i will start by saying that i have numerous reasons to fall in a hole of bloody depression, but im not there yet, i have a big big shield that still hides what im really going through.
I am paying debts (about $500 USD, but i make about 150 USD a month), i still can get over my ex-girlfriend, my parents are going to divorce, and im doing "not great" on school.
yeah my life isnt as hard as many of you people, but still... im used to live in a pink world where everything went fine, now im going through harsh shit and im still trying to leave the problems behind.
im starting to think that im not sure what keeps me going day after day; it may be my job, im ranking up quickly, as i work in a video game store, im already in charge of some things, when most people doesnt get a rise even after 3 months ( i've worked 2 so far ).
my friends are not really that great. its a big change from high school to college and im noticing that many dont have time to do things together like we used to, some dont care etc, i probably have like 2-3 close friends, when i used to have like 10+. maybe they werent as close as i thought..
yet, people doesnt seem to notice whats going around me, like if they didnt care. Im always the guy who's asking how are the other people, instead of they caring about me a little. Im so bloody sick of helping, but when asking for help, getting none in return.
thats maybe why my behavior has changed, strangely, i've become a little rude, and kind of an asshole some times. I also changed from being the "nice(loser) guy" to being a bloody woman magnet. but i find no woman interesting, its a bloody hangover from my ex. and i fucking hate that she seeks me now that im changed. Not even when we were a couple she acted like this. im so bloody pissed off, but whenever i do something harsh, the moment i hang up/cancel with her i feel so bloody bad, like depressed because i still care so bloody much for her, maybe because i let all my guard down and actually felt love for her...
and my fear is that she loses interest in me, somehow i want to keep her close, but i cant really do it as a friend right now and the only way for this to go away is just time, and im afraid that with time she goes away, for good.
ya, this ultimately turned into a girl rant, fuck it. i hate myself atm. and i dont wanna do shit for my b-day that is on 4 days (06/05/88).