Starladder 13: (a lot of) travel notes about Minsk

MAX: …Have you seen David?
PHOEBE: No, he hasn’t been around.
MAX: Well, if you see him, tell him to back his bags. We’re going to Minsk.
PHOEBE: Minsk?
MAX: Minsk. It’s in Russia.

FRIENDS, S01E10, “The One With The Monkey”

No, it’s not.
It is actually the first thing you have to remember while you are I Minsk. It’s not in Russia. It’s in Belarus. Separate country. And don’t call it Belorussia, I beg you. Locals are not going to like you with that.
“Minsk… Minsk is a pile of factories”, said an old man who I shared a compartment in the train with when I asked him about the city. “Working with outdated machinery. None of those has ever made a profit.”
Well, I don’t know about the profit, but the Famous Minsk Factory of Snow Shovels is working at full capacity. I am sure of that one thing.

PART ONE. FAMOUS BELORUSSIAN SIGHTS

ME: David, have you managed to see anything in Minsk except this arena?
LD: No, we’re too busy here. Only the hotel, I guess.
Silence.
LD: Ah. And the airport.

No, seriously. At first, I thought that the whole working-age population of Minsk woke up to clear the snow the day I arrived. That seemed strange, because with this approach there was no one to actually walk the streets the city painstakingly tidied up. Except me.

***

There’s not much to see in Minsk, especially when the temperature around is below -20C, but the Island of Tears is something you definitely have to take a look at. Or, even better, to take a look from. The opening view is truly breathtaking.
Also, visit The Old Town – the only remains of a glorious city, fully demolished during the World War II. And The National Library – a 70m tall polyhedron with a precious observation point at the top.
“You should see the library if you have time”, I said to Godz during a break between matches.
“The library?” – He seemed to be surprised.
“Exactly. It’s the most famous building here in Minsk. Some architects and critics say it’s the ugliest construction they have ever seen, but…”
He broke into laughter.

Glorious, isn't it?

His Russian-speaking colleagues were totally inaccessible to have a talk with, sadly. The crowd at Minsk-arena tightly surrounded them in an instant as soon as they were seen around, looking for signatures and photos. Walking around the arena was almost impossible for them without being security guarded like Alexandra from Spy Kids 2.

No one bothered to organize a proper autograph session, but the number of those who were hunger for that kind of stuff was so huge that it seemed absolutely impossible. I did the math: with an average of 5 seconds to spend on a person (enough time to sign a scrap of paper), every member of Dota2ruhub must have spent 25 hours to satisfy all the crowd. Without any breaks.
The only way to do that I came up with was to prepare a million facsimiles and then throw them down from the ceiling. I doubt that everyone would stay alive after that, though. Not because such an amount of paper could easily bury someone alive, but because the mob, trying to grab as many signatures as possible, would squeeze everyone on the way.
Without such measures, the crowd had to get by themselves. Look at the photo below (the quality is crap, I know) and try to count the number of those desirous. It never seemed that the endless stream of people was going to run dry with time. It expanded and widened for the whole three days.

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I call this photo 'Monty Python's life of NS'

The main sight of Minsk for these people was standing right in front of them.

***

There is also something you should see in Minsk. You are unlikely to overlook it, anyway. It quickly strikes the eye.
Girls. They – not everyone, but the overwhelming majority – are mind-blowingly handsome.
I cannot find an explanation to this. Maybe KGB rigged that in order to impress strangers like me. I know they do something like that in North Korea.
I MEAN, EVEN CLOAKROOM WORKERS ARE YOUNG AND PRETTY, WHEN EXACTLY THE UNIVERSE STARTED TO WORK THAT WAY
For me – a person from Russia, a country that is known worldwide as the motherland of millions of young beauties – this mystery of Belarus remains unsolved.

PART TWO. FAMOUS BELORUSSIAN FOOD

At first, I thought it does not differ much from that I got used to in Moscow. I was wrong. Oh, how horribly wrong I was.
Belorussian food is something you have to taste. It’s not just me – everyone, including players and commentators of Russian hub – noted the high skill of local cooks.

