“Shut up and die”. This is what I’ve been telling to myself over and over for the past two months. I’ve considered suicide a lot in the past but death has a completely different meaning to me right now. While everything that happened to me lately is centered around that sentence, I will have to put more pieces together to explain what happened and where my journey is leading. I’ll try to keep it as short as I can.
I’ve always thought life was cruel on me. Even though I always lived in a nice house and had my parents ready to get me everything I wanted whenever I wanted I considered myself one of the most unhappy guys I’ve ever met. This is no news to some people that have known or followed me for some time, but I’ve been through a very blunt and debilitating depression for the most part of my life that greatly influenced every choice I made, every word I said and every thought I had. The worst part of it happened when I was in my early teens and brought with it some serious changes: I lost almost half of my body weight within 3 months and almost completely stopped speaking to anybody for two years, except for teachers when I was interrogated and I barely said anything with my parents. I felt so bad with myself that I would often feel an excruciating pain to my chest and I clearly remember crying every day in my bed for hours in intense pain, both mental and physical. I even had trouble doing stairs or lifting any kind of weight since my knees and elbows hurt too much. I was a mess and I’ve been obsessed by killing myself many times. I won’t hide that I also injured myself pretty badly in some occasions. That happened because I couldn’t bear my existence anymore and I hated myself to the point that my only brief relief to that feeling would be hurting myself as hard as I could. Of course none of this was rational, but I couldn’t seem to escape this mental state for two long years and I was on the brink of insanity. But I somehow went through this until I could finally feel some relief and I was in a situation where I decided to pick myself up and start living again.
While the cause of my depression was very situational and temporary the consequences of it were devastating. I couldn’t speak properly anymore. I had no emotional response to anything. I couldn’t even make any facial expression. I had absolutely no idea how to interact with people. My body completely forgot how to laugh and in fact I probably didn’t laugh at all for these two years. Of course this greatly influenced what came afterwards, especially after my firm decision to make a change (I was around 17 at the time).
If I have to describe myself I would say that I’m a person with very solid values. They can change with experience but I want what I believe, what I think and what I do to be perfectly coherent with each other. This is very important to me. I’ve always been very emotional and most emotions I have are either insignificant or extremely strong without any kind of middle ground. I also love to experience things and whenever I see a challenge I jump into it right away. I love the feeling of improvement, it’s the sweetest addiction. I also have an incredibly huge sex drive, which has been mostly a problem in the past. I often had periods when I masturbated on average 7-8 times every day and whenever I didn’t do it at least two or three times a day I would be horny all the time. It’s not as bad anymore but when I was 17-20 this caused me great distress because I was not attractive at all to girls due to what deep depression made me become. I also treasure the people dear to me a lot and I always felt I needed a serious relationship to make me complete. I never had one but as I grew and forcibly pushed myself away from that dark moment of my life I managed to get connected with some girls. I experienced love, and as it does with most people it always caused me great pain. But I was relentless in moving on as I had already hit the bottom once and I could tell that every bad experience made me better, stronger and more resolute.
My life unfolded as I got better and better at everything. What never changed about me however was my constant pessimism about people and the way they relate to each other in general. Sure I was looking for love and more friends but at the same time I strongly believed that human relations were perfectly explained by the hedgehog paradox (if two people get close to a certain point they end up hurting each other) and I tended to believe that nobody would ever be truly happy around others. I was still overall pretty negative about many things until something very important happened.
I met this girl some months ago in extremely weird circumstances. We saw and talked to each other for a brief time when I was in another city for a tournament and then we spoke online and on the phone for a month. She’s not into eSports and I was surprised to find out that we became really attracted to each other, especially because I didn’t really like her at first and I think it was the same for her. I’ve never felt so much love for anyone else in my life before and I believed she felt something somewhat similar. I was so sure everything would work out really well and this made me truly happy. We decided to stay together for a week at her place and we were both looking forward to this so much. But things don’t always go as expected and I would soon learn some very important life lessons.
