From where I last left off, I said I was going to be fighting against NW.mayyas. The match would decide whether or not I would get into the ro32 or have to wait until the next week and see if I could barely make the cut. I did end up defeating NW.mayyas which gave me the one way ticket to the ro32. The moment of jubilation was however ephemeral as I lost to Koget in a nervous fluster. I prepared somewhat but I realized that I lacked the refinement and polish that my opponent had or really any proper contender of the TLS Championship should have.
I felt pretty burnt out and disappointed after losing so I ended up playing more StarCraft until I felt sick of playing. I've always wanted to become one of the best at an activity, I feel like then there's a certain respect and fame you gain. However, I ended up fading away into obscurity. If there's any consolation for my defeat, the consolation is my name is now on the official TLS Championship Liquipedia article, remembered as an insignificant ro32er.
For once in my life I thought I'd conjure up the next upset in the foreigner scene, that I'd make a name for myself. Unfortunately, I was another stepping stone in the path to predictability of who would lose and win. I enjoy the idea of holding your own strength in a game, a field of expertise. I couldn't back myself up for the tournament, instead, I floundered.
Then I receded away from playing StarCraft for a long time and only focused on my schoolwork. That was odd to me, working on schoolwork. There isn't any competition to schoolwork, in fact, the whole key to success in schoolwork is a lot less difficult than any challenge StarCraft can pose. Actually, the challenge might just be a different type of challenge.
I felt like I was giving up in a way by leaving StarCraft, like I had something to prove. Then again, I realized I would always feel like I didn't do enough while playing StarCraft because my original motivation was conducive to an unstable mindset. I was too focused on winning.
I wanted to win but at the same time that's all the motivation was, to win. The pursuit felt empty, like there wasn't any substance that held any true meaning behind the endeavor. Even when I'm playing I never felt like I was putting in all of my energies because I didn't have a cause worthy enough. When I was met by defeat, I would always extend the time I played StarCraft in a futile effort to achieve greatness that never existed. There was a point that was created that I would never reach, I would never get that "good" to where my mind wanted.
Even if I did get a lot better at StarCraft, I felt like the negative outweighed the positive. My heart wasn't in StarCraft, I clearly did not have the progamer mindset that took the game seriously enough. I didn't have hardened resolve. What would happen to my studies? What on earth is the point to studying or to playing StarCraft? I certainly didn't get that great at StarCraft but I felt some regret. What exactly was I leaving behind though, the goal to becoming a great player? Was I giving up on all the hours I spent already playing StarCraft to only have the time all be wasted?
Sure, I got the losing hand out of the deal in the TLS but all of life does not revolve around StarCraft. Even though I didn't get the fame or the feeling of victory, that shouldn't bother so much. I didn't get the climactic, heroic, and idealistic end that you see in a happy ending but that's fine. Life will continue.
Edit: Boy, life sure feels short. I can already feel minutes that will feel like years in my last moments passing by. I can already understand how my future self will look upon my past self, the ephemeral years of highschool, and the hopelessly lost dreams. Damn, I'm already beginning to miss my high school years.