.gosugamers.net/forums/topic/288623-the-great-flood-of-east/
*The Available One
Jack[RCDF: U a girl?
JeremyLing has left the game.
GiantSpaceAnts: no
JF-Slip: no body a girl!
It's no great secret that a good portion of Battle.net participants are either prepubescent or in the midst of puberty. Despite the fact that Battle.net services span across the country allowing you to compete and chat with people far and wide, this guy thinks it's a good place to meet girls. You will oftentimes find him in channel Sex. (Yes it is a real channel that has been full the last 10 years.)
*The Double Agent
Jack[RCDF: I will make you some cannons to protect you.
This guy is a thespian of Shakespearean caliber. He can convincingly blend in with his ally and offer him support and tips. Unbeknownst to his ally, his intentions are less than honorable. While his ally goes off to try and win the game, the double agent unleashes his army to slaughter the defenseless former ally. Beware when allied vision turns black. Commonly known as a Backstabber. Usually from the website ICantLose.com or Op ICL. You'll be surprised when you notice everyone is the same color in your 7v1 Comp Stomp. You will discover your minerals hallucinated by Kapitan-Man's rigged map while he floats to the only island expansion with money.
*Houdini
Jack[RCDF: Now you see me, now you don't!
For his last magic trick he will disappear, just allow yourselves to close your eyes as the 45-second lag window appears after he intentionally disconnects. This guy believes Battle.net game statistics are relevant to life. They will someday appear on his police report sheet, credit rating history, and his school's permanent record. You will wonder why he has 8,000 disconnects.
*One Trick Pony
This guy only knows how to win in one way. Normally a Zerg or Protoss player he will try a ling, zeal, or DT rush. If it fails, he'll leave the game immediately and either become a Diplomat or Houdini.
*The Connoisseur
Believes he's a great expert on games and entertainment, he makes open commentary on details about StarCraft. Usually compares StarCraft to other games and eventually arrives at the conclusion that StarCraft sucks. Continues to harp on StarCraft but stays online with it. Love-hate relationship at its finest. Sucks to mix business and pleasure. Doesn't realize that no one cares about his opinion.
*The Aristocrat
Jack[RCDF: Make a real map like Big Game Hunters
If the map isn't worth a lot of money, it isn't worth playing according to this guy. "I shouldn't have to work for my money, my money should work for me," contend BGH'ers, zero clutter and $$$$$ map players.
*Fish Out of Water
This personality profile is in terms of an Aristocrat finding himself on a normal non-money map. This player will only use one income source at his main and proceed to either build mass static D and/or tech to the highest tiered units in the game only to find out that he's out of money and has become a vegetable.
*Master of Time and Space
Well, this guy can be the master of time and space pending on certain conditions. When he pauses a game, it will remained paused if his ally and opponents are reasonable and good mannered. More often than not, time and space are forces you cannot control on a whim. When he returns to the game, he finds that he either has a ton of money with no units or tech, or no base at all. Also see Mr. Recurring Head Trauma.
*The Vigilante
Jack[RCDF: I am BNET police and I will report you to Blizzard!
Watch out for this guy, he's out to fight gaming crime. Unfortunately, everyone is a suspect. He'll threaten to report you to Blizzard so that they can prosecute you to the furthest extent of the law. If he claims to be a Blizzard employee, his personality profile can be relabeled to The Faux Fed. You can find him in Banning Game UMS games.
*The One-Armed Bandit
Unfortunately, it's difficult to see this in action over Battle.net. However, if you have ever watched a StarCraft tournament in person, you'll see these types (difficult to see over Battle.net, even more painful to see in person). Basically, these guys can play StarCraft with one hand tied behind their back. Actually, they just play with one hand using the mouse. Shortcut keys are too difficult to remember, hotkeying groups requires too much time, and chatting is never productive. Watch out for these guys, many of them fall into the Near-sighted Kamikaze Pilot profile as well since they are unaware of the attack-move command.
*The Racist
When he loses to a Zerg its because he got "Zerg'd". He claims "everyone knows its impossible to beat a Terran". Protoss is the "easy race".
