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United States1433 Posts
The amount of time that has passed since my last blog has been long. I want to make a small note that I mistakenly said I was in TLS 3 when I was really playing in the TLS Championship. Funny thing about the blog post I planned to write as an update, I actually wrote and then rewrote the post a couple of times. Each time though I lost steam or maybe I didn't articulate a thought as well as I wanted which ended up getting lost in the words. I thought I'd make the version I post today to have a simple, straight forward approach.
From where I last left off, I said I was going to be fighting against NW.mayyas. The match would decide whether or not I would get into the ro32 or have to wait until the next week and see if I could barely make the cut. I did end up defeating NW.mayyas which gave me the one way ticket to the ro32. The moment of jubilation was however ephemeral as I lost to Koget in a nervous fluster. I prepared somewhat but I realized that I lacked the refinement and polish that my opponent had or really any proper contender of the TLS Championship should have.
I felt pretty burnt out and disappointed after losing so I ended up playing more StarCraft until I felt sick of playing. I've always wanted to become one of the best at an activity, I feel like then there's a certain respect and fame you gain. However, I ended up fading away into obscurity. If there's any consolation for my defeat, the consolation is my name is now on the official TLS Championship Liquipedia article, remembered as an insignificant ro32er.
For once in my life I thought I'd conjure up the next upset in the foreigner scene, that I'd make a name for myself. Unfortunately, I was another stepping stone in the path to predictability of who would lose and win. I enjoy the idea of holding your own strength in a game, a field of expertise. I couldn't back myself up for the tournament, instead, I floundered.
Then I receded away from playing StarCraft for a long time and only focused on my schoolwork. That was odd to me, working on schoolwork. There isn't any competition to schoolwork, in fact, the whole key to success in schoolwork is a lot less difficult than any challenge StarCraft can pose. Actually, the challenge might just be a different type of challenge.
I felt like I was giving up in a way by leaving StarCraft, like I had something to prove. Then again, I realized I would always feel like I didn't do enough while playing StarCraft because my original motivation was conducive to an unstable mindset. I was too focused on winning.
I wanted to win but at the same time that's all the motivation was, to win. The pursuit felt empty, like there wasn't any substance that held any true meaning behind the endeavor. Even when I'm playing I never felt like I was putting in all of my energies because I didn't have a cause worthy enough. When I was met by defeat, I would always extend the time I played StarCraft in a futile effort to achieve greatness that never existed. There was a point that was created that I would never reach, I would never get that "good" to where my mind wanted.
Even if I did get a lot better at StarCraft, I felt like the negative outweighed the positive. My heart wasn't in StarCraft, I clearly did not have the progamer mindset that took the game seriously enough. I didn't have hardened resolve. What would happen to my studies? What on earth is the point to studying or to playing StarCraft? I certainly didn't get that great at StarCraft but I felt some regret. What exactly was I leaving behind though, the goal to becoming a great player? Was I giving up on all the hours I spent already playing StarCraft to only have the time all be wasted?
Sure, I got the losing hand out of the deal in the TLS but all of life does not revolve around StarCraft. Even though I didn't get the fame or the feeling of victory, that shouldn't bother so much. I didn't get the climactic, heroic, and idealistic end that you see in a happy ending but that's fine. Life will continue.
Edit: Boy, life sure feels short. I can already feel minutes that will feel like years in my last moments passing by. I can already understand how my future self will look upon my past self, the ephemeral years of highschool, and the hopelessly lost dreams. Damn, I'm already beginning to miss my high school years.
 
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They have Nation Wars coming up. I think the time to play BW ended some time ago. Currently, you don't have the resources to advance enough unless you really study replays diligently and put 8hrs a day into practice. (sometimes more) Playing BW these days is a bit meaningless though as even the 'best' players have lost their competitive nature and don't take it as seriously anymore.
About school. School is a competition. You are competing against all your class mates for top mark. Sometimes, you will teach a class mate or work with them to improve your understanding but the whole focus is just to become smarter so you can perform better and as a result get a better mark.
The point is, even if you beat Koget, the chances of winning the whole tournament was low so somewhere along the line you would have felt inadequate and there aren't enough future chances for your redemption so don't take it so hard. I decided that I wasn't even going to compete because I knew that I wouldn't have enough time to prepare to win the tournament and in my opinion the only reason to play these is to win. During the TLS mini tours last year I was performing decently but there were a few players that I had difficulty in ladder games against. I knew my limits and restrictions at the time and that set my choice. No regrets even though I never won a major tournament, BW is just a stepping stone to the completion of your life.
