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-- Disclaimer: There is slight religion talk! --
In the past all the relationship troubles I've had have been kept locked inside. But then a problem occurred with Tom, my partner, and I had posted on the forum about it and how SC2 played a great role in it too.
Now about a month has passed and I find myself in a strange place once again.
Yesterday, a friend of Tom's, Becca, had asked him out for lunch. The people going would be Tom, Becca, Becca's boyfriend, and Becca's sister. About a year ago, when Becca and Tom were in the same school, Becca was the prettiest girl in her grade. A lot of the boys wanted to have a go with her, especially Tom's group of friends. Tom, though, would tell me how unattractive he found Becca to be. He told me how she had a 'basic' personality that was extremely off-putting and annoying. Tom would tell me how he didn't like her a lot and that he only hung out with her because of Jake, his friend who was dating Becca at the time. I completely trusted Tom and didn't have a single doubt that he liked her at all. So Tom had spent hours and hours skyping with Becca and Jake, just fooling around and having fun for many days last year.
Fast forward to yesterday, when Becca asked Tom out for lunch. Tom told her he couldn't make it, as he already made plans to go out with his best friend and friends. While Becca is a local, Tom's best friend and friends go to colleges out of state and are only here for this week's Spring Break. The thing that made me so confused, was that Tom was expressing regret at not being able to have lunch with Becca and her sister. He was contemplating on whether he should just go to lunch with Becca instead of his best friend and friends.
I asked him, "I thought you said you didn't like Becca?"
And this is where it gets really funny. I'm laughing right now.
Tom says, "Well I mean, I don't hate her. She's really funny, and she's cool. Becca's a good friend. She's also a huuuuge meme-er so I really like that too. Her sister is even better though, real cool girl."
I honestly don't understand. Is it just men in general, or is Tom a special one? My problem isn't that he would go out to have lunch with a friend. It's that he, in my eyes, lied to me. Why would you say that you disliked her and go to such lengths to tell me about how you hated her 'basic' personality and found her so very annoying, then go back on everything you said and talk about how you want to have lunch with her because she's "cool"? I'm just having such a hard time understanding.
I asked Tom why he changed his story, and Tom told me, "I didn't lie or anything...I thought if I told you she was a good friend, you would get jealous or something and not let me see her or hang out with her."
When he said this I really couldn't believe my ears. I had two different feelings inside of me. One, where I thought he was a sleazy lying douche bag, and two, where I understood where he was coming from. He wanted to hang out with his friend and he was scared that if he told me the truth, I'd be a controlling monster (which I was in the past) and tell him he can't hang out with her.
So which one should I feel? Why are they so polar opposite? And why is it so hard to do the right thing? It's so hard to trust someone completely, because you never know what they really think. My partner has lied to me so many times, that it's so hard to keep trusting him.
I feel lost. Confused. Slightly distrustful, maybe (sarcasm at the slightly).
Recently, I've been thinking about how unhappy I am in my relationship - more so with Tom and who he is. The more Tom does things like this, the more I feel detached from him and the more I wonder if I truly know who he is. I ask why I can't have a partner who's mature and caring. When I think of Tom now, I mainly see him as an immature, selfish, and inconsiderate partner. I feel suffocated at how there are so many decisions that come from breaking up with someone. It's not just you and the person separating. It's everything that comes with that person and everything that comes from being with them. The emotional aspect, the familiarity, the time spent, the texts always sent, living together, knowing each other more than another..all these things - I can't breathe.
I find myself wanting someone who loves me.
Here I am, sitting on my chair and typing about how much I want an unselfish and caring partner. How selfish of me is that? The hypocrisy is so funny to me. No matter how much I know I'm being selfish, I still want more for myself. That's just how human beings work in my eyes, including me. I find these thoughts as me being so very self-centered and uncaring.
Love is supposed to be kind. It's always supposed to seek to lift others up. It's always patient, it always trusts, and it endures all things. This is what I see love as, and this is the kind of love I want and need in my life - in my own character. I know the right thing and the right thought is to forgive Tom of anything he does that hurts me. That I shouldn't be nitpicking and focusing on his bad traits and his flaws, as it wouldn't help me grow and mature as a person or a partner. I point out and complain about the wooden splinter in my partner's eyes, when I have a plank in my own.
Sigh. Love and relationships are hard. They really are.
I feel like the main reasons for dissatisfaction and resentment in relationships stems from selfishness and greed. Even though I think that, I still find myself having a hard time separating myself from my own selfish wants and what I think are my needs - because that's not what I think love is.
