EPTAnyone have any reasons? Could use a few.
Why go on?
| Blogs > Zambrah |
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
Anyone have any reasons? Could use a few. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16679 Posts
BlizzCon 2016! the Toronto Maple Leafs improbable quest for their 12th Stanley Cup! | ||
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B-royal
Belgium1330 Posts
- good games - good music - making music - doing sports - visiting new places, meeting interesting people - watching quality adult entertainment lol - challenging yourself with goals and reaching them - creating desirable art - ... If you want more specifics you'll have to explain why you don't want to go on. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16679 Posts
in this movie Pam Grier is 15 years older than Bridgette Fonda and 5000 times hotter. | ||
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goswser
United States3519 Posts
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
I have no car, I can't get a full time job in this fucking state, the process to get a state issued ID is absolutely irritating, requiring bills as proof of residence. I don't pay bills, I can't open a bank account without an ID either, so I can't even get a checking account to deposit money from my part time job into. I just seriously cannot understand what I have going for me right now. A massive looming debt? A fucking part time job at Home Depot? Living in a flea ridden room? Being without a car in a state where everything is separated by miles? What future do I have? Am I going to be able to fight through all of this shit? Do I have it in me? I really don't know, I'm in a state trapped in a house when I'm not at work, I can't go out to meet people, I can't go out and do ANYTHING, I feel fucking trapped in this shithole situation in this shithole house in this shithole state and I just don't know why I should ever aspire to anything better than this when it seems like every factor just desperately wants me to be in this situation. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16679 Posts
On September 26 2016 12:29 Zambrah wrote: As lovely and wondrous as the future might be, I just can't be excited for it, I don't see a place in the future that leads anywhere good, I can't imagine appreciating the world around me when everything in my immediate life just feels like shit. It feels like an inescapable vortex of darkness, where do I go? What do I do? I spent 4 years at college and what is it going to amount to? Nothing? That seems most likely, my family is poor, I live in semi-squalor in a room with a dirty flea ridden carpet, crawling with large spiders, crickets, and, most recently, soldier beetle larvae. I have no car, I can't get a full time job in this fucking state, the process to get a state issued ID is absolutely irritating, requiring bills as proof of residence. I don't pay bills, I can't open a bank account without an ID either, so I can't even get a checking account to deposit money from my part time job into. I just seriously cannot understand what I have going for me right now. A massive looming debt? A fucking part time job at Home Depot? Living in a flea ridden room? Being without a car in a state where everything is separated by miles? What future do I have? Am I going to be able to fight through all of this shit? Do I have it in me? I really don't know, I'm in a state trapped in a house when I'm not at work, I can't go out to meet people, I can't go out and do ANYTHING, I feel fucking trapped in this shithole situation in this shithole house in this shithole state and I just don't know why I should ever aspire to anything better than this when it seems like every factor just desperately wants me to be in this situation. go where the money is, dawg. fish where the fish are... https://www.bloomberg.com/view/articles/2016-06-14/boom-states-and-bust-states-according-to-gdp most of my new customers are from New York and Manitoba while i live in Ontario. The Ontario economy is crap. i worked a part time job WHILE in a co-op program in university; even during academic terms i worked part time. basically for 4 and 2/3s years i did nothing but work, sleep, and exercise. zero social life and zero frivolous fun. as bad as having little to no social life was... the alternative of having no money and monster debt was worse. now that i've got my customer base established and a huge employee count of 2 i spend a lot of time just dicking around.  work non-stop man and build a trust network. if a lazy piece of garbage like me can do it.. any one can. if u r always working it won't really matter how amazing or lousy ur living accomodations happen to be. the feeling of being productive is a good feeling even when u r earning a low amount of cash. | ||
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Djzapz
Canada10681 Posts
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
I didn't even get the proper training in 3D (which is what I wanted to do once trying it in Junior year) because the school I went to doesn't have many people (pretty much noone) that knows the intricacies of the particular 3D programs I need to learn. Originally I was going to go into concept art and illustration, but I figured I like doing 3D, most other people hated it, it must be a feasible career path, right? You know what though, I found tutorials, I spent my meager earnings from school jobs and I bought some tutorials from real industry professionals (especially ones at Blizzard!) but I can't do anything with them. My old laptop can no longer handle 3D programs, it barely runs Photoshop anymore. I just don't know what Im supposed to do. I spend most of my time trapped in the house because I live like 5 miles away from anything and I have no car. Virginia sucks, I hate this god damned state, and I hate the bevy of Soldier Beetle larvae I have trapped in a cup next to the blanket on the floor I sleep on, I hate the fleas I drown in a glass near my bed, and I hate that I feel like I can do little to change my situation here. Do I get a futon to sleep on? Spend $150 on something that I intend to leave asap? Refloor this fucking room so that its not covered in stained, disgusting, flea ridden carpet? I just can't stand this feeling of blackhole-like despair, what do I do? I feel powerless, I feel trapped, I can't do anything here. I have a sketchbook, and I draw in it, but thats the absolute extent of what I can do here that isn't improving the home of a family that hasn't had any remote interest in doing it themselves, and who makes it very difficult for me to even do it. | ||
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Koivusto
Finland542 Posts
