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I don't know if I'm cut out for parenting. All I know is that I love my children (2y7m, 12m), but the mental fortitude needed to keep your cool - for the sake of the relationship and the children themselves - is so difficult.
They made me discover things about myself I didn't know I still had in me: frustrations and impatience primarily. The feeling of overextension and not being able to control a situation perfectly really humbled me this year.
This is a list of things I'm trying to deal with where I have faced the mirror more than once already:
Disclaimer -- most situations need to be accounted for when having at least some form of sleep deprivation
- Child(ren) crying while you're trying to do one thing to fix said crying or while trying to finish a singular task
- Toddler behavior part 1 - easily turning to whining, crying - as a coping mechanism or an attention seeking method, corrective behavior of all sorts does not help, ignoring it is so difficult as it's become somewhat of a auditive trigger
- Toddler behavior part 2 - flat out ignoring me. Or my partner. Or other caretakers. While he has all his hearing and listening capabilities. Repeating stuff 20 times is fruitless. Didactic knowledge is lacking to deal with this situation
- Baby's incessant need to be near a caretaker. Sure I don't mind picking you up every so often, but that you start whining the second we walk away, is maddening. Some mornings/days it's continuous. You can walk (fast if you want to) for crying out loud! Your spider walk is even faster!!! I don't know how we can appease you.
- Baby's incessant need to not be held. And then, when we do pick you up, you lean over to make the wrist/elbow strain surreal to the point it's almost unmanageable, or you let it be known this is not actually what you want.
Let me be clear though, this list is only the most egregious of the interactions. They are mostly very good, fun, enjoyable moments and it's extremely rewarding to see your next of kin growing and learning and showing affection. But sometimes I feel like I'm grasping at straws because I'm completely out of my depths. I'm not always proud, sometimes even ashamed about the reactions I've given to certain situations, but I'm trying to learn and hope I don't scar them too much in the process.
 
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I feel you. As father of one (1y8m) I cannot understand (yet?) how some people deal with two/ three/ four of those things. Unimagineable
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Bisutopia19229 Posts
On September 12 2023 18:14 Harris1st wrote:
I feel you. As father of one (1y8m) I cannot understand (yet?) how some people deal with two/ three/ four of those things. Unimagineable
Agreed, two was my limit. I've got a 3/6 yr old and life is great when you get to this point. The baby/infant stages are the worst. It's a f-ing grind dude. My first kid was a premie and cried a ton for the first 18 months.Once your youngest gets past 2 years it all improves. You can sleep more and stress less. Just gotta tell yourself to grind it out and when you are reaching your limit be honest with your spouse so they can take over and give you a break.
Getting kids past 2 years old is tough, but it's such a small percentage of parenting. You can't even begin to consider you're not cut out for it until they can walk, talk, and read. Hang in there dude!
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On September 12 2023 23:18 BisuDagger wrote:Show nested quote +On September 12 2023 18:14 Harris1st wrote:
I feel you. As father of one (1y8m) I cannot understand (yet?) how some people deal with two/ three/ four of those things. Unimagineable Agreed, two was my limit. I've got a 3/6 yr old and life is great when you get to this point. The baby/infant stages are the worst. It's a f-ing grind dude. My first kid was a premie and cried a ton for the first 18 months.Once your youngest gets past 2 years it all improves. You can sleep more and stress less. Just gotta tell yourself to grind it out and when you are reaching your limit be honest with your spouse so they can take over and give you a break.Getting kids past 2 years old is tough, but it's such a small percentage of parenting. You can't even begin to consider you're not cut out for it until they can walk, talk, and read. Hang in there dude!
I totally agree. Everything only gets worse, when you reach your limit and still try to go an. Just a couple of minutes to cool off, goes a long way. Our kid is pretty easy-going and it still feels super difficult sometimes, I can only imagine what it would be to have more than one child to take care of.
All the best my dude!
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I don't think anyone is really cut out for parenting, it's just a really tough job.
Then again I'm always surprised by parents being surprised that their kid takes literally all their free time and then some, because that's just what kids do. Like I don't think I've ever seen a parent of a very young child that didn't constantly show serious signs of sleep deprivation and irritation. Babies and small kids just need near permanent babysitting and that continues until they mentally start to become a bit more independent, which is around 6-7 I think.
With multiple kids the older kids often take over some of the work.
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That's not entirely true. You can have very dependent children and very independent one's. These traits are quite apparent from very early on. You hopefully have a child somewhere in between, but I've heard stories about people who can't even send their toddler to daycare because it won't stop crying.