There was a sermon I listened to recently from a pastor I truly respect. The sermon was on marriage and divorce, and the pastor said something that really resonated with me and always pops into my head whenever I feel unhappy about my relationship or my partner. "It doesn't matter the partner", he said. "No matter who your spouse is, you can always learn to love each other." I know some people might disagree, but I find myself completely agreeing to the statement. Every human being has flaws. Every partner you'd meet would have at least one thing that you don't like or that you wish was different. So, it doesn't matter the partner - the focus shouldn't be on the partner or your ideal person, it should be on love. As long as we don't lose sight of love, everything will be all right.
  
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Tom sounds like a dick.
"...learn to love each other" requires two persons trying.
Men are no match to woman socially, as in, we are inapt at keeping track of feelings and thoughts of other persons. That whole he said, she said thing is just not worth the effort.
Definitively one of the reason why there are 10 times as many men incarcerated as there are woman. We are willing to break any social promises.
Men lack the stomach to be accountable for their emotions. That doesn't mean that there aren't decent men out there, they are blunt and they are honest, they are still no master manipulators or remember your best friend's sister's favourite movie. Tom sounds like an immature child that got caught in his lies, this will happen to every dishonest man.
I called a girl not to long ago to complain that she never calls and I always have to do the first step. She then reminded me she literally just called me 3 days ago to hang out. I wasn't available, and since this social interaction had no physical implications afterwards it just didn't register in my memory.
It reads as if Tom will need a lot of work to make him a decent human being. I don't know Tom. I don't know you. I don't know how much you love him. Knowing your side of the story I fully understand if you wanna reevaluate your options, seems like he will land softly in someone else's arms if you decide to do so.
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Tom has always been flaky after his whole "MySpace" thing didn't work out.
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I love a girl (well, woman, I'm not as young as I think I am). There is zero wiggle room there. I love her. Done. That's it. No games, no justifying things, no anything. But maybe that's just me.
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On March 18 2018 05:32 JWD[9] wrote:
Tom sounds like a dick.
"...learn to love each other" requires two persons trying.
Men are no match to woman socially, as in, we are inapt at keeping track of feelings and thoughts of other persons. That whole he said, she said thing is just not worth the effort.
Definitively one of the reason why there are 10 times as many men incarcerated as there are woman. We are willing to break any social promises.
Men lack the stomach to be accountable for their emotions. That doesn't mean that there aren't decent men out there, they are blunt and they are honest, they are still no master manipulators or remember your best friend's sister's favourite movie. Tom sounds like an immature child that got caught in his lies, this will happen to every dishonest man.
I called a girl not to long ago to complain that she never calls and I always have to do the first step. She then reminded me she literally just called me 3 days ago to hang out. I wasn't available, and since this social interaction had no physical implications afterwards it just didn't register in my memory.
It reads as if Tom will need a lot of work to make him a decent human being. I don't know Tom. I don't know you. I don't know how much you love him. Knowing your side of the story I fully understand if you wanna reevaluate your options, seems like he will land softly in someone else's arms if you decide to do so.
I am a male INFP which is a disposition held by mainly females as I understand it. I have well developed feeling and I sound more like the women in your post than the men. You know. the good memory for other people's feelings and understanding how to manipulate and those things.
“Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure.” - Hermann Hesse. You know, most people need love in some form but it really is a destructive force often. Goof luck with Tom.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Your blogs are very well written and easy to relate to.
I'm sorry you're going through such stress in your relationship, especially after how beautifully it all started out and how you underwent so much stress and still managed to fix it in February.
As the other posters have said, a relationship takes two people to work, and if Tom isn't willing to do his bit and open up and be transparent, then there is nothing you can do to force him and still keep him happy.
I totally see your point of view, and I think it is very big of you to man up and admit it to yourself and others, and I think that open minded consciousness is something we can all learn from, including Tom.
All the best!
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"Love is supposed to be kind. It's always supposed to seek to lift others up. It's always patient, it always trusts, and it endures all things."
While this is terrible romantic, I think it's also one of the most missunderstood parts of the bible (at least when you see it the way I see it). People always think Paul speaks about his own love for other people or about love among people, but I believe it is about the love of god for the people. Try to reread that with this in mind and maybe something will click in your mind 
I think it's quite cruel to measure your own, human love against such high standards - you can only lose no matter how kind, enduring and hopeful you are. Of course, the same goes for Toms love. I believe the best way is to aacknoledge the kind of love you are capable of right now and to build on that slowly but surely.
From what I can read here, you feel betrayed by the fact that Tom lied to you repeatedly. This raises concerns about his character and about how good a partner he can be for you, and those concerns are more felt than thought. I think your doubts are reasonable and your need for honesty is not too much to ask for.
If I were in your shoes, I would do exactly that: Ask for what you need from him. Tell him your feelings about the situation, but neither reproachfully or demanding nor submissive. Tell him that the only way you can undestand his actions is by imaturity on his behalf. And that you wish your partner to be a mature one that would speak with you about his doubts about how you would react when he wants to meet Becca. Tell him you would have liked to have that conversation instead of just being lied to.