*The Near-sighted Kamikaze Pilot
Each unit in StarCraft can share in the potential to win the game, if properly applied. In order to do this, the unit needs to help deal out damage. Under the Near-sighted Kamikaze Pilot's master plan, each unit in StarCraft can become cannon fodder in one easy step! Basically, this guy right clicks his units everywhere. Whether it be into a wall of sunkens, a field of mines, or nuclear launch site. Not every unit is lost due to right-clicking though. Some of these pilots vastly underestimate enemy defenses and think they can take it on.
*The Law-Abiding Citizen
Jack[RCDF: rules?
Rules are the binding force of society. Without them there would be nothing but chaos. Determined to avoid such anarchy, this guy will invariably ask in the beginning or before a game starts if there are any rules.
*Mr. Recurring Head Trauma
This fellow has a nasty habit of lapsing out of consciousness or leaving the keyboard. He returns to find that either the game has started without his awareness or that he was attacked when he was gone.
*The Smurf
This guy is either well-known, hounded by stalkers, or wants to shrug off incidents of when people ban him from games on the account of his great record from his previous user name. He hopes to start a new name in order to either get games going, or to trick others into thinking he's less skilled than he really is.
*The Statser
Jack[RCDF: can u let me win this?
Jack[RCDF: i really need this
/stats Ledoyen
Ledoyen 1,000,000-1,000-0
This guy cares about pretty stats. He will only play in stacked team games. If he does join your game, he will tell you to wait for his 3 friends.
*Low Self-Esteem Guy
Jack[RCDF: you know
Jack[RCDF: gg we lose
Jack[RCDF: - --d
Jack[RCDF: -_-a
This player lacks any sort of confidence in gaming ability. He will introduce himself as a newbie and profess his suckitude for StarCraft. Not only does it lower the confidence of potential allies, it increases his likelihood of becoming backstabbed, thus speeding him ever further down the spiral. Seek professional help immediately. However, some of these guys are actually Smurfs hoping to disarm potential opponents.
*The Artist
You usually find this guy at work in B.net chatrooms or the lobby of a game before it starts. He likes to doodle with letters and make one line ASCII art. A harsh profession, his works quickly vanish as they scroll upwards as new responses are made or the game starts. In extreme cases he will doodle ingame by creating art to see on the minimap.
*The Talent Scout
Usually the leader of a new clan, he's out to recruit the best that B.net has to offer (poor guy). In order to become part of a privileged elite that are able to join his select clan you have to beat him in a match. Little does he realize that his intentions are to become a leader of a clan where he has the least amount of skill.
*The Collector
His main interest is to amass and archive every single map made for StarCraft. Despite online web pages offering a multitude of maps for download, he finds the best way to obtain maps is to join games, let the map slowly transfer over and leave. During his desperate mission, he will offer pleas of, "plz let me dl thx," or, "wait ok." Also known as a Mapthief.
*The Blameless One
Jack[RCDF: guys my partner sucks
Jack[RCDF: so
Jack[RCDF: you win
It's never his fault, EVER. The only reason he lost is because he didn't random to his best race, or that his ally was a newbie, or that in the FFA everyone ganged up on him. He refuses to take responsibility for his own actions (or inaction), and pins it on something else. Some go as far as to say, "If we were playing <insert other game name here> I would have kicked your butt." Sorry kid, we weren't playing that game just deal with your loss. If he takes one loss, or if you have a good ally, he will fake AFK.
*Affirmative Action Advocate
This guy wants to be the great equalizer. Builds all the hardly seen units in online gaming believing them to be the best choice for the job. Don't worry the next time you decide to skip building Scouts, Queens, or Ghosts. He'll do it for you so that there's equal representation.
*The Surveyor
He's here to ask you 20 questions whether they are relevant to StarCraft or not. Anything from A/S/L to where he can obtain hacks for the game.
*The Terminal Patient
Menace_Man: go
Menace_Man: gog
Menace_Man: og
Menace_Man: gl hf
Menace_Man: damn it
Menace_Man: go host
This guy hasn't much time left, thus he's very impatient. Everything must begin immediately after he arrives or you're just wasting his last precious seconds on Earth. His two favorite letters to type are "G" and "O" in no particular order, combination, or length.
