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Blogs > ninazerg
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ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
February 11 2014 10:49 GMT
#1
Hey, you have cancer.

Just kidding. See, you thought you had cancer for a second, and now everything else doesn't seem quite as bad. Now you see the entire world in the perspective of being relative to potentially having a battle with cancer of the tibia.

But if you're like many of the people in the world, your thought process was like "There goes crazy ol' Nina again with her try-hard humor failing hard", well fuck you, dumbass. Uh. Also, some people would go "Well, geez, I don't feel better at all. You just almost gave me a heart-attack and stressed me out, and I still have problems!" whereas, the above would make them go "Wow, I never thought of that before, thanxxxx!" and you know what? That's normal.

The point is, your experience isn't everyone else's experience.

This should be glaringly obvious, but you see, my friends, there are certain individuals who have taken it upon themselves to hand down glorious breadcrumbs of wisdom to their fellow men from their golden cloud of knowledge when it comes to relationships with women. I find myself face-palming occasionally, and I mean actually face-palming. So in this analysis, we're going to examine several types of relationship problems, and then I'm going to offer some advice of my own that is going to rock your world. But first, we must establish a few terms.

What is a woman?

+ Show Spoiler +

[image loading]


A woman is a rare type of pokemon that you can only capture with a master ball. Search the area around the Cerulean City and you might find a mysterious cave which you will enter... this is known as the "vagina".

What is a blog?

Blogs were invented by computer geeks keeping web-logs where they would talk about programming and stuff and web 1.0 but has turned into a clusterfuck of human thoughts plastering themselves all over some virtual reality.


Now that that's out of the way, let's look at some various problems:
  • There is a girl I like, but we've never spoken to each other and I'm not sure she knows I exist.
  • There is a girl I like, but we barely know each other and I think she has a boyfriend.
  • There is a girl I like, but she definitely has a boyfriend.
  • There is a girl I like, but she is a vocaloid.
  • There is a girl I like, but we are just friends and have been for years.
  • There is a girl I like, but we are just fuck-buddies and I'm falling in love with her even though she doesn't want anything serious.
  • There is a girl I like, but I smoke crack.



Do you see the pattern!? So you see, with all patterns, there is a natural human tendency to believe two very easy fallacies: first, that the pattern is universal, and second, that the pattern is ever-continuous. The first false pattern manifests itself by those who believe it as an axiomatic tendency to believe that if x=1, then ALL variables will equal 1. For example, you place a banana in a blender and chop it up. It works. Then you place a steak into a blender and chop it into a disgusting pink sludge. It works. So you assume that you can just chop up anything in the blender, and stick a garden shovel into your blender, and then bad things happen.

How does this apply to relationship advice? Simply put: not one size fits all. Someone else's advice might not fit your situation, and is therefore, essentially useless. Most people know this, which is why they give vague advice to encourage you. The more specific or dogmatic the advice is, the more prone to error it may be for you. I'm not saying the advice is erroneous to the person giving it, but they are not you, so what works for them may not work for you, especially when it comes to specifics. For example, if they have a charming smile, they would recommend smiling a lot, but if your smile is creepy and weird, then it might be best if you just put a bag over your head.

The second pattern that is a lie is that if something becomes a pattern, that this pattern will continue indefinitely. This is obviously wrong because if it were true, a kitten would grow into a cat, and then the cat would continue growing until it escapes the Earth's atmosphere and becomes its own celestial body. This logic is often painfully ignored by people who work in finance, because they latch onto market bubbles which often burst and lose money. This is especially painful if you have trouble with relationships, because once you have a few disappointments, it can feel like the world is against you. And perhaps the world is against you. If so, good. Then you can Courage-Wolf it, which I will explain shortly.

