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June 18, 2007

Blogs > ZaplinG
Post a Reply
ZaplinG
Profile Blog Joined February 2005
United States3818 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-08-30 17:13:47
June 18 2007 06:17 GMT
#1
So here's the deal. I am writing a story about zombies and will be posting the first couple of chapters here for critiques. See the thread http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=55159 for a more detailed intro.

Without further ado, here is the first chapter (at least for right now):

------------------------------------Chapter 1 ------------------------------------

Need an intro

“I’m dying…”

“Oh, you are not. Stop complaining.”

“But I haven’t eaten in, like, ten hours! I’m going to waste away.”

“Fine.”

Ericka took one last handful and threw her bag of spicy potato chips over the table to Josh, her boyfriend Razi’s roommate. She had known him now for little over a year now and they had become fairly close. Close enough for her to not mind giving him the last few remaining crumbs.

“Aw, c’mon. What’s this trash?” Josh hissed immediately after he felt the bag’s light weight. He spun around on his chair to get underneath the light and peered inside for a better look. “I thought we were friends.”

“Oh, we are,” chuckled Ericka, “I just didn’t want to spoil your appetite before dinner.”

“Yeah right, that’s impossible. Razi probably skipped town with our money anyway.”

“All nine dollars of it?”

“ Haha, yeah. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

At this, Ericka grinned. It did not seem like something he would do, but it was still funny anyway.



Razi glanced down at the clock on his cell phone and grimaced. He had been waiting in line forever and was still only fifth in line. It was all expected of course. Every time the pizza store held a Student Appreciation Day and offered extremely discounted pies the place immediately became congested with college students trying to get the most out of their meager budgets.

A couple of female students in front of him wearing trendy school colored gym clothes turned to each other and started chatting loudly over the general noise of the store, “This is ridiculous.”

“I know. Every time I come here it’s like this.”

“We totally should have gone to the Sub Shop instead.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

“Okay, but you are driving this time.”

“Fine,” the girl on the left said. With this, they both turned out of the line and forcefully thread their way through the mass of bodies, heading for the door.

A kid who looked as if he had been working in a pizza store that had seen constant activity for seven hours straight slowly waddled over to a closed register and flipped a switch. After typing a few numbers on the keypad he regretfully announced, “I can help someone over here.”

This signaled the start of a maddening dash as the students in the back of the line quickly tried to out sprint the ones in the front to the new register. Razi had anticipated this, though, and took up a defensive stance, effectively blocking off their path and sealing the first spot for himself.

“Can I help you?” the kid behind the counter asked.
“Yes, could I have two medium pizzas – one with ham and the other with pepperoni, please” said Razi, as he fished around in his back pocket for his wallet.

“Is that all?” asked the kid. With a nod from Razi, he continued, “That will be $10.70 please. Your pizzas will be done in about fifteen minutes.”

After receiving his change, Razi took up an empty booth near the counter and pulled out his cell phone. In order to waste some time, he started scrolling through his pictures, deleting the ones he no longer cared for: a close-up of a friend taking a shot of cheap vodka, a different friend sitting on a recliner flipping the camera off, an off-center picture of a huge boat he had taken while vacationing on the coast, a picture of a homeless man who seemed to be chasing…

The picture disappeared and was replaced with large, blinking text that read ‘INCOMING CALL FROM Ericka’. Razi quickly clicked the green Talk button and flipped the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hey Razi,” answered Ericka, “We are starving – where are you?”

“Still at the pizza place. Everyone is going nuts, but I managed to get our order in without breaking any bones.” explained Razi, only half joking.

“How much was it?”

He hesitantly answered, “Ten seventy,” Something outside the large glass window that served as a wall had caught his eye. A group of around five students, presumably members of the football team by their clothes, were sprinting down the narrow two lane road leading from campus towards the pizza store.



“Hello…?” questioned Ericka.

Looking over at Ericka’s puzzled face, Josh laughed, “Haha, what wrong now?” He had taken up residence on his bed which occupied the greater right half of their dorm room. “I told you he was skipping town!”

“I’m st…ll here,” replied Razi.

With a confused face, Ericka asked, “What is all that noise in the background?? Where are you?”