It's already good that you tell someone, how you feel. Edit: okay so art. How about employing yourself outside of your field temporarily until you save enough money to move or for example buy a new laptop? | ||
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Koivusto
Finland542 Posts
On September 26 2016 10:05 JimmyJRaynor wrote: the Toronto Maple Leafs improbable quest for their 12th Stanley Cup! You are alright | ||
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
On September 26 2016 14:28 Koivusto wrote: Like Jimmy there said, go somewhere where you have moäre possibilities. Another state or even country. You have the privilege of being a native speaker of world's lingua franca. What degree do you have from college? It's already good that you tell someone, how you feel. Edit: okay so art. How about employing yourself outside of your field temporarily until you save enough money to move or for example buy a new laptop? I'm currently working part time at Home Depot to do just that, but every passing month feels like falling one step behind the people who got their formal education in 3D, the software changes and advances so quickly in 3D, its not like digital painting where Photoshop will just reign supreme forever. All the time spent saving is time not spent doing art and the thing with art is you really HAVE to practice it, it takes so many years to become truly excellent. Every month I spend not learning 3D is another month closer to giving up on the dream and accepting whatever stable income I can because whats the point of trying to get in on a field thats filled with bright young talent and every year it seems like its going to become harder and harder to compete in the market. I've thought of spending a few years in Korea teaching english, but it seems like that market is also kind of going downhill and I'm not sure if thats going to be a viable path in like 8 months when I can afford to go. This whole environment is just awful, its filthy, lonely and isolating, and it just feels like a physical manifestation of the dread of never being able to move onwards from an upbringing of poverty. And this is before my student loan debt kicks in, in like three months I have to start paying $400 a month for the next ten years... | ||
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FFGenerations
7088 Posts
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HungrySC2
United States191 Posts
You may be one of the many people out there where College was the worst time of their life. It's not commonly talked about but there are many people you know who feel the same way, they just don't talk about it. Not to mention the financial burdens that follow afterwards. If you do in fact have a 4 year degree you do have some things going for you. The fact that you have a degree means something to many employers. It doesn't matter what the degree is in. Apply for anything and everything that you could tolerate doing short term. Don't decide that someone won't hire you before applying because of your credentials or current situation. If they want someone to work they will find someone to work and they will train/help out if it is in their best interests. That often times is people just like you. Yeah your job might suck, but you need to start making money if you want control of your life. That's how the world works for most of us. You can always keep looking for something better! Some internships and jobs include room and board. That may be something to look into. I also hope you talk to someone about whatever loans you might have and what options you may have. Especially if they were provided by the federal government. As for the ID. Do find out what you have to do and do it. I don't know anything about how it works, and I'm sure the process sucks, but it exists so figure the shit out and get it done. Most likely you're going to have to find an ally to help you out. Sadly other people usually are what make our lives better. I am very fortunate to have a very supportive family that has helped me during hard times. There are other people and organizations out there that can be supportive (and possibly even help you out) if you get involved. It always is healthy to be part of something. The hardest part is reaching out. I do not know if it is possible, but it sounds like a bicycle could be a decent tool to take advantage of. I don't mean to preach, but I rode a bike 40 miles a day to get to work/school when I also didn't have a car. I don't know if that is possible where you live, but it is free transportation. If nothing else it is a sliver of independence. But then again I always have known I feel much worse if I stop being active. Any small positive change in your current situation is worthwhile. No matter how trivial or unimportant it may seem. "When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it." - Paulo Coelho "Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." - Titus Best of luck | ||
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HungrySC2
United States191 Posts
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YokoKano
United States612 Posts
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mantequilla
Turkey779 Posts
On September 26 2016 12:29 Zambrah wrote: As lovely and wondrous as the future might be, I just can't be excited for it, I don't see a place in the future that leads anywhere good, I can't imagine appreciating the world around me when everything in my immediate life just feels like shit. It feels like an inescapable vortex of darkness, where do I go? What do I do? I spent 4 years at college and what is it going to amount to? Nothing? That seems most likely, my family is poor, I live in semi-squalor in a room with a dirty flea ridden carpet, crawling with large spiders, crickets, and, most recently, soldier beetle larvae. I have no car, I can't get a full time job in this fucking state, the process to get a state issued ID is absolutely irritating, requiring bills as proof of residence. I don't pay bills, I can't open a bank account without an ID either, so I can't even get a checking account to deposit money from my part time job into. I just seriously cannot understand what I have going for me right now. A massive looming debt? A fucking part time job at Home Depot? Living in a flea ridden room? Being without a car in a state where everything is separated by miles? What future do I have? Am I going to be able to fight through all of this shit? Do I have it in me? I really don't know, I'm in a state trapped in a house when I'm not at work, I can't go out to meet people, I can't go out and do ANYTHING, I feel fucking trapped in this shithole situation in this shithole house in this shithole state and I just don't know why I should ever aspire to anything better than this when it seems like every factor just desperately wants me to be in this situation. close every entrance with mosquito nets, clean and spray pesticide everywhere, burn the carpet and get some of those cheap "wall to wall" carpets :/ I may tolerate everything in life but NOT FKING BUGS | ||