Maybe you are wrong, maybe he is not imature and has the best reasons for what he did and he just didn't have a chance to explain so far. Maybe he is imature and he will need to grow as a person, but he will only get a chance to do so if you sit down and have a friendly, honest and compassionate conversation about it.
This is how I would do it, at least. Take all of this with a hint of salt, since I'm a bit of an unconventional guy.
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On March 19 2018 04:59 AKnopf wrote:"Love is supposed to be kind. It's always supposed to seek to lift others up. It's always patient, it always trusts, and it endures all things." While this is terrible romantic, I think it's also one of the most missunderstood parts of the bible (at least when you see it the way I see it). People always think Paul speaks about his own love for other people or about love among people, but I believe it is about the love of god for the people. Try to reread that with this in mind and maybe something will click in your mind
I agree with your viewpoint. I didn't think that in Corinthians Paul was describing the kind of love that existed between human beings. "Love" that the world sees is misconstrued, and the "love" that we display is tainted. But for God, He is love, and so the characteristics that were mentioned, I believe, are characteristics of God. We are commanded to love God and to love each other as well. So from what I take from the Bible, true love is only seen from God (and is God), thus, that is the kind of love we should seek to emulate and follow. I think that was what I was trying to get across - that we should follow the Lord's example and to try to live a life that would please Him. Thus, to love one another, we should do our best and pray to emulate a love that pleases God.
Thank you for your kind and helpful words though. Everyone has been so kind and has given me a lot to think about. It's really great to hear other people's point of views as I think it's easy for us to get caught up in our own little bubble sometimes.
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I don't see anything wrong with Tom. People's perspectives on the individuals in their friend groups are constantly in flux. Also he really hasn't done anything wrong other than show a low level of interest (that probably isn't even romantic interest) in a female that you have arbitrarily decided is a threat.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
On March 19 2018 08:08 puppykiller wrote:
I don't see anything wrong with Tom. People's perspectives on the individuals in their friend groups are constantly in flux. Also he really hasn't done anything wrong other than show a low level of interest (that probably isn't even romantic interest) in a female that you have arbitrarily decided is a threat.
Read her other blog. Some extra perspective
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This guy has a thousand red flags, is a narcissist, seems to get a kick out of manipulating people including you. This will end badly one way or another.
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Very well written blogs, I'd say get away from this guy and find a new one, you seem to be a very intelligent person. Good luck!
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I feel like everyone knows the classic "I didn't tell you about this because I was worried it would hurt you" motif, yet so many people still repeat it, even knowing how that goes. Baffling.
For me the big question would be, did Tom do this because he genuinely cares about you and is just being (badly) misguided in how to make you happy; or, did he not tell you for more selfish reasons because he just didn't want to hassle with your likely emotional reaction/possible concern if he has actual interest in Becca or her sister.
If it's the former, then eh I think he's just being a silly oaf as guys, and to a lesser extent gals are prone to do in a relationship, and I don't really think that should cloud your feelings of him. If at heart he's trying to do things because he genuinely cares for you, that's still a person of good character even if some explanation of why what he did was wrong is needed.
If on the other hand, it's any of the other two...that's where I'd start thinking about getting out of there. If he is attracted to Becca/Becca's sister and hiding that to spend more time with them, he's a scumbag that's going to cheat sooner rather than later and doesn't care about you. Even if that's not there, but he's doing it just to avoid "dealing" with you...there is no excuse for that, and basically says he has no respect for you at all, and by extension really doesn't care about you much at all. We all have respect for people we care about.
Which Tom you're dealing with is something you'll have to figure out for yourself. That can't be answered from a blog.
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The sermon was on marriage and divorce, and the pastor said something that really resonated with me and always pops into my head whenever I feel unhappy about my relationship or my partner. "It doesn't matter the partner", he said. "No matter who your spouse is, you can always learn to love each other."
I know some people might disagree, but I find myself completely agreeing to the statement. Every human being has flaws. Every partner you'd meet would have at least one thing that you don't like or that you wish was different. So, it doesn't matter the partner - the focus shouldn't be on the partner or your ideal person, it should be on love. As long as we don't lose sight of love, everything will be all right.
Yea, I'll raise my hand for disagree. That's nonsense.
If amended it to say "no matter the spouse, you can always learn to love aspects of each other" I might agree.
If I was in a relationship with someone I knew treated their pets like garbage, to the point of abusing them, I could never learn to love that person. I'm sure I could learn to love parts of them, for instance they might be amazing with children and an incredible teacher, and I would certainly find that part awesome. I could never love or respect someone like that as a total person though. They would still be a scumbag overall in my eyes.
This line of reasoning can far to easily be taken to rationalize or be tolerant of things like domestic violence. The attitude is a good one to have, but there are some people that aren't deserving of respect or love, and those are the kind of people you don't want in your life.
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EPT
