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Part 1: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=271453
Part 2: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=271998
Interlude: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=272765
Part 3: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=281817
Part 4: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=283221
Sunlight somehow managed to break through the old bath towels I had erected as makeshift curtains and rudely wrested me from my snoring, asthmatic slumber. Another day. I lay on my back, eyes closed tightly, refusing to acknowledge daytime’s intrusion. A long, involuntary yawn escaped me and caused my additional chins, each hidden behind several weeks’ worth of patchy growth, to wobble and brush against the region that had, at one point in time, approximated a neck. Underneath my Naruto bed sheets, my hand found its way into my boxers and gave my morning wood a cursory examination. Playtime was cut short, however, when from down the hall came my mother’s shrill voice, “Are you awake, honey?” Agitated, I gave an indiscernible grunt of recognition. “What?” she asked, as if my answer could possibly be noteworthy.
“No!” I bellowed, despite the obvious falsehood that implied.
“OK, dear.”
“Gah,” I muttered to myself, any interest in my now shrinking manhood thoroughly dissolved. I finally forced open my heavy eyelids and immediately regretted the decision. It seemed that the thumbtacks holding the towels over the window had faltered during the night, exposing me to the deadly radiation of our nearest star. I told mom to buy duct tape. God, she always forgets when I tell her things. After a few moments of squinting, my eyes adjusted themselves to the foreign and unwelcome sensation of direct UV rays.
I peered down the length of my bulky body and brushed what appeared to be a few stray crumbs from the tangle of man boob and chest hair that makes up my torso. Wishing to be anywhere else but awake in bed at this ungodly hour, I sighed. I found my hug pillow and squeezed it tight.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/l4gTN.jpg) Oh Sakura, you'll always be my waifu.
After a moment of caressing, I sat up, swiveled my massive legs over the side of the bed and planted two pudgy pinkish feet on the floor with a thump. I didn’t feel much like clothing myself that day, so I decided to skip directly to the internet. On the way to my computer desk I managed to knock over the pyramid of empty Mountain Dew cans I had erected in lieu of throwing them in the garbage. I kicked them over to a pile of dirty laundry in the corner of the room for mom to deal with later.
My dilapidated office chair gave a distressed creak as it adjusted to my weight. I rolled it closer to my desk and switched on the monitor. The clock on the taskbar informed me that it was 3:42 PM. To clear space for my keyboard and mouse, I knocked some more soda cans to the floor. Luckily, I caught the one which still had some liquid in it from the previous evening before spilling it everywhere. I gulped down the rest of its flat, but still sugary contents to correct my mistake. Close enough. I had to pee, but instead of walking down the hall to the bathroom, I decided to spend an hour looking at pictures of cats. Finally, the urge to urinate became too great and I decided to use the opportunity to leave my desk and take care of my daily maintenance.
I lumbered my half-naked body to the bathroom and relieved myself. I decided not to shower—I had done so only just one week prior—but I did take a moment to examine myself in the mirror. I noticed only a few spots of acne today. My neckbeard was of adequate length and not yet long enough to be itchy. My long hair was greasy, but that suited me fine, as it kept the strands out of my face. I slicked it back into a sort of natural pony-tail. Looking good. Satisfied, but realizing now that I was hungry, too, I made the trip downstairs and into the kitchen.
We were out of ramen, so I looked in the freezer for something else. I found a new package of Hot Pockets and thank fucking God they weren’t the Ham and Cheese type—I keep telling mom not to buy those, but she never listens—they’re disgusting. I don’t care how low in fat they are; they barely qualify as edible. How do these things even pass FDA inspection? I’m pretty sure wood pulp is fat free, too, but I don’t see squeeze bottles of it lining the frozen foods aisle. Seriously, who eats this shit?
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/d7SNQ.jpg) Hot Pocket noobs, that’s who.
I chose a pair of the vastly superior calzone-flavored Hot Pockets and assembled their little foil sleeves before popping them into the microwave. After a few minutes of rotating, they were sufficiently heated and my combination breakfast/lunch/dinner for the day was complete. For a beverage, I grabbed a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew from the refrigerator. A paper towel served dual purposes as both a plate and a napkin and I tentatively nibbled on one of my piping hot treats on the way back to my room.
After finishing my meal and perusing some more cutely-subtitled feline photographs, it was time to get to work. I loaded up Starcraft 2, logged in, and checked my profile. 910 random wins. I had almost reached my goal! Flabby cheeks spread in a wide smile as I clicked the find match button. Quickly, I was matched against the first scrub available. I sent my workers to his base and he, being a complete nubcake, died, called me a homo, and ragequit. I told him I hope he stops playing forever and laughed heartily. That shit never gets old.
The day was off to a great start. I took a few screenshots so I could impress my internet friends with them later; that kid was really mad. The next guy I rushed proved to be slightly less of a retard, and he managed to defend my attack. I left the game like usual, but he decided to send me a message after the game calling me a noob. In response, I typed out a few sentences curtly explaining why he should kill himself and in what manner. What an idiot.