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
On September 26 2016 15:12 HungrySC2 wrote: First off I don't think you need to spend $150 to find something to sleep on that is off the floor. Worst case scenario is you spend a few bucks on a cot. Best case scenario is you find someone getting rid of their stuff. (Craigslist, Goodwill, Rummage Sale, Estate Sale, etc) You may be one of the many people out there where College was the worst time of their life. It's not commonly talked about but there are many people you know who feel the same way, they just don't talk about it. Not to mention the financial burdens that follow afterwards. If you do in fact have a 4 year degree you do have some things going for you. The fact that you have a degree means something to many employers. It doesn't matter what the degree is in. Apply for anything and everything that you could tolerate doing short term. Don't decide that someone won't hire you before applying because of your credentials or current situation. If they want someone to work they will find someone to work and they will train/help out if it is in their best interests. That often times is people just like you. Yeah your job might suck, but you need to start making money if you want control of your life. That's how the world works for most of us. You can always keep looking for something better! Some internships and jobs include room and board. That may be something to look into. I also hope you talk to someone about whatever loans you might have and what options you may have. Especially if they were provided by the federal government. As for the ID. Do find out what you have to do and do it. I don't know anything about how it works, and I'm sure the process sucks, but it exists so figure the shit out and get it done. Most likely you're going to have to find an ally to help you out. Sadly other people usually are what make our lives better. I am very fortunate to have a very supportive family that has helped me during hard times. There are other people and organizations out there that can be supportive (and possibly even help you out) if you get involved. It always is healthy to be part of something. The hardest part is reaching out. I do not know if it is possible, but it sounds like a bicycle could be a decent tool to take advantage of. I don't mean to preach, but I rode a bike 40 miles a day to get to work/school when I also didn't have a car. I don't know if that is possible where you live, but it is free transportation. If nothing else it is a sliver of independence. But then again I always have known I feel much worse if I stop being active. Any small positive change in your current situation is worthwhile. No matter how trivial or unimportant it may seem. "When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it." - Paulo Coelho "Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." - Titus Best of luck I live within ~2.5 hours of walking to a large mall complex, and I applied to 90% of the stores there and they ALL rejected me. From Target, to Walmart, to the various small crap stores I got rejected by every single place that wasn't named Home Depot. I now have a part time job at Home Depot, but there are going to be a lot of financial drains doing home improvements here (like taking this god forsaken carpet up and burning it) and then the 400 a month for student loans. And then there are other potential complications about the work at Home Depot, like whether or not they expect me to be making sales quotas considering they didnt hire me as a specialist, because it sure seemed like it was something they were going to try and get me to do. I've also heard that having a degree makes getting smaller jobs harder because employers aren't willing to train you for months and then have you leave, which they'll assume you want to do because you have a degree. I've heard that a lot, so maybe Im in a uniquely shitty position with regards to getting jobs. No reliable transportation likely isnt helping the situation. As for the ID, I know what I need to get it, the problem is getting it is a massive pain in the dick in Virginia for god knows what reason. I need my birth certificate (easy), social security card (easy), and then proof of residence, which on their list more or less means bills, or a paystub. Sure, I can get a paystub, but I'm not paying any bills on any residency in Virginia so thats not going to happen. I'm trying to get my old transcripts but my old high school is a shitshack and god knows how long that will take them. I'm not even 100% sure if the paystub will work out, I assume my name is on it but I have to deposit my money into my mom's account because I can't open a bank account here without ID, I dunno, maybe that hampers me with regards to getting the paystub. College was probably the best time of my life, which isn't saying a lot because not a whole lot in my life has ever really conspired to go right, while it was nice to live in clean sanitary places and be able to focus on art, I also had yearly personal tragedies strike at school, and the people in my major could be very... sensitive and I never knew what was going to set them off. I wish I could spend another 4 years at school and actually redo everything I did there the first time, but alas here I am, with a few half developed skillsets. | ||
Liquid`Drone
Norway28642 Posts
or e) accept that life didn't quite turn out the way you were hoping. It's like that for virtually all of us, some are closer to where we hoped, some are further away, a select few are actually living the dream - but those people are rare and few inbetween. Literally all of us that are more than 25 would like to have spent a couple or several years of our adolesence over again, either cuz we did something wrong or because we're unhappy with our acquired skillsets. Maybe you're worse off than most, that's gotta apply to some of us, so I can buy that. But it's just.. if you're feeling like this when you're 50-60 years old.. then it's like, whatever, do what you wanna do. But as a reasonably intelligent 20-something year old guy, your life still has opportunities. Most people vastly overestimate what they can accomplish in 6 months - but they also vastly underestimate what they can accomplish in 5 years. You still have those 5 years. Think about what you did wrongly the first time around, and use them better this time. Hone your skills, or learn some new ones. The world might not be your oyster, but you can take something out of it, even if it's not a brightly shining beautiful pearl. Accept zirconium, or whatever. | ||