*The Lag Accuser
Part The Blameless One, Douglas MacArthur, and The Lag-onator, this guy accuses everyone else of lagging the game when in reality it is his own connection that is the culprit. Disconnect windows always show him as the lagger, but when this is brought to his attention he denies it. Occasionally this person will go as far as to lie about the speed and throughput of his connection in order to shake the blame.
*The Self-Proclaimed Gosu
Telecom: I have been in [TOp] Neo.G_ [aLive] [Gamei] [GsP] EveR) and finally [Name].
Not many people on Battle.net have heard of the great professional Starcraft players such as Boxer, Nada, and Yellow. However some of the people that have believe they know more about the game than anyone. By citing pro build orders, techniques, strategies, and "-isms", they rank themselves far above the rest of the "Bnet ilk." They will attempt tricks like the Anyppi or Bamboo Terran, but with little-to-no finesse. These players are stunned and frustrated when they lose a game after they've executed a supposedly "master-level" strategy. He has delusions of grandeur. It is a fact that most USEast mass gamers claim they are old A+ but have no proof.
*Instant Friend
Similar to The Lost Puppy, this guy plagues you with /f m mass messages. You are particularly at risk if you have an easy-to-remember account name. This person may be a Stalker, a Smurf, or any combination. You constantly receive messages not directed at you - this is the kind of person that messages his entire Friends List when he needs to only message one person. He refuses to take you off his Friends List when you approach him about it.
*The Broken Heart
Alpha-NP-: I only play USEast because my internet provider was banned for no reason by Iccup.GeckoXP
"I'm only playing SC because I have a crappy computer or because I was banned from Iccup." This person often has a myriad of problems that beckons others to assuage his shortcomings. Well cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it. No one cares that you've been "forced" to enjoy the greatest RTS ever, whether your city or region in your country is IP banned from Iccup.
*The Autobiographer
Jack[RCDF: I play SC 24/7 because I will soon inherit 1 million dollars.
His life is far more interesting than any other kid’s. He has to share it with you to liven up your drab existence. He’ll tell you about how his upside-down goldfish was sick and had to be flushed, he’ll let you know which Flintstone vitamin is his favorite, and he’ll explain why he chose to play StarCraft instead of solitaire. This may actually be a valid strategy by this guy. He hopes to bore you enough so that you lose cognitive reasoning and let him win.
*The Hairdryer
This guy is very much like The Autobiographer with one major difference. His life is stupefyingly bland. So he creates a yarn of his action adventure lifestyle where he has beat up cops, has tons of girlfriends, and drives a racecar to school. Frequently he claims to work for the CIA. Another variant of this guy is that instead of telling about his fictional life, he’ll talk about his fictional StarCraft abilities in an attempt to trick or awe his opponent. “I can have 30 hydras in 2 minutes,” or “My army has 20 carriers you can’t stop it.” He may post pictures of his dates with escorts or claim to have a television show. Either way this guy does nothing but push a lot of hot air.
*The One Map Wonder
PuppyKiller: only play bloodbath?
ThisSiteSux: yes
PuppyKiller: Why 8,000 disconnects?
ThisSiteSux: YOU FUCKING CHEAT !!
Will only compete on one map for online play. Other maps are different and strange, they’re easy to get lost in or perhaps the critters look too scary. He is so at home with his favorite map that he can draw it out freehand and sends fan mail to the map creator. This guy believes that if he plays on any other map he’ll lose because he’d be at a disadvantage. At the rate he’s going, he’s probably right.
*The Ignorant Host
This guy likes to create team games. However, he neglects to use the built-in Top vs. Bottom game option. Instead he creates a melee game and informs everyone that it’s TvB. This can often lead to many guys suffering an Amnesia Case.
*The Amnesia Case
“To all: Who is my ally?” “To all: AC on” This fellow doesn’t remember who he should be fighting or who he should be talking to. Maybe it’s better to be safe and just tell his strategy to everyone. That way he’s guaranteed to reach the right person… eventually.
