This is a blog designed to inform, educate, and in the worst case scenario, inspire. I’ve been in two long distance relationships at this point, one good and one bad. I’ve learned a tremendous amount about long distance relationships through these, and because of this I feel obligated to pass on some of my wisdom (or, perhaps more accurately, to warn you with my folly). Considering that there is, it seems, a fairly large population here at TLnet who need all of the advice they can get regarding matters of women, I figured that this blog might help at least someone.
I’ll cut to the chase, with a song which my girlfriend actually saw on Nickelodeon while babysitting:
Once you’ve listened to the tune, you’re now in the right state of mind. Long distance, so they say, will kill you. On very rare occasions it is worth it; the vast majority of the time, it is not. This is not a promotional blog. I cannot offer you anything more than honesty.
The Table The pros: When you do see each other, it is “more special”
The cons (a small percentage of them, anyway): You do not get to see her very often; you can’t just go see her whenever you want Lack of eye contact makes conversation less exciting Lack of eye contact also makes bumps/fights more difficult to handle Lack of physical contact Lack of physical contact amplifies bumps/fights
And there are many, many more, most of which are obvious. Your biggest problems are pretty foreseeable, but I would like to emphasize how difficult it is to manage problems solely over the phone. You won’t always have to, but unless the “long distance” we’re talking about is short enough to be able to spontaneously go see each other, you will be managing most issues over the phone.
Another related issue which is very important is this: relationships cannot grow unless you’re spending time with each other (that is not to say that time apart isn’t important for growth; it is). This should be fairly obvious. However, here’s the problem: the only way for you to “spend time” with each other in general is going to be through some sort of long distance communication: written (mail or online) or verbal (phone or online).
Why is this such an issue? Well, for a few reasons: 1) Physical contact is missing from that list of the forms of long distance communication. I’m not even just appealing to your horniness; aside from the fact that you’re not “getting any”, there’s the serious problem that physical contact is very, very important for fostering a relationship. It affirms desire for each other, it builds closeness, and is generally more emotionally bonding (especially in times of trouble) than, say, a chat on the phone. 2) If you run out of things to say on the phone, it’s dead air. There can be non-awkward silences over the phone while in a relationship; but they are much shorter than they would be in person, and they need to be further and fewer between. That means that you and her must find things to talk about. Constantly.
Now, related to 2) above is this: if the two of you generally get along great over the phone, then you’re going to build a lot of closeness which you might otherwise fail to have. You’re not going to be able to simply comment on the situation all the time, as in a real date; instead, you’re going to be learning all sorts of things about your lady friend. You should not always try to have “deep” conversations, but they are inevitably going to happen. Don’t force them, but they will come. Yes, that’s right, this is actually a positive thing about long distance (but it’s a costly benefit no doubt).
Long distance is very telling in a relationship, and if the relationship is no deeper than the physical aspect, then it will fizzle out with blinding speed. Whether or not this is a good thing depends on your perspective; if you’re still on board for a long distance relationship, then here’s some practical advice:
- Plan on talking very regularly. How often is dependent on the couple, but it needs to be consistent. This means that phone conversations (or online, or whatever) need to become a part of your schedule.
- Related to the above: I recommend setting up a regular time (weekly is good) for a phone date. This means that you do not make any other plans under any circumstances for this time of week: this evening or whatever it is, you and your lady friend are going to enjoy each other’s company over the phone. I’d suggest talking for at least an hour during these times, although the amount of time will definitely differ between couples. But either way, this gives you and her something each week to look forward to together, even if it sounds silly (it’s not). Optionally, you can make it more special by going somewhere specific (the park or whatever) while talking to make it more of an event.
- Buy a webcam. This is not so that you can see her naked, this is so that you can occasionally look at each other while talking. It’s not nearly as good as just being together in person, but it’s a nice tool and you should utilize it.
- Send her things. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just send her a card or whatever. Put some thought into it. This one is applicable to any relationship, but getting mail in a long distance relationship has some special significance.
- Don’t get too upset about conflicting schedules; you have to be extra understanding and patient in a long distance relationship.
There are “long distance dates”, which you can try if you’re looking for something to keep things going:
o Watch the same movie at the same time, and talk on the phone about it while watching it together o Do some sort of craft or something together (I don’t know – get creative here if you’re interested). o Battleship. Send her half, you keep the other half. o Online cards or checkers or whatever together. o Etc… Get creative.
Outside of specific questions, that’s it. Long distance relationships are strange things, but they can work. I wouldn’t recommend pursuing one for any reason, but if you really dig a girl and long distance is the only way (you’re both about to go off to different schools, for example), then take some of the advice in this thread and count the cost. It’s doable, but you will suffer. Long distance relationships will kill you. Proceed only if you’ve considered the cost.
my gf and i started going out during senior year of high school. we ended up going to different colleges but we decided to stay together, so for our entire 1st year of college we were in a LDR. we're still together now, and she ended up transferring to USC where i am.
it's wonderful, and i don't regret it a bit
honestly, the one thing that will make or break the relationship is how often you communicate. i talked with her on the phone probably 5 or 6 days a week for at least an hour or two every night.
so hard. theres a kind of connection that's just impossible to have over the phone or internet. I think two factors people should consider before starting a long distance relationship is how strong the relationship is before hand and how long it will be until it's no longer long distance. I just dont think people were wired to be away from each other for too long. not to say it's impossible, just that it's always a sturggle.
--actually, I'm curious... has anybody here had one of these that wasn't hard? How long were you away from each other?