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Koivusto
Finland542 Posts
Reach out to friend/family/acquaintances to find a more suitable place to live? Maybe a shared apartment with a friend or two. Try what Hungry suggested: contact the institution which provided you your loan and ask for renegociated payment plan? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you man. Try to find even a small piece of confidence and you will already feel a bit more like being in control. | ||
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B-royal
Belgium1330 Posts
2. Then I would focus on finding cheap housing, look into social housing where people (maybe even illegally) live together and pay a very small sum. Or you could try contacting some friends to rent a place together. Or maybe even go back to your family? 3. Accept that 3D art may not be a future you can afford right now. Try to focus on securing a financially stable situation. And who knows maybe in 5 years you can actually start focusing on 3D art again. | ||
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YokoKano
United States612 Posts
Whatever you do, don't lose your sense of humor. Don't give up hope. Love your neighbor as yourself and try to smile once in a while. Life is a long event and by simply raising the standard for yourself you apply pressure to obtain the vigor needed to face life head on. Look at life as serious competition between humans, animals, fungae, and the other classes of organism. Even if you get fucking creative, scabbing over injuries with salt and voodoo medicine the essential property is to remain steadfast in your determination. You don't have to be a saint to find freedom, you just need to be yourself at all times, even if that means embracing the ethereal energy of otherworldly excitement. The world is in your mind as much as it is in your perception. If you just believe in yourself all things are possible. That's the nature of quantum mechanics and the mind as reality. Just don't forget that what we see in the mind is not always what we see in the world. | ||
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
After graduating from college I'm really starting to feel the disadvantages of being poor. I went to school with some RICH motherfuckers, most of my college was minimum upper middle class, fuck one of my few friends was actually a millionaire, her mom flew in from Hungary WEEKLY to visit here, back and forth, spending money like I can't even believe. People around me went to do internships at companies their families had connections at, they traveled for fun and really just seemed to be enjoying their lives in a way I still can't understand, I could see enough of the photos on facebook'n shit that I KNEW they were traveling and having fun and it just makes me so fuckin' bitter that I didnt think my life through when I was like 12. If I had the kind of wealth these fuckers have I COULD be a stellar artist. I went to a world class art school and lemme be frank; the kids were mostly terrible. They were either, A. Pleasant people but pretty poor with regards to thinking their concepts through, or B. Crazy SJW types. I know SJW is a contentious term around here, I do not use it lightly here. In my Character Design course we had an assignment where we were to study a culture and reinterpret it in some way shape or form. The first thing that happens is people go all "This assignment isn't right, its cultural appropriation." I mean come the fuck on, how do you plan to make a living at illustration in ANY capacity if you refuse to leave this wretched mental box of, "if it looks chinese it MUST be chinese, if you fuse chinese and scandanavian cultures its RACIST!" come the fuck on. Shit like that happened a lot. Ever heard someone way a painting of a vodka bottle wrapped in bacon was inappropriate because they said it referenced bondage? They seriously were speculating the image was inappropriate because bacon wrapped around a vodka bottle is imagery that is too powerful? And man were they clique-y. Talk about an echo chamber, I don't think many of them were bad people, but they were really uncomfortable with challenging ideas in any capacity. A huge part of RISD is critique, every class everyone puts up their work for the week and we're meant to dissect and destroy the artwork with words. I have never heard so many people who coddle each other in the lamest of ways. That was a mildly tangential rant. Its not to say college was a bad experience, I really, really loved some of my professors, they're some of the sweetest people around and also some of the most hilariously intelligent and talented fuckers I've ever met. They made me experience there so much more tolerable and less isolated than it could have been. But fuck it makes me so bitter (and I was already BC fuckin' headache powder bitter about my life) that people who can't break through a hardon for basic Tolkien fantasy get to pursue their dreams in luxury and comfort with internships as junior fuckin' art directors at big movie studios some-fucking-how, and I have to go home for the summer to work an under the table job doing public school flooring with a bunch of literally drug addicts. Like two of the people I worked with regularly took meth, popped pills directly before work, and my boss was a literal fucking CRACK HEAD, as in he smoked crack and fucked actual crackwhores. I can't claim to be the most talented person alive, but I know that I CAN succeed, I fucking KNOW I can, I'm unceasingly critical and negative and let me fucking tell you that is a blessing in this line of work. It just fucking irks me that EVERYTHING I do tends to turn to shit. Everything is a struggle, everything is hard, every fucking thing I do seems to take a herculean effort from me and let me tell you I am tired, I am so, so, so tired. I can't even imagine how my mom must feel, she works three jobs! I can't let myself fail, I have two fuckup money drain siblings and I am the good one and I will succeed, I have to succeed, I fuckin' need to succeed, I'm an investment, I have potential and if I don't realize that then I'm nothing more than the same kind of fucked up money drain that my sisters are. Just very, very tired. Also I don't do drugs of any kind because growing up with drug addicts makes that a really unappealing way to go. Hell I can barely stand drinking, and not just because alcohol tastes like shit. So no, I have no such vices to work with, the last time I drank I drank like 8 shots of whiskey and coke and was pleasantly buzzed for a night, which was nice. Kind of freaked me out how effective that was in making me go from seriously depressed into really just feeling pleasant and happy. I don't think I need to tempt the alcoholism thing any more than is necessary. For what its worth, my long winded bitching is cathartic and I appreciate your advice/listening and all. | ||