*The Squatter
You can only find this guy in team games. For some reason he was unable to defend his base, thus he had to run. Unfortunately, the best place to run is to his ally’s base where he will proceed to set up shop and share the mineral field. Also known as a Leech or Parasite. The stereotypical squatter floats to your base at the start of the game.
*Hide-and-Seek Master
He knows he’s lost, but he’s going to make your victory as drawn out and boring as possible. He’ll run around the map with peons and build structures in obscure places as you try to hunt down the little so and so.
*Mr. I Can Deal With Adversity
Even after losing his main this guy can quickly set up shop somewhere else on the map and continue playing without pause. Forced relocation? No problem. He takes a beating and he keeps on ticking.
*The Logician
“It seemed like the logical choice at the time.” This guy will reason that since Protoss shields get damaged first, he should logically upgrade those first.
*The Miser
“A mineral saved is a mineral earned,” my grandpappy used to say. This guy is an utter cheapskate. He won’t spend any of his hard earned resources. Little does he realize that you can’t take it with you to your next game when your opponent beats you with superior spending.
*The Worker's Union Leader
He allows his peons lots of breaks, he doesn’t split his opening peons to gather minerals, and he has plenty of idle workers and units about. His units may have better health care coverage, but what they really need is life insurance when you run him over with your superior economy and production.
*The Loiterer
We don’t know when this guy actually plays the game. Instead he likes to hang out in his favorite channel. He becomes a fixture in certain chat rooms and eventually it will seem bare without him. Often mistaken for a chat bot.
*Long John Silver
Boasts that he’s on B.net with a pirated version of StarCraft. This guy should watch out for The Vigilante.
*The Masochist
Plays the game, decides it’s not worth trying, and inflicts lots of damage by attacking himself.
*The Neat Freak
Plays StarCraft like it’s a game of Tetris. His base layout is never cluttered, his units are always in formation, and cries if his mineral patches are lopsided. If he starts commenting on how your base layout and units should be arranged, change his personality profile to The Obsessive Compulsive. Also see The Perfectionist.
*The Perfectionist
This guy want units/buildings to be in perfect condition, usually a Terran player by nature, will not tolerate imperfections, repairs everything if he can, and researches restoration immediately. Those wire frames are meant to be GREEN dang it! If for some strange reason he is unable to get something back into mint condition his universe will shatter. Also known as The Hypochondriac.
*The Entrepreneur
This guy believes he will capitalize on many opportunities soon. Thus he sets up a lot of excess supply to get ready for near future growth. This is the same guy who will get energy capacity upgrade for units that have no inherent spells before researching them.
*The Dictator
This character is found in allied games only, he tells allies what to do regardless whether it’s a good idea or not, if his side wins it’s because of his leadership, if they lose, it’s because they didn’t listen to him.
*Mr. DMZ (Demilitarized Zone)
"OMG get out of my base!” Whether it’s your opening scout or an attack, this guy wants you out of there. His territory is for his units only. You don’t belong there. Didn’t you read the sign?
*The Junkie
Ace[eMg]: brb
Ace[eMg]: 1min rolling
Terran player only, he loves his StimPack. In fact he has the bothersome habit of stimming the same unit more than once in quick succession before they can heal. It sure is easy to kill a guy when he’s stoned.
*Guy Incognito
Danny[MicrO]: chobo ssibal geeseki babo
Danny[MicrO]: bad game !^@&#$%
This guy tries to act Korean to scare other players, types commonly used phrases that sound Korean but forgets his guise when he starts losing and uses English expletives.
*The Voluntary Firing Squad Target
This is the type of player that INSISTS that you finish off every last one of his buildings. He is either too stubborn, too ignorant, or too honorable/proud to leave the game of his own accord. When he knows he is losing, he gives you the "privilege" of spending the last remaining minutes seeking out and eliminating all of his structures. If he only put that much enthusiasm into competing during the game, he might have not gotten himself into such a predicament. Also as a firing squad target, he may ask for Shared Vision, thus removing his blindfold before execution so he can stare death in the eye.