I won’t say anything of what happened during that week. The only thing I will say is that our meeting didn’t work out at all and I ended up being in love with her even more while she didn’t really like me.
Right after meeting her I was broken. I got told by the person I loved that I’m repulsive and pathetic and many other worse things and yet after a few weeks I already felt much better. The thing that I finally realized is that it’s not possible to fill my holes and find happiness through other people (no pun intended) and their opinion and feelings towards you. It’s all inside myself. I can be happy only when I decide to be happy. I don’t have to please people around me. If they don’t like me they can go fuck themselves. What they think doesn’t change ANYTHING. I don’t need to be on an endless quest to find love somewhere. If I love myself in the first place I will naturally project this to the outside and attract people who fit in my life, and if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t matter, because I’m already happy and in love. I also found out that by thinking more about my well being I am keen to treating everyone else better and it doesn’t matter what the result of the interaction with other people is, because you either learn from bad experiences or enjoy the good ones. I’m even happy I was depressed. All my life has given me so much already and all I have to do is enjoy and appreciate every single moment of it, because they made me become what I am now. It’s so damn simple and yet I had to go through 25 years of pain, pessimism and negativity to figure this out. Perception is reality and it’s not possible to change reality without having control of our perception.
What I am becoming is still so new and mind blowing to me. I’ve been constantly happy for the past 2 months. There hasn’t been a single day when I woke up and I wasn’t looking forward to learn and experience everything I could before I went to sleep again. When I go sleep I’m looking forward to the next day trembling for excitement. I started eating healthy, reading about body language, communication and fitness, working out and meditating. I’m spending an insane amount of hours trying to figure out how to bring on the outside what I feel inside and my only goal in life is being the best possible myself I can become in every aspect. I am educating my mind to let go the negative feelings I get and I only focus on the positive ones. Whenever a part of my old self comes up and tries to stop me from being happy and changing I mentally scream to it “SHUT UP AND DIE!”. I’m litteraly killing my old self and evolving at a very fast pace. The people that have seen me recently after some time say that I’m a completely different person. I love all of this. I know what to do. I know I will be successful in whatever I decide to learn. I know it’s possible to always be happy because happiness it’s not related to anything or anyone outside myself. I’m basically filling myself from the inside and working on projecting it on the outside, while I’ve been trying to do the contrary my whole life (and this goes for most people).
This is pretty much it. I’m excited to go through my metamorphosis and I can’t wait to live more. Every day. Pretty funny considering just 8 years ago I almost killed myself thinking my life was hopeless.
And after reading all this you are still wondering about the threesome, yeah, I will eventually get it
Misleading title but interesting read to say the least. I'm happy things are turning out ok for you. Thanks for sharing, it must have been pretty hard to open yourself like that ! (first blog I read from you so I might be wrong). What helped me the most during a bad time was trying to feel my body and not so much using my intellect, if that makes sense. body and mind work together, you can improve your mind state and your body will follow or the other way around.
Props to you for defeating your depression Sometimes it helps to just remember the gifts you have in life like a working sex drive...what I wouldn't give for one of those....
Perfect ending to the blog. So happy to see that see the light of day again. So cloud, wanna tell the audience where that started its famed and tragically short career as a tl meme?
Awesome read man. Having known you for a few years now I can say I am truly excited to see Where you take this! You're an awesome guy man.. If not for any other reason than that you seek self improvement! Good luck mate <3
On December 13 2012 13:08 iNcontroL wrote: Awesome read man. Having known you for a few years now I can say I am truly excited to see Where you take this! You're an awesome guy man.. If not for any other reason than that you seek self improvement! Good luck mate <3
This brought a sincere smile to my face. It seems we both are going through an important period of our life. I wish yours can bring you at least as much happiness as mine is giving me.
Metamophosis? Evolving? Silly me, thinking you were a Terran player.