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Just_a_Moth
Canada1948 Posts
I dunno. Just a thought. | ||
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Koivusto
Finland542 Posts
Choose one thing to fix and take necessary steps. Obviously choose something you're able to do (e.g. financially). Adjust where you need to (dont buy a bed, look for someone donating one). Try to keep active. If this thread dies and you feel like talking, just PM! | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16679 Posts
On September 27 2016 11:46 Zambrah wrote: I know that my situation isnt really THAT bad, I mean it sucks, but I think a big part of why all of this shit is driving me so fucking mad now is that school spoiled me. best move i ever made was to go to a Co-op school that makes it impossible for this university campus fantasy-land mindset to exist. my school get criticized for being a boring, workaholic school. most four year degree programs exist for rich kids to protract their adolescence into their early 20s. | ||
alffla
Hong Kong20321 Posts
Wish you the best! Oh and why go on? Just because we all only have this one life to try to make anything at all out of it, so why not? Your family may be shitty, but think of all the friends you've made, the people you care for, whether it be a big or small amount, the dreams and all the things that you still want to achieve! I'm assuming you're around your early 20s right now - you'll be 30, then 40, 60, 80 years old before you know it. Life moves fast; make the most of your time on earth! | ||
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Saechiis
Netherlands4989 Posts
Don't be in such a rush to decide your book is going to be a tearjerker. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16679 Posts
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xpldngmn
Austria264 Posts
your luck is gonna change, it's gonna go from bad to strange | ||
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Q0gm9NS.jpg) I'm gonna try and do a drawing or two a week to keep myself sane. For some reason drawing torture-y stuff makes me feel better. I choose not to read into it. Maybe transferring my negativity into torture-monsters will make me a wee bit happier. | ||
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YokoKano
United States612 Posts
antipsychotics are kind of antiweed. in the way that weed / other psychoactives seem to layer the world, antipsychotics unlayer the world. actually it makes taking the antipsychotics themselves a sort of self-inflicted torture. sure schizophrenia is (apparently, evidently) delusion in its way. but then at least we seem to be dealing with just too much information. on the other hand, do you really see yourself taking a medication that will transform the world into a place that makes perfect sense? there are jokes like "are you too stupid to know you are stupid" but when they seem to really hit home is when you are smart enough to know you're stupid. in addition to all that the reality of antipsychotics is they limit brain function to the point where you just feel like a ghost all time, floating around unable to amend anything, unable to really perceive the world, and without the willpower to really effect any change. needless to say (at least in my own view), the schizophrenia is a lot better now even without medication. but i still find myself medicating on occasion when things become confusing or when apparent delusion seems to be wresting control of my thinking. so now I'm confronted with the questions you're undoubtedly worried about. life seems to be off-track, perhaps really really off-track. no one seems sympathetic to the situation, and most of the desirable prospects that I'd set my sites on seem to be probably not possible any more. there seems to be absolutely no motivation at all compared with before (when there was no motivation at all, lol). in short, why pick up and start over when things are worse than before? there seems to be no reason, and maybe there isn't. but then you get into this kind of suicidal mindset where every shortfall seems to have only one best answer. there's utterly no way to win in that mindset, which is a reality. but when you really start to ponder the suicidal stuff (which i have), it starts to seem unappealing. you know you get into this mode where you ask whether you can do this or do that (art of course is sort of bad). will you be able to recover to a desirable situation in the near future. in short what I've discovered is you can recover to a desirable situation pretty easily. just motivate yourself to do a lot of pointless shit that won't help you like kill all the bugs, clean the apartment, go to an antique store and repopulate with new furniture. actually just having a sound living environment can be quite a lot of fun if you really put into it. you can spend not much money and build a cool house, and it doesn't even require the kind of heroic intrapersonal effort that you need to have a "nice situation in life" (which requires politics). shopping like a gay person (which i am informed that i am not) has brought me a lot of satisfaction recently. and in fact if it were couched to most people whether you should kill yourself or not they'd probably be happy to give you a helping hand. it certainly seems impossible to wake up day after day and want to improve your life but then when you start simulating the actual situation in your mind it seems hopeless. it tends to be the actuality that no one has enough time or the psychological know-how to say what they want to say--what i mean by this is that most wisdom is to tell people stop doing what you're doing (which is rarely what we want to hear). therefore by the time you've actually arrived in a morbid suicidal state, you look around at the world and it seems to be a very hostile place. ironically this is often because people have it in mind to help you, they just aren't you and don't understand your situation completely. for me the answer has been to investigate everything carefully and try to dispel the defeatism. if you are "patient" you will see that most people really are willing to help you. there's simply this weird mindset where people take a lot of responsibility for you and your situation (which you