I think some people are born parents, but in this household climate it's quite challenging still.
What really amazes me is people choosing daycaretaker or kindergarten teacher as a profession. Utmost respect. I'd gladly give some of my tax money to give them a raise, especially daycare people.
To the people posted above:
Yeah, recognizing your limit and switching while you cool off is definitely a good tactic. I do have the bad habit (learned behavior?) of usually being very resistant to admitting defeat untill it's way too late (Fantasy GG timing irl) and then I either plow through or break anyway. It's a work in progress I guess.
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On September 13 2023 00:44 Uldridge wrote:
To the people posted above:
Yeah, recognizing your limit and switching while you cool off is definitely a good tactic. I do have the bad habit (learned behavior?) of usually being very resistant to admitting defeat untill it's way too late (Fantasy GG timing irl) and then I either plow through or break anyway. It's a work in progress I guess.
I would characterize myself similiar. But with toddlers it is a bit different, because there is one person, who is as much responsible for the little one as you are. So it feels easier to admit defeat.
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The first couple of years is always the hardest, because you have to deal with sleep deprivation and the kids are completely dependent on you for everything. You also have to adjust to forego things that you might have been able to do more when you were "free". When they start becoming reasonable individuals who can do basic things by themselves and play with peers, it feels better to be a parent. You might have more complicated issues to deal with, but at that point you've probably leveled up as a parent quite a bit as well. Just hang on and do what you can endure.
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It's tough at that age (4y and 2y here, so I hear you).
The job is big. Really, really big. It's big and it's around the clock, and you'll often wish you could clone yourself and do six things at once. It's going to be messy, and when you get used to one rhythm, your children will grow and change and you'll need a new rhythm.
You're talking about feelings of frustration, irritation, and overextension as a result of "not being able to control a situation perfectly." I completely sympathize. I have been humbled too. My advice is to reframe things away from the idea of perfect control. You can't be perfect, and a lot of stuff is out of your control. Instead, focus on how you are reacting and what you are supplying to the situation.
You can supply kindness.You can supply common sense.You can supply a calm, can-do attitude.
Don't forget about supplying food. That can really turn things around.
Imagine you're in a crowded movie theater, and someone shouts "FIRE!" Suddenly there's panic and a stampede for the door. Now, a good leader is not someone who's panicking and shoving past people. A good leader is staying calm, helping people, making sure nobody is getting left behind. This hypothetical leader is not actually in control of that crazy situation at all; they're just trying to be a certain way because they know that's the best way to help. Likewise, as a parent, sometimes the situation gets crazy and stressful and you can't really control it, but your lifeline is try to be a certain way: kind, calm, helpful.
2y7m and 12m is just a tough combination of ages. 12m is too young to really share interests with 2y7m, and 2y7m is too young to really be without your attention very much. It will probably get easier. My 4y and 2y play together all the time, and although they constantly need help to play harmoniously, at least they can often be interested in the same activity. It's night and day versus one year ago. Much easier. Hang in there. Being imperfect and struggling does not mean you're inadequate. You are exactly the person that they need.
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I've got a 13yo, 11yo and a 6yo. All I can tell you is, we've all been there, and it gets better. The first couple of years are just about taking care of your kids' moment to moment needs, taking care of your partner, and taking care of yourself. Caring for a baby is a grinding undertaking and it's often totally overwhelming.
I can tell you, though, that having gotten through it, I am glad I did it and love being a father. Especially now that my two oldest kids are big enough to be fully independent human beings of their own, with their own interests and perspectives and senses of humor. I'm crazy about my kids, and I love being the father of this family that my wife and I created. So just keep doing your best with as much love as you can muster. It's absolutely worth it.
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On September 12 2023 17:26 Uldridge wrote:
..., but I'm trying to learn and hope I don't scar them too much in the process.
I can really relate to your feelings! One thing I've heard from my wife referring to professionals (I don't have a source right now), is that it's alright to overreact or a too harshly, as long as we apoligize afterwards. In general, it's alright to make mistakes, as long as you repair afterwards. It teaches the children very many things;
1. Adults have feelings too
2. Adults are not perfect
3. It's important to apoligize when we make mistakes
4. The child matters enough to be apoligized to
5. It's a bonding moment
As I've heard (again without sources to it right now), perfect parents are much more damaging to a child than imperfect ones. Imperfect parents teaches a child we all make mistakes. Perfect parents set an unrealistic standard that the children will struggle (in vain) to reach up to.
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EPT
