EPTAs I said in my original post, I've always been an intelligent person. I learn fast and can figure things out pretty easily. I also get bored easily with repetitive, simple problems. Before we moved to Excelsior Springs, which is where I met Jacqueline, we lived in Memphis, TN. While there, I attended an advanced placement class called Clue, and had the opportunity to skip second and third grade. My mother said no to this, as I'd have been around kids much older than me, which I think was a good call.
The point of telling all of that is to explain a little bit of what happened when we moved. After we got to Missouri and I got out of the K-3rd grade range, homework began to matter. I started getting F's in my classes, because they bored me. I'd ace tests, do all the assigned work in class, but I never, ever did homework assignments. I arrogantly refused to, and despite the failing grades, I still passed. I went all the way to 7th grade with this attitude, having my teachers be frustrated at me because they knew I could, just that I was too lazy to do so. But, it got to the point where I was just sick and tired of it all.
So, I asked my mother if I could drop out. At the end of my 7th grade year, I was pulled from the public school system. I haven't been back since then. On reflection, that was a major mistake; not because I'm not intelligent enough to recoup, but because I don't really fit anywhere right now. I'm planning on getting my GED, taking the SAT, and applying for college soon, but I've a lot to learn in little time. Though I seem smart enough, I lack a lot of knowledge that others would call common, simply from lack of exposure. I'm paying for that now, and I wish I hadn't been so stupid about things then.
The point of telling all of that is to explain why I never mention school in my recountings of the past and to explain why I've yet to catch up on life. One may point out that it is my own fault for standing still, and that'd be partially true as I didn't motivate myself until recently. As of right now, though, I have no choice but to remain in stasis; I'm waiting on my birth certificate to come in, without which I cannot further my education. It's been over a year since I applied for it, despite phone calls and even a hospital visit. Still waiting.
I've gone far off course. Let me continue with the original lines of thought...
Besides the constant void that imposed itself in distance, there was one other personal problem, one that has existed as far back as five years of age for me. It still exists today. I have major issues with death. I won't go too in-depth, as it's the same egotistical, senseless but fundamentally true stuff you can hear from another person. I will only say that I am, in general, a happy person. But, I experience something akin to depression and truly do experience panic attacks when the subject sticks itself into my mind. I struggled with this for the next few years as my social life turned to the online world. (I discovered StarCraft and TL in this time.)
Honestly, the next few years are more of the same. I went to Missouri three different summers trying to visit Jacqueline, even walked 22 miles on a 90+ degree Fahrenheit (32 degrees Celsius) day, which resulted in my skin literally blistering all along my arms. All three attempts failed, including one that pronounced how out of touch distance had made us with eachother; I went to her house one of those summers to find them gone. So, where were they? Visiting my house, of course. -_-
The years passed, with us drifting apart little by little, until April of 2005. I'd been talking with her roommate (Jacqueline is a very smart girl, as I said, and was attending an advanced school on a college campus instead of high school) when she asked me a question. I can't quote verbatim, but it was something along the lines of: "So, how is it that Jacqueline is with you if she isn't attracted to boys at all?" I joked and responded that, as far as I knew, she did. That she'd have to ask Jacqueline herself. She said she had, and at that point, I got a little scared. Not in a mistrusting way, but in a "this is totally unexpected" way. That fear wasn't really misplaced.
I left Jacqueline a message that night, joking about the incident. I didn't ask straightforward, but I put it out there. The next day, April 1st, was to be one of the worst days in my short life. Jacqueline left nervous messages for me that morning, saying that we needed to talk. I caught her online later that day, and my world crashed. She hadn't cheated on me or anything like that, I knew better. But, keeping some details out in respect to her, I was told of things from her past that I never knew about, things that I was actually hurt she never revealed to me. I was told, for the first time ever, that she was depressed, always had been, and had even tried suicide a few times. I was told that she was gay, and the thought of male contact disgusted her, that she didn't think we'd ever have anything in the way of a "normal relationship."
All of this, dropped on me at once, without so much as a hint. I kept thinking to myself sardonically that it must be the among the cruelest of April Fools jokes played on a guy, wishful that something like that were true. But, it wasn't, and I had to deal with that. It was kind of like being told that I never truly knew her, wasn't trusted enough to know her before, and was about as sexually appealing as M2's dog on a bad day. The hardest part of it all was dealing with her depression, though, as I never knew it existed. I felt guilty for not knowing so, and hurt at the same time for never being told. It was all entirely new, and we had a hell of a time adjusting.
A positive thing that resulted from this was that we became more personal with eachother than ever. We started talking more often again, like we used to, and even though a lot of it was depressing, we kept at it. Our day to day conversation wasn't just fluff and debris about or minimal social lives outside of the messenger box anymore, but about us. It got to the point where I was determined to go see her, and did so at her school in May.
For more than a month I'd been telling myself that there would be no physical contact, made myself turn off any sexual wants before I decided to leave. I wanted her to be comfortable above all else, wanted to be with her without hurting her. O, things got confusing.
When we first saw eachother again, she ran into my arms, and there came one of the brightest, happiest moments I've ever known. It was an instant comfort to be close to her again, and despite recent times, it was as if we'd never parted. We were still best friends, and everything seemed natural. Smiles were pretty much the common expression of the day, and we were constantly close to eachother, something that had never been before.
At the end of that first day, we ended up in this dark, playground-like area. She had to be in for curfew within the hour, so we didn't have much time left before we'd have to leave for the first time, but I didn't expect what happened next. In fact, I didn't expect it to happen at all, ever. We were standing close, looking at eachother, not needing words for the first time in years. Light touches were had, and butterflies were plentiful, much to the distaste of all you manly men who may be reading. She got closer to me, and I felt a rush, a pure body excitement simply from having contact with her. And then, without a word, she started pressing light kisses against my neck. Across my face. And finally, at the corner of my lips.
Without thinking, I kissed her. It was soft and slow, and seemed to last forever as all perfect moments do. I remember no sensation but the feel of her lips and the sight of her eyes from just beforehand. All my other senses left me, and there was no thought. Simply happiness. After it passed and we parted, there came a rush of worry and confusion. I wasn't supposed to be doing this, was I? She didn't want this. But when I tried to say so, she kissed me herself, and all doubts were put aside until the next day.
I won't go into detail for the remaining week that I was there. I will only say that it was wonderful and confusing all at the same time, but I left without doubts that there could be a physical aspect to us.
After that period of overwhelming happiness, there was a deep sort of sadness. You see, being together is amazing, but the closer and more used to being with someone you get, the more it hurts when that is taken away again. I've visited Jacqueline many times over the past two years, at the cost of thousands of dollars, and while every time is more wonderful than the last, every time hurts more when the inevitable separation occurs. I don't regret it, and am planning on seeing her in August again, but it truly does hurt more and more. I'm happy for what I have and what we will have someday, but distance is a constant aching for now that only becomes more intense every day.
That's the first part of the hard times, and realistically, it was still not the hardest. I've yet to come to that point, but I'm tired now. The rest will come later.