This went on for several more hours, interrupted only by a few bathroom breaks. I slowly came nearer and nearer to my goal. Finally, I was one game away. Just a single game. This one will probably take forever, I noted to myself. Nothing good ever happens to me. I got into a game against a Terran opponent on Shakuras Plateau, and the noob lifted off to the spot behind the destructible rocks. I told him that he was a fucking dipshit and should just leave, but of course the moron didn’t listen. God, these bronzies, man. Some days it’s just too much. Being Protoss, I teched up to warp gates and warped a few zealots into his shitty little base. Naturally, he lifted again. He seemed to think that the middle of the map would somehow serve as a good hiding spot, though, so I built a bunch of stalkers and killed his dumb ass. Victory at last!
Over the score screen it showed up. All I had worked for. Now people could finally see how awesome I was. They could see it in the form of the motherfucking pandas on my buildings.
![[image loading]](http://images.wikia.com/starcraft/images/7/7f/HybridDestroyer_SC2_Head2.jpg) Whatever the hell this is supposed to be is kind of cool, too.
Months of work grinding games had finally paid off. Basking in my success, I took some time to think about all the games I had played up to this point, and how many I had left to go. Hah, stupid bronze leaguers, I thought to myself. Couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. I’m so beastly.
Pleased with my progress, I decided to browse my hidden hentai folder (I put it in c:/games—it’s not like mom would ever find it anyway) and rub one out before I went to bed. I would write my awesome blog about how great I am the next day.
Part 6: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=304674
  
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your Country52798 Posts
Please win 1000 games before being awesome :p
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+ Show Spoiler +Disclaimer: This was prewritten for my 1000th win. However, for a ambitious young Khajiit warrior, the land of Skyrim has many wrongs to right, many dragons to slay and, perhaps most importantly, many treasures to acquire. So, I haven’t actually gotten around to grinding out the last couple hundred wins. My test audience of one drunken college student seemed to think this was funny, though, so I thought I’d post it now instead of leaving it on my desktop while I spend time fighting for the freedom of the Nord people.
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On November 18 2011 03:44 Gheed wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Disclaimer: This was prewritten for my 1000th win. However, for a ambitious young Khajiit warrior, the land of Skyrim has many wrongs to right, many dragons to slay and, perhaps most importantly, many treasures to acquire. So, I haven’t actually gotten around to grinding out the last couple hundred wins. My test audience of one drunken college student seemed to think this was funny, though, so I thought I’d post it now instead of leaving it on my desktop while I spend time fighting for the freedom of the Nord people.
Wait, you mean... it wasn't a true story?!?
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YES, the new Gheedblog is out! Can't wait to read it!
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On November 18 2011 03:44 Gheed wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Disclaimer: This was prewritten for my 1000th win. However, for a ambitious young Khajiit warrior, the land of Skyrim has many wrongs to right, many dragons to slay and, perhaps most importantly, many treasures to acquire. So, I haven’t actually gotten around to grinding out the last couple hundred wins. My test audience of one drunken college student seemed to think this was funny, though, so I thought I’d post it now instead of leaving it on my desktop while I spend time fighting for the freedom of the Nord people.
Why post this if you're several HUNDRED games short? It was a funny read and all (actually, pretty brilliant the way you use self-deprecation after four blogs of insulting everyone else), but if it hasn't actually occurred it dampens the impact.
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On November 18 2011 04:12 jeeeeohn wrote:Show nested quote +On November 18 2011 03:44 Gheed wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Disclaimer: This was prewritten for my 1000th win. However, for a ambitious young Khajiit warrior, the land of Skyrim has many wrongs to right, many dragons to slay and, perhaps most importantly, many treasures to acquire. So, I haven’t actually gotten around to grinding out the last couple hundred wins. My test audience of one drunken college student seemed to think this was funny, though, so I thought I’d post it now instead of leaving it on my desktop while I spend time fighting for the freedom of the Nord people. Why post this if you're several HUNDRED games short? It was a funny read and all (actually, pretty brilliant the way you use self-deprecation after four blogs of insulting everyone else), but if it hasn't actually occurred it dampens the impact.
200 wins at 5 minutes a win is 17 hours. Those 17 hours are better spent playing Skyrim than worker rushing. I'm just telling the truth so someone doesn't look up my profile and call me out. Plus, now that this is posted I have to cause to write something new.
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Now im disappointed...first blog where I'm not giving you a good score, sorry.