Jokes aside, inspiring read. As long as you feel that burning passion each morning you wake up, and your head is overdriving with thoughts as you go to bed, everything is gonna be fine.
Reading your story is so strikingly similar to my own. Well, especially the beginning about "Shut up & die" kind of feel. Depression can be truly devastating to one's self, I've been experiencing that first person for quite a while. However, continuing to read on your story, you seemed to get over it, reaching happiness with yourself and your life. I'm really happy for you, even though I don't really know you; because if you have the will to overcome that awful hell called depression; then you truly managed to pull an awesome victory, right there. Will keep your little story in mind, maybe it'll help me overcome my own depressions, negativity & pessimism plaguing my life.
"The thing that I finally realized is that it’s not possible to fill my holes and find happiness through other people and their opinion and feelings towards you. It’s all inside myself."
This really is key. You need to learn how to be happy by yourself, this is not something someone else can do for you. And luckily, once you are there you will become more attractive and likeable to everyone as a nice side effect.
Carlo. I'm super glad that you're feeling better overall. I've liked you since I got to know you. Your darkness was always noticable for me, but I always thought you were a cool mofo. I don't know if you've been in the 'recovery process' last year already, but it's obvious that you will have a good time with your current mindset.
And I also have to reiterate your own and zatic's point: Love yourself. That's all. It's not that hard, hehe.
glad that u made your recovery and I wish u all the best! Keep it up and dont listen to haters! The most important factor is happiness and you should be able to live your life without fear or depression! Good luck!
Wow, that almost brought some tears into my eyes. I'm glad u made it through this pain and u enjoy life now
After having experienced depression and social anxiety for all of my life (im better now), im really happy to read that ur a happy panda, even though i dont share opinions with u in some regards (hi @twitter).
This blog isnt related to starcraft, but i'm very sure that ur play will improve a lot better now, simply because u view life differently. And if not, who cares, life's still good
It's important to know there will be a day where you won't be so happy. Hell, you may even feel a bit depressed. However, everyone has good days and bad days. Don't let one bad day snow ball into a bad week. Depression is a negative thinking habit, and it's likely that something will trigger you in life to make you somewhat feel the way you used to. You need to expect this at some point, accept that fact, but also accept you will overcome it - like you have in the last two months.
I have dealt with depression and anxiety myself, and it's important to acknowledge that these moments will come and go - however you get better and better with dealing with it each time.
Wow, I'm shocked. I've never thought about something like this. I'm very impressed, but also totally happy that you get over your try to commit suicide and stuff. Yeah, I dunno what to say. Hope everything gets better for you!
P.S. I think It's totally brave that you write your real story!
Awesome read for everyone, especially for the people who has/is going through depression. Happy to hear, that somebody else has been there too.. Also very Zen.
Ugh, I dont wanna be the naysayer here, but its highly unlikely you just "figure it out" yourself after a year long chronic depression. This sounds a lot like a manic phase to me. As long as you havent identified and dealt with the roots of your depression it most likely will come back, stronger than ever. From what you wrote its clear you have a severely disordered self esteem, possibly coupled with social phobia. I strongly suggest seeking professional help, which means a stationary psychoanalytic / cognitive-behavioral therapy in a clinic for a cpl weeks/months followed by ambulant therapy. Depressions dont just cure themselves, self esteems dont just become healthy because one realizes "Hey I just got to love myself!". Much more likely for your depression to have evolved into a manic depression. Its sad to see all the psychological amateurs go "Hey, your cured, good for you!" - your really not helping.
