EPTEssentially my dilemma comes down to what to do with my life. I came from a time in high school where I felt responsible for killing two people, one directly, and one indirectly (fortunately, the legal system didn't think so)... Being a mess throughout high school, someone who enjoyed knowledge and understanding the world around me, but not really utilizing my skills to do much of anything.
In university, engineering was my choice of degree, which I was very fortunate to be able to get into after skipping my Shakespeare and Poetry unit finals due to not believing in learning them, and silly things like that. In my first year of engineering I met the love of my life by some odd chance, having taken some economics course as one of my two options that I had in my degree, and just happened to meet this lovely girl who was in accounting. I found engineering too easy, and I liked the idea of testing/challenging myself, and so I choose to do an economics degree as well, and take 7 courses every semester to achieve that in four years.
Well fast forward to now, tomorrow is my last day of classes of my 4th and final year. I am still with this lovely lady, and still a blank slate that is intrigued by knowledge. Passions ranging from the purest of mathematics, solving the typical design problems with engineering tools, economics and behavior of people, politics, legal system, philosophy... And now, maybe even spirituality (which until university, I was a pure atheist thinking that believing in religion is a complete waste of time. It still sometimes shocks me how my perspectives on basic ideas change so frequently, I suppose that's the beauty of university. Numbers are nice, numbers tell you right and wrong, better or worse, but when I walk down the street, and I look at everything I see around me, numbers don't explain the world we live, and in my eyes they'll never be able to - that's another perspective that changed drastically, from believe how math and engineering can be a way for society to function.
How on one end of the spectrum I fully support the progressive policies of today, but how I can also see people like Donald Trump being able to make lasting positive change to the world. I'm a person who loves information, and there's just so much of it around us, that it almost makes information seem obsolete, and point can be argued due to being able to be selective with the information you choose to use... And I think it's a problem in today's world, because whenever anyone makes an argument, you never get the unbiased opinion. It doesn't matter whether it's politics, engineering, economics, relationships, they present you with one side of the coin, and they don't tell you what's on the other side. The idea of information, the idea of right and wrong, it just really puts the whole structure of society into question and why anything is the way it is... I've gotten to this weird point where someone can argue anything to me, and I can't really reject what they say, because when I think about it hard enough, usually there is a way to justify the idea, people just tend to hardly scratch the surface when communicating ideas, while to come with the conclusions they come up with is usually a result of fireworks and many gears turning in their head.
Anyway, it's a bit unfortunate, because after high school I felt like I understood things a little bit, and then university started and I quickly figured out I knew nothing, but then, I really felt like I was making some progress and beginning to figure a few things out, and it's odd that it's happening now, maybe a bit disappointing, I feel like I know less now than I've ever known before. Well sort of, I think that I know a lot of information, a lot of examples, but the build a coherent framework for these thoughts to describe how things are is the tricky part. Also, when you live a certain life, it's easy to say, hey, I have all these ideas and information, and here are all the examples from my life that validate this information and theory about the world I have, but you get put in a new situation, and you see that what you were describing was only a very special case of reality being lived in.
Alright, so onto actual stuff. I'm finishing my mechanical engineering degree, I have a solid GPA due to being one of the few who truly cares about the knowledge (thought information is the more proper term for what's obtained), and for my last semester, I received special permission to take a graduate studies course, just to experience what kind of work is done, what kind of lifestyle it is, to decide for myself if it's something I could see myself do in the future (personally, I'd love to be a university professor one day, but the time commitment before any meaningful position comes around even with amazing performance just isn't compatible with whatever utility function I have). But anyway, I took this course, and the whole semester, I simply was not impressed with the quality of education, with the quality of methodologies used to solve problems, it just felt like a stagnation of the mental capability of people that occurred somewhere around my second year.
I don't present myself as an egotistical type of guy, but I suppose I am a bit passively on the inside. I like to think I know the ins and outs of solving the problems that have more black and white solutions (not explicit math solutions, more along the lines of designing an effective heat exchanger, choosing the appropriate compressor for a certain application, etc). So on Monday, we had our presentations for this graduate course, it was on some CAD/CAM/CAE application to essentially demonstrate the usefulness of computers in engineering design. Feeling quite good about my capabilities, I told my self, lets to some neat ANSYS Multiphysics stuff, where I modeled a geometry made of carbon composite, and performed a transient flow in Fluent analysis while accounting for heat fluxes in a coupled simulation, and coupled that to calculate the resultant stresses in the carbon fiber geometry. A nice 120 page detailed report accompanied this analysis explaining the ins and outs as well as theories, optimizations, etc performed. By undergraduate standards, this is a pretty large undertaking for a single student, and I would have doubts of more than 5% of people would be able to perform 30% of what I was able to do, simply because it requires tremendous amount of self learning. The project was actually relevant to our 4th year design project, so it's not like I was only doing simulations for the sake of doing them.
As you can see, a bit of a cocky attitude, but anyway, I went into presentation day, feeling quite good. And honestly, I didn't have high expectations for the other people. 15 students in the class in total, and maybe 12 of them international students... But wow, I was blown away. Once you got passed their language skills, and I was hearing their ideas that they presented, just wow. The level of thinking that many of them used, it was just incomprehensible to me. I was like wow, they considered this, wow they did this so meticulously.... Wow, these guys are actually really smart. Maybe it's not a big deal for a lot of you, but it was that moment, where I just thought, wow, maybe their brains actually work better than mine. Albeit, a lot of their work was in regards to their graduate research, and it's difficult for me to get into the details here, but it was just such a revolutionary thing for me. These people were able to present their thoughts as words, even as ESL students. Usually words are such watered down versions of thoughts, but it was shocking, my brain was thinking something, quickly going through all possible things needed to consider, and they presented it as if they were reading my thoughts and adding extra sprinkles of additional eureka details along the way which I didn't consider. Geez, I must've been like 10 out of 15 in terms of performance there.