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Translation: “I adore these Belorussian breakfasts so much. Fabulous sausages, kefir and birch juice, glazed cheese. Nice! #MinskMajor”

I am not even talking about the national cuisine (it, basically, comprises just one meal - ‘draniki’, potato pancakes) – all food sold there is incredibly delicious. Especially bakery – local buns, all as one amazingly fresh, is something you are going to miss after returning home.
Local beers are very nice. Also give a try to kvass, Russian national drink (pronunciation is the same as Invoker’s first spell) – I have a hard time describing its taste, something between dark beer and Coca-Cola.
If you are not into trying something new – there are a lot of McDonalds’s and a lot of KFC ads, but, in fact, I did not pass by any KFC restaurant. Now when I think of it, maybe those ads were actually disguised advertisements of visa centers.
“We’ve got some good stuff here abroad: warm sea, cheap real estate and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just for you guys.”
Tasty food. Pretty girls. Professional dota. Sounds like heaven, huh?..

PART THREE. FAMOUS BELORUSSIAN CURRENCY

I doubt that these centers are popular among Belarusians, though. There’s not much to expect from a country with constant financial crisis.

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One hundred Belorussian rubles. How much money do you think it is? About a half of one cent.

They are denominating their currency soon, but for now, Belarus is likely the only country in the world with every citizen being a millionaire. Don’t waste the opportunity to also become one.
However, even considering the enormous amount of rubles earned by locals, I’ve scarcely seen anybody buying a bus ticket. At least, I haven’t bought any – it’s absolutely unclear to me how a human being could invent such an inconvenient payment system as the one applied there.

PART FOUR. FAMOUS BELORUSSIAN DOTA

…Did not qualify to the finals. I still do not understand how VP lost that game to Vega, really.
You probably already know how many kind words were addressed to the viewers.

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Just surf twitters of everyone involved, the crowd was praised by literally everyone.

The crowd went crazy from the start, creating amazing atmosphere, and I think that the sound volume at the venue would have increased twofold if VP had played at the stage in the end. I would probably lose the ability to hear. Or to talk. Or both.
By the way, guess when the viewers went the craziest. No, not when Vega won a team fight over EG. (Sadly, the only CIS team lost both matches, but it seemed like no one really cared.) No, not after the GG call on the second map of the final either. It was when Alliance picked Lone Druid for AdmiralBulldog during the first game versus Secret. It became clear then that the show – the real show – was about to start.
They do love Alliance here in Minsk. I thought it would be exactly opposite beforehand, considering the result of TI3 final. It was nice to see, and damn loud to hear, that I was mistaken again.

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***

“It is forbidden to stay here. Leave immediately.”
“This entrance is closed to public. Use another one.”
“This is my friend’s seat. This seat is taken too. And those two far away are also taken.”
“Okay people, move along. Nothing to see here.”
“You are not allowed to go in with this bag.”
“Turn out your pockets. What is it? Why did you take it with you?”
“Why didn’t you print your ticket out? I know it’s electronic, but you were supposed to! No, you can’t enter the arena! Stay there!”
No food here. No drinks here. No you here.
And queues. Everywhere.

Seat reservation also was something the tournament really missed. You had to spend a great deal of time every day just to find a seat not taken by anyone, anyone’s friend, or friend of anyone’s friend. And no matter what, by the start of every game (the first one started at 10 AM!) free seats remained only at side sectors, where you couldn’t see literally anything, and at the balcony, where various equipment didn’t let you see the upper part of the screen.
The first day I managed to find a seat right below the VIP zone, the area from which players and managers were supposed to watch other teams’ matches, but everyone who risked to actually do that instantly found himself besieged by fans. The length of lines of admirers could reach dozens of meters, and the faster an unfortunate player was signing everything he was given, the more people were joining the queue.
When someone famous (I cannot remember who exactly that was, probably Artstyle) took a seat above me, the appeared line completely blocked the screen with Dota from us. We constantly shouted at people who stayed, telling them to get out, but there was almost no effect. The more time passed, the more irritated and rude we became, and in the end, when a guy from the queue told my neighbor to fuck off, he punched him in the face.
The queue instantly scattered, a police officer took both fighters away, and I sat in my chair hoping that no one would give autographs away anymore today.
I doubt that at least a single witness of that learned any lesson from what he saw, though.

DENOUEMENT

Minsk Train Station was filled with very unusual crowd that Sunday. The tournament was over, and its attendees started to slowly disperse over the world.
I saw one of those the moment I entered the waiting hall. Packed with souvenirs, he seemed like he was about to travel the same train as me.
I decided to check that.
“Where do you go?”
“What do you want, man?” – He asked aggressively and resettled away.
I finally was home.

POSTSCRIPTUM

The tournament ended a week ago, but a ribbon signed “Starladder & i-league: guest” is still hanging on my right wrist.
Why? It’s simple. I just don’t know how to take it off without ripping it apart.
Help me, please. Anyone?..

Starladder 13: (a lot of) travel notes about Minsk

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