On December 20 2012 23:08 diehilde wrote: Ugh, I dont wanna be the naysayer here, but its highly unlikely you just "figure it out" yourself after a year long chronic depression. This sounds a lot like a manic phase to me. As long as you havent identified and dealt with the roots of your depression it most likely will come back, stronger than ever. From what you wrote its clear you have a severely disordered self esteem, possibly coupled with social phobia. I strongly suggest seeking professional help, which means a stationary psychoanalytic / cognitive-behavioral therapy in a clinic for a cpl weeks/months followed by ambulant therapy. Depressions dont just cure themselves, self esteems dont just become healthy because one realizes "Hey I just got to love myself!". Much more likely for your depression to have evolved into a manic depression. Its sad to see all the psychological amateurs go "Hey, your cured, good for you!" - your really not helping.
im sure you were trying to help but man you just sound like a douche "Depressions dont just cure themselves" Of course theres depressions that remit without treatment, probably a bigger number than there's statistics of for the obvious reason that he data is harder to grasp for people that dont go under treatment. if you are working in a medical field i'd suggest to let go of this kind of black and white thinking. Psychosocial factors for example can play a role in the origin of depression, if they improve its perfectly reasonable to get healthy again.
Social phobia?? ya because its super typical for someone with social phobia to come together with a group of people and show yourself in front of a camera with thousands of people watching, super typical
If only medicine was so easy you could do all diagnosis from a small amount of text From the bit he's written you couldnt even tell if he has had chronic depression or several episodes etc (actually this part " the cause of my depression was very situational and temporary" makes chronic depression unlikely) from the bit he's written you couldnt count out a manic phase but you certainly couldnt diagnose it either I'm no professional yet but from the experience i've had with manic patients they usually use their increased drive to have fun and do unhealthy things, with him it's the opposite, working out and eating healthy rather than getting drunk, eating a lot and spending tons of money Look up ICD10 critera for a manic phase and then tell me that they are all fulfilled from the text he's written and you might see why your little rant is a bit ridiculous. I find this simple way of thinking actually very similar to people who go "If youre depressed you just gotta stop being a pussy and realize that things arent so bad"
On December 20 2012 23:08 diehilde wrote: Ugh, I dont wanna be the naysayer here, but its highly unlikely you just "figure it out" yourself after a year long chronic depression. This sounds a lot like a manic phase to me. As long as you havent identified and dealt with the roots of your depression it most likely will come back, stronger than ever. From what you wrote its clear you have a severely disordered self esteem, possibly coupled with social phobia. I strongly suggest seeking professional help, which means a stationary psychoanalytic / cognitive-behavioral therapy in a clinic for a cpl weeks/months followed by ambulant therapy. Depressions dont just cure themselves, self esteems dont just become healthy because one realizes "Hey I just got to love myself!". Much more likely for your depression to have evolved into a manic depression. Its sad to see all the psychological amateurs go "Hey, your cured, good for you!" - your really not helping.
This sounds more like a random angry post. I didnt say anything about my depression and you are pretty much assuming a lot of stuff without any kind of information. I havent been depressed for some years already and what I am figuring out are ways to erase the negative consequences it had on me rather than a shortcut to get out. I also have an hard time taking anything you say seriously considering everytime you talk about me you seem really angry.
On December 20 2012 23:08 diehilde wrote: Ugh, I dont wanna be the naysayer here, but its highly unlikely you just "figure it out" yourself after a year long chronic depression. This sounds a lot like a manic phase to me. As long as you havent identified and dealt with the roots of your depression it most likely will come back, stronger than ever. From what you wrote its clear you have a severely disordered self esteem, possibly coupled with social phobia. I strongly suggest seeking professional help, which means a stationary psychoanalytic / cognitive-behavioral therapy in a clinic for a cpl weeks/months followed by ambulant therapy. Depressions dont just cure themselves, self esteems dont just become healthy because one realizes "Hey I just got to love myself!". Much more likely for your depression to have evolved into a manic depression. Its sad to see all the psychological amateurs go "Hey, your cured, good for you!" - your really not helping.
im sure you were trying to help but man you just sound like a douche "Depressions dont just cure themselves" Of course theres depressions that remit without treatment, probably a bigger number than there's statistics of for the obvious reason that he data is harder to grasp for people that dont go under treatment. if you are working in a medical field i'd suggest to let go of this kind of black and white thinking. Psychosocial factors for example can play a role in the origin of depression, if they improve its perfectly reasonable to get healthy again.