You may find yourself saying or hearing things like "All women only care about money", or "All bitches is hoes", or "All my ex-girlfriends say I'm the reason they turned into lesbians". So first of all, you have to do the unthinkable and bury your past experiences in the ground. A good way to do this would be to find a picture of your crushes, ex-gfs, ex-bfs, friendzone friends, and so on, and print a picture of their face onto some paper. Then take the pictures outside, and dig a little hole in the ground with a regular garden shovel. Then, set each picture on fire, and bury the ashes in the in the pit and then stomp on it. Don't let anyone see you do this, or they will think you are psychotic. If anyone sees you buying the garden shovel and they know you and say "Hey, what's the shovel for?", just look off into the distance, as if you are lost in some hateful memory of undying revenge and say in a quiet, almost-whisper voice "I have business to take care of." This act will only work if you give it meaning. A great way to give something meaning is to invest money into it. Also, remember! You're killing bad memories, not actual people.



My advice #1: Your advice sucks ass

If you see someone writing a girl blog, you may want to give some advice. But your advice probably sucks, especially if you're a big tough alpha-male who wants to educate all the wimps on the internet who get all caught up on their "feelings" like a bunch of pussies. If you find yourself typing out stuff like "Grow some balls", "You sound entitled", "No girl is gonna want a wimp for a boyfriend", "Man up", "Don't put pussy on a pedestal", or "Invest in chloroform", then I want you to take your PC and throw it onto concrete very very hard once, or several times until it breaks and can no longer function. This will effectively prevent you from accessing the internet and sharing your advice for at least a few hours, depending on how rich you are.

It's okay for guys to be nice, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, scared, nerdy, and even a little weird. These aren't anything negative, unless you view them as negative traits because you're trying to attract someone who doesn't respond well to those traits. The good news is, you don't have to pursue only one person in the world, and also, if you want to chance something about yourself, you can do it, but it will take a lot of hard work and time, so be ready to GO THROUGH HELL if you want make yourself a different person. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll change, and then they'll change as well. As long as you're changing into someone you like, then it's a good thing. If you feel like you don't like yourself, then maybe that needs to change, because you need to like the person in the mirror.

"But I can't like myself." you say.



My advice #2: COURAGE-WOLF IT

There is an incredible meme called Courage-Wolf. It is a picture of a wolf with some yellow background and white letters saying Courage-Wolfesque things. If you feel like you lack anything, then listen to some inspirational music REALLY loud, and just read no less than 100 Courage-Wolf memes. You will feel like you can lift a car afterwards. But don't try to actually do that, or you will hurt yourself.

That was a test. Actually try to lift a car. Don't listen to me or anybody else, even your probation officer. If you want to do something, do it. For it is written: "Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables,but you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

[image loading]

(If you haven't watched Pulp Fiction, do it now)


The point is you need to hashtag yoh-loh it and Courage-Wolf it. If that does not work, you may need to upgrade to Insanity Wolf, but I do not recommend this unless you are so shy that only the sheer level of psychosis of Insanity Wolf can shake you out of your stupor of timidity.



My advice #3: You know...

If you have someone who is your friend, and you got friendzoned, that blows major bananas. Well, in some cases, it does. Like, I read some guy's post where his girlfriend was sleeping in his bed and showering in his bathroom and eating his food, and wasn't putting out!? Like damn gurl, you on some kind of hustle. Don't get played. That's a bunch of poopy ass-dicks covered in semen. Just tell that bitch to gtfo. It will be messy and there will much protest, but it must be done for the good of all humanity. However, you may have a genuine friend, who doesn't take advantage of you, who just enjoys your company as a human being, but you want to fuck. Well, you know what? That's a normal human feeling, because we are invariably connected and often defined by our need to express ourselves sexually, and to be sexual beings.

Unfortunately, sex is very complexicated, so it can be a good thing, but it can also be a very bad thing. Your awesome friend - maybe you don't need to hook up with them. Perhaps that's not the answer you wanted to hear, but a lot of people just post so that other people can validate what they've already decided to do. Validation, of course, can be instrumental in making important decisions decisively, but when asking for genuine advice, you will always get the advice you tailor your inquiry for. So if you've already decided, just do what you've decided. But my advice, is really simple: if you want to date, find someone who wants to date you. If you have a friend and enjoy their friendship, but they don't want to date you, just stay friends. If you're not sure if they want to date you and are trying to send you "signals", well, there's no way I can know what to tell you because nobody in the world can read another person's specific thoughts based on vague actions, but I should say that some actions are less vague than others; a little bit of relationship advice from comrade Lenin.

