EPTWhile you guys were busy contemplating me being the first stiff, I was busy being stiff with my girlfriend, for those who are unaware, my girlfriends dad is a nutjob and he filed a second restraining order against me about for the same reason as the first.
Guys a prick, anyway! her birthday just passed recently, so now shes 17 and my problems are pretty much over and I get to be happy.
So the natural thing that sucks about having a girlfriend is that 3 days of the month, the Nile begins to run red and there is no sailing up the river.
Its a valid metaphor, shove it.
So the last 3 days were some of those days, she got her period on like Thursday or something so we couldn't sex, which sucked hard because it was like my mom knew. My girlfriend got her period when my mom went to our house in New Jersey for like 3 days, the evil little woman is plotting against me. She planned her little trip at the best/worst time ever.
Joe was sad
!!!!!!!so was penis.
Anyway, so it was like Friday or Saturday and we are hanging out at my house just the two of us and we both want sex but the period has ended the sentence, the sentence being "Joe will not have sex."
You know what? Fuck that, I decide when I have sex, not some asshole period. So I we decided to go try and have sex in the shower, so it wouldn't be too messy or anything. Plus after period sex you probably want a shower anyway, it seemed to work out well. So we get in the shower and try to have sex, but she didn't want to get her hair wet, like what the fuck? who agrees to have shower sex when they don't want their hair wet?
Apparently my girlfriend does.... So we finally get to a little sex, which due to the no wet hair rule, was some strange ass position that made me tired, plus I was sick to begin with. So after like 5 minutes we say fuck it, dry off put clothes on and head to the carnival.
First off, since when the fuck do carnivals have a 2$ cover fee? As if they weren't enough of a ripoff already. Douche redneck carnies, it cost me like 26$ for us to go on 2 rides, and to buy her some food.
I think its God's way of making the world even, carnies rip us off and take our money, and in exchange, God takes every 9/10 of their teeth.
Its a fact, I read it in Websters.
So yesterday her period ended and naturally we are both very happy, now we get to do the sex. So she got out of school at 2 and took the bus to my house with my brother, and they were just hanging out because I had to work 11-3 (oddest hours ever) So I get back at 3:10 and we play some video games for a little while, because she has to be home at 4 to pick up her cousin, so at like 3:35 I am like "SEXXXX!!!!" So we go upstairs and leave my brother and my girlfriends friend downstairs, my girlfriends friend is currently messing around with my brother, which is convenient for all of us.
So me and my girlfriend head upstairs and take our clothes off and she tells me that we have to be quick because she had to be home soon, she lives like 10 minutes away.
So naturally captain Joe says "fuck Condoms" because they blow, plus there is something very funny about busting on a girls stomach and trying to fill up her navel.
I fill it up every time, if only that was a carnival game, I would win so many stuffed animals. Sick.
So we are sexxin round and I am on top and I am about to bust so I pull out and put it on her stomach and fill up her belly button! At this point I want to know where my Giant stuffed Pikachu is, but alas, no stuffed Pikachu, just a naked girl.
You know what? That will suffice.
So I get up and go to put my boxers on and I nice there is like a little dark stuff a little below her stomach, so I get up to get her a towel to clean herself up with, and I go to put my boxers on and I look down. and see something odd. and my first thought, which I decided to say out loud was
"What the fuck? When did I put Barbecue sauce in my OH MY FUCKING GOD"
I finally put it together, that little redish brown streak I saw, and then the blood on my pelvic region. When I pulled out and put my dick on her stomach I left the red mark lol!!!
Then there was blood. It was such a weird and funny moment, I immediately grabbed the first thing I saw in my room and wiped it off, then threw her my work shirt where she wiped off my semen.
Alright just so you get the idea of what just transpired. We now have a shirt covered in blood and semen, my shirt looks like a prop from law and order.
So we get dressed and I drive her and her friend home from my house, and laugh about the "WTFBBQ?" moment we had.
and no, I have no idea why the hell I thought I put barbecue sauce in my pants, however the other day I ate a hot dog with barbecue sauce on it.
In retrospect, that was incredibly ironic.