*Mr. Stealth Affinity
All players want their units to be cost-effective, right? After all, that's how the game is won. However, this guy takes it to the extreme. A special subclass of The Perfectionist, this player loves cloaked units. Typically these are Protoss players who build excessive numbers of Dark Templar or Arbiters, Terran players who amass cloaked Wraiths, or Zerg players who morph as many Lurkers as possible. They reason that cloaked units have the highest probability of becoming cost-effective, so why not build them en masse? What he does not realize is that just one detector can bring him to his knees. Sometimes this guy just likes to build cloaked units just because he thinks they are "cool," without considering any strategic elements. He may think "there's nothing scarier than seeing several blurry forms of DTs or Wraiths invading your base." In extreme cases, this guy will use mass Ghosts against his opponent just to satisfy his need for cloaked units.
*The Race Illusionist
The hand is quicker than the eye! This class of B.netter changes his race when the game countdown gets as close to zero as possible, hoping that you weren't paying attention. He's hoping to get all the benefits of Random (where you don't know his race) without the consequences of playing a race he doesn't know. If only there was a random zerg hack!
*The Dodger
This guy is similar in attitude to Mr. All That and a Bag of Chips and Mr. Bad Manner. He demands a rematch after losing a game. However, something always conveniently comes up at the scheduled time of the rematch that prevents him from playing. You sure got lucky he had to trim his azalea bushes, or you would have been dealt the thrashing of a lifetime!
*The Legislative Hypocrite
This guy feels the need to create rules for his games. Usually these rules are as simple as "no rush for 10 minutes", which means players cannot interact with each other until 10 minutes have elapsed. Players are expected to abide by these rules. However, the rulemaker himself feels that he is above the law and will usually rush very early. This is fairly predictable since it is a rule that can only be enforced by the honor system, but this guy has played many unsuspecting opponents for patsies.
*The Paranoiac
Is the enemy of my enemy really my friend? This guy asks himself that question constantly. Plagued by fears that his allies are Double Agents, he accuses everyone in the game of conspiring against him.
*Captain Obvious
Jenna_: hello GoW-Moon
GoW-Moon: hi
GoW-Moon: -.-
Jack[RCDF: d/l finish then go
This particular B.netter is severely deficient in conversational skills. He must resort to making statements that are known to all regardless of the subject's relevance to the current situation. Will often display uncanny arithmetic functions by proclaiming that only one more person is needed for a 2v2 game when 3 are present in the lobby. The battle cry of the opponents of Captain Obvious is, "No duh!"
*The Ill-Fated Negotiator
LandOwner(J): hello NyM)WaSTeDHiPPy
NyM)WaSTeDHiPPy: hello]
Jack[RCDF: can i b wit host?
Jack[RCDF: has left the game.
Negotiation is a delicate process in which two people reach an agreement, usually by sacrificing part of their personal wishes. This guy doesn't seem to grasp the full concept. It's his way or the highway!
*The Highly Suggestable Type
Menace_Man: Make 1v1/Obs
This strain of B.netter is the polar opposite of The Ill-Fated Negotiator. He'll do anything if only people would listen to his requests!
*The Monosyllabic Responder
Chikazuiteru: that makes you my friend; the enemy of my enemy is my friend!
Menace_Man: yes
"Why type a whole sentence when only one word will do?" That is the motto of this common B.net denizen. Not exactly the most talkative individual, he typically never initiates a conversation, and responds to questions or comments with simple one-syllable answers.
*The Safe Better
Jack[RCDF: hi
Jack[RCDF: nice records
Jack[RCDF: imma lose
Jack[RCDF: so... goodbye
One thing can be said about this guy - he certainly knows his limits. He'd rather cut and run than face up to a challenge. With this mentality, he is probably a successful gambler.
*The Drunken Master
"Oh man I am so drunk right now lollll!!!" This guy insists on proclaiming his drunkenness (or stonedness) to all the world. He may seem intoxicated to begin with, but he sure sobers up quickly after he loses, at which point he lets loose with excuse after excuse about how he would have won if he wasn't drunk.