+ Show Spoiler [credentials] +

im a gurlzzzz :3

<33333333

Also, I'm a rational human being.


***
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
hellokitty[hk]
Profile Joined June 2009
United States1309 Posts
February 11 2014 10:54 GMT
#2
It's time to be watching proleague!!
People are imbeciles, lucky thing god made cats.
GeckoXp
Profile Blog Joined June 2013
Germany2016 Posts
February 11 2014 10:56 GMT
#3
This was the weirdest Build Order ever. Do you recommend taking gas at 12, 11, 10 or not at all?
Jerubaal
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
United States7684 Posts
February 11 2014 11:17 GMT
#4
Just be sure to put an extractor on that geyser.
I'm not stupid, a marauder just shot my brain.
Pangpootata
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
1838 Posts
February 11 2014 11:31 GMT
#5
If all fails, 3 hatch Hydra Bust. Would not work well if scouted though.
darkscream
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada2310 Posts
February 11 2014 11:33 GMT
#6
You know I never understood the nerd's propensity to girlblog. I mean first off, assume you are that "stereotypical nerd" who has girl problems.. why would you seek people like yourself for advice? They probably have the same problems right? Queue reddit-tier confirmation about the wisdom of dealing with bitches.

There is a girl I like, but she definitely has a boyfriend. She lives with him, even.

Guess what? We were friends for over a year, I find out they're into kink. All I had to do was ask and now we're all one big happy family: Dom Boyfriend (me), Sub girlfriend/Dom wife (her), Sub hubby (him). No jealousy, no hard feelings, just one high maintenance girl who needs two men and the two men that love her in very different ways.

Where there's a will there's a way. Courage-wolf that shit. Just ask, communicate, straight up. Unfortunately it's tough when you're younger but I noticed around age .. maybe 21? .. That you could just be straightforward and honest with people about sex and relationships rather than play stupid games and try and read signals and all that malarky. I imagine TL's demographic to be roughly split between young nerds with these problems and old nerds who think they've figured everything out.

Oh, and the odd weirdo blog girl, too, I suppose.
Schelim
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Austria11528 Posts
February 11 2014 11:38 GMT
#7
i know four women named Nina and they're all beautiful. just saying.
TY <3 Cure <3 Inno <3 Special <3
Danglars
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States12133 Posts
February 11 2014 11:47 GMT
#8
This thread is missing TeamLiquid's [Guide] Sex.

You don't have to even scroll down to see it's big punch principal piece of pointer: Look -- every single one of your predecessors managed to get laid.

Otherwise, 5/5.
Great armies come from happy zealots, and happy zealots come from California!
TL+ Member
obesechicken13
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States10467 Posts
February 11 2014 11:56 GMT
#9
Pretty sure the pokemon is actually mewtwo and you can only find him in fire red/leaf green.

Also I used a Slowbro I found in the cave to resist its psychic attack and buffed up my sp def and I think I caught it with ultra balls or poke balls.

Advice is generally good. Don't give generic broad advice. Generic broad advice about courage wolfing it till you make it.
I think in our modern age technology has evolved to become more addictive. The things that don't give us pleasure aren't used as much. Work was never meant to be fun, but doing it makes us happier in the long run.
FuRong
Profile Joined April 2010
New Zealand3089 Posts
February 11 2014 11:58 GMT
#10
Every time I read a ninazerg post I think of this (in this video, Anna represents shitty/whiny TL users):



I think guys ask for advice here because they don't have anywhere else to go. A lot of guys feel expected to act like they've got everything under control in real life, especially when it comes to girls, even when they don't really know what they're doing. Or their friends are just like themselves and can't offer any better advice.