might not like). thus often enough it's a weird reflection of sympathies that actually creates the illusion of hostility. that's why the best advice is to approach each interpersonal interaction carefully and patiently and try to get a good idea of what the other people are thinking. it's a weird observation that people are actually very opposed to other people killing themselves (and usually for good reason), and the common wisdom is that being tough on the person is the best way to prevent suicide. in fact this turns out to be true, but only works when the person begins to challenge the environment (at some level). the biggest danger in my opinion is that when you're in a suicidal mindset it's a defeatist mindset and the last idea you have is usually to try to create challenges because they seem like antagonism. so that's why my advice is to approach the situation carefully and try to see what kind of meaning people actually have with their behavior and language. almost always it will not be as hostile as it might seem, but the people are trying to foster a kind of aggressive vitality by making things hard for you. surprisingly this really probably is the best strategy from the people looking from the outside in, but no one is perfect. | ||
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Archeon
3253 Posts
Btw I assume you tried to get a job as a digital artist for gaming companies like blizzard? They are supposedly working for d3, so torture monsters sounds like something they might need soon. And not just them, many medium gaming companies need digital artists for their games. Your art looks pretty sick btw (in a good way). | ||
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Korakys
New Zealand272 Posts
Frequently in these types of situations there are government agencies or charities that can help with basic things like getting an ID sorted out. Of course getting what you really need, money, is like getting blood out of a stone, but often many helpful things can be obtained if you know where to look. The annoying thing is that finding out about this stuff is usually really difficult. Maybe try and find some Democrats to help you get registered to vote and as a side benefit (main benefit from your perspective) hopefully that will help you, or require you, to get an ID first (Democrats just love getting poor people registered). Maybe you can get the student loan organisation to send you a letter for proof of address. Foster the part of you that is different from those around you. The goal is not to become a narcissist, but to strengthen your personal identity so you are more resistant to following the herd (the herd seems to be in danger of heading off a cliff soon, unfortunately). Summer fades, but try to spend 10-20 mins each day outside on some grass or under some trees to reflect, without anger (difficult, I know) and be away from the bugs (shit, I should do this more often myself). If all else fails (and this is hard to say as a born-again atheist), try to find a church or church group that you can tell your problems to (this will be emotionally excruciating). The more established or older the church the better, so Catholics are best and Lutherans (IIRC) are good too. Evangelicals are right out. They could well be able to help you a bit with some real-world problems and there shouldn't be much pressure to become a believer. The next year of your life could well be your hardest, but that kind of means that every subsequent year will be better. You seem to have already done better from your starting position than average. | ||
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Koivusto
Finland542 Posts
If 3D-jobs are unrealistic to get into straight away seek for jobs that at least have some minor aspect leading into that. Enough of those kind of stepping stones (in one employment or in several) will lead you to your goal eventually. And like someone said here, people easily underestimate progress they can make in 5 years. Fuck those younger graduates and artists you're talking about. You have no way of knowing if they will be better than you or chimpanzees. | ||
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YokoKano
United States612 Posts
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Zambrah
United States7289 Posts
Here is my specific situation with regards to art: So, I can draw in pencil well. I'm good at handling 3 dimensional form in a monochromatic way. The difficulty is that I lack two of the truly most fundamentally important aspects of handling 2D art (in the entertainment industry this more or less boils down to painting textures or doing Illustrations, a la Magic the Gathering or Hearthstone or books) which are, 1. Speed. You need to be FAST. Like, real fast, now I'm not inherently slow, but I'm simply not confident enough in my abilities to really get this speed going. What you need to be fast is the mindset of continuous overall paint advancement, ie. you setup the sketch, you add a rough layer of paint, you add a more refined layer, and then a more refined one until its all detailed and pretty where you want it. I'm not good at this. I will spend more time than I should designing and redesigning something in small ways that, while an improvement, are simply not worth the time investment. I also get caught up in small things that mean little to the overall image as a whole. You'll notice that many paintings for Magic: the Gathering are actually really not very finished looking, some are downright fucking abstract in nature (go look at Hallowed Fountain from Return to Ravnica, preferably in Play mat size.) The fact of the matter with image making is that you rely on the abstraction of light, shadow, and color to convey depth, emotion, action, and generally everything about the damn image. I nitpick abstractions far, far too hard, I notice them and once I notice them I will never forget them until they're changed. Its very detrimental and this sort of nit picky bullshit pervades everything, for instance I took a class on Storyboarding, so we'd learn about cuts (which I literally hadnt ever actively paid attention to) and then I began to notice cuts and it drove me mad because every time a cut was made my brain would say, "thats a cut" and interrupt my enjoyment of the movie. It kind of ruined movies for me until I spent enough time not watching movies and not storyboarding to not automatically notice the cuts anymore. Issue numero dos is color. Color is hard, color is complex, color conveys emotion, and color is something EVERYONE expects excellency from. My problems with color are easier to deal with than my problems with speed and shit. Color is a matter of such complexity that lots of