EPTis schizophrenia the person experiencing the world as people? a person is necessarily conscious would have been my first objection. do we agree with this temporarily? not necessarily. in theory everything will or is part of a consciousness -- or at least part of the world. even if i wasn't part of the world, the world would still experience me as a blank space. this isn't ideal in my opinion because it doesn't lead to a cure for schizophrenia.
on the contrary, schizophrenia might be inclusion into a particular mind-set, or set of minds (collection of minds). this leads to some interesting possibilities. if you were a wraith in a set of wraiths you might experience the other wraiths as people-only. what to do about this limiting factor? the most dramatic solution is that the universe is constantly in expansion--not even necessarily that we are in a multiverse (which apparently we are). even that the universe as a collection of conscious could expand dramatically.
one of the most popular solutions seems to be to vaporize every other mind in your vicinity. this does indeed lead to very much not-schizophrenic outcomes. it indeed seems to be the sense of harmony that creates the schizophrenic outcome. e.g. my schizophrenia (or at least the state i associate with schizophrenia) was induced by meditation. no westerner has ever meditated prior to taking LSD was my first guess. of course there are a confluence of factors that disagree with this guess, but meditation is a fairly new phenomenon in this particular time-zone.
i am in a bad mood lately, and have been in a bad mood for a while. my schizophrenic experience does not seem to agree with the rest of the world that i live in. it seems a challenge to create a non-schizophrenic experience for myself. in theory there is nothing wrong with meditation. perhaps by meditating i could reduce the level of anxiety / stress and achieve less friction with the world. on the other hand, I'm in a rush to get somewhere and meditation isn't obviously feasible to that end.
as most of my long-time readers know, much of my anxiety is induced because of negative sentiment about authority (more perceived than believed). it seems the rest of my anxiety is induced by concerns about the drug market. as most of my long-time readers know i think drugs are good for us. most warning signs that don't occur at a very high volume are typically ignored. i don't obviously agree with vaporizing every mind in my vicinity -- i really prefer the contrary solution.
the problem is the connection between drugs and authority figures. i consider the drugs i take to be relatively powerful if benign (for instance dextromethorphan which is a legal cough syrup). on the other end it seems that people are attempting to shape my behavior away from even these not-necessarily harmful remedies. the main point of disagreement seems to be that drugs won't return me to a better mind state (or that there was any mind-state worth returning to). other than the interpersonal friction drugs have been a major benefit to my life, in my opinion. i believe this is an experience common to most people.
the counterargument to which i think people are appealing is that most of the benefits are residual. i agree this is probably true. i don't for instance think i would need drugs to get optimal results from life. what i resist, and probably the main motivation for taking drugs "carelessly" is that i don't actually take drugs. i guess this is the other twist to the story. i hadn't actually taken any drugs for around 3 years until this summer when i tripped for a month on cough syrup.
this and that and the other. people want me to take anti-psychotics which is fucking retarded. i really have a hard time explaining to medical professionals that you should kill yourself instead of taking anti-psychotics like zyprexa, Geodon, etc. if you are you, and you are eliminated from the world for 2 years because your behavior does not conform, then there is no reason to go on living. it seems that treatment professionals are divorced from the greater reality which is that life is life and it isn't always worth living. personally i believe in an afterlife and have had some pretty convincing experiences to the effect that if i did die something would happen afterward.
personally i think the reality is something that medical professionals are unable to handle. i don't know how to begin to explain how far away from reality i think medical professionals are. i do think the medical professionals who treat me are constantly disappointed because for the most part i don't see them as treatment professionals any more. i see them as people obsessed with making sure i stay on anti-psychotics. i was sent to a psych ward(COINCIDENTALLY WHICH WE DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND). two different very traumatic instances and since then my opinion of the medical community has been that they can go to hell.
my experience was (and still is) that the motivation behind the psych ward is a threat which i perceive as a threat. i see it as a threat that if i don't take the anti-psychotics then i have to deal with personal hell for 1 month or a month and a half. people don't understand how long a time a month and a half is when you're inoculated on anti-psychotic medication. to be quite honest and frank with you my opinion is that the authority figures in my life are a bunch of fucking retards and should never have the power to influence anyone else's life outside of the very limited spectrum of their own personal communication. since this peculiar fact has shaped my experience for the past 6 years which is as long as i can remember, I'm to the point of thinking they should all kill themselves.