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Blazinghand
United States25563 Posts
On November 18 2011 04:20 Gheed wrote:Show nested quote +On November 18 2011 04:12 jeeeeohn wrote:On November 18 2011 03:44 Gheed wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Disclaimer: This was prewritten for my 1000th win. However, for a ambitious young Khajiit warrior, the land of Skyrim has many wrongs to right, many dragons to slay and, perhaps most importantly, many treasures to acquire. So, I haven’t actually gotten around to grinding out the last couple hundred wins. My test audience of one drunken college student seemed to think this was funny, though, so I thought I’d post it now instead of leaving it on my desktop while I spend time fighting for the freedom of the Nord people. Why post this if you're several HUNDRED games short? It was a funny read and all (actually, pretty brilliant the way you use self-deprecation after four blogs of insulting everyone else), but if it hasn't actually occurred it dampens the impact. 200 wins at 5 minutes a win is 17 hours. Those 17 hours are better spent playing Skyrim than worker rushing. I'm just telling the truth so someone doesn't look up my profile and call me out. Plus, now that this is posted I have to cause to write something new.
I think Gheed makes a valid point here. It's also worth noting that the first 800 games of worker rushing probably were not time well spent, and you didn't let that slow you down... don't give up! you can make it! :D
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Eh, I'm not sure what to think. This was excellently written, and the self-deprication is funny, but the part where you flame bronzies horribly? Not so sure. I know that's kind of been a running theme in the blogs, but it contrasted badly with the self-deprication, or more accurately, it became so self-depricating to the point where it's almost as if you're trying to make yourself look like a fat no-lifer who flames bronzies all day.
Nevertheless it was a great read, albeit the effect was hampered by the fact that it was prewritten.
+ Show Spoiler +I think I should work for IGN. Surely I can parallel some of their writers' abilities to mindlessly babble on about nonsense and give a score at the end?
edit: Ugh, they don't have hot-pockets here, but just looking at the packets for that ham and cheese thing... goddamn. There's ham and cheese, and then there's ham and cheese.
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This is not funny. Your previous blogs were witty, charming, and sometimes even laugh-out-loud funny. This didn't meet any previous standards your previous blogs set. I really didn't like this blog at all. I loved your other stuff, but not this.
I sort of see where you were going with this, but it didn't work at all. You didn't come off as sarcastic, you came off as offensively personal-- like I get that this isn't actually your life, but I didn't care to imagine even for a second that it might possibly have been your life. I don't want to read stuff like this. It's grody.
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lol Gheed, I'll be looking forward to the next installment but I think you should have just called this an interlude =p
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Whatever I laughed at the self depreciation. And for a few seconds I accused you of having a conscience. Only a few seconds though.
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On November 18 2011 03:44 Gheed wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Disclaimer: This was prewritten for my 1000th win. However, for a ambitious young Khajiit warrior, the land of Skyrim has many wrongs to right, many dragons to slay and, perhaps most importantly, many treasures to acquire. So, I haven’t actually gotten around to grinding out the last couple hundred wins. My test audience of one drunken college student seemed to think this was funny, though, so I thought I’d post it now instead of leaving it on my desktop while I spend time fighting for the freedom of the Nord people.
Now, I'm confused >.>
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On November 18 2011 05:26 mbr2321 wrote:
This is not funny. Your previous blogs were witty, charming, and sometimes even laugh-out-loud funny. This didn't meet any previous standards your previous blogs set. I really didn't like this blog at all. I loved your other stuff, but not this.
I sort of see where you were going with this, but it didn't work at all. You didn't come off as sarcastic, you came off as offensively personal-- like I get that this isn't actually your life, but I didn't care to imagine even for a second that it might possibly have been your life. I don't want to read stuff like this. It's grody.
Of course you didn't, because it was never intended to be that way. It's pretty obvious he was showing the character most of the people on his other blogs (the ones flaming him) were portraying him as, the low-life worker rushing nerd/whatever as a joke.
It's a completely believable character though.
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On November 18 2011 06:20 Skwid1g wrote:Show nested quote +On November 18 2011 05:26 mbr2321 wrote:
This is not funny. Your previous blogs were witty, charming, and sometimes even laugh-out-loud funny. This didn't meet any previous standards your previous blogs set. I really didn't like this blog at all. I loved your other stuff, but not this.
I sort of see where you were going with this, but it didn't work at all. You didn't come off as sarcastic, you came off as offensively personal-- like I get that this isn't actually your life, but I didn't care to imagine even for a second that it might possibly have been your life. I don't want to read stuff like this. It's grody. Of course you didn't, because it was never intended to be that way. It's pretty obvious he was showing the character most of the people on his other blogs (the ones flaming him) were portraying him as, the low-life worker rushing nerd/whatever as a joke. It's a completely believable character though.
Like some shows, there's a point where the story/plotline stagnates and becomes canceled. I was hoping to read an ethnography like the previous posts. But damn the subtlety and the writing is great, just hoped there was more.
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This was really great. Made me actually laugh in class, getting strange looks from people around me. I appreciate the self deprecation, I found it quite witty. 
5/5
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There's one part of me that really wants a hug pillow but the other part is scared that I'll get weird looks from... like everyone
-.-
also blog is amusing but not as good as last ones
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EPT