“St… in the pi…a store… A gr…p of guys …st ran into here…”

Ericka wrinkled her nose, “Razi I can’t hear you! Talk louder!”

“Holy …uck, they are attacki…,” shouted Razi.

Her expression changed from confusion to one of fear. The campus was safe enough, but there was recently a stabbing just off the grounds. Looking for some quick cash, a presumed crack addict had viciously attacked a student who was waiting at the local bus stop.

Josh, able to clearly hear the louder than normal conversation sat up and moved to the edge of his bed. All too aware of the recent attack himself, he no longer was smiling. “What’s going on?” he demanded.

A deafening crash was heard on the other end of the telephone line, which was followed by piercing screams.

“On…f them just tackled through the gl…ss. I have to get th.. hell out of here!”

At this, Ericka let out a short gasp. Josh urgently motioned for the phone. When it was passed to him, he shouted into it, “What’s going on, dude? You want me to come down there?!”

“I’m go…g to try to … et to my ca…”

“You sure, dude?”

“Yeah… Du… they are fuc…ng … eating people…”



Razi was knocked back against the booth table he had been sitting at only minutes earlier, forcefully pushing the air from his lungs and causing his cell phone to be thrown to the floor. The taste of blood crept into his mouth as he lie temporary helpless and unable to move. What was going on?

The football player who earlier crashed through the window slowly regained his footing. Razi could do nothing but stare as he murderously leapt, despite the shards of glass embedded in his face and hands, at the kid still trapped behind the counter. In a feeble attempt of defense, the cashier began to wildly flail his arms at his assailant in a manner that may have looked comical had the situation been slightly less bloody. In their short scuffle, the microphone pager sitting near the cashier was knocked off the counter and crashed to the floor with the power switch in the ‘on’ position. The sounds of ripping flesh and gurgled cries as the football player grabbed and sank his teeth into the cashier’s arm were amplified as they echoed through the back end of the store. A smattering of blood exploded from the kid’s open wound onto the opposing wall which was enough to finally spur Razi to his feet.

Another football player clambered into the store through the large broken window. Diving upon a screaming girl who was wearing an obnoxiously brightly colored sorority shirt, the two fell to the floor in a tangled mess. Most of the other customers had rushed into the parking lot leaving Razi and a few others who were furthest away from the doors alone with the two football players who were busy feasting on their fallen victims. *******rework******

Razi heard another scream coming from the direction of the broken front door. A quick glance in the direction of the voice showed a grim scene as the remaining football players were attacking the fleeing students. Deciding that the safer route would be through the window, Razi started running towards it. With a nimble leap, he cleared the low post and was outside.

After making a wide sweep around the center of action, Razi arrived at his car. He fervently searched his pockets for keys and found only the change he received for his pizza. They must have fallen out of his pocket when the mob knocked him down earlier in the store. He would have to go back in to get them.



“What? Dude, I’m coming down there… Hello?” A large bang followed seconds later by a prerecorded message explaining how his call was lost ended the conversation. He handed the phone back to Ericka. “I’m gonna head down there and see what’s up,” he said, “Just stay here incase he comes back before I do. Once I figure out what’s going on, I’ll call you and let you know.”

“Alright,” came an answer, “You think he’s okay?”

Josh forced a smile, “Yeah I’m sure he’s fine. It’s probably just a bunch of drunk idiots anyway.”

“But I heard him say ‘they are eating people’...”

This caused Josh to pause. He had subconsciously ignored that part of the conversation with Razi. Now with Ericka saying the phrase again, it forced him to consider it. Without an immediate answer, he simply shrugged his shoulders and grabbed his keys.


***
Don't believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free
ZaplinG
Profile Blog Joined February 2005
United States3818 Posts
June 18 2007 06:27 GMT
#2
Wow, I have no idea how to write action/fight scenes. If anyone has words of advice, please let me know :O
Don't believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free
decafchicken
Profile Blog Joined January 2005
United States20018 Posts
June 20 2007 05:16 GMT
#3
Describe the fights more. Random blood flying from jugular on to wall?
How was he attacked?
Did he struggle?
etc...
how reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?
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