it's actually quite ironic etc. the extent to which authority figures tell you, actually demand of you to challenge their authority by resort to any means necessary... etc. which in my enlightened opinion is exactly the same sentiment i just expressed. if you don't want your authority and can stop simulating the perceived authority of others -- in short if you could just shut the fuck up and obviate yourself -- etc.
anyway, my "recovery" from the psych ward experiences took the better part of 2 years, which again reinforces my opinions and behavior regarding authority-figures. for 23 years of my life i never had a single problem with authority figures other than the reality that they existed and posed a subtle and yet quite tangible threat to my existence. speaking firmly for the few people i am in contact with, the actual influence of the authority figures in their lives is as bad when it's indirect (therefore exaggerated) as when it is expressed directly. probably for the simple reason that we actually respected the authority of the various authority figures for so long is the actuality behind the extreme measures they take when authority is finally violated.
actually my life wasn't worth living for those first 23 years. it was living hell and the living hell had nothing to do with the expressed influence of authority figures. it seems that it would be quite fine to dose myself with anti-psychotics and live for another 70 years of living hell as a zombie. i could get a low paying, uninteresting job with a bunch of other people who felt disenfranchised. and thus my point that death is an extremely intriguing and yet confusing phenomenon that apparently escapes the purview of people who make decisions for other people.
to be quite frank at least one year of my life was irrevocably lost to perhaps the worst suffering i ever experienced and i blame the medical community. living in alternating states of paralyzing depression, anxiety and paranoid confusion (which was all 100% sane and kosher in the eyes of the people evaluating me); and to accompany this:
the nagging reality that i could never, ever, ever never ever quit using the anti-psychotic medication inducing this state. it sounds like a fucking nightmare and it is a fucking nightmare and the fact that no one actually has a scientific theory worth a damn reinforces my evaluations all the more. how do these things happen? it's a bunch of cognitive dissonance on the part of the people in authority. we don't know what the state of schizophrenia represents, and the fact that we treat people with schizophrenia and can't explain ourselves any better than "just take this drug that turns your life into a living hell" doesn't help very much.
thus the treatment professionals gradually seem to find themselves in a position of being completely divorced from reality and any life worth living. anyway, the people in authority are required to take these actions (and they shouldn't be). and then they undertake to perform certain actions under a form of duress (which they have to). finally they end up nuts about rules and regulations -- thus we see what it is to be a cop, in my opinion. we're just going to stick to the rules and laws and do what we're supposed to do against our better judgment which simply can't be applied or enforced.
another way of saying this is that i understand the situation to an extent and it's not my inability to sympathize that creates the challenge. unfortunately the problems seem to be endless. the line of lies is pretty frustrating (you'll eventually be *cured*); we're not actually threatening you (it's just a natural consequence that you're so dangerous to society that we treat you like you stabbed someone); etc.
I'm turning 30 in a few months and the reality is my life which has a lot of potential has really amounted to shit. in my opinion and the opinions of the other people involved the real world is always going to be this white-washed bullshit and nothing i am interested in is ever going to happen. i really can't be expected to play "by the rules" when the people making the rules don't play by the rules. I'm in patient because i haven't been able to see the girl I've "been with" for 6 years for about 6 years, and we're barely able to talk. i keep having my memory erased day after day, intimidated frightened subjected to needless bullshit and i really wish you would all just kill yourselves. frankly it isn't going fast enough and it isn't going anywhere near as fast as it could, and the fact that I've had to literally restart my life 4 or 5 times in the last 6 years is a lot more evidence that you're all just fucking retards.
there's really no polite way to say it but you should just all fuck off. and that's my feeling. stop doing annoying retarded meaningless bullshit day after day that you want me to interpret, and if you're going to be constantly occupying my time with mindless threats, intimidation, constraint, consequences, and so on you need to realize that you're the fucking authority figures who make the decisions about what happens to people. you're all a bunch of cock sucking fucking morons who are hopelessly intertwined in your own invented reality where nothing good can ever come about and the self-fulfilling prophesy is pretty fucking real.
holy fucking shit I'm 30 fucking years old stop trying to encourage me about stuff that *could* *maybe* *eventually* *IF WE COOPERATE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP* actually happen in real life. look at this fucking mind-numbing sycophant bullshit that follows every fucking conversation. every fucking new possibility that could ever be opened in an intelligent fashion is immediately loop-hole fucked by your god damn "let's be relatively peaceful in the open" mentality. just fucking kill yourselves and stop making logical decisions based on your need to exist.
to be honest that's really what you owe me.