Social phobia?? ya because its super typical for someone with social phobia to come together with a group of people and show yourself in front of a camera with thousands of people watching, super typical
If only medicine was so easy you could do all diagnosis from a small amount of text From the bit he's written you couldnt even tell if he has had chronic depression or several episodes etc (actually this part " the cause of my depression was very situational and temporary" makes chronic depression unlikely) from the bit he's written you couldnt count out a manic phase but you certainly couldnt diagnose it either I'm no professional yet but from the experience i've had with manic patients they usually use their increased drive to have fun and do unhealthy things, with him it's the opposite, working out and eating healthy rather than getting drunk, eating a lot and spending tons of money Look up ICD10 critera for a manic phase and then tell me that they are all fulfilled from the text he's written and you might see why your little rant is a bit ridiculous. I find this simple way of thinking actually very similar to people who go "If youre depressed you just gotta stop being a pussy and realize that things arent so bad"
I find it Ironic that you can use these two sentences in the same text ^^ Also I wasnt doing a diagnosis, I was just giving a different perspective. Obviously I misunderstood the text or it was misunderstandable or whatever because what I got from it was definitely not that his last depression was years ago and he was happy and content ever since. I was getting the impression from the text that it was about a very recent realization that changed his happiness in life, indicating unhappiness or even depression before.
Thanks for telling me the obvious that you cant do a medical diagnosis on a blog post. Obviously you can do a personality diagnosis just fine though, because you have labeled me as someone thinking in "Black and White" and "simple ways" just from my post. Yeah I know depressions can cure themselves, as can all kinds of diseases. Does that mean its clever to go around and tell potentially ill people it can cure itself or rather advise treatment? Stop telling other people what they can and can not do with a text while going ahead and drawing all kinds of conclusions from texts yourself. Thats what we do with text, we interpret things and my conclusions differed from yours. Labeling people because of different interpretations of text is the only thing that indicates thinking in "Black and White" and "simple ways" in my book.
Technically, if he never had a threesome, he can still talk about the best threesome in his life. And there's nothing to say about it. Nasty empty set.
On December 20 2012 23:08 diehilde wrote: Ugh, I dont wanna be the naysayer here, but its highly unlikely you just "figure it out" yourself after a year long chronic depression. This sounds a lot like a manic phase to me. As long as you havent identified and dealt with the roots of your depression it most likely will come back, stronger than ever. From what you wrote its clear you have a severely disordered self esteem, possibly coupled with social phobia. I strongly suggest seeking professional help, which means a stationary psychoanalytic / cognitive-behavioral therapy in a clinic for a cpl weeks/months followed by ambulant therapy. Depressions dont just cure themselves, self esteems dont just become healthy because one realizes "Hey I just got to love myself!". Much more likely for your depression to have evolved into a manic depression. Its sad to see all the psychological amateurs go "Hey, your cured, good for you!" - your really not helping.
im sure you were trying to help but man you just sound like a douche "Depressions dont just cure themselves" Of course theres depressions that remit without treatment, probably a bigger number than there's statistics of for the obvious reason that he data is harder to grasp for people that dont go under treatment. if you are working in a medical field i'd suggest to let go of this kind of black and white thinking. Psychosocial factors for example can play a role in the origin of depression, if they improve its perfectly reasonable to get healthy again.
