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I have a teenager brother (17). We live in separate cities and due to the pandemic, couldn't see each other for about 2-3 years. I'm 33 btw, so there's a large age difference.
A few days ago my mom and brother came over to my house to stay a while. I am a clean person in general, but pandemic made me extra careful about washing my hands often and other cleaning stuff.
First incident was, my wife went to the bathroom after he did and when she came out, she told me that my brother left the toilet with poop stains. I didn't want to embarrass him by warning him face to face, so instead I wrote a text message and told him that we have a toilet brush behind the toilet that he can use after using the bathroom. It's a bit hidden so I thought he might not have seen it.
A day later I noticed a spray of yellow stains on the toilet seat so I called and politely told him that he should lift the lid if he pees standing up. He told me he doesn't so I cleaned it and let it go.
On another day he sat next to me at the dinner table and he was very smelly. My mom and I had to tell him that he should shower a few times before he did.
He doesn't wash his hands often in general but there's a specific thing that disgusts me the most. He usually stays up until sunrise playing computer games and every day around 5AM he goes into the bathroom, immediately flushes and goes back to his room all in a couple of seconds. My bedroom is next to the bathroom and our tap makes a loud noise when used which is easily heard from the room. As a guy it's not hard to guess what he does, he probably waits until that hour to make sure everyone is asleep, masturbates and throws the tissue into the toilet, but he never washes his hands afterwards.
My mom says she's tired of nagging him all the time about all the issues (sitting at the computer all night, not showering, not eating regularly etc.) and that he doesn't listen to her anymore. I can make him do things easier than my mom but I also don't want to nag him like all the other adults around. But the masturbate-not-wash thing is making me super angry and disgusted and I don't want to explode at him and ruin the little time we have together.
Few days ago I woke up at 5AM again to his flush and bathroom door noise and I couldn't sleep because of anger and thinking how should I tell him . Today the same thing happened, I got up, went to his room, sat there angrily a little. He thought that I was angry at him because he stays up late, so he turned off the computer and went to sleep, but the real issue was different. I couldn't say anything because if I started talking I felt that I might lose my temper then went to the other room to just cool off. And I also wiped the bathroom and door handles he touched....
I thought of telling my mom not to bring him along anymore until he learns basic hygiene but I'm also sad for her. She's very caretaking and tries to do her best but she seems given up...
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I'm not much of a sentimental person and family relations mean little to me. I see it is different with you so I suppose my advice would not achieve much. Yet I'd say your biggest responsibility is not towards catering your brother but towards your wife. In light of this I'd clearly tell the rules of the house to the brother, maybe even in the presence of all affected parties. And if he still disobeys repeatedly, off he goes, brother or whatever, I don't care. I know, easier said than done, you'll say. But not for me - I've no trouble ending relationships with people whatsoever so I'm expressing from where I stand.
You have all the power because this situation is happening in your place. Yet you refuse to use your power and to stand by your partner, you do not enforce rules that would be acceptable for you. Thus you're eroding the trust the wife has in you and trust me, it's going away swifter that a fat kid on a water slide. While you've put yourself in quite a predicament, you still need to ace decisively and fast at that.
Best of luck!
ps. spin a little speech where your actions are to the benefit of all, if you like. It is so anyway, whether the teenager sees it or not. I have a twelve year old daughter and I'm kind of dealing with somewhat similar issues albeit on a tiny scale cause she's still mostly responsive to words of advice. In my case I see that verbal discipline (not verbal abuse, mind you) coupled with personal example can make wonders if only I manage to reach and push her buttons.
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Norway28665 Posts
Tell him that girls care more about personal hygiene than about basically anything else and that it's something he'll have to fix if he wants to have a shot at getting laid.
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I understand family is important to you.
as a married man the same age as you, I want to give you this word of advice though: the most important family you have is your wife. You need to stand by her as she (presumably) stands by you.
The other most important person in your life - equally important to your wife - is yourself. What your brother is doing is bugging you, and it is bugging your wife. So do something about it.
I can't really help you with advice regarding teenagers or younger siblings as I have no experience there; but maybe try to explain to your brother why his behaviour regarding hygiene is problematic, and also explain to him what I said above, namely that while he is important to you, nobody is as important as your wife.
And Drone is right too; the first and vital requirement for most women in a man is that he's clean. If he ever wants to not jerk off but actually get laid, he should start practicing hygiene now.
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Do not let these kinds of things smoulder. If you are awake at night, and you hear what's going on, and it's bothering you enough to keep you awake. Just go tell him. He sits at the table smelling, tell him. You don't have to be rude about it, but you have to say something. Right away. Not a day later, not after discussing it with whomever, just friggin tell him. You are talking about your own brother here, not some random stranger. If you don't speak up, this can develop into an issue.
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Your brother sounds pretty depressed. Might of course just be a teenager in rebellion etc., so I'll not assume too much based on limited information over the Internet, but still...he sounds like he's given up.
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He sounds depressed, I doubt you could say or do anything in the short time he is there to change his behaviour much especially if his mother hasn’t been able to change it.
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Washing hands can be easily fixed by buying him hand sanitizers and leaving it in a couple places like the bathroom, kitchen, or in his room. Shouldn't be that hard to tell him to use it.
The rest sounds like deeper behavioral problems.
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It's probably hopeless, but yeah. Tell him girls care more about personal hygiene than anything else and that he should definitely listen to you. You'll be thinking to yourself of ways to get him to take adult advice to heart so that he doesn't make obvious blunders. Hopefully he'll hear you out and get things right!
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EPT