I suppose I had this bad impression of the masters degree, whether it's my university or whether just a masters being this garbage degree and academics being dumb because research can yield results to any argument if you try hard enough... Some preconceived notions that were clouding my vision, it really opened my eyes to what some of these people were capable of what I could be a part of.
Now on the other side of things, I'm graduating... So I should have been looking for a job, but procrastination certainly one of my largest character flaws just made me not get to it. It's not like I had so much free time, and I had other important things to work on, but I could have structured my time better to churn out at least a few quality applications throughout the course of this academic year. But alas, here I am, situation where I live isn't great, but I haven't had time to get discouraged yet simply because I haven't tried finding a job, I definitely don't think it'd be an easy task though. I still think in terms being able to solve problem (read, not only book smarts), I'm top level material, but where I lack in my opinion is that my presentation and communication skills aren't what they could be, and also by choosing to take the two degrees in four years (as well as additional technical electives for educational and fun purposes, limited me in the sense that I couldn't go do work that would yield practical engineering experience).
So here I am, my contemporary plan was to look for jobs after I graduate. My 3+ year girlfriend finished her accounting, and she has a job lined up with one of the big four, I was going to bust my ass, and try to find something. This kind of constrains me to stay in Alberta, and looking for something high tech in the oil capital of Canada right now isn't ideal, but anyway.
Well, yesterday, in my typical fashion, after my Gas Dynamics class, I ask the prof a few questions, and essentially in divulges into discussing about CFD (so some of the analysis I have done for the previous course), and having a lot of information to share about stuff in the textbook and other textbooks, but not discussed in the course, because I mean what else am I supposed to do on my transit ride home than to learn about the behavior of gases and how to solve any imaginable practical problem with them in high speed flow. And so he asks me to do grad studies with him, and I really got this impression that he really wanted me. I don't think it's this discussion that caused it, it's simply the fact that it's the last class of the semester, and really the last class in my degree... And you usually save those requests for the end of the semester to not create any conflict of interests, etc.
And now, due to what transpired in recent days, as well as that this professor has ties with NASA and does some work for them, and just does really really cool work, rocket design, ramjets, supersonic airfoils, cooling of supersonic flows, etc etc, and what's amazing about this guy is that a lot of what he does actually sees industrial use. I have the utmost respect for this guy, in terms of intelligence, I simply think he's the best in the department. Then, when also considering all that transpired in the day before, it's making me consider graduate studies, and how maybe it's really for me. I've had a slight regret in the past, as this is the 6th professor I've been asked by to do grad studies with (there goes my ego again), but before even though I was flattered by the offers, and I didn't flat out say no, I wasn't really considering it...
If you asked me 1 month ago if I wanted to do graduate school, especially at the same university instead of trying my luck with MIT, Berkeley, or Stanford... I would have given you a resounding no. The simple life of having a family, doing mindless work making enough money that I could go to the grocery store and not worry about my finances when buying the high quality tomatoes, this was and is a lucrative life... Being with the lady that I love so much, man I'm tearing up as I write this stuff.
But now it almost becomes a question of whether I'd want to give those things to up, to live the life I live now, the live where I wake up at 6am and get home at 11pm, the life where I strive to make the world a better place and by leaving a mark in the world not by the kids I leave behind, but by the life where I dedicate my life to society that I oh so often despise. The life where I chase the dream of being an Elon Musk, the life where I could be one of the little beans in this chaotic world where we all know nothing, integrating a new technology into the life of half of the world population (I don't think this life choice would result to engineering only)... Is that a life worth pursuing? Is it worth sacrificing the most important person in my life for?
I don't know when I'd stop along this path, and I don't know whether it's gender stereotypes or what, but I don't like the idea of my lovely lady working while I'm eating Ramen noodles, and enjoying my 18k~ earnings (that's CAD not US) of being a Masters student once tuition fees are deducted, or is it all a fever dream? Like I said before, the most beautiful thing about University is that never in your life, will your worldviews be in such disarray and constant change as they are here... And I don't feel like my views have stopped changing just yet, and that could be an argument why I should keep treading along in this life until they don't, but to what end? To understand myself?
I don't really keep secrets from girlfriend, but it's a difficult topic to bring up, because as you can see (if anyone got this far), my thoughts of the topic are scattered, and because it's a big life changing thing, and yeah, it's difficult for me. It's like John Nash said in A Beautiful Mind:
Nash: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you
[looking at and speaking to Alicia]
Nash: You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.
I know as a fact, if it wasn't my love for this lady, I wouldn't be where I am today, she got me through so much, to keep me motivated, to give me a reason to stay up at night... And I know that's a strong argument to go with the family life (and it's not even family life, we wouldn't want kids for a long time, I just mean... the normal life, travel, explore new foods together, and the simple pleasures, like staying healthy, walks through forests, deep conversations together, long night cuddles, being lazy and doing nothing together, etc), but I think my argument to keep trying to make a difference in the world while I still can (according to my heart anyway), is also a compelling one.
Well, props to you if you managed to read this long, it's 4:05am now, and I wish I could write my literature reviews this quickly, but alas. Once again, I apologize for the poor structure, grammar, and organization. I let my ideas flow as they came to my mind, the only trick was to find the words to explain my thoughts.
I wasn't really sure where to post this, as all my previous blogs are on TL, but I've spent more of my time on LD than here recently, but here were are