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I felt like I was giving up in a way by leaving StarCraft, like I had something to prove. Then again, I realized I would always feel like I didn't do enough while playing StarCraft because my original motivation was conducive to an unstable mindset. I was too focused on winning.
I wanted to win but at the same time that's all the motivation was, to win. The pursuit felt empty, like there wasn't any substance that held any true meaning behind the endeavor. Even when I'm playing I never felt like I was putting in all of my energies because I didn't have a cause worthy enough. When I was met by defeat, I would always extend the time I played StarCraft in a futile effort to achieve greatness that never existed. There was a point that was created that I would never reach, I would never get that "good" to where my mind wanted.
for anyone whose ever wanted to seriously compete this is the heartbreaker that you eventually realize and learn to accept
in the end, unless you're able to compete with the very best (not just high level foreigners, but the korean players with famous names) there's no greatness. whatever pride you find is vanishing and it never lasts long enough. trying to pretend it's meaningful just makes it feel even more hollow.
there's nothing to really gain but money. and even then you'd probably make more money and padding a resume working a real job for the amount of hours spent.
it's a funny and cruel lesson that you learn too late. rekrul put it very eloquently when he basically concluded that it's all a waste of time even at the level he was at.
but there are lessons somewhere in all of it, some you learn from insight and from yourself when you see the game and what you've done as a metaphor and use your judgement to interpret what it means.
there's no shame in giving it up, it means you're a little wiser and older now.
just don't give up or run away from life.
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lol
so what do you want, some fancy title that appears in your profile that shows that you reached the ro32/whatever of a tournament like steam achievements?
if you regard playing BW as any more than that of a simple hobby, i feel sorry for you.
worst is that you do not really have fun and yet you feel some sort of entitlement...
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On March 22 2016 16:48 Probemicro wrote:
lol
so what do you want, some fancy title that appears in your profile that shows that you reached the ro32/whatever of a tournament like steam achievements?
if you regard playing BW as any more than that of a simple hobby, i feel sorry for you.
worst is that you do not really have fun and yet you feel some sort of entitlement...
en·ti·tle·ment
inˈtīdlmənt,enˈtīdlmənt
permission, dispensation, privilege
the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.
i think you're misinterpreting what he's sharing if that's the conclusion you've reached after reading.
chi·me·ra
kīˈmirə,kəˈmirə
illusion, fantasy, dream,
a thing that is hoped or wished for but in fact is illusory or impossible to achieve.
re·al·i·za·tion
ˌrē(ə)ləˈzāSH(ə)n
awareness, understanding, comprehension,
an act of becoming fully aware of something as a fact.
re·flec·tion
rəˈflekSH(ə)n
thinking, consideration, contemplation
serious thought or consideration.
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what are you, a walking dictionary? (copy paster rather)
don't need to be a rocket scientist to see the amount of "I WANNA WIN" in the OP. what makes him think hes ENTITLED to winning, just because he practiced hard? does he not realise that others have worked just as hard or even harder than him? (like koget who i heard practiced a lot with TT). everyone likes to think of themselves as special snowflakes, when in reality only a few are ever born as one.
its pointless to have this kind of competitive mentality in a old tough game like BW with no more functional pro scene.
as the OP have realised, a little late.
just play to have fun or chance of earning a bit of cash, if you don't have fun or can't earn $ then move on to other things in life. simple life principle.
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On March 22 2016 17:35 Probemicro wrote:
what are you, a walking dictionary? (copy paster rather)
don't need to be a rocket scientist to see the amount of "I WANNA WIN" in the OP. what makes him think hes ENTITLED to winning, just because he practiced hard? does he not realise that others have worked just as hard or even harder than him? (like koget who i heard practiced a lot with TT). everyone likes to think of themselves as special snowflakes, when in reality only a few are ever born as one.
its pointless to have this kind of competitive mentality in a old tough game like BW with no more functional pro scene.
as the OP have realised, a little late.
just play to have fun or chance of earning a bit of cash, if you don't have fun or can't earn $ then move on to other things in life. simple life principle.
my point is this: nowhere in the OP does he say "I should have won" "I should have gotten more than the round of 32". Nowhere near the level of obnoxiousness you're accusing him of or the slander you're putting out.
if you'd take a second to sit down and look at what was actually written instead of being cute and playing tough guy it simply says that he wanted to achieve something, he practiced for it worked hard got his ass handed to him and realized he wasnt gonna make it.
nowhere does he write he should have won or does he express entitlement or anger or any of the childish immaturity you're accusing him of. it's mostly sadness and contemplation.
it helps a lot if you read what's actually said instead of being pissy about something that came out of your head and not seen by your eyes
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EPT
