EPTThis is what I’ve been telling to myself over and over for the past two months. I’ve considered suicide a lot in the past but death has a completely different meaning to me right now. While everything that happened to me lately is centered around that sentence, I will have to put more pieces together to explain what happened and where my journey is leading. I’ll try to keep it as short as I can.
I’ve always thought life was cruel on me. Even though I always lived in a nice house and had my parents ready to get me everything I wanted whenever I wanted I considered myself one of the most unhappy guys I’ve ever met. This is no news to some people that have known or followed me for some time, but I’ve been through a very blunt and debilitating depression for the most part of my life that greatly influenced every choice I made, every word I said and every thought I had. The worst part of it happened when I was in my early teens and brought with it some serious changes: I lost almost half of my body weight within 3 months and almost completely stopped speaking to anybody for two years, except for teachers when I was interrogated and I barely said anything with my parents. I felt so bad with myself that I would often feel an excruciating pain to my chest and I clearly remember crying every day in my bed for hours in intense pain, both mental and physical. I even had trouble doing stairs or lifting any kind of weight since my knees and elbows hurt too much. I was a mess and I’ve been obsessed by killing myself many times. I won’t hide that I also injured myself pretty badly in some occasions. That happened because I couldn’t bear my existence anymore and I hated myself to the point that my only brief relief to that feeling would be hurting myself as hard as I could. Of course none of this was rational, but I couldn’t seem to escape this mental state for two long years and I was on the brink of insanity. But I somehow went through this until I could finally feel some relief and I was in a situation where I decided to pick myself up and start living again.
While the cause of my depression was very situational and temporary the consequences of it were devastating. I couldn’t speak properly anymore. I had no emotional response to anything. I couldn’t even make any facial expression. I had absolutely no idea how to interact with people. My body completely forgot how to laugh and in fact I probably didn’t laugh at all for these two years. Of course this greatly influenced what came afterwards, especially after my firm decision to make a change (I was around 17 at the time).
If I have to describe myself I would say that I’m a person with very solid values. They can change with experience but I want what I believe, what I think and what I do to be perfectly coherent with each other. This is very important to me. I’ve always been very emotional and most emotions I have are either insignificant or extremely strong without any kind of middle ground. I also love to experience things and whenever I see a challenge I jump into it right away. I love the feeling of improvement, it’s the sweetest addiction. I also have an incredibly huge sex drive, which has been mostly a problem in the past. I often had periods when I masturbated on average 7-8 times every day and whenever I didn’t do it at least two or three times a day I would be horny all the time. It’s not as bad anymore but when I was 17-20 this caused me great distress because I was not attractive at all to girls due to what deep depression made me become. I also treasure the people dear to me a lot and I always felt I needed a serious relationship to make me complete. I never had one but as I grew and forcibly pushed myself away from that dark moment of my life I managed to get connected with some girls. I experienced love, and as it does with most people it always caused me great pain. But I was relentless in moving on as I had already hit the bottom once and I could tell that every bad experience made me better, stronger and more resolute.
My life unfolded as I got better and better at everything. What never changed about me however was my constant pessimism about people and the way they relate to each other in general. Sure I was looking for love and more friends but at the same time I strongly believed that human relations were perfectly explained by the hedgehog paradox (if two people get close to a certain point they end up hurting each other) and I tended to believe that nobody would ever be truly happy around others. I was still overall pretty negative about many things until something very important happened.
I met this girl some months ago in extremely weird circumstances. We saw and talked to each other for a brief time when I was in another city for a tournament and then we spoke online and on the phone for a month. She’s not into eSports and I was surprised to find out that we became really attracted to each other, especially because I didn’t really like her at first and I think it was the same for her. I’ve never felt so much love for anyone else in my life before and I believed she felt something somewhat similar. I was so sure everything would work out really well and this made me truly happy. We decided to stay together for a week at her place and we were both looking forward to this so much. But things don’t always go as expected and I would soon learn some very important life lessons.
I won’t say anything of what happened during that week. The only thing I will say is that our meeting didn’t work out at all and I ended up being in love with her even more while she didn’t really like me.
Right after meeting her I was broken. I got told by the person I loved that I’m repulsive and pathetic and many other worse things and yet after a few weeks I already felt much better. The thing that I finally realized is that it’s not possible to fill my holes and find happiness through other people (no pun intended) and their opinion and feelings towards you. It’s all inside myself. I can be happy only when I decide to be happy. I don’t have to please people around me. If they don’t like me they can go fuck themselves. What they think doesn’t change ANYTHING. I don’t need to be on an endless quest to find love somewhere. If I love myself in the first place I will naturally project this to the outside and attract people who fit in my life, and if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t matter, because I’m already happy and in love. I also found out that by thinking more about my well being I am keen to treating everyone else better and it doesn’t matter what the result of the interaction with other people is, because you either learn from bad experiences or enjoy the good ones. I’m even happy I was depressed. All my life has given me so much already and all I have to do is enjoy and appreciate every single moment of it, because they made me become what I am now. It’s so damn simple and yet I had to go through 25 years of pain, pessimism and negativity to figure this out. Perception is reality and it’s not possible to change reality without having control of our perception.
What I am becoming is still so new and mind blowing to me. I’ve been constantly happy for the past 2 months. There hasn’t been a single day when I woke up and I wasn’t looking forward to learn and experience everything I could before I went to sleep again. When I go sleep I’m looking forward to the next day trembling for excitement. I started eating healthy, reading about body language, communication and fitness, working out and meditating. I’m spending an insane amount of hours trying to figure out how to bring on the outside what I feel inside and my only goal in life is being the best possible myself I can become in every aspect. I am educating my mind to let go the negative feelings I get and I only focus on the positive ones. Whenever a part of my old self comes up and tries to stop me from being happy and changing I mentally scream to it “SHUT UP AND DIE!”. I’m litteraly killing my old self and evolving at a very fast pace. The people that have seen me recently after some time say that I’m a completely different person. I love all of this. I know what to do. I know I will be successful in whatever I decide to learn. I know it’s possible to always be happy because happiness it’s not related to anything or anyone outside myself. I’m basically filling myself from the inside and working on projecting it on the outside, while I’ve been trying to do the contrary my whole life (and this goes for most people).
This is pretty much it. I’m excited to go through my metamorphosis and I can’t wait to live more. Every day. Pretty funny considering just 8 years ago I almost killed myself thinking my life was hopeless.
And after reading all this you are still wondering about the threesome, yeah, I will eventually get it
![[image loading]](http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/3817/kruemelmonsteryn0.gif)
Sometimes it helps to just remember the gifts you have in life like a working sex drive...what I wouldn't give for one of those....