professionals actually manage to do a poor job. Heres the thing about color, color can't be thought of in a local fashion (ie. the boots are brown, the shirt is red) color needs to be thought about all within relation to itself and whats around it (just like black and white tone) If we think of tone as a 2-dimensional level of relationship from black to white then color is a 3-dimensional relationship between the visible color spectrum including black and white tone. Color exists in a complexity of relationship that noone ever really gets to understand it from a serious logical vantage point, theres too much to understand to systematically plan out a complex image system of color and tone. So what most people rely on is their intuition, or taste. Taste is obviously incredibly subjective, but think of it as relying on the part of your brain that makes you go, "that looks nice." Now this rarely is the only thing people rely on, but its what they rely on to make many decisions within their painting. They layer their taste on top of some basic aspects of color theory, such as complimentary colors. Complimentary colors are simply the color opposite a color on the Color Wheel. So, red compliments green, blue compliments orange, yellow compliments purple, etc. Complimentary colors don't necessarily always work well together, which is where your taste comes in. Complimentary colors have a unique relationship in that they make each other "pop" in theory, so if your whole room is green then one red object is going to stand out more than say, a blue object, or a yellow object (assuming we're negating tone as a factor.) This is an effect important to designing an image because its one of the primary ways you decide where the viewer's eye is going to go. Visual contrast is just the key to designing imagery so as to control what the viewer looks at. Black next to white is more visually jarring than dark-grey against light-grey, so if you want someone to look at for instance, a pencil drawing of a sword, the blackest part butting up against the whitest part is generally what is going to get looked at first. The same goes for detail, less detail less visually jarring and less attention demanding. Color, again, works the same way, complimentary colors are going to stand out against one another. This is all the very basic information that goes into image design, not even counting things like composition or lighting (the way light works is fucking obnoxious and is probably the biggest problem I have with overthinking.) Unfortunately I have a very serious issue "feeling" my way through a painting, I really tend to be the type to logically pace through what I'm doing, I don't get a ton of emotion out of color, for me emotional reactions derive more from subject matter. This is a viable way of handling things, but its not very efficient combined with most of my problems, since I'll pace myself in logical circles of "does the light extend this far or hit this fold of fabric this way?" which mean almost absolutely nothing. Oh, and thirdly while I'm on the subject is the primary thing that keeps me from really feeling confident in being a concept artist. Concept artists rely on being able to very rapidly shit out TONS of ideas on everything from characters, to environment props, to environments themselves. These ideas are almost never wholly original or wholly successful, but thats precisely why they shit them out in raw numbers, because among them are designs we all know and love. Did you love the Protoss LotV cinematic as much as I did? I'm willing to bet Anthony Jones (designer of the High Templar design) did a metric fuckton of designs to arrive at that point. Or maybe he didn't, Anthony Jones is very much a freelancer hired for the particular way he does thing, he doesn't have a lot of versatility but he can apply this one thing he's good at very liberally and its just hilariously visually appealing and hes exceedingly fast doing it, so hes an excellent example of someone whos technical ability, speed, and style offer up an easy package for someone to hire as a freelancer more than an in house designer (a la Samwise Didier, or Wei Wang) as they see the one thing hes offering and then hire him to do that in one place and then voila it all works out. I'm trying to think of another concept artist that has done work recently that does things in a more versatile way, but nothing is really springing to mind. Anyways, what I'm poor at is shitting out multiple ideas, I can get started with starting interesting visual premises (and lets really just forgo the use of originality, nothing is original, nothing ever will be, the only thing that truly matters is how good you are at making your audience forget whatever came before you, which is why Tolkien fantasy is hard, you see anyone do anything Tolkien-middle-ages-elves-and-dwarves-fantasy and you arrive at, "hey, thats very Tolkien) but I often fail to quickly refine that into anything. Quickly visual diarrheaing doesn't come easily to me, I can get to like 5ish ideas and then I'm dry, and anything after that is like trying to rub one out for the sixth time in the last hour, difficult, a little painful, and while you might get that last one out its not going to be very easy. I also have very severe issues in defining shapes confidently. Defining shapes in a character or image is the first layer of attention paid to it, you get your concept in mind and then you start quickly shitting away at the image in your sketchbook or something to flesh out the design to a level where its ready to be sent to modelers, or illustrators or what the fuck ever. Remember that issue I mentioned earlier about my hangups with minute things bothering the piss out of me forever? Thats also a very real issue in wanting to be a concept artist. Where I should be doing like 30 ideas in quick succession I get hung up on the small refinements and this isn't wholly wrong, but the mentality of perfectionism that it comes from is a serious detriment to this line of work. And then the final issue is that EVERY fucking person wants to be a concept artist. People with brilliant minds, people with shallow, depthless minds, EVERYONE wants to be the person who designs characters for a living (environments too but to a sadly far lesser extent.) All of the SJW-y types were all wanting to be concept artists, which is why they were so asinine to me, noone would ever hire a concept artist, whose main job is to be a thinker, who places arbitrary limitations on what they thing is appropriate to be drawn or painted. And the final nail in this whole coffin is that I'm just not particularly good at painting itself, I'd practice more but my laptop doesn't really