The farthest I ever did was like 45 mins from me and I wanted to shoot myself.
Shoot myself after I couldn't get laid for a week + Shoot myself when I drove down there and didnt get laid Shoot myself just for driving 45 minutes each way just to get laid
It's a lose-lose.
Plus, it's like a giant, wide open invitation to cheat on each other because you see each other so infrequently.
im in a long (time zone +8h), long (been 8 months now), long distance relationship. after 6 months i went to see her and stayed for a month, and three weeks after i got back she came here (she's here now) and will stay for a month. i will go see her in summer again hopefully.
i agree with you that the most important part is the communication! we talk (with webcam) on skype every day for 1-2 hours and send email those days the schedules dont match up (as i said, the time difference complicates things).
i also agree that sending her things is important. cards, flowers (through some online service), letters etc. what you said about scheduled apart time is true as well. even though its hard to know exactly how long it will be like that its good to have some kind of time plan.
if you're using computer, like we do, you can watch youtube clips "together" and laugh at them over skype.
If you see a butt-naked black dude coming out of the shower from behind her on the webcam, don't get upset, it can kill the mood. Also, why hasn't there been any mention of phone sex?
I don't know if these are any good, but let us know. Good luck!
my girlfriend lives in Germany and I live in Florida right now, but our long-distance relationship is going great so far.
I mean, we have a few "bumps," (most recently) but mostly they have to do with our plan to acquire her a visa in California (where I'm going to move) and how we're going to set up our temporary life there around my family until we decide where to live permanently (Germany or the States?).
she's pretty much the woman I want to marry.
but like everyone else said - use Skype! it definitely makes things less difficult. definitely have to visit each other every so often too! - plus it's a great opportunity (in our case) to experience the cultures we one day will be living in, especially if I'm going to live in Germany and her in the States.
How do you define long distance? I'm kind of inbetween I guess. During senior year of high school me and my girlfriend hooked up and I could see her every day. We're going to college in different cities now though, but we still see eachother during weekends, thank god. During weekdays we call, text and talk a lot online which is still nice. I take the train from time to time and sleep over.
So yeah
On February 20 2008 04:32 LosingID8 wrote: my gf and i started going out during senior year of high school. we ended up going to different colleges but we decided to stay together, so for our entire 1st year of college we were in a LDR. we're still together now, and she ended up transferring to USC where i am.
it's wonderful, and i don't regret it a bit
honestly, the one thing that will make or break the relationship is how often you communicate. i talked with her on the phone probably 5 or 6 days a week for at least an hour or two every night.
On February 20 2008 09:56 Xeofreestyler wrote: How do you define long distance? I'm kind of inbetween I guess. During senior year of high school me and my girlfriend hooked up and I could see her every day. We're going to college in different cities now though, but we still see eachother during weekends, thank god. During weekdays we call, text and talk a lot online which is still nice. I take the train from time to time and sleep over.
On February 20 2008 04:32 LosingID8 wrote: my gf and i started going out during senior year of high school. we ended up going to different colleges but we decided to stay together, so for our entire 1st year of college we were in a LDR. we're still together now, and she ended up transferring to USC where i am.
it's wonderful, and i don't regret it a bit
honestly, the one thing that will make or break the relationship is how often you communicate. i talked with her on the phone probably 5 or 6 days a week for at least an hour or two every night.
is really nice to hear
heh, at least you were able to see each other on weekends, we only got to see each other during winter and summer breaks, since she was 2 states away.
It's so weird when you read advice that's actually spot on about relationships in Teamliquid ... I've done one ldr and I can't possibly see how anyone can do those and still be in a closed relationship (aka not seeing other people).
Yeah I suppose I'll share my story here: I met my current girlfriend about 3 years ago when I was a senior in high school, we liked each other for a while but then it sort of went sour after about 6 months (we were never really officially a couple in that time, however). And yet we managed to remain friends for most of the time since then. Then, when we lived in the same city for the first time ever (this past summer) we sort of instantly started falling for each other. I'm a junior and her a sophomore in college, so transferring at this point was not much of an option, so we both had to count the cost (idiotically, we decided it was worth it). We've been together officially for about 7 months but we have quite a bit more history than that. The distance is very long, however - Michigan to Kansas. Still, even though I don't recommend LDRs, it's a great relationship and we're fairly sure that we're marrying (I'm graduating early, after this fall, and moving there to make it happen). I'd say it's worth it but I still hate long distance (who wouldn't?)
On February 20 2008 05:39 Hawk wrote: The farthest I ever did was like 45 mins from me and I wanted to shoot myself.
Shoot myself after I couldn't get laid for a week + Shoot myself when I drove down there and didnt get laid Shoot myself just for driving 45 minutes each way just to get laid
It's a lose-lose.
Plus, it's like a giant, wide open invitation to cheat on each other because you see each other so infrequently.
I'm in the same situation except its about 90 minutes right now. -_-;
Long Distance Relationships can be good or bad, it depends on the type of person, ive been in Long(time wise), Long-Distance relationships and long Normal ones, it depends on the person on weather they can be dedicated or not. i recently was in a long-distance relationship with a girl ive known for 4 years, it worked out great, and everything was going fine, but due to us both being Juniors in high school, we couldnt see each other as much as we liked, she got to stay up here with me for weeks at a time, i had never gone down there, but in her situation (her family has money problems) it wasn't possible for us to see each other as much as we liked. There was someother reasons it ended but, im not going into those, just that one Factor.
EPT