Social phobia?? ya because its super typical for someone with social phobia to come together with a group of people and show yourself in front of a camera with thousands of people watching, super typical
If only medicine was so easy you could do all diagnosis from a small amount of text From the bit he's written you couldnt even tell if he has had chronic depression or several episodes etc (actually this part " the cause of my depression was very situational and temporary" makes chronic depression unlikely) from the bit he's written you couldnt count out a manic phase but you certainly couldnt diagnose it either I'm no professional yet but from the experience i've had with manic patients they usually use their increased drive to have fun and do unhealthy things, with him it's the opposite, working out and eating healthy rather than getting drunk, eating a lot and spending tons of money Look up ICD10 critera for a manic phase and then tell me that they are all fulfilled from the text he's written and you might see why your little rant is a bit ridiculous. I find this simple way of thinking actually very similar to people who go "If youre depressed you just gotta stop being a pussy and realize that things arent so bad"
I find it Ironic that you can use these two sentences in the same text ^^ Also I wasnt doing a diagnosis, I was just giving a different perspective. Obviously I misunderstood the text or it was misunderstandable or whatever because what I got from it was definitely not that his last depression was years ago and he was happy and content ever since. I was getting the impression from the text that it was about a very recent realization that changed his happiness in life, indicating unhappiness or even depression before.
Thanks for telling me the obvious that you cant do a medical diagnosis on a blog post. Obviously you can do a personality diagnosis just fine though, because you have labeled me as someone thinking in "Black and White" and "simple ways" just from my post. Yeah I know depressions can cure themselves, as can all kinds of diseases. Does that mean its clever to go around and tell potentially ill people it can cure itself or rather advise treatment? Stop telling other people what they can and can not do with a text while going ahead and drawing all kinds of conclusions from texts yourself. Thats what we do with text, we interpret things and my conclusions differed from yours. Labeling people because of different interpretations of text is the only thing that indicates thinking in "Black and White" and "simple ways" in my book.
There's literally nothing ironic about that. In both sentences I'm trying to convey the point that it's ridiculous to try to draw such massive conclusions from this text. Looking at ICD-10 criteria might help realize how much more there is to making a diagnosis. It's not just "oh youre happy now and working out, after having been depressed prior to this. Bipolar disorder is way more likely than you being healthy"
So you know that depressions can cure themselves... then try not to post sentences like "Depressions dont just cure themselves" You're not just giving a different perspective, you're saying that theres a much more likely diagnosis (of him having manic depression) than being healthy, youre telling him to stop what he's doing (which he claims really helps him) and go into stationary therapy, while at the same time judging every single person in this thread that is being positive. Take maybe only the very first two sentences of your original post, and I can take that as giving a different point of view, everything else in it is just being pretentious and arrogant. Besides, how is telling him he probably has a very specific disease not doing diagnosis? + Show Spoiler +
from wiki: "Medical diagnosis [...] refers [...] to the process of attempting to determine or identify a possible disease or disorder [...]"
Youve shown some rather black and white thinking with the very words youve written, stating things like "its clear you have a severely disordered self esteem", "Depressions dont just cure themselves", saying that the others are not helping - this "either, or" mentality is what I mean when I use these words. And I say "this black and white thinking" and "this simple way of thinking" I am however not doing "personality diagnosis". I'm not saying you are always thinking like that, im not saying you are always simple minded and stupid, I am not saying you have a personality disorder, or a different psychiatric disease cause that would be arrogant as hell, I am merely referring to what you were saying here without doing crazy assumptions.
Of course we draw conclusions from texts, and we always only have limited knowledge about the subject you read about, the question is if your conclusions are logically deriven from the text or if youre just going nuts with a fantasy-filled tirade of predetermined opinions.
Lastly I would like to ask what makes you a professional on psychology (I dont know if you are but calling out others as "psychological amateurs" makes it sound like you are a professional) I'm just curious.
You should try to take Vitamin D. It helps alot. If you buy some fizzies at the supermarket, you should not take more than a 1/4 or a 1/2 fizzie a day. You can buy it @ Lidl or Aldi. Studies have shown, that Vitamin D hypovitaminosis is association with neurological diseases often seen in competitive sportsmans. If you need more information contact me via pm.
I also can advice everyone with wrist problems to take this amount of vitamin D per day. But never take more than 400 I.E. per day.
EPT![[image loading]](http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/3817/kruemelmonsteryn0.gif)
Sometimes it helps to just remember the gifts you have in life like a working sex drive...what I wouldn't give for one of those....