manage Photoshop anymore, so I'm left with more or less just working with pencil, which is good but doesn't really allow me to flesh out a portfolio that would ever come close to passing any threshold for any gaming studio. So, now that we've established why I'm not particularly fit at the moment to be an illustrator or concept artist we can move on to my difficulties with 3D. Let's forget my aging, dying laptop for just a moment. I have one program I am proficient with, Autodesk's Maya. This program is a massive catch all animation program that can handle modeling, lighting, textures, etc. I have one program that is an absolute industry standard that I know a little about, Pixelogic's Zbrush. Zbrush is a nightmare program of such complexity that its often said that if you have to ask why something is the way it is in Zbrush the only real answer is, "well, it just is?" I can do a number of simple things with Zbrush, and I own several excellent tutorials about how to do things in Zbrush in a professional environment. However, whats lovely about Zbrush (and all fucking 3D program) is that when something in it breaks I am incapable of knowing what went wrong, why it went wrong, or how to fix it. For instance, I've been wondering forever how to make belts in Zbrush. I know the tool, but it doesn't behave anything like it does in my Zbrush as it does in the Zbrushs of every professional tutorial I own. I do not know why, nothing I look up seems to work or help, and noone I know has any answers because its Zbrush. Zbrush resists my attempt to learn it through it's arcane systems. These same arcane systems are why its an industry standard of excellency, but they make learning it highly enigmatic and it tends to lead toward people figuring out janking "eh, its good enough" solutions. What I do love about Zbrush is that it makes sculpting feel very much like drawing, I can draw well so I can sculpt pretty well in Zbrush, but while I can make a nude human figure with relative ease, putting clothes on it in a way suitable to videogames, or adding accessories, or adding and retopologizing hair is a little out of my league. So I have this good thing I have with Zbrush and Maya and I like doing them, most people HATE doing all of the technical bullshit in 3D programs, but I like it. The problem is I'm struggling to seriously learn it because 1. I have no help, at RISD almost noone knew enough about Zbrush to troubleshoot it, and when I mean almost noone I actually mean literally noone. The internet isn't very helpful either for numerous understandable reasons. And now we can jump back to my dying laptop and not only is my ability to understand why Zbrush does things hampered, but its actually impossible to learn it while my laptop is unable to properly handle it. Now thats its own cup of tea to deal with, what I haven't even begun to learn is: Topogun, for creating retopologized models (taking huge polygon sculptures and making them suitable for use in games) Substance Painter, for painting on UVs (the skin of the model, that the texture is applied to) Applying normal maps, or any maps really, every time I try it fails for a reason I never really understand (normal maps are maps made from the high poly sculpture that is applied to the low poly model to give it the appearance of a higher polycount) The entire process of texturing is something I fuck up every single time I try ever. UV unwrapping (taking the skin on the model and flattening it into a 2D image to paint on) is done either heinously tediously in Maya or I can't do it period at all. So basically what I can do is make Zbrush sculptures that have no clothing or texture, no low poly form, and are lacking in so many of the things necessary in the entertainment industry that I would be entirely useless to any team I was thrust into. Thats without the issue of requiring a top notch portfolio that will DEFINITELY require that I am not only capable of doing all of these things, but that I am at least capable of being proficient at them, if not an actual expert. Not to mention 3D programs are unlike painting programs where Photoshop is just the king forever, 3D programs come and go and theres new shit to learn yearly. Basically being a 3D artist is hard and technical and complicated and I have serious issues working through the technical complications of it all so I wind up being stonewalled with regards to learning the software. I probably would still be confused by Maya if I didnt have a professor who had worked with Maya literally since it was released. Even he admitted that sometimes Maya does inexplicable things for inexplicable reasons (like all 3D programs) I wish I had a workstation and the time to really sit down and work on this stuff, I find Zbrush to be absolutely entrancing, once I get into Zbrush its the exact ideal kind of trance state that lets time just float on by. I want to pursue it, I want to learn everything I can, but I can't and it irritates me, I feel like I found my niche, my crack into the video games industry, but getting into that crack requires the help of Zbrush, and Topogun, and Maya/3DS Max and Substance Painter, and Photoshop, and Marmoset and I'm still stuck at Zbrush. I'm not even to the point of learning workflow methods that make the process more efficient (a true necessity in the games industry) I'm stuck on trying to understand the complexities of the software. I know one day I might get proficient, but I feel stonewalled as fuck, I dunno how I'm supposed to get all of this knowledge, professionals are too busy to help (I've emailed professionals, believe me) and my ability to learn shit at school has expired, the internet is only so helpful and I'm unable to actually go in and figure it out for myself. Its frustrating. This turned out to be an exceptionally long art blog. | ||
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Archeon
3253 Posts
I think the main factor behind storyboards and sketching is reducing details to the absolute minimum while still keeping it useful. You likely don't need me to tell you that, but if you actively draw with a clock ticking in the background and a short timer that will probably help. I'm by no means a good digital artist (I do some sprites for a university project of us and am terribly slow), so take my words with a grain of salt. Colors are fucking hard btw, I'm colorblind so i mostly work with rbg, which is a huge pain in the ass. Not that I'd be proficient enough to do stuff like hallowed fountain and the forest from Martiniere anyways. Still loving a lot of the Ravnica land design. | ||
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imgbaby
158 Posts
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