Seriously though, work on fixing yourself before you try to fix your relationships with women.
Don't hate the player, hate the game
Shock710
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
Australia6097 Posts
February 11 2014 12:00 GMT
#11
On February 11 2014 19:49 ninazerg wrote:
Hey, you have cancer.

Just kidding.

what if u were born in between june21 and july 22 than you are cancer :O
dAPhREAk gives Shock a * | [23:55] <Shock710> that was out of context -_- [16:26] <@motbob> Good question, Shock!
Yorbon
Profile Joined December 2011
Netherlands4272 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-11 12:51:16
February 11 2014 12:51 GMT
#12
Can't wait for shauni's reaction.

Good blog, enjoyed reading it :D
I am cancer
iTzSnypah
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
United States1738 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-11 13:47:18
February 11 2014 13:30 GMT
#13
On February 11 2014 19:49 ninazerg wrote:
A woman is a rare type of pokemon that you can only capture with a master ball.

If a woman can only be caught with a master ball good thing I'm playing blue version and am surfing off the coast of Cinnabar Island with my only master ball in the 7th inventory slot.
Team Liquid needs more Terrans.
Azera
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
3800 Posts
February 11 2014 13:53 GMT
#14
I girl blog to share successes. Is that bad?
Check out some great music made by TLers - http://bit.ly/QXYhdb , by intrigue. http://bit.ly/RTjpOR , by ohsea.toc.
Pandemona *
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Charlie Sheens House51480 Posts
February 11 2014 14:59 GMT
#15
Gurls be all rationalz and shit. Like stop ruining the internet
If men can't give fail relationship advice on the internet to strangers, how are things like 4chan going to even continue to exist
ModeratorTeam Liquid Football Thread Guru! - Chelsea FC ♥
intrigue
Profile Blog Joined November 2005
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
February 11 2014 15:19 GMT
#16
ninazerg's second blog of 2014 is a freewheeling carouse into the topic of the modern e-epidemic, girl blogs. as far as phenomenological examinations go this work is flawless, covering the anatomy of blogging, vaginas, and some other things, which our scholarly readers may recognize as encompassing all of human knowledge. passion and a certain fondness for her audience shines through the typical ninazergian lustre of malaise, like ketchup and mayonnaise. the chapter on the lupus animus left a smile on this cold reviewer's soul. riding on her breakout in 2013 and with the stunning credentials of being born without a Y chromosome, this young writer is certainly one to look out for. 4/5
- intrigue, TeamLiquid.net Press, 02/11/2014

ninazerg's blog posts are available on blog posting websites near you. opinions expressed in this review do not reflect the views of TeamLiquid.net or anybody else.
Moderatorhttps://soundcloud.com/castlesmusic/sets/oak
lichter
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
February 11 2014 16:08 GMT
#17
i hope someone remembers to euthanize me if i ever make a girlblog on tl
AdministratorYOU MUST HEED MY INSTRUCTIONS TAKE OFF YOUR THIIIINGS
a_flayer
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Netherlands2826 Posts
February 11 2014 16:45 GMT
#18
On February 12 2014 01:08 lichter wrote:
i hope someone remembers to euthanize me if i ever make a girlblog on tl


Noted.
When you came along so righteous with a new national hate, so convincing is the ardor of war and of men, it's harder to breathe than to believe you're a friend. The wars at home, the wars abroad, all soaked in blood and lies and fraud.
NeThZOR
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
South Africa7387 Posts
February 11 2014 19:10 GMT
#19
This is pure gold, so I'll keep keep this safe in my treasure chest.
SuperNova - 2015 | SKT1 fan for years | Dear, FlaSh, PartinG, Soulkey, Naniwa
teddyoojo
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
Germany22369 Posts
February 11 2014 19:24 GMT
#20
im still unsure whether your mentally retarded or a "rational human being"

i like ur contributions to the freestyle thread tho
Esports historian since 2000. Creator of 'The Universe' and 'The best scrambled Eggs 2013'. Host of 'Star Wars Marathon 2015'. Thinker of 'teddyoojo's Thoughts'. Earths and Moons leading CS:GO expert. Lord of the Rings.
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